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In a loving committed relationship but I have quite intense feelings for a colleague


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Hi everyone

ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together, I really love him and he’s a really good guy, we get on really well better than anyone else I’ve been with, he’s basically one of my best friends. Although we have never had any real chemistry or spark or exciting sort of beginning, it’s  been a real slow burn and to be honest sometimes I’m not sure how much or any attraction there is at all or has been, we have nice sex but I’ve never felt really excited for it or like I need it and we’ve never had it very often (once a week at the beginning and now once every 2-3 weeks) to be honest I sort of have to press my brain to go into that area with him if that makes sense. Meanwhile for a little over a year I’ve developed a huge crush on my colleague, anytime he’s anywhere near me I have feelings like I’m bloody falling apart, if we interact I feel like I’m high for a significant period of time after. At the same time when we talk alone I find him really easy to talk to, we laugh a lot and seem to have quite a bit in common, more than me and my boyfriend I think (but in reality if I knew him better on the same level as my boyfriend maybe I would not be saying this!?), in the past we’ve told each other more personal things and once or twice he’s messaged me outside work just to check up on me, we’ve had way less contact cause of the pandemic and I moved to a different team and largely I’ve really tried to push him far out of my mind in order to not jeopardize my relationship and also his as he also has someone! To be honest I don’t know if he has feelings for me but the pushing him out of my mind is really not working, I feel like since we have a lot less contact when we are in contact the physical/nervous system sorta reaction is way stronger in me now, all the usual jelly legs and butterflies and total highness, I can’t believe this has been going on so long and to be honest I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like this before. I can’t help contrasting it to how my boyfriend makes/made me feel and the distinct lack of that with us ever. It doesnt help he’s a musician so I have this weird feeling of knowing him better than I actually know him because of his music. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I should be asking for advice on how to get rid of this infuriating feeling ( I assume time and more avoiding!?) or if crazily this type of thing is so rare (it def is for me anyway!) i should say something and risk both our relationships if he reciprocated or worse if he doesn’t and make our working life extremely awkward. To add to this mixture I’m 29 and I think I want kids, my boyfriend (32) does not want kids and I know my colleague (28) does, I don’t think not having children would totally devastate me and I could for sure live with it and would rather a lifelong happy relationship without them than a broken relationship with them but there’s def an area of my brain who’s afraid i might crave it more with time. Also due to my age and the potential of having kids I feel like I need to be settling soon, the idea of being with someone albeit lovely and secure and loving but someone who doesn’t and has never created such intense feelings in me and the idea of missing out on that and potentially stronger special connection sorta scares me, similarly the idea of risking something good based on some mad feelings where it might not work out cause of course I do not know him on the level of my boyfriend is also obviously scary too. This is so long, I’m really sorry not even sure what I’m asking, other than uh, help? 

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38 minutes ago, Frankie123456 said:

he also has someone

Keep it professional. Don't talk about personal stuff or chitchat outside of work.

Of course you realize you're coasting along in a relationship of convenience with your bf and are not really compatible. Reflect what you want in life outside of this crush. He seems more like a projection of general dissatisfaction with your bf as a long term partner. . 

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39 minutes ago, Frankie123456 said:

, he’s basically one of my best friends. Although we have never had any real chemistry or spark or exciting sort of beginning, it’s  been a real slow burn and to be honest sometimes I’m not sure how much or any attraction there is at all or has been, we have nice sex but I’ve never felt really excited for it or like I need it and we’ve never had it very often (once a week at the beginning and now once every 2-3 weeks) to be honest I sort of have to press my brain to go into that area with him if that makes sense. Meanwhile for a little over a year I’ve developed a huge crush on my colleague, anytime he’s anywhere near me I have feelings like I’m bloody falling apart, if we interact I feel like I’m high for a significant period of time after. At the same time when we talk alone I find him really easy to talk to, we laugh a lot and seem to have quite a bit in common, more than me and my boyfriend

 Points-

- He's like your 'friend'.

- lack of sex/ sexual attraction.

Your 'crush' could very well be because of your 'lack; in your present relationship.

BUT, although you have a thing for this guy- does NOT mean persue anything!  - He is not available, is he?

Then completely leave it all alone! (respect for him- them).

I suggest you consider being honest with your bf, that not all is well- as you know you two have some real differences. (your future/ kids etc).

And consider getting out of this, so you can BOTH move on with your lives.. But, do not keep on about this dude you've been hanging/ working with.

Sounds like more a 'fantasy' due to what you are lacking.

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Major differences like one wanting children and the other, not, should be a dealbreaker in itself. You entered into an emotional affair at work since you're lacking an emotional connection with your SO.

After being together 2 years, it's best if you be alone 6 months to a year. Get your mind in the right headspace, mourning the end of a relationship, and giving yourself time before entering another one.

I wouldn't go for the guy at work. He's probably knowingly crossed relationship boundaries with his SO. I'm sure he knows you have a crush on him, and it was inappropriate to share personal stuff and call you after hours. If his gf was a fly on the wall for any of these conversations, how would she feel? You're probably overlooking all this since you have such a crush.

You should begin treating him as just another co-worker. You can train your brain to do anything. And then after some time after the breakup, you can get back on the dating scene and go for someone as free as you are, who has the same life goals. Good luck.

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3 hours ago, Frankie123456 said:

Hi everyone

ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together, I really love him and he’s a really good guy, we get on really well better than anyone else I’ve been with, he’s basically one of my best friends. Although we have never had any real chemistry or spark or exciting sort of beginning, it’s  been a real slow burn and to be honest sometimes I’m not sure how much or any attraction there is at all or has been, we have nice sex but I’ve never felt really excited for it or like I need it and we’ve never had it very often (once a week at the beginning and now once every 2-3 weeks) to be honest I sort of have to press my brain to go into that area with him if that makes sense. Meanwhile for a little over a year I’ve developed a huge crush on my colleague, anytime he’s anywhere near me I have feelings like I’m bloody falling apart, if we interact I feel like I’m high for a significant period of time after. At the same time when we talk alone I find him really easy to talk to, we laugh a lot and seem to have quite a bit in common, more than me and my boyfriend I think (but in reality if I knew him better on the same level as my boyfriend maybe I would not be saying this!?), in the past we’ve told each other more personal things and once or twice he’s messaged me outside work just to check up on me, we’ve had way less contact cause of the pandemic and I moved to a different team and largely I’ve really tried to push him far out of my mind in order to not jeopardize my relationship and also his as he also has someone! To be honest I don’t know if he has feelings for me but the pushing him out of my mind is really not working, I feel like since we have a lot less contact when we are in contact the physical/nervous system sorta reaction is way stronger in me now, all the usual jelly legs and butterflies and total highness, I can’t believe this has been going on so long and to be honest I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like this before. I can’t help contrasting it to how my boyfriend makes/made me feel and the distinct lack of that with us ever. It doesnt help he’s a musician so I have this weird feeling of knowing him better than I actually know him because of his music. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I should be asking for advice on how to get rid of this infuriating feeling ( I assume time and more avoiding!?) or if crazily this type of thing is so rare (it def is for me anyway!) i should say something and risk both our relationships if he reciprocated or worse if he doesn’t and make our working life extremely awkward. To add to this mixture I’m 29 and I think I want kids, my boyfriend (32) does not want kids and I know my colleague (28) does, I don’t think not having children would totally devastate me and I could for sure live with it and would rather a lifelong happy relationship without them than a broken relationship with them but there’s def an area of my brain who’s afraid i might crave it more with time. Also due to my age and the potential of having kids I feel like I need to be settling soon, the idea of being with someone albeit lovely and secure and loving but someone who doesn’t and has never created such intense feelings in me and the idea of missing out on that and potentially stronger special connection sorta scares me, similarly the idea of risking something good based on some mad feelings where it might not work out cause of course I do not know him on the level of my boyfriend is also obviously scary too. This is so long, I’m really sorry not even sure what I’m asking, other than uh, help? 

I think you’ve fallen out of love with your BF. 

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep it professional. Don't talk about personal stuff or chitchat outside of work.

Of course you realize you're coasting along in a relationship of convenience with your bf and are not really compatible. Reflect what you want in life outside of this crush. He seems more like a projection of general dissatisfaction with your bf as a long term partner. . 

^ This covers it all.  I also agree with all the other posts above.

You also need to respect the fact that he is in a relationship with someone, even if HE doesn't.  Also, monkey-branching from one relationship to another never works and burns out really fast.  If your own relationship has passed its use-by date then end it and stay single until you're in a better headspace before launching into another relationship.

 

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14 hours ago, Frankie123456 said:

I don’t know if I should be asking for advice on how to get rid of this infuriating feeling ( I assume time and more avoiding!?) or if crazily this type of thing is so rare (it def is for me anyway!) i should say something and risk both our relationships if he reciprocated or worse if he doesn’t and make our working life extremely awkward.

First of all, these feelings are not rare. They may be new to you, but people go through this all the time. It's infatuation, and believe me, it's meaningless. Really.

Secondly, even though you have a lot of affection for your boyfriend, it is clear that he is not meeting your needs sexually. The feelings of infatuation that you have for your coworker are intensifying this problem.

Be very careful here. You are starting to leap off into nonsensical directions, like "my coworker will give me kids!" I'm sure you know when you look at this statement that it's a ridiculous thought. Yet it made it into your first post. This shows that your hormones are doing your thinking for you.

Before you rush off into the arms of this coworker, you should take a good look at your current relationship and do some housekeeping. It may not be viable for you anymore. And if that's the case, end it and be alone for a while before pursuing another relationship. 

 

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You and your boyfriend sound more like friends rather than a couple. Your life goals are also not compatible. 

You wouldn't be having this much of a problem with your crush if you were in a fulfilling, satisfying relationship. But, you seem to have emotionally checked-out and maybe have never been fully there to begin with.  

I think you really need to re-evaluate why you're with your boyfriend, if things are so off in several important areas. Because if you don't address that, then I guarantee you will find yourself in the same mess in the future, with another guy who happens to catch your eye.

Then, keep in mind that just because you may become single, this other guy might not be interested in actually pursuing anything with you. In other words, don't break up with your boyfriend just so you can get with this man - if you end it, it should be because you recognize that it's not the right relationship for you and it doesn't make sense to continue. 

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I'd cut down on any communication with your coworker and keep it professional only. Re-evaluate the relationship with your boyfriend. I think you're afraid of being lonely and worrying about family life or kids and finding someone to have that with. It's only driving more of a wedge in your current relationship. If you want a family, remaining with someone who is so adverse to your values or goals is just hurtful to you in the long run. It's far better to be alone than in a relationship where you do not see eye to eye with someone. 

Hope you feel a bit better today.

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At 29, you "think" you want kids?  You aren't certain?  Why has it been ok to coast for 2 years in your current relationship knowing your bf didn't want kids and now it might be an issue?   You are 29.  You better decide.

Try to seperate all these issues.  This isn't about a choice between 2 men. The coworkers presence is forcing you to address some possible incompatibilities with your current bf.  You need to honestly ask yourself if the coworker didn't exist would you be content with a happily ever after, childless future in your current situation?

Just my experience, when I let those lustful, butterfly feelings cloud my judgement, they were my worst choices.  Not saying you shouldn't have it, but it's a balance of both.  Using your head and your heart to guide you.

Address all these issue separately.

 

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I'd evaluate the viability of my current relationship on it's own merits, without engaging outside influences, and if I want out, I'd get out.

I'd evaluate my career path, my career reputation and my work culture to determine what risks, if any, I'm willing to take with any of these factors before messing around with a coworker. If it's a temp job that I'll be leaving, those factors are a lot different than expecting to be taken seriously by peers and management going forward if I demonstrate lousy judgment.

No matter how I'd slice any of this, I would finish old business before demonstrating a capacity for disloyalty to anyone I'd want to impress. If new guy sees me prematurely invested in him, before I've responsibly managed my availability to do so, that sends the message that I'm easily disloyal to someone I've claimed to love--and the guy won't be able to trust me not to do the same to him. (Not a great foundation.)

So this is about preserving any future potential (with the job or the guy) by using mature discretion instead of pretending that I lack self control. Choose wisely.

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I understand how you are feeling. It is usually exciting and intoxicating when you are feeling too comfortable in a relationship and somebody else is paying attention, or you convince yourself they are. 

I think it is unfair of you to continue in a relationship with your long term boyfriend if you are having feelings for other people. It is normal to find others attractive once in awhile when we are in a committed relationship, but once you start encouraging those feelings and allowing them to develop further is when you are heading into dangerous territory.  A big sign of that is coming onto this forum, seeking validation that it is okay for you to crush on your colleague. Yes, crushes happen but they are most often fleeting and crash and burn quickly. I believe you are at a crossroads with your current relationship. If you want children and your boyfriend doesn't that should be a big red flag. You will resent him if you stay with him and pretend you are okay with that. You should never waste years of your life fooling yourself and a partner who has also invested his future in you. If you respect him, you will be honest. Honesty is always best. 

You must also be aware that all relationships follow the same pattern over time. No matter how exciting it was in the beginning, things will slow down after a year or so. Our brains are not designed to live in a constant state of infatuation. It is unsustainable in relationships. At some point, that spark and intensity you had in the beginning transitions into a loving, comfortable type of love. And that is how most of us manage our relationships. It is the commitment we make to a person long after the butterflies have flown away. But having said that, it is never impossible to still be excited by your partner and have fun together, whether it is exploring in the bedroom or sharing new experiences together in your lives.

You do realize that this guy is just a distraction and a fantasy. You are in a rut. You are feeling blah. You are not excited about life. Pandemic blues could be having an effect. Do you spend lots of time with your boyfriend? Has he become too familiar? It would very easy for your crush to sweep in and take you on a magic carpet ride. He does none of the heavy lifting. Your long term boyfriend does. This crush farts and his farts stink too. He takes dumps and he has bad moods and bad qualities you have no idea about. In the long term, you would see all of his flaws too. And in the end, despite those flaws, would he be compatible with you? Grass is greener syndrome often ends up biting its believers in the a$$. Most end up regretting choosing someone in a moment of temporary chemical induced infatuation over tried, testing and true. Would you feel its worth the risk? 

I think that most mysterious people look more exciting until you get to know them better. Then what? Do you keep going through people like kleenex? At some point you have to appreciate what you have and be happy with that. If not, you are not ready to spend your life with that person and are better off single and dating. I believe you have lots to think about. If you are not happy with your boyfriend, maybe it is time you make some hard decisions. Rather than settling and pretending everything is okay. The longer you pretend, the worse it will be.

Also, be careful with this colleague. He knows you are committed and he is swooping in. Does he have a partner? Trust issues have ruined many relationships. This is not the way to begin a new one. 

 

 

 

 

 

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