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My boyfriend making comments to other women


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Just now, SIDIE0101 said:

But everyone is saying that “I made him” I didn’t make him do anything.

I see. 

Just now, SIDIE0101 said:

I got to either decide to forgive and move on or not. 

Yup.

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Social media is not the problem, your bf is.  He is not to be trusted,  but you already know  that. 

OP, no-one here can tell you how to trust him.  Once trust has been broken, it is (usually) extremely hard to get it back. There will always be doubt. Always. It never really goes away.  It is up to y

Could I ask you what culture you're from? I must be honest, I'm confused why you want this relationship and why you want things to be like this. You're being defensive but I just wonder is it a lack o

1 minute ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Honestly this may be his way of controlling how much YOU see. 

He may have started up a new facebook, and now without you on it, he doesn't have to, "deal," with your, "drama," anymore when he flirts with random women online!

I'd be out of there so fast...  He is just plain untrustworthy!

I get your point too. But I truly do not believe he would go to that extent 

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4 hours ago, Snny said:

I will go against the grain here:

After clicking on her most recent profile picture, I seen he had commented “beautiful 🌹” I asked him why would he tell another woman she was beautiful while in a relationship? After telling him how hurt I was, I reminded him how my ex cheated on me by starting little flirty comments that turned into more. He said he wouldn’t ever do it again.

 

If I were the boyfriend I would dump someone who’s like this for two reasons: Telling someone is “beautiful” is complimenting, not flirting. There are tons of women out there who will be prettier than you (and me). And men (single, dating, engaged or married) are going to LOOK. Does that greatly bother you? Then it’s your insecurity that’s the problem. And two... comparing your EX to your current boyfriend is a NASTY blow. You didn’t handle the first instance very well and it cost your boyfriend’s trust.

His “perfection” comment and follow up comment though was out of line. Saying someone is beautiful, fine... “Perfection,” crosses the line and makes you feel very unattractive to him. That was a really stupid comment to say while in a relationship. Unfortunately his behavior (lying) is a result of how overreactive you were on a small, innocent comment. Since you all now have mistrust issues, do not be surprised that this relationship will end because he will eventually resent you being “controlling” or “insecure” (even if he decided to deactivate his social media accounts on). But seriously, I wouldn’t hold the first instance against him.

Personally I would apologize for overreacting to the compliment comment if I were you. And he should sincerely apologize for the perfection comment. That’s the only way to get past this and move on. 

So I’m supposed to be okay with him calling another woman beautiful, but not okay with him calling her perfection? It’s the same thing. It made me question myself, like if I’m as beautiful as you say I am, “the most beautiful woman in the world to me babe” then why does he have to make his opinion public?? Why couldn’t he have simply left it alone thought it in his head and moved on? 

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I’m old fashioned when it comes to relationships, I wanna love like my grandparents had... no damn social media, no making flirty comments because that was seen as disrespectful back then. I have some insecurities yes, I have self image issues. They are called birth defects. Before anyone tells me I need to fix my insecurities, maybe think about okay maybe this person truly can’t fix it. Aka me. I live with my insecurities. He was married for 8 years, had 2 children with her. I’m 20 years old! I cook, clean, and take care of his children. Make sure he has dinner ready for him on the table by 5:30 because that’s when he gets home. He never not once asked me to do these things. I did them myself because if a woman truly cares for her man she will do these things. I don’t want him or his children living in a dirty home. I want them to eat good home made meals. I truly don’t ask for much of anything in return. Be 100% truthful, be 100% devoted to me, and love me for me! I seriously don’t think that’s too much to ask for. I went on this page to ask if I should be concerned about the lying part. And everyone went in on me about “me making him take off Facebook” it was his decision! He said I think we should just eliminate the whole thing. So we deleted fb and insta. We done it for ourselves. We both were tired of it anyways. He’s got some issues but a relationship is never going to be perfect. I’m not perfect. He hates how I don’t let him do anything around the house. I told him I wanted to take care of the cleaning duties. His job was to spend time with his children. If you ever truly love someone you can get through anything. We have made it thought more in this year then most couples go through in 10 years. Again it was 2020 it was a hell of a year. But that’s what we do, if we have an argument, we have our big talk, say each other is annoying asses and move on to loving each other and apologize after. A relationship is about getting through the hard ***. Not the easy ***. 

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Are you concerned he may lie again? Or are you asking how to "get over" his previous lies?

You are strongly defending the relationship. Is it because the relationship is wonderful or is it because you think you have no options?

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9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

So what do you think you'll do? I mean, after you both deleted social media, you still asked for advice here. So you don't seem sure that everything is fine?

I came in here bc I am asking how do you learn to trust someone after they tell a lie

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Just now, boltnrun said:

Are you concerned he may lie again? Or are you asking how to "get over" his previous lies?

You are strongly defending the relationship. Is it because the relationship is wonderful or is it because you think you have no options?

The relationship is a good one. I’ve never been so sure about some. I came on here to  ask how do you learn to trust someone after they lie? 

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2 minutes ago, SIDIE0101 said:

The relationship is a good one. I’ve never been so sure about some. I came on here to  ask how do you learn to trust someone after they lie? 

It depends on the lie and whether or not what they lied about is a deal breaker.

If messaging other women and commenting on their social media pics are deal breakers for you then the relationship is not the right one for you. If you're going to worry he may do it again and lie about it, this relationship isn't the right one for you.

However, if this is not a deal breaker then you simply tell him lying isn't acceptable and be prepared to leave if you find out he lied again. And then decide you will trust him. It actually is a decision, not something that just happens.

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12 minutes ago, SIDIE0101 said:

I came in here bc I am asking how do you learn to trust someone after they tell a lie

Stop rewarding bad behavior. He's even told you to stop acting like a servant.

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6 minutes ago, SIDIE0101 said:

I came in here bc I am asking how do you learn to trust someone after they tell a lie

Why do you want to? It's not in your best interest.

14 minutes ago, SIDIE0101 said:

A relationship is about getting through the hard ***. Not the easy ***. 

This is your life, and you get to decide what you want in a relationship. But I disagree with what you say here. ^^

A relationship should be a partnership. It's about getting through the hard parts of life together, as a team.

If your relationship is one of the hard parts of life, you're in the wrong relationship. 

There will always be challenges in a relationship, but those challenges should never be disrespect, gas lighting, or lying.

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Girl at the age of 20, there are better things, more self rewarding things to be doing with your life than being someones housekeeper to show your love...that's putting yourself down, it devalues you. Putting him up on a pedestal won't get you any kind of respect or score any points. This is why things are out of balance and he seeks attention from someone else.

We have seen this many times on the boards. You want us to know a way to make this all go away and have your prince charming. Not going to happen. The only way to change behavior is to change your own first. You think by doing everything for him is the way to do things...it not. You have no independence, and when you have no independence, you lose your individuality, which leads to you looking like a nothing. So stop doing all that stuff. Be selfish. Go get your hair done, nails, buy new clothes, spoil yourself with lunches and shopping. If the kids want dinner, he can throw in a pizza in the oven while you go out with your GFs. The house is a little messy, get those kids to clean up after themselves...teach them to be independent. The key thing here is do this for YOU.

Edited by smackie9
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I agree that "doing sooooo much!" for a man doesn't make him love or respect you.  I get that you want to do those things to show your love but then, as you saw, the relationship becomes unbalanced.  And you feel like what you got in exchange for "doing soooooo much" is lies and comments on other womens' pics on social media.  There for everyone to see.

You've set a precedent, but you can dial it back a bit.  Don't be in such a rush to keep the home spotless and to have dinner on the table at a set time.  You may find he and the kids enjoy a less rigidly structured environment.  Relax a bit!  You will find yourself with more time and the biggest bonus is he may start respecting you more.  

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9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Girl at the age of 20, there are better things, more self rewarding things to be doing with your life than being someones housekeeper to show your love...that's putting yourself down, it devalues you. Putting him up on a pedestal won't get you any kind of respect or score any points. This is why things are out of balance and he seeks attention from someone else.

We have seen this many times on the boards. You want us to know a way to make this all go away and have your prince charming. Not going to happen. The only way to change behavior is to change your own first. You think by doing everything for him is the way to do things...it not. You have no independence, and when you have no independence, you lose your individuality, which leads to you looking like a nothing. So stop doing all that stuff. Be selfish. Go get your hair done, nails, buy new clothes, spoil yourself with lunches and shopping. If the kids want dinner, he can throw in a pizza in the oven while you go out with your GFs. The house is a little messy, get those kids to clean up after themselves...teach them to be independent. The key thing here is do this for YOU.

Lol I’m not his “house keeper” clearly no one does things for their loved ones anymore. After working all day he deserves to come to a clean home. So does the children. I don’t put him on a pedestal.  This is the most ridiculous comment I’ve had on here so far. This is sad that you think this. The kids are too small to clean after themselves. This is absolutely ridiculous that you think it should be this way 

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I agree that "doing sooooo much!" for a man doesn't make him love or respect you.  I get that you want to do those things to show your love but then, as you saw, the relationship becomes unbalanced.  And you feel like what you got in exchange for "doing soooooo much" is lies and comments on other womens' pics on social media.  There for everyone to see.

You've set a precedent, but you can dial it back a bit.  Don't be in such a rush to keep the home spotless and to have dinner on the table at a set time.  You may find he and the kids enjoy a less rigidly structured environment.  Relax a bit!  You will find yourself with more time and the biggest bonus is he may start respecting you more.  

I get that. I’m not in a rush to do anything. Clearly people don’t get that you do things for your partner just because you love them not wanting anything in return. 

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You do want a few perfectly reasonable things in return, though: 

2 hours ago, SIDIE0101 said:

Be 100% truthful, be 100% devoted to me, and love me for me!

Make sure that you get this. Don't settle. Keep in mind that he may not be capable (or willing) to give these things to you. If this is the case, give up and move on. I don't know if you've learned this yet, but you can't change what people are, no matter how much you want them or love them.

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6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

You do want a few perfectly reasonable things in return, though: 

Make sure that you get this. Don't settle. Keep in mind that he may not be capable (or willing) to give these things to you. If this is the case, give up and move on. I don't know if you've learned this yet, but you can't change what people are, no matter how much you want them or love them.

Yes I have learned this. He sees all that I do for him. He does. We have talked and are over the whole flirting situation. The issue that I’m having is trusting him again. I want to. I just don’t know how to. That’s the whole point of saying anything on this website. But it’s been blown out of proportion. I have a little of the back story and people are all about the back story rather then what I’ve asked help on 

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1 hour ago, SIDIE0101 said:

I get that. I’m not in a rush to do anything. Clearly people don’t get that you do things for your partner just because you love them not wanting anything in return. 

Didn't you say he offers to do some of the housekeeping and you tell him no?  Why?  You can share the chores.  It doesn't mean you don't love him if you share chores instead of doing them all yourself.

And it becomes a problem if the relationship becomes out of balance.  Again, doing all those things doesn't always engender respect.  It can do the exact opposite.  It's not being transactional but rather ensuring the relationship is on equal footing.

As for how to trust?  I would strongly recommend against policing (checking that woman's social media, for example, or looking in his phone [as other women have done, not necessarily you]) or questioning him.  I promise you will feel much more relaxed about the situation if you make an effort to accept that if he lies or does anything shady again you will find out eventually.

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1 hour ago, SIDIE0101 said:

That’s the whole point of saying anything on this website. But it’s been blown out of proportion. I have a little of the back story and people are all about the back story rather then what I’ve asked help on 

There's nothing you can do about it, so you might as well not worry about it. Remember that whole thing about how you can't change people? People will think what they want to think whether you like it or not. Just focus on getting the advice that you are looking for and tune out the noise.

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3 hours ago, SIDIE0101 said:

. He’s got some issues but a relationship is never going to be perfect. I’m not perfect. He hates how I don’t let him do anything around the house. 

Then why do you keep doing it?

It's not a demonstration of love if you keep doing something that you know he doesn't like. It doesn't make you look loving; it makes you look like you are trying to show him nobody can take your place. It likely doesn't seem that sincere to him, in other words. Not all men are attracted to the home-maker thing. 

As for trusting him, there's really nothing you can do but step back and observe. See what he does of his volition without any prompting from you. Understand that the love your grandparents have may not be what you get with this guy; he's already shown you he doesn't quite possess those values. Let him show you who he really is, even if you don't like what you see. That's the only way you'll ever make an informed choice on whether to continue with him. 

What will you do if he decides he wants to open social media accounts again? Or if you discover he's flirting in other ways? 

 

Edited by MissCanuck
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1 hour ago, SIDIE0101 said:

The issue that I’m having is trusting him again. I want to. I just don’t know how to. That’s the whole point of saying anything on this website. But it’s been blown out of proportion.

Trusting him again is a personal choice, therefore no one can tell you "how to."  Some can, many can't, yet one question you can ask yourself is, how do you see this working in the long term.

Also, keep in mind that past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.

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Could I ask you what culture you're from? I must be honest, I'm confused why you want this relationship and why you want things to be like this. You're being defensive but I just wonder is it a lack of relationship experience or you really do have low self esteem and think you can't do better? You're so young, you're only twenty years old as you keep saying. Why do you actually want to be with a guy who has two kids and take care of them all the time and do everything around the house? You must like children, I get that. But they're not your children so why do you actually want to take on this mother role? Why do you want to just cook and clean and you don't even want your boyfriend to help? You've been living like his housewife and the kids' mother but you've only been together one year. You've rushed into this so quickly.

I'm just confused because even when I was twenty (I'm 36), no way would I want to be with a guy with kids and just cook and clean all the time. I just wanted to live my life, study at university, work, go out with friends, experience dating. That was actually before any social media or apps. Now it seems to me that young people are even less interested in a "husband and wife" relationship and just want to live their life and have fun. I'm honestly just confused why you've put yourself in this situation? If you like children don't you want kids of your own and not just being a step parent?

I know you won't like me saying this but personally I don't think your boyfriend respects you that much and he has a wandering eye. It seems quite extreme that he said let's delete all our social media. In my opinion a person would only say that if they either had no control over their flirtations with other women, or in fact they're still talking to other women behind your back. But they want it to look like you can trust them. "Look, I deleted my social media for you!" Why would a person delete social media though if they can just dedicate themselves to their girlfriend and not flirt with other women? I've been in serious relationships and I have Facebook and Instagram and so did they and it was never an issue. I have nearly 400 people on my Facebook but I don't flirt with anybody so it's not a problem and I'm not going to delete my social media.

I think you're really missing the bigger picture here. Your boyfriend was flirting with another woman and talking to her on Messenger. You told him a few times you don't like it but he still did it. He said to you that he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it and that cheating is only physical. You're missing the forest for the trees. Basically what you're seeing is your boyfriend has a belief, a belief that he can flirt with other women and it's acceptable and he's doing nothing wrong. This actually really upset you but he still did it and the only reason he stopped was because he literally deleted social media. But this is who your boyfriend is and that's what he really thinks.

It's like if I was dating an alcoholic and they said, can they give me their credit card so they don't buy alcohol. So I keep their credit card and because of that they can't buy any alcohol. Does that mean they actually stopped being an alcoholic? No they haven't. The minute that credit card is in their hands, they'll go and buy alcohol. That's because the person actually hasn't changed and still are who they are and think what they think.

I just don't understand why as such a young woman you're going all out for this man, when you can find someone else. Don't be so desperate to be liked and have a guy. I actually think that because you're so eager to please him and do everything for him, he doesn't really respect you. You're trying too hard and he knows he doesn't have to worry how he behaves because you just want him to like you.

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