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I feel sad about this....


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This is a friendship question and anybody that can offer insight, please do. I am a person who married my best friend and felt totally secure and happy with him for 20 years. Sadly, he had a sudden passing and it was hard. I went through some major trauma at work as well and fast forward to a few years later and I ruin a friendship because I became so attached. I met Cindy (name change) through a PT and after several appointments, we found out we had a lot in common. I was kind of scared to establish a true friendship, but a few months later, we did and we shared common interests. I was careful at first, tried to not be too available and she pursued me then I liked this friendship very much. She emailed a lot, I texted and I got to where if I didn't hear from her I would get worried inside (thus the anxious side of things). I then intiated most of the contact towards the end, which made things unbalanced. She began to fade me and I hated that because there would be no closure and no control on my part. I waited a couple of weeks and then sent an email explaining that no closure was painful and hard on people and I explained I had been through some trauma and could we talk? She simply texted me and said she was sorry I felt this way, but it was time to call it quits. In the past week or so, I came upon the personality types while doing some research; I am the anxious attached one and I realized then that she was avoidant in many ways. I shouldn't have pushed her and just let it go and maybe it would have worked out. If she had been willing to communicate, it would have been easier. Either way, I am sad about this happening and working on trying to move forward, but it is hard. If you have any insight, please comment

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1 hour ago, trc1962 said:

She simply texted me and said she was sorry I felt this way, but it was time to call it quits. In the past week or so, I came upon the personality types while doing some research; I am the anxious attached one and I realized then that she was avoidant in many ways. I shouldn't have pushed her and just let it go and maybe it would have worked out. If she had been willing to communicate, it would have been easier. Either way, I am sad about this happening and working on trying to move forward, but it is hard.

Are you sure.. this is you and her re: personality types? 

You can never be sure as to what made her fade away.. it may not have been YOU pushing at her.... but she was just distancing on her own.

 

In the beginning you mentioned your past trauma.. so hard for sure 😞 ... and you have had some prof help with this?

I have had yrs off & on, in therapy... it has helped.  To work through some issue's & coping mehcanisms.

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It’s a hard but invaluable learning curve to realise most friendships won’t last forever. 
 

Some last for a reason

Some last for a season

Some last for a life time

 

You thought she would be a life time friend and that turned out to be wrong. Looking back, maybe you can see if it was a season or a reason. Hearing ‘a reason, a season, a life time’ helped me let go of some friends who had faded me, it was a useful perception shift. 
 

There are a couple of other things you can do going forward, take on the project of meeting new people, maybe even making new friends. Making new friends is very much a long game. Step one is taking up some activities that will bring you into contact with new people. Volunteer, study something, join a social hobby. Step two is making a point to talk to some of those new people. Sometimes they’ll seem cool and you might like to invite them to do things one on one. They may say no, no harm no foul. They may say yes, congratulations you are on the way to making a new friend. (Keeping in mind that like romantic dating as you get to know each other one or the other of you might change their mind about being friends and that’s normal and fine, sometimes you have to know a person better to know you don’t click with that person).

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We were friends over 1 year period, but knew each other longer. I am not scared of making friends, I just picked up early on a vibe that I could get involved and she might hurt me by doing something like she did. I do have other friends, but none I enjoy as much as I did her. I am interested in making new friends, but in this covid time, that is tough. 

 

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Honestly,  you probably should talk to a professional therapist. This will be the best approach considering you have been through a lot with grief and finding your way forward. 

But I just wanted to say,  not knowing you or what you are like, try not to beat yourself up over the way you handled things.  You handled them the way you did and there's no benefit to beating yourself up. 

I am a very easy going person. In genera I don't cling to anyone. I'm cool with everybody, meaning if someone didn't call me, I'd let it go and just continue to let it be, until they did.  And even that has caused problems... like I don't do enough.  so my point is, in some ways you can't win.  It's up to each person to communicate with you about what they like and don't like.  It's really unfair to just snap on a person, especially,  if they had no idea what they were doing wasn't cool. 

Hang in there

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Like any relationship, this had compatibility issues so it fell apart. Don't take it so hard. Throughout life friendships will come and go for a vary of reasons. Perfectly normal. When we lose it's hard, but there will always be someone else around the corner. Chin up, be positive.

Edited by smackie9
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Thanks for the comments and I will try to take them all to heart. This is another trauma, but I can make my way through it and over it in time. I am better prepared for the next situation I find myself in and that is good. I understand more about myself now and that is okay as well.

 

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11 hours ago, trc1962 said:

 She simply texted me and said she was sorry I felt this way, but it was time to call it quits. 

Sorry this happened. It would be best to leave her alone. Try to round out your life a bit more. Reach out to friends family co-workers neighbors etc for socializing.

Also this woman is not your therapist. That's above anyone's pay grade.

If you need to address unresolved grief, troubles at work or other issues upsetting you, a therapist can help you unpack and sort all this out.

Try not to be label yourself with trending faux diagnoses. It does more harm than good to pigeon hole yourself.

A licensed qualified therapist can help you in realistic ways.

Was this more than a friendship in your eyes?

 

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I can't help but get the impression that you frame this more like a romantic relationship than a friendship. 

I don't mean that you have a romantic interest in her. However, the talk of being afraid to get involved, identifying attachment types, needing closure - that's usually the stuff couples go through, rather than your average friendship. If someone had read this post without knowing this is a friendship, it sounds a lot more like a woman who is distressed over her emotionally-absent partner. 

It seems that you're inadvertently blurring the lines between friendship and a deeper emotional attachment, which I imagine she picked up on and wasn't comfortable with. In other words, your expectations and the emotional significance your assigned to this friendship were out of synch with hers. I have been on the other side of this with a friend who I felt was too emotionally-dependent on me and I had to take my space from her. It was not a comfortable position to be in, and I didn't like feeling as though her happiness (or anxiety) was dependent on my interactions with her. 

If you haven't done so, I would contact a professional therapist who can help you untangle your emotions surrounding this and the loss of your husband. I would venture that there is some cause-and-effect here. 

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I have a psyche who has been with me all through the loss, which is why I have been able to excell in many area of my life. I have not struggled with friendship until this person came along and I will move ahead here and be fine. Thanks for the comments.

 

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