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I find myself lost at the idea of being alone for the rest of my life


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I lost my bf too. 2 1/2 years ago and i feel obligated to let people that im interested in know up front so they can decide. The dating app i use still gets hits with a picture of us and explaining how i am a widow etc. but i know its just not going to get serious. I find myself lost at the idea of being alone for the rest of my life or getting to know someone telling them and then they bounce right out of my life.

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Heather I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the grief that you have been through. BUT now it's time to take that picture down and go forward as a new single looking for love person. They bounce out of your life because 3 is a crowd. No one is telling you to forget him. The key thing here is your happiness, and the only way to do that is to tuck him away without feeling guilt. I know all about guilt after such a loss, it's hangs on up like an anchor. This grief/guilt is what is scaring them off. Don't let your BF's death define who you are because right now, that's what you are bringing to the table to these potential suitors. You are not obligated to talk to them about it. You can mention it sure, then move forward with positive, hope for the future, new things, hobbies, interests funny stories...be upbeat in your dialog/mood, etc. Redo your profile, put up new photos of yourself smiling, happy...refresh everything in your life by hitting the reset button.

Edited by smackie9
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Have you looked into grief counseling? You may be holding on to a time in your life that you're trying to replicate but not truly able to move on because you haven't let go or made peace with his passing. I'm very sorry. Just know that you're not alone. 

If you decide to join a dating app again, avoid putting a photo of any past relationships on there. This is for your own safety and staying street smart. People will use that any way they can by appealing to your loss or your emotional state. Talk to someone about your emotions. Take a break from dating and see where life takes you from there. 

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On 1/22/2021 at 2:18 AM, Heather said:

. The dating app i use still gets hits with a picture of us and explaining how i am a widow etc. 

Please don't do this. Dating apps are not bereavement support groups.

You need to be alone for a while. "Getting hits" means you are inviting the worst kind of weirdos.

No one decent would respond to this plea to fill a dead person's shoes.

What did he die of? You say it was sudden. Was it an overdose or suicide?

 The manner of death has a huge impact on the grieving process. 

Unfortunately, you could use some help. Immediately take his image off dating sites. Imagine how hurtful and rude that is to his family.

Don't use pity as a dating angle.

 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Your behavior is self sabotaging. I do remember two different men on OLD who were widows, and one's entire profile basically gave the message that nobody would live up to his expectations after his wife died. The other man I spoke to on the phone basically told a story whereas it'd be the same issue. There's also a play and a movie, biographical, by Neil Simon called Chapter Two. Although the story has a happy ending, in real life, his marriage to the actress Marsha Mason, who also starred in the movie, didn't survive.

People do eventually like to get a general idea of a date's past relationship history, but being brief is the way to go. And projecting to the future of whether or not a person will stick around should be avoided. The person can feel your angst and that's not enjoyable. Try to have a mindset that your goal is to enjoy a delicious cup of coffee and good conversation with someone new. Enjoying a new person's company for an hour, and finding out interesting things about him. Keep the topics light. Does he have pets? Does he like where he works? Has he always lived in the town where you two reside?

You'll always love your bf, and that's okay. Just as you can love more than one child, your heart has room to love a new partner as well. Keep talk of your deceased bf to close family and friends when you want to honor his memory. Your new partner will understand you still love that man, but he likely won't want to hear about it. Take care.

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I do not think you should be dating.  Clearly you are not ready if you feel you have to mention that your bf passed upfront.    Either you will attract co dependent guys or push people away.   Keep it light, and if you meet someone you like, it will naturally come up.  Like Wisey stated, this should not come off as bereavement support.  When you are ready, you should have a picture of you, only.

 How long did you date?

Edited by Hollyj
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