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Hi, I’m looking for a shoulder to lean on. 
 

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over four years. Not long after our four year anniversary I found out he has been sexting multiple woman fo at least the last two years of our relationship possibly longer. 
 

When I found out I went into complete denial. Even though what was before me was pretty self explanatory, naked pictures of him and naked pictures of girls and a lot of dirty talk in between. For nearly a whole week I convinced myself it was just sex, he didn’t know the girls, they were probably just Snapchat girls he found on a porn site. 
By the end of that week I was hardly eating or sleeping and my body forced me to realise that I was lying to myself and I needed to confront him. 
 

We talked about it. He was shocked I knew and as we spoke I could see the shame and guilt of his actions wash over him. He could not say he was sorry more. He deleted all the messages and the women (who incidentally were girls he knew front school). He said it started during a time when he was very depressed. He told me he didn’t want to loose me and he would do everything he could to gain my trust again. 
 

It’s been a little over a month since then and he has kept his word. He has been patient when I’ve needed space, he has comforted me and been very attentive. I believe he is truly sorry. 
 

I have always said that if someone ever cheated on me I would leave them instantly. But that was easy to say before I fell in love and I know I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. 
 

I am happy with the effort he is putting in to show me he cares and is sorry and wants to make things right. There are moments are I feel positive about the future. Then there are moments I am so overcome with hurt and grief and I have no one to talk to about it because I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve been cheated on, I haven’t told anyone and therefore have no one to lean on. 
 

I wanted to reach out and ask those who have been cheated and successfully rebuilt their relationship their advice. If that’s you, please help me. I feel so alone in this and I need to know what I’m trying to do is capable of being done. 

(please do not reply to this with messages like ‘dump him’ or ‘a cheater is always a cheater’ it’s not what I’m here for and I’ve had all those thoughts myself, so please only reply if you have been through this and can actually help me) 

many thanks for your time x

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26 minutes ago, Mae95 said:

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over four years. Not long after our four year anniversary I found out he has been sexting multiple woman fo at least the last two years of our relationship possibly longer.  naked pictures of him and naked pictures of girls and a lot of dirty talk in between.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.  I know you said you don't want anyone telling you to dump him etc, so I'll speak for myself only.  If my partner did that to me I know for a fact there is no way I could ever trust him again.  For me, the biggest and main reason why I would leave is the fact that he has betrayed me for over two YEARS.   For me, that's unforgivable. It's not like it only last a week.  He has totally disrespected and betrayed you for over TWO YEARS. I could never look at him again - it would make me want to puke.  Make me sick.  I would never want to rebuild anything with him.  For me, I would have told him he is welcome to mess around with all these woman, but he should never, ever, speak to me again.    Then I'd pack my bags and disappear, with my dignity and self-respect in tact, and lose his number.  But that's just me.

Also, please note that without trust you have nothing.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  Perhaps look into some personal counselling to help you?  I wish you well.

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1 hour ago, Mae95 said:

there are moments I am so overcome with hurt and grief and I have no one to talk to about it because I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve been cheated on

YOU have been damaged 😞 

something like this does hurt!  I know....

He is sorry, only because he's been caught.  If you never brought this up- it would still be going on,, right?

Has been going on for at least 2 yrs .  And this IS quite different than a couple watching some porn movie.

Is selfish behaviour.. and I wonder WHY he has been doing this?  Having one woman not enough?  He needs even more.. is a major thrill?  I don't know.

 

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7 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

the biggest and main reason why I would leave is the fact that he has betrayed me for over two YEARS.

Yes, that's pathological dishonesty and disrespect.

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My heart goes out to you. Why attempt this alone, when there are people trained to teach you how to work through this stuff?

Is he willing to go to couples therapy with you?

If so, I'd ask HIM to choose the therapist so that he's the driver in setting the appointments, and you'll learn how committed he is to the process. This will also avoid setting him up to resent YOU for hiring someone to gang up on him.

If he's NOT willing to work this through with a professional, then he's gaslighting you. You'll need to decide, then, how much of your future you'll want to spend with someone who won't walk his talk, and how much you can trust him not to just get better at hiding deception from you.

 

Edited by catfeeder
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How do you feel knowing he would never have stopped unless you confronted him?

My ex cheated on me constantly, repeatedly and continually.  He never stopped, even when I asked him about all his cheating.  I never trusted him because he wasn't trustworthy.  I stupidly stayed with him for FOUR YEARS

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The entire time I snuck looks at his phone, checked his bed sheets, did late night and early morning drive bys and listened in on conversations he had with his friends when they were in another room.  I also looked at his social media and the social media of the women and girls I knew he was either cheating on me with or who I suspected.

It was a horrible way to live.  I will never suggest anyone live that way.  I killed my self esteem living that way.  It's taken me YEARS to recover.

Are you willing to live that life?  Knowing he only "stopped" because you caught him?  Can you find a way to NOT feel the need to check up on him?  What do you think will happen the next time he feels "depressed"?

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I am sorry that this has happened.  

This was not a one time thing.   He did this for half of your relationship!   Damn!  You are still in denial, as he will do it again.  You need to kick this trash to the curb.  Don't use the excuse that you "love him,"  as you should love and respect yourself more.    Please address your self worth through counseling. 

Depression is not a cause of cheating, but lack of character is.  You need to wake up.

   

Edited by Hollyj
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This isn't over. He's a serial cheater. He's good at manipulating, hiding....he wears a mask to cause deception. He shouldn't get off this lightly with just an apology and a look of shame. He has a problem that requires therapy. You both need to go to couples counseling to get to the root of why he does this in the first place. And also individual therapy to work on those other issues.

If it were me, he needs to be kicked to the curb. The level of cheating is unforgivable.

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