Jump to content

The guy I'm dating told me he had visited prostitutes in the past


Recommended Posts

2 minutes ago, Moon River said:

But I'm not that old to ask those kind of questions ūüėā I will take your advise and keep sexual¬†things private (which I do) it's the guys that usually spill everything out.¬†

Excellent. 27 is a full grown adult. A time many are married, buying homes, starting families and finished with education etc. It's not 14 at a slumber party asking silly questions. Certainly men in your dating age group have had adult relationships, perhaps kids, marriage, lived with someone, etc. Focus on appropriate "getting to know you" conversations. 

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 52
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

Well I think ultimately people tell us something stigmatised about themselves to see how we react because they want to be totally accepted for who they really are. E.g. someone might admit they used t

There are just some things I'd rather not know about my partners past.  Having sex with a prostitute once 10 years ago is information I don't need to know.  Am  I ok with it?  No.  But he was likely a

As mentioned, he said 10 yrs ago.. he was still in his teens?  Oh, when so young, I can see that. Curious, young minded. ( Hope he's grown up now!). As for me?  Don't think that would bother

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. 27 is a full grown adult. A time many are married, buying homes, starting families and finished with education etc. It's not 14 at a slumber party asking silly questions. Certainly men in your dating age group have had adult relationships, perhaps kids, marriage, lived with someone, etc. Focus on appropriate "getting to know you" conversations. 

Here not really, most of us can't afford a house and live still in a expensive room with roommates at this age. Marriage at 27 is almost unheard of. Children idem. If they do they are above 35. I guess we have a bit of a cultural difference. Anyways, I will follow your advise and thanks for your time to write back and help. All the best. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
52 minutes ago, Moon River said:

Yes, but I'm not sure it happened more. Would it bother you if someone you're with paid for sex in the past? 

You're right! I will take your advise and see how it goes.

It shouldn't matter whether it would bother me or anyone here. It's about you assessing his character and whether you are suitable. ūüôā

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe I am overthinking this, but I think our psyches act in very interesting and complex ways .

Much like criminals who feel compelled to return to the scene of crime even though they know it's a really bad and risky idea.   Why?

I also think disclosing something like this is unusual and I can't help but think people who volunteer these things dress them up so they aren't so shocking.  It just makes me wonder what the unfiltered version is.

I can think of more than one relationship, where my bf or husband seemed really transparent about the cool female coworker they are friends with.  I used to think the fact that they volunteered that information was a good sign.  Ultimately it was the very person they ended up with when our relationship was over.  It's perplexing.  Why did they volunteer the information to begin with? I didn't know even know this person existed and it seemed insignificant at the time.  Now when my current bf makes mention of the cool female friend, I make a note (he's about as true as they get, but past experiences have taught me to pay closer attention)

So, much like this was he testing your reaction for things to come?

Just my random thoughts on this and why his disclosure would make me uncomfortable.

Edited by reinventmyself
Link to post
Share on other sites

I have heard even crazier things.  I wouldn't be bothered if this was one and done. As a young kid, his friends could have been busting his chops or he felt pressured to lose his virginity.  So you got a professional.  If he would never consider it ever again, then, he wouldn't. 

Plenty of cheaters, abusers, stealers, liars, stingy people never get a hooker.  Doesn't make any of them any better.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, Lambert said:

I don't know if someone telling you something embarrassing or bad, necessarily means they're being so honest. 

There could be a seed of truth. To see how a person reacts. But the actual truth is much worse.  Maybe he really sees prostitutes regularly, when he doesn't have a partner or if that partner is unavailable. He may not see this as a problem- for him, personally, but he knows it's not cool with others.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

I judge this pretty harshly from a moral perspective, especially as it is abusive to the sex workers.  Let alone diseases, drug use, and whatever else is involved; I have a different perspective of sex,what it means, who with matters, situation matters.

 

This is the first thing I thought.  

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
38 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Maybe I am overthinking this, but I think our psyches act in very interesting and complex ways .

Much like criminals who feel compelled to return to the scene of crime even though they know it's a really bad and risky idea.   Why?

I also think disclosing something like this is unusual and I can't help but think people who volunteer these things dress them up so they aren't so shocking.  It just makes me wonder what the unfiltered version is.

I can think of more than one relationship, where my bf or husband seemed really transparent about the cool female coworker they are friends with.  I used to think the fact that they volunteered that information was a good sign.  Ultimately it was the very person they ended up with when our relationship was over.  It's perplexing.  Why did they volunteer the information to begin with? I didn't know even know this person existed and it seemed insignificant at the time.  Now when my current bf makes mention of the cool female friend, I make a note (he's about as true as they get, but past experiences have taught me to pay closer attention)

So, much like this was he testing your reaction for things to come?

Just my random thoughts on this and why his disclosure would make me uncomfortable.

I can relate.   I thought one of my ex's was  transparent, ending up being one of the biggest sleaze bags I have ever known.

Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Lambert said:

There could be a seed of truth. To see how a person reacts.

Great point. It's such a weird conversation, that he may be gauging what you'll tolerate by acting like the "cool GF" and being OK with it. More of a warning than a confession.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I also think disclosing something like this is unusual and I can't help but think people who volunteer these things dress them up so they aren't so shocking.  It just makes me wonder what the unfiltered version is.

I agree with this read, potentially. Another read, and one that's floated into my mind, goes like this: 

Most everyone walks around with some unprocessed shame, some chapter of their past that they're still reckoning with. And when we meet someone new? It's that chapter‚ÄĒor, really, the shame surrounding it‚ÄĒthat we're worried (maybe not consciously) is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. As such, we're kind of both eager to keep this thing to ourselves and reveal it, the latter so we can see, in essence, if there's a chance of being seen.¬†

So, the generous view might be: since he has yet to fully accept this chapter himself, he reveals it seeking a touch of help in getting there, in closing that door of the past. Which, hey, can be one of those sweet little things between people. Then again, some things are really best processed in the vacuum of ourselves, so as not to sour burgeoning sweetness. Past relationships, for instance. And, for most, a formative adolescent dalliance with a sex worker might fall into that category. 

All in all, I'd give the same advice here that I'd give anyone at this stage in courtship, dating: keep observing, listening to the person and, most importantly, listening to your gut.  

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

What kind of man is he to you now? Worry less over being a "prude" and more about what you have in front of you. If he's shifty or you don't get a good feel for this person, you know what to do. 

If he's genuine and seems like he gave up this lifestyle years ago, why are you letting it cloud your judgment of what he is to you now? 

He told you about it likely because he feels guilty and you've already come across as a "prude" so that cat is out of the bag on that one. Most people won't talk about their past sex history with others unless it pointedly becomes a topic of interest between two people. 

I would not continue conversations like this because there's only one person it'll continue to hurt and confuse and that's yourself. You've both taken STD tests so leave the past in the past. 

Focus on what's in front of you and see whether you can trust this person as a whole. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

For me personally, this would be a hard no and he'd be gone.

This is about character and specifically, hidden sense of entitlement. This stuff doesn't go away ever. I don't care what his excuse was - youth, shyness, whatever - he felt entitled to use another person to satisfy himself. If that's not a flashing neon red flag, I don't know what is.

Also, my personal mileage is same as many other posters are suggesting - these types of "confessions" are usually just the tip of the iceberg, testing your boundaries and whether you have any. 

Even with the most generous read of it was 10 years ago and he is just processing something shameful....well....he did have 10 years to process. Doesn't reflect well if he is just now using the OP to "process". Not good and just another kind of a red flag.

Edited by DancingFool
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Moon River said:

But I also don't want to be a prude.

This isn't being a prude, it's being a lady and having standards. Nothing wrong at all with wanting a partner who isn't into hookers.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know him - but, I'm guessing, he shared this with you because you were eventually going to find out about it, or he wanted to see how you'd react over something he did long ago, etc.

At the end of the day, what matters is - the man he is today.

Questions I'd ask: Has he left his past behind? How do you feel about his past and is this something you can get over? Is he currently a man of good character? How does he treat you?

Edited by greendots
Link to post
Share on other sites

I honestly think what you do and how you respond is YOUR choice. I can only speak of my own opinions and believe it or not I can totally see both perspectives.

I'm 36 now but when I was 25 I was dating this shy Indian guy who was 27. He really was very shy and even after about five long dates he never even kissed me. So I had to kiss him first. He was a really nice guy though and working as an engineer. Anyway I came over to his place to try to get intimate but unfortunately it turned out to be a disaster. We drank too much and he vomited all over my clothes! I'd also asked him if he'd been with many women. He said he'd slept with a woman only once and it was a prostitute.

At the time I actually thought this was bad and I was really turned off by it, so I dumped him. He was begging me to change my mind. He said he only did it out of desperation because he's so shy and he couldn't even speak to women. He said he was a virgin at 25 and his friends made fun of him and egged him on to lose his virginity to a prostitute. Anyway, I didn't change my mind and just ignored all his messages. A year or two later though I felt so bad about how I judged him. I didn't have his number anymore but I really wanted to apologise. I tried to find him on Facebook but couldn't find him.

So fast forward to a few years ago and my opinion of the whole prostitution thing really changed. For eight years I've been working as a welfare worker with people with disabilities, mental illness, homelessness, drugs, things like that. One of my clients with physical disabilities used a prostitute because he had no other way to be intimate with a woman because women discriminated him. He said he paid the prostitute $300 per hour minimum and for about half the time he just wanted to cuddle and hold hands because he was so lonely and craved human affection. I just thought that was so sad! It made me realise that being a prostitute is actually a necessary job for people who may not have the opportunity to be intimate. E.g. people with disabilities. Some people I worked with at my job actually were sex workers and they were just your average people just like everyone else. I actually have a close friend who is a sex worker and believe it or not she likes her job. She's not homeless, doesn't do drugs and barely even drinks alcohol. Another sex worker I know is a transgender girl and she's working as a prostitute to save up for gender reassignment surgery.

I don't necessarily think that going to a sex worker means the person is abusing them. That is of course if they don't actually abuse them physically or verbally and they are respectful. Some people who are sex workers do it out of desperation, but some don't. I also don't agree with people using prostitutes if they're cheating, but that's just because I don't agree with cheating in general. 

In answer to your question (controversial answer lol) - yes I have been to a sex worker three times. Not because I can't get sex but because I had a prostitution fetish and also my male ex fiance and I had a threesome with another woman, who was a sex worker. I know I'm a regular on these forums so probably will get some judgement but I guess thank God people don't actually know who I really am in real life lol

Anyway so having said all that, how YOU feel is the most important thing here. If you don't feel comfortable with it and don't want to date men who used sex workers, you don't have to date them. From what I gather, it is somewhat common, but obviously not every guy has been with a prostitute.

One thing I've realised that as a woman we don't really consider that getting sex and even getting dates is not always a piece of cake for men, especially if they're shy. One of my close male friends who is actually pretty hot and really nice, previously didn't have sex for six years. He's quite shy so I imagine that was the reason. 

I'm not saying you should think one way or another, but just making some comments to provide perspective.

Edited by Tinydance
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

This isn't being a prude, it's being a lady and having standards. Nothing wrong at all with wanting a partner who isn't into hookers.

It doesn't make you a prude but I also think it's just personal values. I mean it's totally OK to think prostitution is bad and I used to think the same. However it's not necessarily bad just in and of itself. It's a job which is needed because people want to use the services of prostitutes, whatever their reasons are for it. The reasons might be they are shy, disabled, disfigured, lonely, have a strange fetish they're embarrassed about, are a virgin at older age, etc. The point is it's a needed and sought job. In the state where I live prostitution is legal if you work from a registered brothel or as a registered sole sex worker. Street walking is illegal but if you do it legally you have rights as a sex worker in my state. In my opinion on its own it's not good or bad but everyone is allowed to have a personal opinion on it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

I have heard even crazier things.  I wouldn't be bothered if this was one and done. As a young kid, his friends could have been busting his chops or he felt pressured to lose his virginity.  So you got a professional.  If he would never consider it ever again, then, he wouldn't. 

Plenty of cheaters, abusers, stealers, liars, stingy people never get a hooker.  Doesn't make any of them any better.

I agree.

Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Moon River said:

Yes, but I'm not sure it happened more. Would it bother you if someone you're with paid for sex in the past? 

You're right! I will take your advise and see how it goes.

Not in the past, no. But really I could consider anything that's not "right now" to be the past lol So he could have been with a prostitute last month lol Look I'm not gonna lie, if someone told me they go to a prostitute regularly, I might be a bit worried. The main reason being WHY do they need to go regularly? Do they have some super weird fetishes that nobody likes? In which case maybe I won't like them? Is their behaviour and personality off putting to women? Maybe they don't really want a relationship but just want no strings sex? 

If the person told me they've been with a prostitute very rarely, because they were still a virgin, shy, wanted to try something, I'd be OK with it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/22/2021 at 11:34 PM, Tinydance said:

However it's not necessarily bad just in and of itself.

I think it's a matter of opinion, to be honest. I think it has a lot to do with how a person is brought up, what they are taught to be "bad", or "good".

I was taught that to respect myself, meant respecting my body and that I shouldn't use it as a free for all or have anyone do that to me.

Now as a grown woman and lots of years behind me, I still see that viewpoint as what I most agree with.

I think I look at the other side of sex trade as well..the ugly side. So many of the workers are actually addicted to drugs or are doing this because they don't feel they have any other choice. I too have seen the side of what social workers deal with. I think to give an honest evaluation of the whole sex worker trade, it would be fair to say that many are addicted to substances or have been abused or are being abused.

This is an opinion, and feel free to not agree with it, honestly, I won't mind at all.

But not taking into consideration those with fetishes for multiple partners that are strangers(because yes, they do exist), or the ones who are addicted to sex (although this is another problem)....I would say that the average woman who respects herself and her body, isn't going to allow just anyone to get into bed with her.

The majority of woman aren't comfortable with that and aren't even going to even consider using her body that way.

But the woman who have been sexually abused, yes, they tend to end up as prostitutes and they need help more than anything else.

I think so many look past these two points when it comes to sex workers. They assume that these women are happy doing this, they actually like it and so it's okay to use them however they wish.

But the dark side of it is, many have been badly abused and they have zero self esteem, zero self worth left in them. 

The ones who are sex workers because they are addicted to drugs, is also quite a high percentage.

When someone says that sex workers are needed, I mean, I see where you are coming from. All humans want to have some kind of intimacy, even if it is just cuddling, touch, etc.

Yes, the workers in this trade are choosing to be at service for this, but I would still want people to consider that these women might not be in the healthiest frame of mind or may have not been treated well at all.

It's only fair to consider this and to take this into account.

That being said, I'm not sure how good of a thing it is for people to be using each others bodies for money.

It's only a perspective to consider. I realize this doesn't mean all sex workers fall under these issues, but to be fair, many do.

I do feel so sorry for so many women out there that are in really bad places and don't actually want to be doing these things but are desperate.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

It doesn't matter how long people live with their parents.

What matters is you asked questions that opened a pandora's box of doubt for you, but now you want a survey about how common this is.

Overall, you're not compatible. Perhaps he told you that to keep you at arms length and to make sure you understand that it's casual and don't get your hopes up about him. 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Deal breaker. 

If you don't know how you feel about this, you're obviously uncomfortable with this.  If you're not sure about this guy, then he's not for you and it wasn't meant to be. 

Listen to your inner voice because it's always right.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't matter how long people live with their parents.

What matters is you asked questions that opened a pandora's box of doubt for you, but now you want a survey about how common this is.

Overall, you're not compatible. Perhaps he told you that to keep you at arms length and to make sure you understand that it's casual and don't get your hopes up about him. 

 

 

Well I think ultimately people tell us something stigmatised about themselves to see how we react because they want to be totally accepted for who they really are. E.g. someone might admit they used to take drugs, had tried to commit suicide, been to a prostitute, cheated, etc. They're giving their new partner a test to see how they react and if they can be OK with them exactly as they really are. And if you're not OK with it that's actually fine, it's just how you feel. You're allowed to not want to date a person who has done XYZ. There are also people out there who haven't done XYZ and you could date them instead. So really it's a personal choice.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I dunno, I just can't get indignant over a 17 year old kid hiring a hooker for (maybe his first) sexual experience. He's opened the door to talk more about it. I'd use discretion and sensitivity about the timing and intensity in such a discussion, but I certainly wouldn't write the guy off.

  • Confused 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would not want to be with any man who visited a prostitute. It speaks of his character and how he paid to objectify and use women for his own gratification. I would wonder what else this guy was into that he was holding back. Yes, I understand that prostitutes will always be around but men do not have to facilitate that profession by paying them for sex, and yet they do and will always do so until the end of time. Sad but it's a fact. I guess it all depends on the woman. But knowing something like that would lower his value in my eyes, and make him less of a man. I would always wonder if he would do it again at any point in time. I would prefer a guy who would never lower himself to that kind of baseline behaviour. Living with the knowledge he did that will most likely always be in the back of your mind and may poison any chance for a trusting, loving relationship. Just saying. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

There's a saying that you're not paying a prostitute for the sex, you're paying her to leave.  Which is absolutely true if you think about it.

If some guy told me his first time was with a hooker,  I would probably focus less on the fact of it all and more what his motives are in telling me.  Especially if he seemed nervous to mention it.  It's something you don't even NEED to know so what's to be gained by him telling you?  (I don't always buy the whole "honesty" thing).  That's what I'd be asking myself.  Also you don't know he hasn't done this recently/doesn't do this regularly.  This may be worth delving into.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


√ó
√ó
  • Create New...