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The guy I'm dating told me he had visited prostitutes in the past


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I (F27) have been dating a wonderful guy (M27) for a couple of months. In an honest night time conversation he told me his first time was with a prostitute/sex worker which was 10 yrs ago. I don't know if he did it more often, I think so though. I didn't ask further, wasn't sure how to react. He felt extremely uncomfortable and nervous to tell me. I'm going to ask more about it when I see him again.

I don't know how I feel about this. 

So my question for you ladies is: would it be a deal breaker for you if your date/boyfriend/husband had been to sex workers in the past? 

And my question for you guys is; Have you ever paid for sex, why or why not? 

We both did an STI test so I know he's clean. 

TL;DL ; guy i'm dating visited prostitutes in the past, would it be a dealbreaker for you? 

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Well I think ultimately people tell us something stigmatised about themselves to see how we react because they want to be totally accepted for who they really are. E.g. someone might admit they used t

There are just some things I'd rather not know about my partners past.  Having sex with a prostitute once 10 years ago is information I don't need to know.  Am  I ok with it?  No.  But he was likely a

As mentioned, he said 10 yrs ago.. he was still in his teens?  Oh, when so young, I can see that. Curious, young minded. ( Hope he's grown up now!). As for me?  Don't think that would bother

How are you feeling about this? What questions do you have, for him?

I think those are the questions to be focusing on right now, rather than wondering if a random internet dude like me has paid for sex or not, and how that information lands with random dudettes. 

How'd this come up, anyhow? Were you asking about his sexual history? Or did he feel he needed to tell you this about himself? 

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Interesting thing to admit 2 months in...

I get why you would want other peoples opinions but like Blue mentioned this is for you to decide.  I see it as you want to continue seeing him and would like some reassurances that you are doing the right thing.  Am I close?   If it was a solid dealbreaker he would be gone and you would be posting how disappointed you are that you had to cut him loose because of this. 

For the record the answer from me is no I have never paid for sex. Reason?  Never was so desperate that it sounded like a good idea I guess not to mention I like my junk the way it is and wouldn't want to risk it.

  I am curious too how this came up and I would really want to know why he felt the need to tell you.  I am kind of concerned this is the smallest skeleton in his closet and he was testing the waters on how you would react.  

 Either way in my opinion you now have plenty of cause to ask more questions.  

 

Lost

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Agree. 2 mos in and allegedly 10 years ago, it's an odd "getting to know you" conversation. At 8 weeks dating, if it haunts you or feel you're going to look over your shoulder, it may be best to consider cutting your losses.

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Thank you guys!

I know I should make up my own mind about this. But I just want to know if it's a red flag. Or is it more common then I think?

We were chatting about lots of things that night and we just happen to come on the subject of first times etc. Then he turned red and I told him he doesn't have to share anything that he is not comfortable with yet.

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Well he was honest so there is that right?

  How common it is would depend.  Is it legal where you are?  Is the stigma on sex workers non existent?  

Have a talk with him and see if this is a pattern or a one off thing and go from there.  I am sure after you talk you will know what to do.

 

I have to give him credit, I pride myself on my honesty and I don't know if I would have dropped that bomb ever.

  Lost

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21 minutes ago, Moon River said:

But I just want to know if it's a red flag. Or is it more common then I think?

Only you can determine if it's a red flag, and how deep that color is. 

Sure, paying for sex is common. "Oldest profession in the world," and so forth. Also common? A phase of recreational cocaine use, to pick another vice-centric example that one person would be totally fine with, another would be running for the hills, and still another would be somewhere in between.

So I'd just be honest, with yourself, about how this is landing. You can ask him more questions, or not. You can decide to keep exploring and observing, or not. Two to three months is generally the time we get a little more information about someone new, and it's pretty common that not all that information lands like a warm embrace. 

For whatever it's worth, just speaking for myself? Shame is a big red flag for me, meaning I get edgy around people who carry around a lot of unprocessed shame. That's probably where I'd be hiccuping, in your shoes, and I'd want some assurance (likely gained through observation) that he wasn't too hung up on a choice he made as a teenager.

Our hangups have a way of becoming us, after all, sometimes in ways that are unbecoming. 

 

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I don't know if someone telling you something embarrassing or bad, necessarily means they're being so honest. 

There could be a seed of truth. To see how a person reacts. But the actual truth is much worse.  Maybe he really sees prostitutes regularly, when he doesn't have a partner or if that partner is unavailable. He may not see this as a problem- for him, personally, but he knows it's not cool with others.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

I judge this pretty harshly from a moral perspective, especially as it is abusive to the sex workers.  Let alone diseases, drug use, and whatever else is involved; I have a different perspective of sex,what it means, who with matters, situation matters.

 

Edited by Lambert
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There are just some things I'd rather not know about my partners past.  Having sex with a prostitute once 10 years ago is information I don't need to know.  Am  I ok with it?  No.  But he was likely an entirely different person 10 years ago and it has no bearing on me or our current situation.  If it were more recent and more than once, that would make a difference.

What does bother me here is what exactly motivated him to tell you?  And is there more to this admission?  That's the part I would want to know.  It just has a weird feel to it and that's what brought you here.  I think you should follow your gut and ask him some more questions about this.   

I just get that 'where there is smoke, there is fire' feelin' I think you do too or you wouldn't be here asking.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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As mentioned, he said 10 yrs ago.. he was still in his teens?  Oh, when so young, I can see that.

Curious, young minded. ( Hope he's grown up now!).

As for me?  Don't think that would bother me too much- MANY people have a colourful past.

But yeah, i wonder why he decided to tell you this?  Especially after only 2 mos...

I would much rather not want to have been told that.

Now, you want to inquire more on this?  Your choice.. Do you really need to know? lol

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Hahaha omy yes you're so right. Do I really need to know?Probably only makes things worse.

I think he told me cause he felt comfortable to tell me. But for some reason a lot of people tell me secrets. I think I come across as someone that will not judge anybody (which I try, but I'm also only human😂)

Anyways, I do want to know if it was also recent. And if he did it while in a relationship. Not sure if he will answer honest though. Don't think so, why would he?

Actually I'm glad he told me this now and not 4 years in. 

I think you're right. Some things are better not said. 

 

Edited by Moon River
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6 minutes ago, Moon River said:

 

Anyways, I do want to know if it was also recent. And if he did it while in a relationship. Not sure if he will answer honest though. Don't think so, why would he?

Actually I'm glad he told me this now and not 4 years in. 

I think you're right. Some things are better not said. 

 

Sounds like you have a good handle on this.  Good luck!

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13 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

As mentioned, he said 10 yrs ago.. he was still in his teens?  Oh, when so young, I can see that.

Curious, young minded. ( Hope he's grown up now!).

As for me?  Don't think that would bother me too much- MANY people have a colourful past.

But yeah, i wonder why he decided to tell you this?  Especially after only 2 mos...

I would much rather not want to have been told that.

Now, you want to inquire more on this?  Your choice.. Do you really need to know? lol

 

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

There are just some things I'd rather not know about my partners past.  Having sex with a prostitute once 10 years ago is information I don't need to know.  Am  I ok with it?  No.  But he was likely an entirely different person 10 years ago and it has no bearing on me or our current situation.  If it were more recent and more than once, that would make a difference.

What does bother me here is what exactly motivated him to tell you?  And is there more to this admission?  That's the part I would want to know.  It just has a weird feel to it and that's what brought you here.  I think you should follow your gut and ask him some more questions about this.   

I just get that 'where there is smoke, there is fire' feelin' I think you do too or you wouldn't be here asking.

 

Exactly, some information just gets in your head and you see the person differently than before. I think he wanted to be honest when I asked him about his virginity etc. We really have a good connection and started to look like this "head over heals" couple. So to me he seems like an honest guy who tried to tell something he is ashamed for (because there's a stigma around it although lots of people pay for sex). Ofcourse he knows that I would not be "happy" to hear it. I don't get the feeling that "where there is smoke, there is fire", although I might be wrong. 

But yeah, I need to decide for myself if I can get it over with. Thanks you all for your help, it really gave me good insight.

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Why did he go to a hooker? Did he lose his virginity to her?

I think for me, the why..would be the most important question. Like for instance, was he a shy person, didn't date a lot because of that? Wanted experience but had little choices due to his shyness? Or was he just a dirty kind of guy who enjoyed dirty women?

The first reasons might be more understandable than the second answer...you know what I mean? 

I am also wondering why he told you, especially if it was that long ago. I would wonder if he was trying to gauge your reaction, to see if he could bring more of his past behavior into his current situation with you? ie: You and he and a hooker for a threesome? Or him admitting to you one day that he wants to still be able to see a hooker now and then?

So there are a lot of questions I would personally want answered if I were in your situation when trying to sort out if it was worth it to continue with this man, or not.

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2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Why did he go to a hooker? Did he lose his virginity to her?

I think for me, the why..would be the most important question. Like for instance, was he a shy person, didn't date a lot because of that? Wanted experience but had little choices due to his shyness? Or was he just a dirty kind of guy who enjoyed dirty women?

The first reasons might be more understandable than the second answer...you know what I mean? 

I am also wondering why he told you, especially if it was that long ago. I would wonder if he was trying to gauge your reaction, to see if he could bring more of his past behavior into his current situation with you? ie: You and he and a hooker for a threesome? Or him admitting to you one day that he wants to still be able to see a hooker now and then?

So there are a lot of questions I would personally want answered if I were in your situation when trying to sort out if it was worth it to continue with this man, or not.

Definitely, it does make a difference in how he sees this and if it was a one time thing or more.

Those questions also play up in my mind. Why did he tell me? Cause there's gonna be even worse things?? Or just because he trusts me and want to be honest? I hope I get an honest answer though on my questions. 

I'm going to ask today, so wish me luck 😂

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45 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would want to know if he's been a repeat customer over the years since then. 

Me too! I hope he answers honest though. It's been a week since we've seen eachother, so if I'm going to start this topic again, he knows it's been on my mind (what did he think?) and probably knows he needs to be careful with his answers if he doesn't want me to go. But I also don't want to be a prude. He's a great guy, I really like lots of things about him and we have a good connection. Also a lot of men pay for sex but probably would never tell. Could be that I stop dating him because of this and the next guy also done it but I never find out. 

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9 hours ago, Moon River said:

 I asked him about his virginity etc. 

Ok. That conversation led to this information that you can't unhear.

Why would you embark on this kind of TMI conversation with basically a stranger? 

It would be more important to know more recent info such as seeing others, recent break-ups, contact with exes, kids, marital status, etc.

It's doubtful that you see him in the same light now.

It's not about how common or acceptable it is. It's about can you live with it?

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3 minutes ago, Moon River said:

. Isn't it normal to talk about personal things when you meet someone new? Like this deep night conversations? 

No. Truth or dare games about virginity are for teenagers and slumber parties.

Ask what's important. Not nonsense from puberty.

Sorry to say but this isn't going to work out for you. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Haha, ok well but its a strange cause I have never experienced anything different. All my exes asked me this. It's pretty normal here. Maybe a cultural thing? 

I also wanted to ask you: if I know its super common but guys never tell it, then I know that the changes are high that a next boyfriend done it too. I'm not going to ask anymore ofc, learned my lesson. But then it doesn't make much of a difference. If you guys say "no it's not common, would never do it cause blabla"  then I know where to stand. Do I make sense? 

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16 hours ago, Moon River said:

In an honest night time conversation he told me his first time was with a prostitute/sex worker which was 10 yrs ago.

This happened ten years ago.

 

3 hours ago, Moon River said:

he knows it's been on my mind (what did he think?) and probably knows he needs to be careful with his answers if he doesn't want me to go.

Be thankful that he is revealing himself to you. Having to be careful whenever you want to share something personal to someone you care about is not a nice place to be in. Wouldn't you agree?

Let him reveal himself to you, get to know him for who he is and then assess whether you guys are suitable.

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23 minutes ago, Moon River said:

All my exes asked me this.

Ok. Never answer questions like that. Discuss appropriate adult present topics such as recent exes, general relationship history, were they married, living with someone, have kids, etc. Do Not Discuss your prior sexual history. As to your survey question about how "common" it is, who knows. 

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14 minutes ago, greendots said:

This happened ten years ago.

 

Be thankful that he is revealing himself to you. Having to be careful whenever you want to share something personal to someone you care about is not a nice place to be in. Wouldn't you agree?

Let him reveal himself to you, get to know him for who he is and then assess whether you guys are suitable.

Yes, but I'm not sure it happened more. Would it bother you if someone you're with paid for sex in the past? 

You're right! I will take your advise and see how it goes.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Never answer questions like that. Discuss appropriate adult present topics such as recent exes, general relationship history, were they married, living with someone, have kids, etc. Do Not Discuss your prior sexual history. As to your survey question about how "common" it is, who knows. 

But I'm not that old to ask those kind of questions 😂 I will take your advise and keep sexual things private (which I do) it's the guys that usually spill everything out. 

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