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Should I stay with my boyfriend?


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Hi All. This is my first time writing a post but I’m desperate at this point. I’m young and just want to have a happy life. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We are at the point and age of considering if we want to be with each other for the rest of our lives. He’s wonderful, and driven and handsome and honest. But I’m just not sure if it makes sense anymore. He never wants to have sex with me, in which the rejection has driven me back into a eating disorder that I gave up long ago. He constantly puts the blame on me for everything, I don’t thank him enough, I don’t do this or that. He never looks at himself and what he does wrong. And if I do he storms away until I apologize. As much as I see the positives, I can’t be his crutch any longer. I’m a very strong woman but sometimes I get a weird vibe like “is this emotional abuse or just his insecurities glaring at me.” 
 

At the same time, before this I was single for a long time and waiting for the *perfect* person to come my way. I dealt with the rejection of past boyfriends, loniness, rejection and coldness from men on dating apps. For seven whole years. I feel like I know what’s out there and I was nothing to do with it.

 

Any advice?

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7 minutes ago, Nonyu said:

And if I do he storms away until I apologize. As much as I see the positives, I can’t be his crutch any longer. I’m a very strong woman but sometimes I get a weird vibe like “is this emotional abuse or just his insecurities glaring at me.” 

Emotional abuse/neglect... and his insecurities = Not acceptable. See what it's doing?

He's immature on how he handles anything... storming away?  Not dealing with issue's.. laying blame, no intimate times?  This is not a healthy relationship... 2 yrs, been long enough?

7 minutes ago, Nonyu said:

At the same time, before this I was single for a long time and waiting for the *perfect* person to come my way. I dealt with the rejection of past boyfriends, loniness, rejection and coldness from men on dating apps. For seven whole years.

- Honestly.. is there a 'perfect' person?  No.

As I often say... there's all kinds.  Sadly, there is a lot of people 'stuck' in their own ways, of life.  You will get neglect, ignorance, etc.. But this is NOT on you.  Please do NOT resort to dating sites... Do you know how many are on there.. and why?  They are bored.. lonely.. wanting one thing.. - you name it, they're there.

Some may be real.  some may feel the same as you do.. rejected, etc.  You cannot always count on something like that... and take any of that personally.

My brother was single almost 10 yrs before he found his wife.  he was in no hurry, but he did eventually find someone 'compatible' with him. .. As for me, I am not interested- I have had enough of all that.. I have no more expectations.. ( If i dont get involved, I won't get hurt, is how I see it).. but that's me  :)

One never knows if or when they may find someone as into them as they are into the other.. someone who is real, compatible, etc.. I say just go with the flow.  One day at a time... stop trying so hard, or expecting a lot.

Meanwhile, carry on with your life... learn to enjoy yourself.. your friends & family.  How about a hobby/crafts... get lost in your music. tv, etc.  One day, you just never know.. but try not to beat yourself down about this.

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Sounds like a manipulative, abusive bully.  You know that your relationship is highly toxic, don't you think that it time to kick this trash to the curb!

There is no 'perfect person,"  but there is kind, loyal, loving, compassionate, and respectful, all the things your bf is not.

Edited by Hollyj
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5 hours ago, Nonyu said:

 . He never wants to have sex with me, in which the rejection has driven me back into a eating disorder that I gave up long ago. 

Sorry this is happening. You're not ready willing or able to go further.

If this is the fork in the road, go without him.

You're trying to fix and change him. Trying to pressure yourself to rework him into a future husband. With sort of a last chance pressure on yourself.

Focus on your physical and mental health first. That's the commitment to concentrate on now. He's not responsible for your anxiety, depression or eating disorder.

There's way too much conflict and unhappiness to go forward. He's been checked out for quite a while. Stop fighting for him. It's a losing battle.

 

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10 hours ago, Nonyu said:

before this I was single for a long time and waiting for the *perfect* person to come my way. I dealt with the rejection of past boyfriends, loniness, rejection and coldness from men on dating apps. For seven whole years. I feel like I know what’s out there and I was nothing to do with it.

I understand that it's scary to get back out there, but that's not a good reason to settle for a relationship that makes you unhappy. 

Now you know what you don't want. That's great.

But staying in this relationship is now just wasting the time you have to find what you do want. 

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Obviously if you're regularly miserable with your partner, he's not the right one. If you can't deal with OLD, you can get yourself out in the world volunteering and taking up hobbies where you might meet quality men. I know a couple who met as volunteers at the zoo. You can be a museum docent. Help out at Habitat for Humanity. Take dance lessons. Try Meetup.com. Good luck.

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4 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said:

As much as you won't want to hear it, if you're asking if you should stay, you probably should not. 

 

Once you're questioning it, it's your sign to move on. It sounds like is is a bit selfish and toxic. 

This is always my first thought. If you have to ask, you probably know the answer. 

In addition,  I think there is more at play here. the guy might seem ok on the surface and outsiders don't see how mean spirited and damaged his personality is. 

So you feel comfortable or comforted by society, that you are coupled up and you fear being alone. You're right, there can be some messed up people out there in the dating pool.

But on the other side,  he isn't good to you or for you.  And settling for this because you're afraid of never meeting a good one again, is a self fulfilled prophecy. How are you going to heal and eventually meet new guys? You have a boyfriend, low self-esteem and an eating disorder. 

Step up and start taking better care of yourself! Get rid of this guy. Build a better future! You can do it. 

Edited by Lambert
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I think it’s difficult to really tell you whether to persevere or throw in the towel just based on what you’ve written. I definitely could’ve said similar things about my husband when we were dating, but we learned how to communicate with one another and have been very happily married for almost 5 years now. 

Because you cannot control his behavior, I would suggest starting with yourself. What are some issues you’ve brought to his attention? Did you do it in a way that didn’t make him defensive? Did you do it at a time where he wasn’t able to hear what you’re saying? When he responds, can you understand how he feels or why he feels that way, or do you just automatically respond without considering his point of view? Do you do little things to show your love that would matter to him? Do you acknowledge when he does something you appreciate (putting in extra hours at work, skipping guys night to watch a movie with you, etc)?

I am not saying that he is not this issue, and all of those questions were rhetorical. I am just suggesting that perhaps you two have not yet learned how to communicate with each other (it’s different for everyone), and that might be a good starting point. Remember, the grass is greener where you water it, so here you have an opportunity to put in the work and grow something beautiful.

Once you feel like you’ve given what you can to this relationship, you’ll have no question as to whether you want to stay or go.

I hope you find your happiness!

Edited by indea08
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So obviously he has trouble communicating how he is feeling, and you can't decipher the message he's portraying from his behavior. Seek out couples counseling. Ya ya I get it everyone gets defensive saying "I'm not cray! I don't need counseling!" "There is nothing wrong with me!" That's not what this kind of counseling is for...it's for learning how to communicate with each other. How to talk to each other and how to listen, and understand. Seeing the other's POV, not be afraid to speak openly and honestly without being offended, or offend the other. That is how you say it to him.

If he is not willing to take that step to save your relationship, then the relationship has come to an end.

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On 1/22/2021 at 10:30 PM, Nonyu said:

He never wants to have sex with me, in which the rejection has driven me back into a eating disorder that I gave up long ago.

Nonyu, you are worth it - whether your boyfriend sleeps with you or not.

Regarding your eating disorder, are you seeing a specialist about it and is your boyfriend aware? I'm asking because your health is important. In fact, you are important so please take good care of yourself.

Anyhow, bottom line: You matter! So, please take good care of yourself. If he doesn't value you, it's time to find someone who will.

Edited by greendots
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