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Should I Worry About My Lover's Ex-lovers?


Lagi lanumoana

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I'm living in Paris and currently in a relationship and it has been about 2 years and 6 months.
We have been doing well, but a few days ago I saw a message from his ex-lover on his phone.
I had seen his ex-lover's messages at the beginning of the relationship, but he said "now just a friend" so I couldn't say anything at the time
I'm a woman from Asia country, and in Asian culture (Of course, not all Asian countries do.), it is almost impossible to be friends with ex, and as I grew up based on that culture, I could not understand itself, but I tried to understand, and honestly, I can understand about 40%.
Anyway, a message from his ex (Spanish girl) was a picture of her family with him and she said "You'll be in my living room forever and ever"
The moment I saw this message, I thought this woman was still missing him
So I started to doubt, and I sneaked into his phone.
But there was another new message.
He was also in contact with his other ex (Italian girl)
I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything, bothering me all day.
In fact, most of the contacts came from them, and the cycle was twice a year and most of them lasted for a week.
The funny thing is they ask hello first and later they don't reply to the message.
The contents were messages such as how we got along with each other and what we had been doing.
Actually he was all dumped by them, and all of his ex-lovers wanted him to disappear from their lives. (According to old messages, they despised him)
However, it was less than 6 months-1 year after the separation, as if nothing happened, "How are you?" They kept in touch by sending messages occasionally.
Already in this part I cannot understand..
They despised him, but trying to contact him again and be friends
But the woman I'm particularly angry with is an Italian girl.
They were together 3 years ago in Paris, and when she returned to Italy, they broke up (Their relationship was 1 year each)
Anyway they had met in Paris last summer. (He was in a relationship with me, but he didn't tell me this, but she knows he's having a relationship with someone.)
And the day before she left, they said goodbye, and she left.
But a message from her after that said, "I didn't want to end up hugging you, if I hadn't had a friend next to me, and I might have missed the flight" and he replied to her "This message touched me and I couldn't sleep."
Of course, I know they were in that special relationship like me before, but she kept sending messages that felt like she missed him.
And they didn't contact each other for about 6 months.
But 3 days ago he sent a message to her
"I've been wondering if you're doing well since December, but I've decided to send a text message now. I hope this message isn't "unwelcome"."
And her message from her was "I'm fine, I've been thinking a lot of last summer's our meeting"
Then he continued the message just how have you been blah blah blah..
That's what I know, and I talked to him about this problem last night
I said to him, "I hope there is nothing I worry about between you and your ex" And he said "It would never happen and there's nothing between them and me, and I've known them for a long time. we were together but now I'm as a friend. As a friend, I've never planned a trip or talked about any discuss about anything."
I know that he is honest and not an cheating person
But I'm angry at it because their actions seem to keep him taking the test (kinda maybe he still miss me)
And I can't control this feeling and it keeps getting bigger
But I don't know if I should force him to feel the same way as me..
And I don't know if I should tell him to stop to speaking with them
Maybe it feels like I'm forcing too much on him..
To be honest, I'm bothering myself with the following thoughts, and I can't stop these thoughts
I fear your partner's ex is plotting to get back together (and will succeed) and the worst think is I'm suspicious that my boyfriend's ex has ulterior motives..
How can I overcome this problem?
Thank you for taking the time to read my story!
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1 hour ago, Rae said:
But the woman I'm particularly angry with is an Italian girl.
Anyway they had met in Paris last summer. He was in a relationship with me, but he didn't tell me this
And the day before she left, they said goodbye, and she left.

Sorry this is happening. Don't be angry with these women, question why your BF lies to you about the attention he craves from women.

Perhaps he sees himself as a playboy. Now that you know he lies to sneak off and hang out with these women, you need to reflect if you want to be with someone like this.

It's not so much that these relationships are benign, it's that you've caught him in lies.

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3 hours ago, Rae said:
But 3 days ago he sent a message to her
"I've been wondering if you're doing well since December, but I've decided to send a text message now. I hope this message isn't "unwelcome"."
And her message from her was "I'm fine, I've been thinking a lot of last summer's our meeting

 

3 hours ago, Rae said:
They were together 3 years ago in Paris, and when she returned to Italy, they broke up (Their relationship was 1 year each)
Anyway they had met in Paris last summer. (He was in a relationship with me, but he didn't tell me this, but she knows he's having a relationship with someone.)

Yeah, in my opinion, I do find this stuff a little concerning... for HIM to be reaching out to her this way.. saying, he hopes him messaging her is not 'unwelcoming;?

As well,, they had a 3 yr relationship...AND they met up last year- WHY? (when he was with you)  😞 

If you are unsure about this guy.. I can see why.  I am the same.. most times, I am not 'friends' with my ex's... unless it was an easy, acceptable end - no feelings hurt etc. (which is rare).

But, I would not tolerate this stuff about them.

I'd say.. ' you are either with me.. or not'.. If you are still into her, go back & deal with her'

- and be done.

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well...from what I have been told by quite a few people, it's very common for Parisians, and in some European countries to be polyamorous. It's a cultural thing.

It's up to you to confront him if you want. Is it wrong to ask him to stop contact with these women? That's up to you too to make that decision. This is about how you feel about it, not us. Best of luck in any case.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Don't be angry with these women, question why your BF lies to you about the attention he craves from women.

Perhaps he sees himself as a playboy. Now that you know he lies to sneak off and hang out with these women, you need to reflect if you want to be with someone like this.

It's not so much that these relationships are benign, it's that you've caught him in lies.

We live together and he is very sweet to me too
Every vacation, I spend time with his family and with best friends.
But then, if he had told the he meets her first, I wouldn't have been so doubt.
But I also didn't ask at the time (because at the time we were not living together), and I think he didn't because I didn't think he needed to talk first..

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3 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Why did they hate him?

The Spanish girl didn't like him anymore, she wanted to be alone, so she didn't want to continue the relationship.

The Italian girl they were together in Paris, but she left for Italy, and they had long-distance relationships.
She asked him to come to Italy, but he didn't want it (because he had a job already) and she was upset about it, and she doubted alone that the reason he didn't come to Italy was because there was another girl in Paris. And she asked him to disappear from her life.

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1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

well...from what I have been told by quite a few people, it's very common for Parisians, and in some European countries to be polyamorous. It's a cultural thing.

It's up to you to confront him if you want. Is it wrong to ask him to stop contact with these women? That's up to you too to make that decision. This is about how you feel about it, not us. Best of luck in any case.

Yes, I also have other European friends and I have seen them make friends with their ex.
So, I tried to rationalize myself as it was cultural, but it was a culture that I couldn't get used to at once, who grew up in other cultures for more than 20 years..

Anyway, the girls also had a special time with him in the past like me now and I respect and think that there will be many memories.
So I talked to him, and if they said still miss you, but I hope you don't care what the girls say.
And he said there is nothing and they are just a friend..
I am not sure if it is a selfish option for me to ask him not to contact them.

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That is something you need to express to him...that it makes you uncomfortable. See what he says.

My own personal experience, I dumped them. It's not about being in contact, but allowing that type of content in those messages to continue is a dealbreaker. 

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2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

 

Yeah, in my opinion, I do find this stuff a little concerning... for HIM to be reaching out to her this way.. saying, he hopes him messaging her is not 'unwelcoming;?

As well,, they had a 3 yr relationship...AND they met up last year- WHY? (when he was with you)  😞 

If you are unsure about this guy.. I can see why.  I am the same.. most times, I am not 'friends' with my ex's... unless it was an easy, acceptable end - no feelings hurt etc. (which is rare).

But, I would not tolerate this stuff about them.

I'd say.. ' you are either with me.. or not'.. If you are still into her, go back & deal with her'

- and be done.

No they had a relationship for a year and it was 3 years ago (2017-2018)
In May of last year she asked him how are you?, and he said to her 'I'm self is in a relationship, so it is difficult to reply to you'
And in July after that they actually met. (well actually she came to see her friends and she contacted him too) after that in the meantime they had no messages
And 3 days ago he sent her a message..

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2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

That is something you need to express to him...that it makes you uncomfortable. See what he says.

My own personal experience, I dumped them. It not about being in contact, but allowing that type of content in those messages to continue is a dealbreaker. 

Yes, I said enough.
Those situations make me very anxious, and the thoughts that there is still something left with them dominate me and make me bother myself.
And he said there is nothing left and he was just exchange a message because he was curious about how he was doing as someone he knew before
Prior to the message sent 3 days ago, messages from all the girls sent first.

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34 minutes ago, Rae said:

We live together and he is very sweet to me too
Every vacation, I spend time with his family and with best friends.
But then, if he had told the he meets her first, I wouldn't have been so doubt.
But I also didn't ask at the time (because at the time we were not living together), and I think he didn't because I didn't think he needed to talk first..

Ok if everything else is good, talk about boundaries. Of course you can't tell someone who to be friends with or communicate with, but be firm in your commitments to each other and the boundaries of living together as a couple. Emphasize openness, transparency and being forthcoming  more so than other females or risking coming off as controlling or jealous. 

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24 minutes ago, Rae said:

In May of last year she asked him how are you?, and he said to her 'I'm self is in a relationship, so it is difficult to reply to you'
And in July after that they actually met

Yeah.. this and that HE messaged her.. why?

I feel this just isn't right.. Unless they are just 'friends'.. But I question this  😞 

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok if everything else is good, talk about boundaries. Of course you can't tell someone who to be friends with or communicate with, but be firm in your commitments to each other and the boundaries of living together as a couple. Emphasize openness, transparency and being forthcoming  more so than other females or risking coming off as controlling or jealous. 

Thank you very much for your advice!

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah.. this and that HE messaged her.. why?

I feel this just isn't right.. Unless they are just 'friends'.. But I question this  😞 

Yes, I think he sent a message because he was curious if she was doing well..When asked why you were curious, he said he was just curious.

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6 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Do YOU think, all they are is friends?

 

Most of their conversations are as follows. 
"Hi, How are you doing?"
"How are you, are you still living there?"
"Yeah, I'm still living here and I started doing something, and I went on a trip last winter blah blah blah"
Except for the name they are ex-lovers, conversations are usually conversations with friends.

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