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Help! Need advice - my boyfriend has offered to help me financially and now has gone back on his word.


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So my boyfriend and I have been going out for six years and are finally moving in together which is very exciting for us both! 
We are moving to London, which is obviously damn expensive. 

Where I live at the moment I am sharing with someone else and I, by law, have to pay rent until the end of February. 
However, we found the perfect rental home in London before Christmas. I loved it but explained to my boyfriend that I cannot justify a rent overlap of 1 month (the new landlords want us to move in end of January). 

We had quite a big discussion as he really didn’t want to lose the London property, so he agreed to pay half of my rent to help me out at my current place! This was so nice of him and because of this we agreed to go for the London property and signed the contract to move in end of January. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks.... my boyfriend suddenly realises he’s messed up big time. He was under the assumption he could leave his current London shared accommodation whenever as long as he gave one months notice.  Turns out on his contract it says that it is minimum 6 months, which means he has to pay until March. 

For this reason, he has now said he cannot help me and pay half my rent as previously agreed. I am really disappointed and quite upset by this, as the reason I decided to sign the contract was on the basis he would help me out. When I explained this to him, he responded angrily and said that if anything, I should feel sorry for him and no longer expect that money from him. He said he simply cannot justify giving me an extra £260 ontop of the £800ish he’s already going to be paying. 

I do understand he’s in a rubbish situation, which is why I need advice. Do I drop this and be  gracious about this because he’s come across hard times? He thinks I’m being very selfish to still expect the money of him. 

In my eyes (which may be completely wrong) we made an agreement and I trusted him with that. Now I am also financially in a (albeit smaller) problem which isn’t ideal, because of his mistake? In his words ‘we all make mistakes’ ... 

Help! I don’t want to ruin the vibes before we even live together for the first time. 

I do feel bad for him, but I feel disappointed. I am very careful with money and would never have agreed to go for the property if I knew I’d have to pay a whole months rent overlap. I think I just feel very let down. 
 

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Talk to your landlord and roommates. Also. Are you sure you are ready to live together if you are already fighting about costs and rents?

It's unclear why he didn't know the terms of his current lease and why he would drag you into co-signing a new lease without understanding his current lease terms.

It's also unclear what the rush is with the new place if you are both still obligated by current lease terms.

Whose idea was this? Are you sure he wants to live together?

Reconsider any financial arrangements with someone so apparently clueless that he's bound by 2 leases. Also why weren't either of you looking for replacements before signing this new lease.

It may be best to back out of this deal. Either he made a rash decision or he's come up with something to avoid it. Either way it's not a situation to do business with.

He should not have made false promises. You as well should be free and clear before you sign anything.

 

 

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2 hours ago, Headfullofflowers said:

 

It sounds to me that your boyfriend not helping you financially with your rent was unintentional because he realized he messed up.  He was under the assumption he could leave his current London shared accommodation whenever as long as he gave one months notice.  Turns out on his contract it says that it is minimum 6 months which he has to pay until March as you say.  Well then, unforeseen oversights and expenses always crop up every month.

Yes, drop this.  His rent comes first before yours.  You need to stand on your own two feet.  You need to figure out what to do, where to move and where to live.  It's your problem.  He has a point.  I wouldn't call you exactly selfish because both of you had an agreement.  You were unprepared for his previous assumption. 

I agree, we all make mistakes.  It's not the end of the world.  Of course, you're very disappointed.  However, don't allow this snafu to ruin your relationship. 

Always have your own money.  My mother taught me never to depend on any man for my survival and always be a financially strong and independent lady.  When you can take care of yourself economically, you automatically make yourself extremely attractive to men (& others including friends). 

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6 years in wouldn’t you both be at least a little bit working for the good of you both together?   In light of this new information regarding his expenses, are you and he still working as a team if he pays his rent and his other rent and yours as well? And is his cash flow significant enough that this triple expense would be no burden?

 

It’s an unlucky turn of events very definitely but I think in your shoes I would have been offering to cover my own rent before he even asked, because to me that feels like the right thing to do. Sometimes life throws unwanted and (we believe) undeserved expenses at us, sometimes you just have to suck it up and pay them.
 

Food for thought, you and may place different levels of importance around standing by an offer of money (even if the financial circumstances of the one offering change). If the roles were reversed what do you think you would have done? If your views on this are indeed different do you like enough things about him that you are willing to pay this as part of the price of admission?

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Well, I think this is a good example of a problem that you will either face together or end the relationship.  Maybe it's the beginning of the end. 

To be honest, this is also a really great lesson.  He made decisions based in what he "thought" not what he checked and knew. A big mistake and a costly one. 

You took him at his word,  thinking he could cover you. Another mistake.  It doesn't sound like he did this on purpose.  I am not sure if you were foolish, to believe him or not. (something for you to consider) 

But here is the thing, when you're married or sharing a life, these things could happen. One person messes up, but you both suffer.

Is this indicative of his behaviour? Do you frequently need others to bail you out? Because those are separate problems.

For the problem of the flat, are you more upset about the impact to you? And you're blaming him? 

You might not be ready to move in together. 6 years is a long time, but if you met as children, it's not. 

In relationships, you have to choose your battles. people do make mistakes.  if this is an honest mistake, you need to find a solution together.  One month's rent should not be that much money. I get that it is.  Especially as an unexpected expense but... 

Honestly, you might be living above your means.... At a minimum you need at least six month's of expenses in reserves. Because these unforseen expenses can happen. 

Depending on whether you have the money or not, you might need to try to get out of this contract. Can you swing this hefty payment upfront? Or does it put you too far behind on bills, that you won't be able to get over?

Make a long term decision that you can survive in the short term. Recognize these types of problems can happen. Is this guy someone you can work through problems with? What do you personally need to take more responsibility for regarding your own situation? Work it so that you always have your own money and can do they things you want. 

Good luck! let us know how it goes. 

 

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Do neither of you have any savings? How were you able to cover the deposit on the new place?

These are tough lessons, but now you know to never sign a lease without knowing exactly what will need to happen first. And don't get so excited over a shiny new flat that you put yourself into a financial bind.

I would pay it yourself if you have enough in savings to cover it. If you don't then it's probably necessary to give up the new lease and wait until both of you are financially able to pay for a new place.

And no, he is not the only one who messed up here. It was the both of you, by getting overly excited about the "perfect" new flat.

Edited by boltnrun
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If your boyfriend has been in the habit of not checking contract conditions before signature, then there is a reason of concern. But if this occurrence is a one-off thing and he is otherwise responsible with money, then to me you do come off as somewhat selfish and stingy to expect him to pay you 260 GBP. You could be more understanding to his plight. I guess these 260GBP are not going to ruin you, right? Now, if you are counting on these 260 for an emergency, I could understand that you insist in him paying you. But if it is just because your savings are your top priority-then, I think your demand to be paid attests to some stinginess.  

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He should pay half of what was agreed to originally.  That sets him back half of what he agreed to and sets you back half of what was due. You pay the other half the difference.  It's his mistake and you shouldn't have to pay the consequences for his oversight.  This is goodwill compromise where you share the burden.  It's very generous.

If you both want to save this relationship you share the burden of the dilemma.

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Where are your savings?  

He screwed up, so he should be the one covering half of what was promised..  How could he have not known when his contract ended? Very careless.   Sorry, but is this someone you want to mix your finances with?

You two do not sound responsible.  

Edited by Hollyj
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42 minutes ago, East4 said:

If your boyfriend has been in the habit of not checking contract conditions before signature, then there is a reason of concern. 

Yes, this is the most concerning part. Extremely impulsive, chaotic, poor business/financial decisions. Do not move into this place. It's already causing headaches and heartaches, just trying to manage it ..before it even happened. He seems quite irresponsible and unable to be clear on contracts leases planning or money management. Call the prospective place and get yourself out of it. 

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This situation reminds me a story when I was a young child and I was living with my grandparents. Two twin houses shared the same yard and the people in the other twin house were my grandfather relatives, so really close-nit and everybody knew everything about each other.

In that time, during the communist regime it was impossible to get rich, only a few trades that granted a job abroad could get you some extra cash. So, the neighbor had one of these jobs: a seaman, he was absent on long cruises of 9 months to an year to earn more, because his wife desperately wanted for them to get a place of their own and leave the overcrowded house, where they were living with the husband's parents (this was normal at the time, I am talking of 40 years ago). So, they had saved up a huge amount for that time, 13000$, and the husband was on his last cruise before they reckoned they would have enough to buy a house. They had two small kids, and he was fed up with being away from home, leaving his wife and two young kids for long stretches of time.

His wife decided to put all the savings, 13,000$ in a Ponzi scheme, it was something new at the time, hoping to quickly receive a large yield, so that her husband would quit travelling and they will have enough money for a new house, furniture, etc. It goes without saying that the Ponzi scheme guy was coming every other day to convince her how great of a benefit she will reap after only 1 month. So, she put ALL their savings in that Ponzi scheme and...lost everything. The Ponzi guy was nowhere to be found. 

She was in a painful state, lost enormous amount of weight, turned into a walking skeleton. We were all scared for her mental and physical health and would not leave her to be alone. She was crying all the time. She was sure that when her husband would return back from the ship cruise, he would divorce her and take away their children, upon finding out that she had lost stupidly all their hard-earned money. He was calling whenever he could, but she didn't want to speak to him on the phone. Which was very unusual because everybody knew she was crazy in love with her husband.  In turn, her husband grew very worried that his wife didn't want to talk to him, and all sort of black scenarios, he said later, were running through his mind.

So, the day of his return from cruise after 9 months absence arrived. We were all in the yard, even I was there, 4-5 y.o kid. My uncle and grandfather were ready to intervene if a messy scene  ensued. I remember like it was yesterday, how he entered through the yard gate and the whole small community of the twin houses were there to meet him. His wife was there all pale, her eyes fixed on the ground, she wouldn't dare look him in the face. His eyes were like two big question marks "what is going on?" they were asking. He staggered a step back when he saw her: so pale, emaciated, she didn't look like herself.  He grabbed her in his arms and asked her why she was looking so ill. She whispered what has been torturing her for such a long time: "I lost the money, all of it. Put it in Ponzi scheme, and it failed, the man is also gone with our money." Her husband...he started laughing, with the heartiest laughter I have ever heard. He said: "Is this why you were not talking to me for six months? I thought that a close relative, or a friend had died and you didn't want to tell me; or that you found another man and you do not love me anymore."

They did buy a house of their own later on. The husband passed away several years ago, but I still remember how he was walking with his wife, already an old couple, still holding her hand, after so many years of marriage and ... after she had lost all their savings at one point. 

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Suck it up sista. S%^& happens because life happens. Take it from an old bird like me, always have a plan B or C for the "just in case" plan A doesn't work out. This is going to be a very valuable life lesson for the both of you.

There is nothing worse and time wasting than crying over spilt milk. Rise to the challenge together and get 'r done. Don't have enough money? There are banks, credit card cash advance, pawn shops, friends, and family, FB marketplace to sell stuff for cash/get cash. Learn to be resourceful rather than be sour about it. You can do this!

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