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My boyfriend making comments to other women


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So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. After we had been dating about 6 months I noticed a female had liked his photo. Knowing that he doesn’t have a lot of friends let alone females, I was curious to see who it was. After clicking on her most recent profile picture, I seen he had commented “beautiful 🌹” I asked him why would he tell another woman she was beautiful while in a relationship? After telling him how hurt I was, I reminded him how my ex cheated on me by starting little flirty comments that turned into more. He said he wouldn’t ever do it again. Now 11 months dating, we were talking one night and I noticed his phone went off and it was messenger. It was a female, I asked him who it was. After 3 times asking he told me it was his friends sister. He had slid up on her fb story and commented cool bar your at. I didn’t think anything of it at first, and after thinking more something didn’t feel right The next day I looked the so called friend up to see the “sister” when I was scrolling through the friends friends list, I seen a woman on there that looked a lot like the woman on the messenger profile pic. I clicked on the picture and clicked on her most recent profile picture. The first comment was his. “Perfection 😍” the girl laughed at the comment. He replied back and said “ why do you think that’s funny? It’s true!” She sent heart eyes back. The next picture she had posted he commented a GIF that was a man sweating. What bothered me the most was that he lied to me who the woman was and he wouldn’t let me see the conversation on messenger. I told him it was disrespectful for him to comment on other women especially after I told him my past. He gaslighted me and said it’s just a comment nothing wrong with that. Nothing was meant by it. I told him that if he meant nothing by it why make the comment? I then asked him, would you have walked up to that woman in person and told her the same comments you made? He said probably not. I then told him then why do it where it can be hidden. He’s yet to apologize for it. We both decided to delete fb. I deleted mine and seen he still had his messenger, I asked him why did he keep messenger? That wasn’t what we both decided.  He deleted messenger later that night but had an attitude the rest of the night. I still can’t get over him lying to me. I get what he was saying about how he believes that cheating is sleeping with another person. He said I sleep with you every night. I told him it was still considered flirting. He didn’t see my view. I still can’t get over the initial lie, he told me he wouldn’t do it again and he did. No to mention lying about who it was. Am I just over reacting? Or am I valid in my feelings? We have been good ever since we deleted Facebook but a part of me still doesn’t fully trust him. 

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Social media is not the problem, your bf is.  He is not to be trusted,  but you already know  that. 

OP, no-one here can tell you how to trust him.  Once trust has been broken, it is (usually) extremely hard to get it back. There will always be doubt. Always. It never really goes away.  It is up to y

Could I ask you what culture you're from? I must be honest, I'm confused why you want this relationship and why you want things to be like this. You're being defensive but I just wonder is it a lack o

Together less than a year and you had him delete FB?  Wow.. over doing it a little, no?

I understand your insecurities, but you really cannot 'control' him this way- can very well lead to resentment. = more issue's

IF you can NOT trust your partner, it simply will not work. ( you admitted you already have insecurity issue's?). - so, you never tried to work on this issue of yours.

Now, onto HIM.... 

Anyone is allowed to 'comment' on friends pictures.. BUT with respect... Fine, she's good looking.. or beautiful.

But, to continue on about it, like 'why you laughing, it's true'..etc.  , No need.

IMO, I feel he's just not overly happy or satisfied , but more needy. ( in need of attention).  Yup, some are.

He should not be lying... nor feel a reason to lie.

If he isn't doing anything wrong - no need to lie.. right?  Also, IF they feel they're being cornered.. harassed, etc- another reason they will lie - to get you off their back..

 

And, what I find sad, is how many times I see partners say how they've been through their gf/bf phone.  This, I do not agree with. ( Is like going thru personal property).

I had 3 or 4 long term relationships, only 1 did I look at, as I was pretty darn sure he was cheating... i only looked once - and i was correct.  But, other than that, I never looked at anyone else's.

Is this a 'normal' thing nowadays?  is this all okay now?

Anyways, I do feel he did not need to goto that extent with this chicklet.. just 'like' a pic is fine.

 

 

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27 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Together less than a year and you had him delete FB?  Wow.. over doing it a little, no?

I understand your insecurities, but you really cannot 'control' him this way- can very well lead to resentment. = more issue's

IF you can NOT trust your partner, it simply will not work. ( you admitted you already have insecurity issue's?). - so, you never tried to work on this issue of yours.

Now, onto HIM.... 

Anyone is allowed to 'comment' on friends pictures.. BUT with respect... Fine, she's good looking.. or beautiful.

But, to continue on about it, like 'why you laughing, it's true'..etc.  , No need.

IMO, I feel he's just not overly happy or satisfied , but more needy. ( in need of attention).  Yup, some are.

He should not be lying... nor feel a reason to lie.

If he isn't doing anything wrong - no need to lie.. right?  Also, IF they feel they're being cornered.. harassed, etc- another reason they will lie - to get you off their back..

 

And, what I find sad, is how many times I see partners say how they've been through their gf/bf phone.  This, I do not agree with. ( Is like going thru personal property).

I had 3 or 4 long term relationships, only 1 did I look at, as I was pretty darn sure he was cheating... i only looked once - and i was correct.  But, other than that, I never looked at anyone else's.

Is this a 'normal' thing nowadays?  is this all okay now?

Anyways, I do feel he did not need to goto that extent with this chicklet.. just 'like' a pic is fine.

 

 

I get what your saying. It’s not that I’m insecure, it’s that the situation was very similar to the one I was in before and he had cheated. But I don’t mind hun liking the photo. Turns out he admitted to do it multiple times. I just don’t understand, why hide behind a phone? If you felt that way about another woman why not say it in person? I f you wouldn’t say it in person? Then y say it behind the phone? It’s just  disrespectful in my opinion. I wouldn’t do that to him. So y do it to me 

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Well if your relationship is only "good" when you've both deleted Facebook, how good is it really? You've been feeling very paranoid and suspicious and stalking all this social media and you forced him to delete Facebook. It shouldn't be like that in a relationship. Obviously you don't trust your boyfriend and I guess it's for a good reason too. Yes he is flirting with that woman and obviously chatting to her on Messenger. And the main part HE THINKS IT'S FINE. So this is where you have the issues. He's not going to change or do anything differently because he's been doing it for months and he thinks as long as he doesn't sleep with that woman, it's fine. There are also types of cheating which doesn't necessarily involve literally having sex with that person. There is flirting, sexting, emotional cheating. 

If he didn't want you to see the conversation on Messenger that means there was something dodgy in that conversation. So it really doesn't sound like he's going to stop what he's doing. He doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong! If you have to resort to controlling him and telling him who to talk to and to delete Facebook, that's not a good relationship. A relationship should be built on trust.

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Deleting FB is completely useless and  a very clear indication that you do not trust this guy and are too controlling. 

Having him delete his social media does nothing to change the underlying conflict of opinion about flirting with women online. That's like taking away a cheater's car keys and hoping that will stop him from cheating on you. It's dumping water on the grass in front a burning house. 

When you're resorting to things like this - regardless of what someone did to you in the past - you're in the wrong relationship. Don't delete FB; get a new boyfriend. 

Sorry, but this relationship is not going to last like this. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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48 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well if your relationship is only "good" when you've both deleted Facebook, how good is it really? You've been feeling very paranoid and suspicious and stalking all this social media and you forced him to delete Facebook. It shouldn't be like that in a relationship. Obviously you don't trust your boyfriend and I guess it's for a good reason too. Yes he is flirting with that woman and obviously chatting to her on Messenger. And the main part HE THINKS IT'S FINE. So this is where you have the issues. He's not going to change or do anything differently because he's been doing it for months and he thinks as long as he doesn't sleep with that woman, it's fine. There are also types of cheating which doesn't necessarily involve literally having sex with that person. There is flirting, sexting, emotional cheating. 

If he didn't want you to see the conversation on Messenger that means there was something dodgy in that conversation. So it really doesn't sound like he's going to stop what he's doing. He doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong! If you have to resort to controlling him and telling him who to talk to and to delete Facebook, that's not a good relationship. A relationship should be built on trust.

Never said I told him to delete fb. It was actually his idea. He told me one day let’s delete all social media and just forget it all. I told him I was down. 

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29 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Deleting FB is completely useless and  a very clear indication that you do not trust this guy and are too controlling. 

Having him delete his social media does nothing to change the underlying conflict of opinion about flirting with women online. That's like taking away a cheater's car keys and hoping that will stop him from cheating on you. It's dumping water on the grass in front a burning house. 

When you're resorting to things like this - regardless of what someone did to you in the past - you're in the wrong relationship. Don't delete FB; get a new boyfriend. 

Sorry, but this relationship is not going to last like this. 

Again, never said I told him to delete fb. Again it was HIS idea to do it. We both seen it as a good idea

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1 minute ago, SIDIE0101 said:

Never said I told him to delete fb. It was actually his idea. He told me one day let’s delete all social media and just forget it all. I told him I was down. 

Well I think that was just a ploy for him to cover up what he's doing because he never deleted messenger? And he's still talking to people on there?

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Just now, Tinydance said:

Well I think that was just a ploy for him to cover up what he's doing because he never deleted messenger? And he's still talking to people on there?

No. He went in and completely deleted it. At first he just deactivated the account and messenger was still allowed to use. But he went back and completely deleted everything 

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3 minutes ago, SIDIE0101 said:

No. He went in and completely deleted it. At first he just deactivated the account and messenger was still allowed to use. But he went back and completely deleted everything 

So what do you think you'll do? I mean, after you both deleted social media, you still asked for advice here. So you don't seem sure that everything is fine?

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10 minutes ago, SIDIE0101 said:

Again, never said I told him to delete fb. Again it was HIS idea to do it. We both seen it as a good idea

Again, FB isn't actually the problem anyway.

Your boyfriend and his vastly different boundaries (from yours) are. He likes flirting with women he thinks are attractive. FB isn't going to change that; it will just change how he does it. 

Can you live with that?

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8 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

So what do you think you'll do? I mean, after you both deleted social media, you still asked for advice here. So you don't seem sure that everything is fine?

I am more concerned with the lying part of the whole situation. 

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3 minutes ago, SIDIE0101 said:

I am more concerned with the lying part of the whole situation. 

Well yes that's understandable. So do you think you'll give your boyfriend another chance or break up?

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7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well yes that's understandable. So do you think you'll give your boyfriend another chance or break up?

Honestly I have no where else to go if I were to break up. We live together 2 hours away from any of my family. I don’t make a lot of money to get a place for myself. I’m only 20 yrs old. He’s 27 and has 2 kids. I’ve been the one stepping up cooking cleaning and being a good role model. EverytIme I do something, him and his kids are my first thoughts. The kids love me, literally if im

not home at my normal time the kids get worried about me and call me from his phone. I can’t just sit here and think of myself I got them 2 to worry about too. Their mom hardly wants anything to do with them and It is heartbreaking ! I grew up a lot how they did. And if it wasn’t for my step mom I wouldn’t have been able to do it 

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6 hours ago, SIDIE0101 said:

, I reminded him how my ex cheated on me by starting little flirty comments that turned into more. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately this isn't going to work out. 

You don't trust him and less than a year dating it's turned into a cat-and-mouse game.

How old is he? Keep in mind that anyone can just hide things better.

How long were you with your ex? How long were you apart before you started dating this man?

It seems you are policing and lecturing him based on your ex.

Eventually you'll grow tired of "reminding" him. You'll grow tired of scanning his social media. You'll grow tired of doing all this instead of having a relationship.

He's not the right guy for you. It's that simple. However you need to calm down and stop beating everyone up for what your ex did.

It may be time to reevaluate the type of men you're getting involved with.

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The real problem here is the fact that your boyfriend is not behaving like a gentleman.  It's not a matter of trust or insecurity on your part. 

A good man knows how to behave properly even when no one is looking over his shoulder.  A good man doesn't flirt if he has a girlfriend, fiancee or wife because love is loyalty and devotion exclusively for you because you've earned and deserve this special status in his life. 

You need to be with a man who knows how to respect you with all sincerity especially when your back is turned. 

Your current boyfriend lacks integrity and morals.  You can't change your boyfriend.  He is who he is.  He has an unsavory side to his character.  Either accept the way he is or find a man who treats you honorably and like a lady.  

Never lose sight of the principle of the matter. 

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I will go against the grain here:

After clicking on her most recent profile picture, I seen he had commented “beautiful 🌹” I asked him why would he tell another woman she was beautiful while in a relationship? After telling him how hurt I was, I reminded him how my ex cheated on me by starting little flirty comments that turned into more. He said he wouldn’t ever do it again.

 

If I were the boyfriend I would dump someone who’s like this for two reasons: Telling someone is “beautiful” is complimenting, not flirting. There are tons of women out there who will be prettier than you (and me). And men (single, dating, engaged or married) are going to LOOK. Does that greatly bother you? Then it’s your insecurity that’s the problem. And two... comparing your EX to your current boyfriend is a NASTY blow. You didn’t handle the first instance very well and it cost your boyfriend’s trust.

His “perfection” comment and follow up comment though was out of line. Saying someone is beautiful, fine... “Perfection,” crosses the line and makes you feel very unattractive to him. That was a really stupid comment to say while in a relationship. Unfortunately his behavior (lying) is a result of how overreactive you were on a small, innocent comment. Since you all now have mistrust issues, do not be surprised that this relationship will end because he will eventually resent you being “controlling” or “insecure” (even if he decided to deactivate his social media accounts on). But seriously, I wouldn’t hold the first instance against him.

Personally I would apologize for overreacting to the compliment comment if I were you. And he should sincerely apologize for the perfection comment. That’s the only way to get past this and move on. 

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3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

The real problem here is the fact that your boyfriend is not behaving like a gentleman.  It's not a matter of trust or insecurity on your part. 

A good man knows how to behave properly even when no one is looking over his shoulder.  A good man doesn't flirt if he has a girlfriend, fiancee or wife because love is loyalty and devotion exclusively for you because you've earned and deserve this special status in his life. 

You need to be with a man who knows how to respect you with all sincerity especially when your back is turned. 

Your current boyfriend lacks integrity and morals.  You can't change your boyfriend.  He is who he is.  He has an unsavory side to his character.  Either accept the way he is or find a man who treats you honorably and like a lady.  

Never lose sight of the principle of the matter. 

I have to say I agree with you the most

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12 hours ago, SIDIE0101 said:

I told him it was disrespectful for him to comment on other women especially after I told him my past. He gaslighted me and said it’s just a comment nothing wrong with that. Nothing was meant by it. I told him that if he meant nothing by it why make the comment? I then asked him, would you have walked up to that woman in person and told her the same comments you made? He said probably not. I then told him then why do it where it can be hidden. He’s yet to apologize for it. We both decided to delete fb. I deleted mine and seen he still had his messenger, I asked him why did he keep messenger? That wasn’t what we both decided.  He deleted messenger later that night but had an attitude the rest of the night. I still can’t get over him lying to me.

I happen to agree with you. But deleting his facebook isn't going to stop the lying and disrespect. Nothing will. You need to delete this relationship. 

Edited by Jibralta
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I completely agree with Snny.

If my partner questioned me because of a simple compliment on Facebook, I would not make that my problem. And then if a partner told me “well me ex did this too and they cheated so....” that would definitely be the end of the relationship. I am not your ex, and it’s insulting that you think I can’t handle the responsibility of having a Facebook account without cheating.

However, your boyfriend has shown behavior that is just as toxic as yours when he suggested deleting Facebook. If you can’t trust your partner to have a Facebook account, how on Earth are you going to trust them as a life partner.

You didn’t state your age, but I’m guessing 23 or younger. This is something you learn as you experience partners who make you feel secure. So either you haven’t experienced a guy who makes you feel safe, or you still have some growing up to do (which is not a bad thing!! but it’s YOUR issue, not your boyfriend’s).

ETA: You’ve got to give up the mindset that boyfriend owes you anything related to your past. You referenced it in most of your comments here. If you continue bringing that into your relationship, I assure you, you will destroy the relationship. Your problems with your ex are in the past, and those scars are yours to heal from. Either you want to move past those issues or you don’t.

Edited by indea08
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2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I happen to agree with you. But deleting his facebook isn't going to stop the lying and disrespect. Nothing will. You need to delete this relationship. 

Again HE was the one who decided we both delete our facebooks. HE NOT I 

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2 minutes ago, SIDIE0101 said:

Again HE was the one who decided we both delete our facebooks. HE NOT I 

It doesn't matter whose decision it was. It's not a solution to his lying or going behind your back.

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8 hours ago, SIDIE0101 said:

Never said I told him to delete fb. It was actually his idea. He told me one day let’s delete all social media and just forget it all. I told him I was down. 

Honestly this may be his way of controlling how much YOU see. 

He may have started up a new facebook, and now without you on it, he doesn't have to, "deal," with your, "drama," anymore when he flirts with random women online!

I'd be out of there so fast...  He is just plain untrustworthy!

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6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It doesn't matter whose decision it was. It's not a solution to his lying or going behind your back.

I get that too I’m not saying it’s right. But everyone is saying that “I made him” I didn’t make him do anything. He’s apologized for it. I got to either decide to forgive and move on or not. 

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