Some issues in the bedroom...

[MirrorKnight]

Hey forum,

I've been away for over a year. I've browsed a few threads in the last couple of days, nice to see some old faces. 🙂

I stopped posting because well... nothing happened for quite a few months... and then once I started dating again, nothing notable happened, until now.  

I've been seeing "Kate" for about half a year. Overall things are going well... we've had some fights, especially during stressful periods of the pandemic... But we've come through it. About a month ago, she sort of moved in with me. (I say sort of because it's a temporary arrangement.) Living together has revealed a few issues in the bedroom department...

1) Turns out I have a higher sex drive than her.

This wasn't immediately apparent during our dating phase, because we didn't see each other everyday, and once we went there with our relationship, we had sex pretty much on every date (unless inappropriate/inconvenient). Plus she is probably the most passionate lover I've been with, at least in terms of expressing herself. However, once we started being together everyday, it turns out she doesn't want it everyday... She gets excited and initiates about once a week and really gets into maybe twice a week. Other times she says she's tired/sore etc... so we either don't have sex, or sometimes she relents, but isn't very enthusiastic about it. Overall, we average probably once every other day, minus her rather long "time of the month". (I didn't realize periods can last a whole week for some women!) 

Oh yeah, Kate is 30. Isn't that meant to be a sex drive peak for women? Am I being selfish and obtuse when I think, "okay, so you're not that into it tonight, but surely it doesn't hurt to have some fun for my sake?". Is it really physically uncomfortable for women to have sex when they aren't feeling it? She says having sex everyday makes her tired and gives her a stomach ache... Is that a thing? How often do couples in their late 20s and early 30s normally do it if they live together? I googled it, but I'm not sure the numbers I saw included couples who didn't live together. (it seemed low to me). 

2) She's obsessed with sexual hygiene

I do understand why. Her lady parts seem quite prone to infection/inflammation compared to my previous partners. She insists that I wash my underwear separate from other clothes and that I wash my privates with something specifically bought for that purpose. That's all fine in theory, but suddenly being asked to wash myself just as we get steamy is a bit of a mood killer... Anyone got any experience with this kind of thing?  

She's tried to negotiate with me about how often we should do it and schedule it in advance (i.e. Monday, Wednesday and Friday, so you should have a shower before coming to bed etc...) But I haven't accepted it because I don't want to take the spontaneity and excitement out of it. It'd feel like just going through the motions if it was something literally on a calendar. 😅  

Overall it's not a huge problem yet, but it is new to me... advice much appreciated.

Thx! 

  

[SooSad33]

Hi Knight;

Hmmmm....

So, all was well & good.. and 'often', before she moved in.

Yeah, things can change a bit, when always together.. cause, then it's always available. So, you have been involved over half a year?  Not long... and is common, once the 'honeymoon phase' ends, things will calm down a bit. (so not expect it as often) - and is common to NOT have it every day....

I do not agree with the 'planned' bit.  I have never done that with anyone.  A schedule, seems awkward. If it happens, it happens.. or not.

And her being so specific about it all, ie. make sure you are clean - I am sure you shower regularly... ( so, now YOU are seeing this side of her..). - Have not been involved too long.

As for you having to clean those items separately?  Weird... I'd just do laundry as is.  Don't change things that way, for her. ( IMO).

As partners... is good IF you can come to some agreement with things. (ie. YOU accepting you won't get it every night.  That's just how it is... and her, to not expect it will happen 'as planned') .

So... she is there, for how long?  Do you feel things would improve if she was out of there again?

And do be honest- speak your part.  Tell her you are not going to go that far with your laundry.. See IF she can take it.

In time, we do come to see IF we can handle one another - or is it just too much ( Most often within first 6 mos - year).

[smackie9]

Welcome to the other half of reality of living together. Is it a thing? YES to all of it. Here's the deal...don't like it? Breakup and find someone who fulfills your expectations. There is no changing any of this...you either put up with it, which is not what I would recommend, or you call it quits...you two are not compatible.

[Wiseman2]

Just curious as to the temporary nature of her moving in, especially so soon. As far as the sexuality, she seems a bit obsessed with this feminine hygiene thing. What are you going to do? Sterilize your underwear like operating room cloths?

[MirrorKnight]

Hey guys

Thanks for all your input and apologies for slow response, partly due to busy life and partly cos it's rather awkward to write here when I live with the woman! lol

To answer a few questions:

@SooSad33
 

On 1/24/2021 at 11:36 AM, SooSad33 said:

I do not agree with the 'planned' bit.  I have never done that with anyone.  A schedule, seems awkward. If it happens, it happens.. or not.

Yes, I agree. That was a bit of a red line for me. I need spontaneity and passion in my life, not just go through the motions of it. Thankfully she hasn't insisted on it and recently even surprised me on a few occasions. 🙂 

On 1/24/2021 at 11:36 AM, SooSad33 said:

As for you having to clean those items separately?  Weird... I'd just do laundry as is.  Don't change things that way, for her. ( IMO).

Actually that's not an issue for me. It's not much extra effort to hand wash my underwear once a week. She does the same. It's a personal habit of hers, it has a little scientific merit, I can respect it even if it's a little odd. 

On 1/24/2021 at 11:36 AM, SooSad33 said:

So... she is there, for how long?  Do you feel things would improve if she was out of there again?

She's staying with me for about 3 months. The answer is, probably yes... A degree of unavailability creates desire, constant availability causes boredom. However, I don't date to mess around, so I'd want to know that we are compatible living together. 
 

On 1/24/2021 at 1:47 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Just curious as to the temporary nature of her moving in, especially so soon. As far as the sexuality, she seems a bit obsessed with this feminine hygiene thing. What are you going to do? Sterilize your underwear like operating room cloths?

It's a bit of a long story. The short version is that we are both in limbo due to the pandemic, so finances are a bit tight, so she moved in with me to save on rent after her previous contract expired. I'm due to return to the UK in March (if air corridor reopens) and she's waiting on visa approval to go to the UK too, but chances are it will be delayed for quite a while after I leave. So, we expect to be LDR for a while after March. We may or may not live together once in UK depending on work situation. But we have agreed to at least try stay close enough to spend weekends together. 

The hygiene thing isn't a big deal. She just wants underwear hand-washed separately. It doesn't take much extra effort so I don't mind. 

 

On 1/24/2021 at 11:44 AM, smackie9 said:

Welcome to the other half of reality of living together. Is it a thing? YES to all of it. Here's the deal...don't like it? Breakup and find someone who fulfills your expectations. There is no changing any of this...you either put up with it, which is not what I would recommend, or you call it quits...you two are not compatible.

With all due respect @smackie9 I think your prognosis is a bit rushed. I don't think there's any couple that's perfectly in sync with each other all the time. It takes work and communication to try to overcome differences. I came here to try to understand whether my situation was unusual or not and potentially better understand Kate's arguments. The following is the key part of my original post, I probably should have highlighted it in bold...

"Am I being selfish and obtuse when I think, "okay, so you're not that into it tonight, but surely it doesn't hurt to have some fun for my sake?". Is it really physically uncomfortable for women to have sex when they aren't feeling it? She says having sex everyday makes her tired and gives her a stomach ache... Is that a thing? How often do couples in their late 20s and early 30s normally do it if they live together?" 

 

Anyway the long and short of is that whilst things aren't perfect, following a bit of a minor combustion when we both aired our grievances, things have improved considerably. I’ve discovered that compared to my exes, Kate is more emotional in the sense that she experiences higher highs and lower lows (nothing extreme, before any diagnosis of bipolar). So, she’s prone to feeling passionate and amorous when she’s in a good mood, or irritable and ***ly when she is not. Since she’s moved in with me, she’s been quite anxious about various uncertainties in her life and the ongoing pandemic, which has caused some stress and tension for us, like millions of couples around the world. Whilst I don't know for sure how the future will turn out, I am more optimistic now than when I wrote my original post at the start of this week.  

     

 

[OverTheMoon21]

Here is my perspective, as a woman who seems to be a lot like Kate in that regard:

To start with your main concern - "Am I being selfish and obtuse when I think, "okay, so you're not that into it tonight, but surely it doesn't hurt to have some fun for my sake?". Is it really physically uncomfortable for women to have sex when they aren't feeling it? She says having sex everyday makes her tired and gives her a stomach ache... Is that a thing? How often do couples in their late 20s and early 30s normally do it if they live together?" 

No, you are not being selfish or obtuse, this is how you feel therefore it's valid. However, yes, it is physically uncomfortable for women to have sex when they aren't feeling it. As in, it actually hurts. And when it hurts on an ongoing basis, the interest in sex diminishes to the point of avoidance. In theory, sure, she could do it more often for your sake, but trust me, it's much easier said than done. If a woman is more sensitive down there, the skin gets raw very fast, and sex feels like inserting a thorny stick in there - as you can imagine, not very pleasant and quite the mood killer. In such cases, a few days to 'recoup' are much needed (oh and yes, quite a lot of women do have periods that last a week, even 10 days in some cases - joy! lol).

 Sex drive is so individual, some men and women want it daily, several times a day, others want it once a month, if that, and then there's everything in between. The key is to either find a partner who matches you in regards to the sex drive, or to work with your partner to find the best compromise for both.

Also, by the sounds of your post, I have the feeling that she might be prone to UTI or yeast infections, some women are just like that, it's about their chemical balance, gut flora, etc. I say this because of her being particular about how you wash your clothes, and about having showers right before sex. It is a medically proven fact that a shower before sex reduces the amount of bacteria that gets passed around during sex, and if you look on health forums, the #1 advice for women who are prone to UTIs is for both partners to shower before sex. Also, women need to pee before and right after sex. That's very normal. If you've never had UTIs, let me tell you.....they are PAINFUL, and they can totally affect one's quality of life. And, as you are experiencing now, they tend to take the spontaneity out of everything. 

It's important to understand that it's not her fault, it's not that she's lazy or not into you, it's just the way it is with some women (more than you think). In fact, I would bet you anything that she feels guilty for not being able to be the way you would prefer her to be, and wishes things were different with her body. By the sounds of it, she's really trying to make up for it - every other day is not shabby.

Now, it's all a matter of whether you can be happy with this long term. Nobody can decide this for you, you know yourself best. Know that in time she may do it even a bit less, are you going to be ok with it? Is it a big enough "con" for you to end this relationship and find someone else? 

 

[waffle]

37 minutes ago, OverTheMoon21 said:

Here is my perspective, as a woman who seems to be a lot like Kate in that regard:

To start with your main concern - "Am I being selfish and obtuse when I think, "okay, so you're not that into it tonight, but surely it doesn't hurt to have some fun for my sake?". Is it really physically uncomfortable for women to have sex when they aren't feeling it? She says having sex everyday makes her tired and gives her a stomach ache... Is that a thing? How often do couples in their late 20s and early 30s normally do it if they live together?" 

No, you are not being selfish or obtuse, this is how you feel therefore it's valid.  

 

Interesting, because I would've answered that question (am I being selfish and obtuse?) with "yes."  No one is entitled to sex, and no one owes another person sex.  I don't think this is a difficult concept.  When someone starts being all "why can't you just shut up and put your feelings aside and put out anyway?" that's getting into some very dangerous territory right there.

[limichelle]

46 minutes ago, waffle said:

Interesting, because I would've answered that question (am I being selfish and obtuse?) with "yes."  No one is entitled to sex, and no one owes another person sex.  I don't think this is a difficult concept.  When someone starts being all "why can't you just shut up and put your feelings aside and put out anyway?" that's getting into some very dangerous territory right there.

I completely agree 100% Waffle! If a guy said that to me it would be enough of a big red flag for me to end the relationship.  
 

OP she doesn’t need to conform to your needs if she isn’t in the mood. 
 

I’m like Kate in the instance if I’m not in the mood when I was having sex years ago. The sex hurt really bad! I actually caved with my long term ex of 11 years all the time because I wanted to make him happy. I became resentful.

Sex is a choice you both need to be on board with 100% at all times. If Kate isn’t feeling it, find something else you both enjoy. 
 

I also see you have needs with having a higher sex drive and that’s not a problem but a problem in your relationship. So Smackie wasn’t off base with telling you to find someone who matches you there. Sex I understand isn’t the most important thing. But it can become a huge barrier if you’re on opposite sides of the wall.