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Hello. I have never used a forum before. I don’t even know if I’m doing this right 😞 

I am so alone and so lost. I need some help. I have a professional I’ll be seeing but she isn’t back form her holiday until Feb. 

This is probably going to be long. I am sorry but thank you if you do take the time to read and reply. 
I was in a relationship for 5 years with my now ex. When I met him I had just starred dating again after my marriage ended. He was so sweet and fun and the sex was so good. He was a little messy. Didn’t seem to have his *** together but I thought, let’s give him a minute. He seems like he’s trying and is really sweet. Anyway, throughout the next few years, things weren’t always sunshine and rainbows. But I guess I always believed in his potential and ours. I thought his head was a little messy but his heart was good. There were addiction issues. First drugs. Then gambling. I stood by him for all that. Even when it got hard. He was amazing with my kids. They fell in love with him too. He had some traits that being an anxious personality I struggled with.  He would go AWOL, either migraines or if we fought, he would avoid me for a few days. He was a big avoider. Not the best at communication. Sometimes the issues with addiction also caused this. Anyway, he got help and we moved in together. Then that’s when I discovered he was gambling and had stolen a lot of money from his dad. All his family were hurt. I kicked him out. 4 days after I kicked him out he was at a girls place but couldn’t sleep with her. I guess he had a tiny bit of decency. But he did fool around with her. Then he bailed and ghosted her. I found this all out 5 months after it happened and from her. He was hacked and this “hacker” sent me all these messages and things from all sorts of social media etc. some before I even knew him. But there was some stuff from when I was with him. Like when I kicked him out in august and he was then living in a bad place and got tempted by drugs again, he had been on hook up sites. He also had done this a few years before after we had a fight. But swore he never wanted to meet anyone. He just chatted. So anyway, after August we had decided to stay together but he wasn’t living with me. He spent that time in counseling and trying to fight for me and showing me he could be who I thought  he was. I knew I’d struggle with trust and explained that. But he was still willing to fight. Fast forward to January when he was hacked and all the stuff came out. I was so hurt. I wanted to end things. This guy was relentless. He fought for me again. And kept telling me he would prove how good we could be. So we stayed together. Trust for me was so hard. I always doubted him. I was scared he was hiding stuff. I couldn’t handle him sharing with females in rentals. And I had my guard up. We were going to start couples counselling but then Covid happened and it got pushed back. Fast forward to august 2020 and he drops a bombshell that he has applied for a job in a different state (as he was struggling to find work here due to Covid). He ends up getting the job and granted a permit to travel to the new state. Anyway, I was so sad. I didn’t want him to go. I thought when we finally had a chance to sort us out. He was leaving. He promised it would be for a year. He said it would help us and believed we would be fine long distance. I even suggested ending things as I wasn’t sure I would cope. He cried saying he didn’t want that. 
So 4 months in to long distance. I have a moment where I get a little insecure. He reassures me and we sort it out. We have a really good conversation one night and he even comes up with little ideas on how we can make things easier on me. He says he is 100% sure he wants to be with me. And then that’s it. I get ghosted. I go crazy. Calling, texting, emailing. He doesn’t respond. He doesn’t have social media as he got rid of it back when the hacking happened. So radio silence. My birthday comes a month later and he sends me a text. Stating he is sorry for eveyhrbjg and hopes I had a nice bday. He promised to call. He did this 3 times. The call never came. I try calling each time he is meant to but he doesn’t answer. I contacted his dad and his sister and they say they don’t know why he is doing it and try to contact him. Still he doesn’t contact me. Then about 3 weeks after that, I’m a little drunk after my work Xmas party and I text him jusy asking for an explanation. He replies saying he is sorry for everything, he doesn’t know why he is doing it etc etc. he will get a text to me in a few days. I ask when he fell out of love with me and he says “I haven’t fallen out of love with you”. Then Christmas Eve I receive the text. The break up one I guess. Saying I deserve better, that he thinks of stuff he did to me and it still makes him cringe. That he is happy and building a life for himself. That maybe we will find our way back to each other or maybe we won’t. But for now he can’t do this with me anymore that we are too broken.  That he loves me and probably always will. And that’s it. 5 years. Ended with a text. He doesn’t when I try to call or when I reply. all this time I have felt things didn’t add up. I mean this guy have me a card when he left saying he was 100% sure he would be coming back for me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. 
just the other day, he reactivated all social media after 2 years. I thought it was odd. Then He blocks me. I’m so hurt. I text him saying why did he block me. What have I done? Why does it have to be nasty? Of course he doesn’t reply. But interestingly he unblocked me. Still unfriended but not blocked. But  I then find out he was in my state visiting family during that Xmas time. So here when he sent the text. But to make it worse, he’s also with someone else. Which is what I always assumed. My worst fear had come true. 
I just can’t breathe or put myself together.  Nothing makes sense. It’s been months of torture. Of hell. How can he leave me for someone else? All the stuff he said. I don’t know what was real or what was bull*** 😞 I feel like I meant nothing to him. I never had a conversation. Never had a chance to talk to him. Nothing. And then this. So I can’t even let him know I know or face him! I am sure he must have cheated with her and that’s when he went weird. Obviously clearly happy with her now. So I ended up sending a final text letting him know I knew and obviously explaining how horrible this is. What he did. And then I blocked him everywhere. 
I just can’t understand it. I can’t comprehend it. He said he still was in love with me! So is that a lie? I’m so confused. I hate him so much. He has done some real damage. I don’t know what I’m asking. Or what I’m needing. I have been in such a dark hole. Sometimes I wish I could never wake up 😞 only because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I am sure he hasn’t even told the truth to his family or friends. They probably think he ended things with me and then met her. They probably don’t even know he sent me a stupid txt. I go crazy with thinking wondering how the hell did he do this. The guy who told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me and that there would never be anyone after me 😞 I just feel worthless. Like someone else will now get the best of him. Her. 

 I can’t sleep. I don’t eat. I can’t function. I want this to stop 😞 
 

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This man is an absolute mess. Having a drug addict around your kids is a very bad idea. 

Once you get past the hurt you'll realize how bad he was for you. It'll take some time for the painful fog to clear but once it does you'll know how lucky you are to be free from this horrible relationship. 

And I know, it wasn't all bad. It never is. But it was bad enough. 

I hope you are able to get past the pain soon.

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52 minutes ago, CaitlynBroken said:

 I can’t sleep. I don’t eat. I can’t function.

Awww 😞   I'm so sorry this guy put you through all of this... so awful. (sounds similar to something i went thru a few yrs ago.. yes, hurts!)  Selfish A$$.

Sounds like your anxiety is through the roof.... I suggest you contact your doctor for something to help you - calm down a bit... to help you sleep, etc.

I also suggest you ask your dr about getting some help in dealing with all of this.. I had therapy for a good while, as I worked through my messed up head... but am doing better nowadays.

I know this hurts.. and it will for a while.  It seems like HE put you into a whirlwind of mess- he has always been messed up, IMO.  Has never had himself together - you saw it too, right?

Once you give this some time... you WILL see how messed up it all was- that he could not 'give' properly.

Will probably be much the same with this one, yes?  With his issue's -- give it time.

Some people, like this are VERY selfish.  Is all about them, because they are troubled.. lost.  They really don't see or appreciate what they've got... so that's on them!  But, nothing we can do... we just have to bite our tongue and keep walking.

In time, you'll come to see how challenging this all was... that in the end, it's best this way.  He has too much crap going on- he is no good.  and YOU don't need any of this!

You need someone who's decent, has their head on straight and has their life together. ( IMO, you just took it for too long - way longer than you should have -- but that's because we get emotionally involved)  😞 

If you sit back though - I feel you knew enough... his crap about gambling (trouble- any addiction), to running off to other women.. pathetic behaviour ( Plus, fact that you two had broken up) and your trust was tarnished!

All of this leads to HUGE problems...

So, let's just say YOU let this go on for way longer than it should have... and in time you WILL be okay again.. and relieved that you no longer have to put up with someone like this.. the lies & deceit. (people like this are just too much).

Give it time... you can do this.. you WILL be okay again.  :) 

One day at a time

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Awww 😞   I'm so sorry this guy put you through all of this... so awful. (sounds similar to something i went thru a few yrs ago.. yes, hurts!)  Selfish A$$.

Sounds like your anxiety is through the roof.... I suggest you contact your doctor for something to help you - calm down a bit... to help you sleep, etc.

I also suggest you ask your dr about getting some help in dealing with all of this.. I had therapy for a good while, as I worked through my messed up head... but am doing better nowadays.

I know this hurts.. and it will for a while.  It seems like HE put you into a whirlwind of mess- he has always been messed up, IMO.  Has never had himself together - you saw it too, right?

Once you give this some time... you WILL see how messed up it all was- that he could not 'give' properly.

Will probably be much the same with this one, yes?  With his issue's -- give it time.

Some people, like this are VERY selfish.  Is all about them, because they are troubled.. lost.  They really don't see or appreciate what they've got... so that's on them!  But, nothing we can do... we just have to bite our tongue and keep walking.

In time, you'll come to see how challenging this all was... that in the end, it's best this way.  He has too much crap going on- he is no good.  and YOU don't need any of this!

You need someone who's decent, has their head on straight and has their life together. ( IMO, you just took it for too long - way longer than you should have -- but that's because we get emotionally involved)  😞 

If you sit back though - I feel you knew enough... his crap about gambling (trouble- any addiction), to running off to other women.. pathetic behaviour ( Plus, fact that you two had broken up) and your trust was tarnished!

All of this leads to HUGE problems...

So, let's just say YOU let this go on for way longer than it should have... and in time you WILL be okay again.. and relieved that you no longer have to put up with someone like this.. the lies & deceit. (people like this are just too much).

Give it time... you can do this.. you WILL be okay again.  🙂

One day at a time

Thank you so much. I cried my eyes out reading this. I do have a therapist but she is away until the 5th. So it’s been a bit hard to navigate this mess. 
You are right in all you said. I guess I just can’t understand how he just moved on so fast. Why he told me he loved me if he doesn’t? And why he’s so absolutely cruel and cold to me. Ghosting etc. never giving me the chance to talk. Just completely cut me off. Like I’m nothing. 
I guess I am so scared she gets the best of him now 😞

 

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

This man is an absolute mess. Having a drug addict around your kids is a very bad idea. 

Once you get past the hurt you'll realize how bad he was for you. It'll take some time for the painful fog to clear but once it does you'll know how lucky you are to be free from this horrible relationship. 

And I know, it wasn't all bad. It never is. But it was bad enough. 

I hope you are able to get past the pain soon.

Thank you so much. I appreciate this. He wasn’t ever around my kiddies while he used drugs. He wasn’t on them in a way that was daily or even weekly. It was far and few between. But a lot more when he wasn’t with me and younger. I really can’t wait to be past this x

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This guy is a dumpster fire, OP. 

He lies and manipulates you. He treats you poorly and has for years.  He is a terrible influence to have around your children. You are really going to need to get to the bottom of why you set your standards so low for this type of person, and wrapped up your whole identity in someone who showed you over and over that he doesn't love you or even respect you. 

When you are healed, you are going to be thankful this toxic person is out of your life. This was never going to end well and it's torn your self-esteem to shreds. Keep your friends and family close to you, and cease all contact with his, too. They aren't him and can't help you. 

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3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This guy is a dumpster fire, OP. 

He lies and manipulates you. He treats you poorly and has for years.  He is a terrible influence to have around your children. You are really going to need to get to the bottom of why you set your standards so low for this type of person, and wrapped up your whole identity in someone who showed you over and over that he doesn't love you or even respect you. 

When you are healed, you are going to be thankful this toxic person is out of your life. This was never going to end well and it's torn your self-esteem to shreds. Keep your friends and family close to you, and cease all contact with his, too. They aren't him and can't help you. 

Thank you. I am going to work with my psychotherapist to get to the bottom of exactly what you said. Why I set my standard so low 😞 it helps to hear that it isn’t me.  

Yes, unfortunately my self esteem has been destroyed. Hoping I can build that back up with help xx

 

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4 hours ago, CaitlynBroken said:

. I have a professional I’ll be seeing but she isn’t back form her holiday until Feb. 

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. No matter how lonely you were after your divorce, someone like this is like a tornado ripping through your life.

Focus on your own physical and mental health. You may want to look into getting checked out by a physician if support therapy isn't working.

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1 hour ago, CaitlynBroken said:

it helps to hear that it isn’t me.  

The fact that you even question this is very sad.

However, it's an indicator of how little you expect out of a man. I would have kicked this loser's sorry butt to the curb ages ago. He's not good enough to take me for a Slurpee, let alone be a significant part of my life in any way. 

So perhaps that's where you need to dig deep: why do you think so little of yourself? How long have you felt that you don't deserve something better? What is your dating/relationship history like, and do you tend to gravitate towards sketchy men? 

 

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9 hours ago, CaitlynBroken said:

I just can’t understand how he just moved on so fast. Why he told me he loved me if he doesn’t? And why he’s so absolutely cruel and cold to me. Ghosting etc. never giving me the chance to talk. Just completely cut me off. Like I’m nothing. 

- Sometimes... they are not 'all in it' as assumed.  

- Some have left the relationship already, long before we learn of it (emotionally).

- Some don't know what 'love' is..- him?  He sounds like he's just messed- unable to 'love' anyone.

And, as for 'love'... is how they are to you.. Actions speak louder than words... Is what they do, not what they say.

( He's nasty to you! Cruel & cold.. ghosting?  How freakin GOOD is any of that..?)  😞 

~>  As for his 'new one'?  Nah, she'll most likely get EXACTLY what you did... give it time ... People do NOT change that quickly- he'll put on an act for a while.. BUT one can only fake it for so long....

((hugz)).... I know it hurts.. but he is a loser! - You never deserved any of that.. You know :) 

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This guy is a real piece of garbage.  I hope that you are not still following him on social media?  Have you blocked and deleted his number?  

Please do address why you would choose such a disaster-you knew this from the start-and continue on after all that he showed you of himself.   I also suggest that you not date for at least two years, as you may choose another loser like him.

You should not be exposing your kids to a guy like this.  

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First, I feel bad for your current mental state and don’t think that COVID isn’t playing a part.  Please look after yourself and know that this terrible time will pass.

Second, I read this post and all I can recall is ghosting, rude behavior excuses, upon excuses and emotional abuse. Relationships are not supposed to be this difficult or volatile. Did he ever take you out for dinner, organize a birthday weekend or do nice things for you?  Sounds like it was 90% torture and one big anxiety attack. Please realize you are a fixer and he just can’t be fixed. 

Take a rest, look after yourself and set the next relationship bar high.  The moment a guy starts ignoring me/not responding to messages, I never contact them again. By letting him back into your life every time he vanished you are basically accepting his poor behavior. 

What is it that you have lost exactly?  This guy is a loser.

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I'm very familiar with those who suffer from addiction. Mental illness is usually at the root of it. So please don't feel guilt or blame yourself for what has happened. You kicking him out has nothing to do with the road he keeps choosing. By the sounds of it, his family, his ex have been dealing with the same things for years...they have been there for him, got him help, supported him...and he keeps going back to his old ways. It's a cycle you yourself could never have stopped. I get it...it's very disappointing, and deflating. The truth be told, there is nothing you could have done.

We see this happen all the time...the OP clings onto hope because there were the good times, of the once was...they want it back so bad, they are willing to put up with the abuse for the "someday" to return, but sadly no. The best move is to move on. You are not giving up on him, you are saving yourself from more hurt.

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