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Confused and lost, both of us


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Hi all!  33 / M here.  My ex wife and I were married for 2 years, from 2016-2018, we have been divorced since early 2018.  She has been remarried since and her marriage is falling apart and they are seperated, he is always dragging her down and she can't handle his kids and he doesn't seem to care.  We have been communicating ever since but in the recent weeks we have gotten closer.  We have seen each other a few times, kissed and she does miss me but isn't ready for a relationship, she said she misses my touch, my kisses, etc..  Where the wrench is thrown into the story is there is a guy that she has been talking to from out of state, and she is going there for a few days next week to get away.  She has had alot going on in the last few weeks and she just can't take any more.  She is talking to him like we used to, and yes I admit, there is a little jealousy.  I truly want us back and see if we could make it work.  She doesn't know what she wants and she doesn't know if she wants to commit to and us again but she is unsure, she is very confused and doesn't know where anything is going to go.

I love this girl with all of my heart and soul, she is after all, the girl I wanted to marry.  There have been a few short lasting dates since, but nothing stuck.  I don't (and I don't think I can) feel with them what I have felt with her.  She is always on my mind.  What can I do, to where I don't overdo it with her, to where I could start paving that good road if it's meant for us to be together?  I feel like I have screwed it up so far.  I have told her how much I do miss her, the "IF WE DO GET BACK.." messages....all that.  I am there for her, but we hardly talk most days.  I want her attention like this other guy has, or I feel I will be tossed aside.  I feel like it could be possible if I play my cards right, so how do I do that?

Sorry if I sound pathetic and totally in for this girl..I am.  I have never felt a love or longing as I feel with her.  It is still there for her as well but she is just confused and unsure at this point.  

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So she has a husband and two boyfriends on the side?  

This does not sound like a quality woman.  IMO she doesn't sound "confused", she sounds selfish and uncaring about the damage she does to others.

I presume you'll defend her.  But keep in mind, if you do somehow manage to convince her to ditch the two other men and be with you, she will be contacting her ex husband and the other man (and who knows how many others) behind your back.

"But I LOVE her!!" doesn't make her behavior any better or less selfish.

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2 hours ago, Craig said:

we have been divorced since early 2018. 

I love this girl with all of my heart and soul, she is after all, the girl I wanted to marry.

- Okay, so why did it end?

Of what caused your marriage to fail, is anything changed?  Issue's cleared up?

2 hours ago, Craig said:

There have been a few short lasting dates since, but nothing stuck. 

- You dating?  Why? .. By sounds of you are chasing  HER.. your ex ~>>.. Omg. slow down!

 

2 hours ago, Craig said:

What can I do, to where I don't overdo it with her, to where I could start paving that good road if it's meant for us to be together?

WHY do you think this is going to happen... seriously..  😞 

 I feel like I have screwed it up so far.  I have told her how much I do miss her, the "IF WE DO GET BACK.." messages....all that.  I am there for her, but we hardly talk most days.  I want her attention like this other guy has, or I feel I will be tossed aside. 

- Okay- no offence, but you feel very LOST.  Sounds like you are almost 'begging' for her attention- and this kinda sets a bad taste - needy, etc.  So, just stop!

- You feel you will be tossed aside?  who said you were anything more than anyone else in her life atm?

 

 

 

2 hours ago, Craig said:

She has been remarried since and her marriage is falling apart and they are seperated, he is always dragging her down and she can't handle his kids and he doesn't seem to care

- SHE's been married again, since you two split back in 2018??

2 hours ago, Craig said:

We have seen each other a few times, kissed and she does miss me but isn't ready for a relationship, she said she misses my touch, my kisses, etc..  Where the wrench is thrown into the story is there is a guy that she has been talking to from out of state, and she is going there for a few days next week to get away.

AND, you two have 'kissed''... AND she has her eyes on someone else AND is going to see them?  Whoaaa!!

2 hours ago, Craig said:

She is talking to him like we used to, and yes I admit, there is a little jealousy.  I truly want us back and see if we could make it work

Sorry - she is so far from READY to deal with anyone...

How about you have another look at all you have explained here... Tell my WHO, in their right mind- would be 'okay' to run into ANOTHER relationship?  - Seriously!  and YOU wonder why.. 'She isn't ready for another relationship'...

2 hours ago, Craig said:

She doesn't know what she wants and she doesn't know if she wants to commit to and us again but she is unsure, she is very confused and doesn't know where anything is going to go.

- Exactly.

She's lost... she is so all over... none of this is good.. and YOU are probably the last thing she needs now.

1) You (her ex) is practically begging for her back

2) She is getting out of another marriage.

3) She is showing interest in another man... and planning to go see him for a bit?

 

You two split for reasons... I doubt much has improved between the 2 of you.

Just how much interest do you really think she has in you?  She  got remarried - is still married.. leaving that relationship, and has been dealing with you lately AND another new guy....

Come on... sit back.. take a really good look!

I am sorry.. but I feel YOU are lost in your cloud.  No one can be 'on level ground' and 'able' to give to someone else when they are this messed up.

I am pretty sure whatever you are wanting, you will not get.  She's got a lot to deal with....

I suggest you back off this.. totally - because how I see this- will become another BIG mess.. and YOU will be messed around again!  - Is this what you want?  Do you want to fall further into despair?  😞 

 

How about you just keep moving along.  Expect nothing from her.. but take care of yourself.

Get your own life going again... (and work on accepting what is and healing).

 

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It's not a good idea to set your hopes on someone who's confused, OP. Keep things simple. Back away and let the fondness/affection you used to feel for her linger. It's not unnatural for old feelings to linger especially if you've married someone. Let it go. You may be confusing your emotions for something else also and seeing a future when there is none. Whatever you are feeling it's not wise acting on it with this much going on. 

Let it go and don't seek any trouble with her. This is all kinds of trouble and heartache and issues. 

What's else is going on with you? Were you seeing anyone in that time since you were divorced? 

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She sounds like a woman all over the place, monkey-branching from one guy to the other.  She is NOT good relationship material, not at this point anyway (imo). You would do well to steer clear for a good while.  She needs to get her head together and until that happens, back off .... waaaay off.

Also, keep reminding yourself that your marriage to her failed for a reason.  You got divorced for a good reason.  Don't go back there. Unless you're up for more hurt and heartache. 

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

MO she doesn't sound "confused", she sounds selfish and uncaring about the damage she does to others.

right... selfish.... and the worst thing to do, is lead someone on- to nothing 😞 

Definitely, issue's here.

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So many questions to ask here. You two were divorced in 2018 and what have you done to move forward? It seems to me you have put your life on hold for this woman who... dated and married a man in the very same year you two got a divorce. Is talking to another man, still married and then has you grabbing onto her leg like a dog. Why do you want this one woman so badly? Dont tell me its about feeling because she was probably seeing this guy during your marriage. Is she the prettiest woman you have been with? Was the sex that good? Im sure its nothing to how she makes you feel but more how you feel when you are with her. Like your Ego feels better. 

You are also so very blind to what is the situation. So let me see if I can help you. Im going to guess you two met right after she broke up with someone else. Then you two dated, got married and after two years, she probably sabotaged the relationship only go immediately move on to another relationship, then after another two years, she probably sabotaged this one so she can go on to the arms of another man. (Remember she is telling you a side of the story that she wants you to see) and now she is already moving on with another guy who lives in another state. But you dont see that this is an issue because you want to see only the good. Here is what is going on. She doesnt want you. She knows that you are available, she knows that you want her, she knows you put your life on hold for her and yet, she is still planning to see this other guy. That alone should tell you she does not see you as a partner. What you are right now is a wonderful and safe back up plan. She knows youll be there for her, will do anything for her, you wont hurt her, youll do whatever she wants for her and you are the last option because you will make sure she has a roof over her head and food in her tummy. And the best part is, she doesnt even have to work for you. You have already opened up your place to her. Im sure you have told her "if you ever need a place to stay, you can stay with me". Im 99.45% sure you have said that. 

I know the majority of people here is going to say leave her alone, she is lost, she doenst know what she wants, just leave her be. But in your selfishness and your desire to snatch her up quickly before anyone else does, you wont let her go. So Im going to give you some advice.. Let her go. I know it sounds counter productive, I know you figure if you are in her mind, she will eventually pick you. She knows you are out there, she knows how to get a hold of you. The more available you are, the less desire for you she will have. If she is to miss you, she has to see a life without you, meaning you have to get on with your life and if she wants to be a part of it, she knows how to find you. 

The choice is yours.. good luck to you. 

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11 hours ago, Craig said:

, we have been divorced since early 2018.,  she can't handle his kids and he doesn't seem to care.  

It seems like you are lonely and just want to be needed.

She's simply backtracking because again, she can't seem to be happily married.

Why did you divorce after only 2 years?

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