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Should I confront him for this?


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I read some texts on viber on my husband's phone between my husband and his friend talking about how hot a woman that works at the police station is. Am I supposed to confront him for this since it makes me feel really bad?

My husband was like : "O my God you won't believe what I saw at the police station today" he gave him her name and told him "check her out on instagram" 

And his friend replied by calling her lover a lucky bastard.

Edited by Loralora
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1 hour ago, Loralora said:

I read some texts on viber on my husband's phone 

My husband was like : "O my God you won't believe what I saw at the police station today" he gave him her name and told him "check her out on instagram" 

Do you want to admit your reading his private communication? You can "confront" him, but you can't change his opinions or whatever locker room talk he has with coworkers.

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Does this mean that if he had a chance with her he will cheat on me. And it also means that he thinks that she is more beautiful or hotter than me.

 

It shows that if he had chances with women he finds hot he will cheat.

Edited by Loralora
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He merely observed that a female is hot and shared it with his mate. That doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you. Nor does this mean that you are less beautiful. Haven't you ever seen a good-looking man and gushed about it with your friend? A passing remark, but nothing to obsess about. As long as it stays that way, I wouldn't worry. 🙂

However, I suggest you to stop snooping and comparing yourself to other women.

 

Edited by greendots
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It's not cheating for someone to point out eye candy to a friend. It's playful banter that doesn't mean anything. You're not meant to hear it, because yes, it's not fun to listen to a SO go on about the attractiveness of another. So don't snoop.

It'd be a different story if he's one of those oglers who are constantly seeking out women to check out.

Why do you have so little faith in him that he'd cheat? Didn't you know him long enough to determine his character before marrying him? 

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2 hours ago, Loralora said:

And it also means that he thinks that she is more beautiful or hotter than me. It shows that if he had chances with women he finds hot he will cheat.

Unfortunately, you seem very unhappy and dissatisfied in the marriage in general.

 

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In the last month my friend and I have texted about a celebrity we both thought was hot (I think it was like a teenage or 20s crush) and she -unhappy in her marriage - texted about a neighbor she thinks is hot. I responded with banter about it but nothing much -I mean, I don't know him.  It's not a typical convo I have with any friends at all.  It's not interesting to me.  And sure if my husband read it he'd probably laugh at me or make some sarcastic comment or flex his muscles lol.  Because we trust each other.  Please don't snoop into his texts.  Either you trust him or you don't.  I never look at my husband's online communication (he has no social media other than twitter - I mean email or texts - and he doesn't look at mine.  

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You sound very insecure.  Why?  Also, why are you going into his phone?

He simply saw an attractive woman and mentioned it to his friend.  

I read some of your history.  It seems that there have been trust issues for some time.  What happened with the nurse?  You two need counseling.

Edited by Hollyj
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I spent some time reading your thread and the comments from back in September.  I think the reason why you feel so insecure about him checking out another woman's instagram and drooling over her is because of the way he treats you overall.

What I could tell from that thread a few months ago was:

1) He does not want to be married.  He makes sure he's never at home and always goes out with friends, even with knowing he should be helping you with the new baby, because he does not like being around you and the new baby.  As painful as that sounds, that's what his actions are saying.

2) He wants to be single again and carefree, able to have coffee dates with attractive nurses even though he knows it makes you uncomfortable because you two aren't even connecting at home, because he's always making sure he never IS at home.  

3) The way he, "relaxes," according to him on the other thread, is to be out carefree with his friends and never home alone with you, or with your child together.  He relaxes more in the way single men may relax, not a married man with a new baby.

4) He doesn't allow you to get out of the house for more than an hour and not even everyday... you're stuck at home and you said he gets mad if you're not back in time for another feeding.  He refuses to feed the baby formula he has to make himself, so that you could stay out longer.  He does not care about your needs or your emotions in general... just sounds very painful for you to be with this husband.

5) A few months ago your sex life was really suffering and that bothered you... has it changed at all now?  When you brought it up, he didn't seem interested in fixing it.  He makes sure he comes home after spending lots of time at work, and then around friends, with zero energy for your sex life, even though you don't like that.

OK... so all of that above... that's why him liking other women's appearance is bothering you I think.  It's not so much him paying attention to them, rather than he's been neglecting you and his marriage for a long time now, and seems dismissive when you bring anything up that could change it or better it.

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I also think the reason why you're feeling insecure is because marriage should not feel that way overall.  The phone thing is just the tip of the iceberg.

You shouldn't feel like you're having to force him or coerce him to stay home with you and, "enjoy," it.  Realistically, he should look forward to coming home to you, relaxing together during the evening, playing with his new baby and bonding with you both.  He doesn't enjoy it so he's not doing it.  😞 It's very sad from my point of view that he's acting like this.

My husband works a lot, but we relax together and do fun things together that makes us feel bonded during his free time.  Pre-covid, we actually went out together on dates and spent time relaxing/having fun that way.  I can't wait to get back to that and have mentally bookmarked very nice places to go with him once we're finally able to.  

But when he's home, he's mentally, "here," with us and plays with our kids and has designated a game night once a week where we each take turns picking what we'll play.  It's fun and relaxing and bonds us together as a family.  He would never want to go out 3-4 times a day to see friends and avoid us like that.  It would hurt our kids (and me!) if he was always going out with his friends and not ever interested in bonding with us here, or going out and bonding with us doing activities outside. 

It would dramatically lower their self-esteem if they knew their dad preferred to spend all his time out with friends and never home with them, and I think that's what's kind of happening to you overtime.  It's making even minor things like him sharing the girl's instagram with a male friend, feel even more painful because he's not interested in you as his wife and bonding with you, having sex with you, etc. 

He's neglecting you and your baby and your little family... ugh!  

Has anything from the other thread ever gotten better?  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

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This single conversation does not mean he will cheat on you, no. 

But it is a symptom of a marriage that is hanging by a thread with a man who sounds like he emotionally left the building ages ago (according to your other thread)

Confronting him about this particular message isn't going to make much difference to this guy. His heart and mind aren't with you anymore, sadly. 

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