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Staying friends with a Narcissist because your Spouse is Friends with Theirs?


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Yes. She always tells me she loves me, and I don't say it back, cuz I don't. I have really solid great friends multiple decades old.  Just not within 40 miles of me, and about 98% without kids. Both the distance and no kids does make a difference when you can't just go hang out on a whim.  And I don't mean like now during COVID - just been this way since having my 1st since they are top priority.   I have made friends, including her since then, and do have a fun time when we are in a group; I am just starting to see how swallow she is, and that we don't have similar mindsets.  

I also think her hub's weight loss comment to me set her off, so it was full-on BS garage from her that night.  Sure, she says dumb-arse things on the regular, but pretty much, like our other buddy who took time off from her too.  Like maybe, I just need to lower the bar on expecting her to be normal. Cuz sometimes, it can be okay to have that narcissist friend to have happy hour with, and keep it light. And just have boundaries.

I think I just need to not be so concerned or stress about her invites.  I get she's lonely and bored too, and it's just her one kid and her hubs.  But, I am also seeing her ladies night get-togethers are set-ups to get validation with her hair, nails, weight, how she looks for her age.  Ugh, I am 100% the opposite of this.  It's so boring when she starts talking about needing to lose 5 lbs.

 

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2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Yes. She always tells me she loves me, and I don't say it back, cuz I don't. I have really solid great friends multiple decades old.  Just not within 40 miles of me, and about 98% without kids. Both the distance and no kids does make a difference when you can't just go hang out on a whim.  And I don't mean like now during COVID - just been this way since having my 1st since they are top priority.   I have made friends, including her since then, and do have a fun time when we are in a group; I am just starting to see how swallow she is, and that we don't have similar mindsets.  

I also think her hub's weight loss comment to me set her off, so it was full-on BS garage from her that night.  Sure, she says dumb-arse things on the regular, but pretty much, like our other buddy who took time off from her too.  Like maybe, I just need to lower the bar on expecting her to be normal. Cuz sometimes, it can be okay to have that narcissist friend to have happy hour with, and keep it light. And just have boundaries.

I think I just need to not be so concerned or stress about her invites.  I get she's lonely and bored too, and it's just her one kid and her hubs.  But, I am also seeing her ladies night get-togethers are set-ups to get validation with her hair, nails, weight, how she looks for her age.  Ugh, I am 100% the opposite of this.  It's so boring when she starts talking about needing to lose 5 lbs.

 

Honesty, I don't understand why you would choose to expose yourself to this,  ("lowering the bar"),  but it is your life.  

Edited by Hollyj
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2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

So I have a "friend" that I'm come to realize is a super insecure and a negative Narcissist.  Normally, I can totally kick it with anyone, and have with her for two years now, but many times in larger groups with both men, women, and our kids.  On the surface she can appear very caring and generous, but if it's just the girls, she will try to go on how anything good in your life is not good enough for her, whether an activity, place to live (she constantly disses where I was born and raised, and where we all live now, but that can take up its own paragraph.), how her one kid is so much better, and loves him more than I love my kids, you get the point - full on Narcissist.  And she never remembers anything you tell her.  She's fun (sort of) at the parties she throws, but with the pandemic, she's been insisting on just girls.  Even though she makes her husband do all the cooking, but he can't have any friends over.

So three weeks ago, she was going on and on in front of us ladies about how our area sucks, and how my husband just knocked and walked into her home, and she was wearing booty shorts and no bra, and how furious she was, and something is wrong with him.  What she fails to mention is that she was completely covered by a blanket, and her husband told mine to come in.  I started to realize she is always dissing my husband in front of everyone.  Normally, I can overlook her constant, constant weight shame where she obsessively talks about losing the 5 pounds she has to lose with her BMI of 18, and how she can't watch a movie with ugly people in it, but comments about my hubs that are completely untrue was the last straw for me for "ladies night" at her home.

So two weeks ago, she invited me over, and I said I was busy.  This morning, she is inviting me over, and I have yet to text back.

Normally, I have zero issues writing people like this off.  And it took me a while to get how negative she was because I've never made a habit of making friends with people like this.  But my husband is good buddies with her husband, who is very normal and cool.  He tends to avoid her by pretending to be stoned...that's another paragraph.

I already told my hubs 3 weeks ago, I was done going over there, unless it was both guys and gals, since she tends to act a bit more normal.  My question is, should I take one for the team, and keep the peace? Ugh, I already know I don't want to.  But my hubs and I don't have too many local, easily accessible buddies.  The pandemic doesn't seem to bother her either, like she can't just not wanna hang out.  I wore a mask last time.  

My only other excuse is that I'm social distancing for Chinese New Year, so I can spend it with my folks.

What do you think? It's been out of my head for two weeks now, but her text makes me wonder - should I stay the course? I don't want hubs losing his buddy. I know she tries to isolate him, but trust me, I'm not interested in blowing anything up with a Narcissist, but she would never see herself as one, so it's not about talking it out - it's strategizing.

Our mutual buddy who was also there that night, also went home super upset that night because of the issue with her talking about how crappy it is where we live, and how our Buddy wasn't well-traveled, which is completely untrue.  The next day, this Buddy admitted she took a long time out because of her strong personality.

Adjust and adapt if you need her for your son's sake and for emergencies. 

I have certain people in my life whom I need.  However, I don't completely admire nor respect them due to various character defects, flaws, foibles and shortcomings.  I handle them by remaining kind, respectful, well mannered yet politely distant.  I'm this way with certain relatives, in-laws and friends. 

I decline some invitations and I'm not always readily available.  I march to the beat of my own drum.

Nonetheless,  your  husband should be your staunchest ally and drift apart from his friend.  He needs to be on your team, supportive, value human decency and be in lockstep with you. 

If it were me, I would not send my husband off to be with his friend while his wife displays unacceptable, obnoxiously rude behavior.  I wouldn't want my sons to associate with their friend's weird mother. 

People are package deals.  You have to take the good with the bad if you can't afford to get rid of them from your life.  You have the right to enforce healthy boundaries with people whom you do not like.  You have to be patient and tolerant when you're together with people who are unkind in order to reap benefits from them such as in your case,  your son having friends and for your friend to bail you out in the event of an emergency. 

I have to engage in the "delicate dance" with certain people in my life.  My husband, sons and I benefit monetarily from my extremely generous in-laws whom I'm never excited to be with.   I endure our times together because I know they're financially rewarding.  My sister and mother have unsavory personality and character traits plus I hold onto grudges.  My sons enjoy traditional holidays and special occasions with their cousins during random times throughout the year whether in homes or at restaurants pre-pandemic.  I despise my obnoxiously inappropriate and rude BIL (brother-in-law - sister's husband.)  In order to make my sons happy, I grin and bear it for several hours and then we get to go home.  I get the torture over and done with.  I always keep the peace.  I take the higher road and behave with grace and class.  If I can do it, so can you.

With my local relatives and in-laws, I hadn't seen them since December 2019.  It's been great.  I feel very bad about COVID-19.  However, this pandemic has given me wonderful excuses to conveniently and easily decline their invitations and NOT to socially gather much to my delight and relief.  I've been spared huge holiday cooking marathons for 50+ guests at my sister and MIL (mother-in-law)'s houses.  They invite friends and family whom I couldn't care less about.  It's less work for me and I feel giddy.

As you get older, it's not that difficult to find friends.  You have to put yourself out there, volunteer, do charitable work, community service, become a church member (if you are faith based), join a sports group and reach out to others.  You have to start somewhere.  People won't come to you.  You  have to go to them and where they are.  However, during this pandemic, it will be more challenging.  If you have to take the virtual route, then so be it.   

It sounds to me, your friend is truly intolerable.  I'd politely decline, drift apart and fade away.  Establish new friendships.  Ask neighbors to help you during emergencies.  How's your relationship with your relatives and in-laws?  Do they reside locally?  I'd cut out the stress if I were you.   Eliminate toxic, dysfunctional, mentally ill people from your life.   Protect yourself and your family, too.

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Every minute you spend listening to her put you and your friends down is a minute you can’t spend putting in the time to get out there in the world (as much as you can covid safely) with the objective of talking to as many new people as possible. Some of those people you talk to might even be friends you haven’t met yet. Wouldn’t have let, if you were still stuck at girls night listening to this person put down everything you love.

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Well, the way I see it, her and her husband's marriage is their own choice and their business and you can't really do anything about that. I mean if the husband married her in the first place and continues to be married to her, he probably wants to be married to her. It's not necessarily that he's being completely abused and isolated by her. Some people actually legitimately like to be in a relationship with someone with a strong and dominant personality because they're more meek themselves. In any case, why he's into her and does everything the wife wants is his choice really. So I think don't cause yourself unnecessary stress being concerned about their marriage or her talking about weight loss and shallow topics. At the end of the day her commenting about weight loss and dieting is up to her.

However having said that, I agree with you that she doesn't sound like a nice person at all and no way would she be my cup of tea either. The fact that she makes judgemental and unwarranted comments actually about you, your husband and your kids is unacceptable. If she "loves you" and wants to be close friends then why is she bad mouthing you, your family and your life? That's not how real friends act. Plus that level of shallowness would get to me too. She can't watch ugly people on TV? What?! Honestly she sounds to me a bit like someone who would even have friends for shallow reasons, like if the friends were attractive and she wanted to be seen with them out in public. 

This is just my opinion but I think friendships should be a choice and not an obligation. Of course you can be polite and friendly to people you don't like, but that doesn't actually mean you have to be friends with them. So is your son friends with her kids? I definitely don't think you should be friends with her just because of your children. They can also meet other friends and one day they'll graduate school too. They might not even be friends with her kids anymore. I'm not really friends with anyone from school. All the friendships just fizzled after school ended. 

Regarding your husband, seeing as this seems to be a "girls club" and "boys club", shouldn't that make it easier for you just to leave the guys to it? Just let the men have their own friendship by themselves. You actually don't owe this woman friendship just because your husbands are friends. Also your husbands obviously made a genuine connection and just clicked. Whereas you are actually having to force yourself to be friends with this woman because on your end there's no natural click.

I would recommend doing slow fade. Just keep making up reasons why you can't come over but be polite otherwise. Hopefully she'll start getting the point. If she has other friends then she can still keep inviting them over and spending time with them. It's not like you're literally her only friend and without you she'll be all alone. She has a husband, friends and kids. Why do you have to feel guilty if she can't have you? She's a grown woman and I'm sure she'll get over it.

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8 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

bsessively talks about losing the 5 pounds she has to lose with her BMI of 18, and how she can't watch a movie with ugly people in it, but comments about my hubs that are completely untrue was the last straw for me for "ladies night" at her home.

WOW!!!!  😲  She belongs in some horrible movie or something!  It sounds too awful to be true!!!

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8 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

She's even tried to convince me that my eldest son has anger issues because he didn't want to confide in her last month (whatever - yes, my 8 year child has zero interest in confiding with a grown arse woman he doesn't fully know), and told other moms this. 

Talking about your son that way, wow, that would get to me.  And then telling other parents about your child (falsehoods about your child?!?!).  

That is not good!

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Do the women in your area not get covid?  I'm baffled why she only has women visit due to the pandemic!  As far as I know, both men and women get it.  Also, you should not be getting together with her or anyone else, due to covid!

You dont want to be bothered with her. I get that, she sounds awful.  So say no. Your husband can visit, I doubt he will lose his male friend. because you choose not to go to their house.  No need to take one for the team.  

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9 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Honesty, I don't understand why you would choose to expose yourself to this,  ("lowering the bar"),  but it is your life.  

Agree. It's unclear why you want to hang out with a careless super spreader.

It's also unclear why you are so jealous and bitter, yet make fake nice to her.

Can't you just be cordial yet logical about the safety of you and your family? You believe in covid, right?

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I would be kind whenever our paths cross for other reasons or when husband books 'us' with his friend. Otherwise, there's no way that I'd deal with her, AND I wouldn't offer an excuse. "No, that doesn't work for me, but thanks for the invite..." is all she'd get from me. Every. Time.

If she ever tries to bully me about it when I see her, I'd just be frank, "I didn't enjoy our last experience together, and I see no reason to do it again." If she presses, I'd respond, "That's all I intend to say on the subject. So how is [kid's name] doing these days?"

Edited by catfeeder
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mmmm not your problem. If your husband is ok hanging out with her husband then fine, anything you do or don't do shouldn't affect this. You do not have to be her friend period. You owe her nothing. Sure lie to her that you can't make it. Whatever works.

Everyone knows what she is and what she is like...you don't have to worry about what others think when you don't show up or what she says to them... they KNOW how nuts she is.

Edited by smackie9
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Can you start setting some boundaries? - stop explaining yourself,  your actions,  your family, providing excuses?

Text her back that you can't make it. wish her a good day but don't give a reason. 

At times I have felt people did not respect my time or boundaries. And I just decided, I'm allowed to do what I choose to do. I'm not rude about it... but I do reply to a text - "hi. I can't text right now" or I let a call go to voice mail and if it takes me a while to call back or I don't call back, then they can just live with it. If it's important and they leave a dire message or something, I will get back to them.  but honestly, the people that I treat this way. I'm pushing away. As to fade away. 

Some people get it right away and stop calling me. Some don't and I really don't care. 

She sounds like a real winner.  And she may challenge you.  If you want to keep the peace for the hubs sake,  you may have to keep it light and say something passive aggressive back to her like "hey mom didn't know I was breaking your curfew. " Don't let people bully you into submission. Give them some light snark back but don't be mad about it... show the ridiculousness of it....  it's completely obvious that you don't answer to her. you are your own person that owes her nothing. 

Don't answer her call every time.  blow her off a bit. push her away. stop playing someone else's game.  flip the script and laugh her off. 

 

 

Edited by Lambert
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