Actions vs Words

[Pushingrope]

We've all heard the 'actions speak louder than words'... And they do. We tend to remember how people made us feel, not so much what they said. 

In my case, my fiancé vocalizes his desire to be with me, get married, wants me here with him, all that jazz. 

But what he DOES... Speaks quite loudly to the contrary. 

Which do I believe? His actions or his words?

[SooSad33]

What is it he 'does'?

How long have you been together? ( I will assume, him being your fiance he does want you  there with him?) 

[Pushingrope]

@SooSad33

The list is long and strange. He kicks me out of the house about once a month on average... He ignores every single text and phone call I ever make to him. He calls me mean names and puts me down whenever he is in a mood. Blames me for literally every single wrong thing that ever happens... this list could go on and on. And not all the time... But enough of the time. 

We've been together for 4 years. 

He SAYS he does... But truly acts like he doesn't. 

[HeartGoesOn]

Speaking for myself only, words can be cheap, while actions show a much more detailed story.  On a lighter note, your intuition can speak volumes.

[SooSad33]

7 minutes ago, Pushingrope said:

The list is long and strange. He kicks me out of the house about once a month on average... He ignores every single text and phone call I ever make to him. He calls me mean names and puts me down whenever he is in a mood. Blames me for literally every single wrong thing that ever happens... this list could go on

alright... this is crap!  😞  .. He's nasty!

You do NOT keep kicking your fiance out!

Not sure why he ignores all your calls/ msg's?  Inconsiderate?  I can see not reacting to some, for whatever reason... but c'mon.

His insults towards you is a form of abuse (mental/verbal).

None of this you need to take..right?  Then just get out of there.... I would not want to carry on something like this.

[Cherylyn]

I believe actions speak louder than words.  I have some relatives and acquaintance type friends who always blow hot air by telling me if I need anything, just ask.  Well, a lot of times you shouldn't have to ask.  Just do. 

There are a lot of so-called "nice people" in this world.  However, I've known "nice people" to gaslight, lie, betray and deceive me whenever it was convenient for them. 

As for you, cancel the wedding and / or marriage.  Your marriage will be made in hell should you marry him.  He'll give you a worse life than you have now with him.  Your fiance is a bad apple and you need to dump him! 

[Lambert]

Honestly from what you described, you are being abused.  Emotionally abused to feed whatever it is in him that enjoys having you as a scapegoat.

If you stay with him and this form of love, this is your life and it won't just be you that is abused.  

Is this how you would want your children raised? they learn to be abused or learn to abuse. 

You're in a very dangerous situation that, if you don't change it will set the course for your life. 

Why do you stay with him? Can you afford to move out? do you have family or friends? do they know you are being treated this way? 

[Capricorn3]

4 hours ago, Pushingrope said:

The list is long and strange. He kicks me out of the house about once a month on average... He ignores every single text and phone call I ever make to him. He calls me mean names and puts me down whenever he is in a mood. Blames me for literally every single wrong thing that ever happens... this list could go on and on. And not all the time... But enough of the time. 

 

I can say only one thing.  BELIEVE HIS ACTIONS. Whatever you do, do NOT marry  this ..... person. To me, this is abusive behaviour and it won't change.  You have enough red flags for long enough.  You should take heed.  It's hard to understand why you stay.

 Call off the wedding and give him his ring back.  The sooner the better.

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, Pushingrope said:

The list is long and strange. He kicks me out of the house about once a month on average... He ignores every single text and phone call I ever make to him. He calls me mean names and puts me down whenever he is in a mood. Blames me for literally every single wrong thing that ever happens...

Long and strange?? How about long and ABUSIVE! 

Yeah, I'd say believe his actions, not his words.

Saying "I love you, I want to marry you" doesn't make up for anything. Talk is cheap and easy. 

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you know what is going on. So it's up to you to decide what to do about it.

[tattoobunnie]

Stop eating all his poop, just to get to the one M&M.

Let me ask you why you think love is all you need?  It's not for a solid partnerhship. You need respect, consideration, kindness, care, and commitment. 

And this guy does not love you.  You don't treat people you love like the way he treats you. Marriage will not change him - his behavior will only be ten times worse.

[Hollyj]

I would wonder why you would choose all of this? Why do you do this to yourself?   Have all of your bfs been abusive?

 

He does not love, like, or respect you!

[Rose Mosse]

Extended commitment like marriage in an abusive situation can be manipulative especially if the perpetrator or person doing the abusing knows they're wrong. It's a way for him to keep you in control. You need to think very carefully about your own wellbeing and the future of your children if you're looking at having kids or a family. Your life is in your hands. 

I strongly suggest you seek counseling (personal counseling) and get to the root of why he may have a hold over you. He may be saying things to keep you in control and under his thumb, mentioning marriage or commitment because he knows that this is what you want (white picket fence, kids and the whole nine yards?). 

Look again at ideals or concepts you have about marriage overall and what commitment means long term. You may be following an archaic system that might have been fine for your parents or people who have come before you but it's not right for you or this situation with this particular person. There's a pull in you to stay and to listen to his words. Unpack that, look into this. Don't do it alone. Seek counseling and ask yourself why does this person have this hold over you. 

There is nothing wrong with marriage in a committed relationship. You have to really uncover what it means to you and consider your mental and physical health, long term. If what you are looking for is an ideal or a vision in the distance, the proverbial castle in the air, and what you have in reality is so far outside of those bounds, think again. Ask yourself again whether your life is worth putting at risk for a dream that is not real. 

 

[catfeeder]

On 1/21/2021 at 9:04 PM, Pushingrope said:

@SooSad33

The list is long and strange. He kicks me out of the house about once a month on average... He ignores every single text and phone call I ever make to him. He calls me mean names and puts me down whenever he is in a mood. Blames me for literally every single wrong thing that ever happens... this list could go on and on. And not all the time... But enough of the time. 

We've been together for 4 years. 

He SAYS he does... But truly acts like he doesn't. 

There's not a shot that I'd stay involved, much less in contact, with anyone who treated me this way.

There are no words that could compensate for any of this--not even 1%.

[smackie9]

I agree talk of marriage and a future can be used as a tool of manipulation that plays on the "say what she wants' to hear" to keep you around. Just like an abuser that says "I love you!" as he beats his wife black and blue.