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5 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I agree. I do need to find distractions. I’ve gotten better about it but it still isn’t great. I keep myself super busy so I don’t think about it but they end up messaging me and I end up replying. Should I just block them and not talk to them at all? 

Well no that is not trying -that's being passive.  "end up" - you don't end up anything.  You choose to react to your feelings with an inappropriate choice.  Take responsibility.  Without taking responsibility and doing the whole ""end up" etc you're not taking action.  It's not about not thinking about it - you can't stop your thoughts but you can control your reaction.  Of course you should block them if right now you're making the choice to behave inappropriately.  Just like people who want to strictly diet make sure there are no trigger foods in the house. 

 

To add -I think it's wonderful and even important to have close friends whether men or women.  I've had close male friends for about the last 40 years including when I was in a relationship, including now that I am married.  But I'm not using them for attention -we're friends, we talk, we share stuff, some I've been friendly with for over 20 years. My husband has female friends.  Platonic.  He has for years too.  Completely appropriate.  I love that we have close friends outside of our marriage -it enhances our lives, enhances our marriage.  I don't like the whole distrust of being friends with someone just based on gender. But you're not looking for friends - you're looking for attention, male attention.  That's not being the person's friend at all. 

That's like one of my former friends who went MIA last fall (we used to text and talk and see each other -well that was pre-covid - and she stopped being in touch with me)- we're still facebook friends and when she posts it's often photos of herself and/or her pets, which I guess we're supposed to "like".  And she responds to all of the obligatory "gorgeous" and the like comments with thanks -she basks in it, she loves it.  I haven't unfriended her but am getting to that place.  The attention seeking is unattractive and nauseating.

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How about this. Instead of waiting for social interaction you initiate it?  Reach out to some of your female friends every once in a while. It would seem these men contact you more often so

See all of that is why I love not having social media ❤️ Less drama. (I see Wiseman was confused by my reaction  I mean less drama in that not seeing the extremist post to begin with, and not hav

I agree and it took me being honest with myself to even realize I was doing this. That in itself is a hard thing to do. But I’m taking steps to changing it and growing as a person from it. 

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well no that is not trying -that's being passive.  "end up" - you don't end up anything.  You choose to react to your feelings with an inappropriate choice.  Take responsibility.  Without taking responsibility and doing the whole ""end up" etc you're not taking action.  It's not about not thinking about it - you can't stop your thoughts but you can control your reaction.  Of course you should block them if right now you're making the choice to behave inappropriately.  Just like people who want to strictly diet make sure there are no trigger foods in the house. 

 

To add -I think it's wonderful and even important to have close friends whether men or women.  I've had close male friends for about the last 40 years including when I was in a relationship, including now that I am married.  But I'm not using them for attention -we're friends, we talk, we share stuff, some I've been friendly with for over 20 years. My husband has female friends.  Platonic.  He has for years too.  Completely appropriate.  I love that we have close friends outside of our marriage -it enhances our lives, enhances our marriage.  I don't like the whole distrust of being friends with someone just based on gender. But you're not looking for friends - you're looking for attention, male attention.  That's not being the person's friend at all. 

That's like one of my former friends who went MIA last fall (we used to text and talk and see each other -well that was pre-covid - and she stopped being in touch with me)- we're still facebook friends and when she posts it's often photos of herself and/or her pets, which I guess we're supposed to "like".  And she responds to all of the obligatory "gorgeous" and the like comments with thanks -she basks in it, she loves it.  I haven't unfriended her but am getting to that place.  The attention seeking is unattractive and nauseating.

I understand that. I may have came off as an attention seeker initially but that’s not the person I am. I have no social media whatsoever. I’m kinda a reclusive. But I guess that’s why I like male attention, it’s easy to entertain. But I think I mostly just crave conversations and company by good friends

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6 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

They are not openly but I feel like that someone has to like me in that way it keep talking to me. Idk. Other mental issues I guess

Really?!   I have male, platonic friends.  I don;t have an interest in them, and vice versa.

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2 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I have no intentions of getting with these men romantically at all. I don’t even find any of them remotely attractive. I think as someone else said, I like social interaction. I think that’s what I crave. I’m a naturally social person and enjoy talking to others. I wouldn’t call that an insecurity per se. Though I agree I need more hobbies and opportunities to spend time with family and friends. It’s just been difficult with the current state of the world. 

I didn't say you had intentions of getting romantically involved with these men.  If you need social interaction, try having either real friends or focus on your relationship and remain loyal to your boyfriend.  He's the one who has your back, loves you and devoted to you.  Therefore, give him the same respect. 

Yes, it's difficult due to the pandemic but find other healthy distractions.  How about exercise?  After exercise, you'll feel too tired to care about others which is a good thing or so I've noticed for myself.  Concentrate on your health. 

I agree, therapy will help you. 

Do you crave attention from men because you did not have a strong father figure in your life?  That's how my sister is due to her father passing away when she was 8 years old.  

I'm surrounded by men with my husband and sons.  While I do have female friends, I find it easier to get along with men because they're more straightforward and blunt in a good way.  There is some innocence about them because they don't do the "delicate dance" socially nor are they dramatic unlike some females who play the high school game all over again.  I find men to be less complicated in general and more simple.  Granted, I know there are tricky men out there.  However, I'm pertaining my topic to men in general within my sphere. 

I wouldn't know what to do with a daughter.  Texting my husband and sons is so easy minus the sugary, syrupy sweet niceties I must engage in with my mother, sister, SIL (sister-in-law), MIL (mother-in-law) and some female friends.  I can skip all those steps with men.

Even though your boyfriend knows about your texting, it's disrespectful to him.  How would you feel if he craved attention from only females and addicted to texting and corresponding with females quite regularly and frequently?  I doubt you'd like it.  Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes.  Don't you think you both deserve each other's loyalty and devotion even when your backs are turned?  That's what real love is.  Real love, devotion and loyalty is when you trust each other unequivocally even when no one is looking over your shoulder.  It goes without saying.    Show respect to your boyfriend. 

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2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I didn't say you had intentions of getting romantically involved with these men.  If you need social interaction, try having either real friends or focus on your relationship and remain loyal to your boyfriend.  He's the one who has your back, loves you and devoted to you.  Therefore, give him the same respect. 

Yes, it's difficult due to the pandemic but find other healthy distractions.  How about exercise?  After exercise, you'll feel too tired to care about others which is a good thing or so I've noticed for myself.  Concentrate on your health. 

I agree, therapy will help you. 

Do you crave attention from men because you did not have a strong father figure in your life?  That's how my sister is due to her father passing away when she was 8 years old.  

I'm surrounded by men with my husband and sons.  While I do have female friends, I find it easier to get along with men because they're more straightforward and blunt in a good way.  There is some innocence about them because they don't do the "delicate dance" socially nor are they dramatic unlike some females who play the high school game all over again.  I find men to be less complicated in general and more simple.  Granted, I know there are tricky men out there.  However, I'm pertaining my topic to men in general within my sphere. 

I wouldn't know what to do with a daughter.  Texting my husband and sons is so easy minus the sugary, syrupy sweet niceties I must engage in with my mother, sister, SIL (sister-in-law), MIL (mother-in-law) and some female friends.  I can skip all those steps with men.

Even though your boyfriend knows about your texting, it's disrespectful to him.  How would you feel if he craved attention from only females and addicted to texting and corresponding with females quite regularly and frequently?  I doubt you'd like it.  Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes.  Don't you think you both deserve each other's loyalty and devotion even when your backs are turned?  That's what real love is.  Real love, devotion and loyalty is when you trust each other unequivocally even when no one is looking over your shoulder.  It goes without saying.    Show respect to your boyfriend. 

I think I said it as if I was having mini affairs without my partner’s knowledge. We are very open and honest with each other. He’s fully aware of my issues and knows that I’m getting help. I’ve been going to therapy now and I’ve seen a huge improvement in this particular thing ( and he has too). I think he appreciates my progress while understanding my history/trauma. I understand what you mean though. He stems from underlying issues which he knows about. I think the most disrespectful thing I could do is lie to him and tell him I’m not struggling with it anymore. 

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1 hour ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I also have male friends where the relationship is extremely platonic. So that does exist for me. 

So what's different about these other guys?

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2 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I think I said it as if I was having mini affairs without my partner’s knowledge. We are very open and honest with each other. He’s fully aware of my issues and knows that I’m getting help. I’ve been going to therapy now and I’ve seen a huge improvement in this particular thing ( and he has too). I think he appreciates my progress while understanding my history/trauma. I understand what you mean though. He stems from underlying issues which he knows about. I think the most disrespectful thing I could do is lie to him and tell him I’m not struggling with it anymore. 

It's good that you're seeking professional help such as a therapist, counselor or psychologist. 

Do your underlying issues include not having a strong father figure in your life?  Do you need to seek approval and / or attention from men in order to fill your void?  

Disrespect is many things other than lying and denying your struggles.  Disrespect is also paying attention to distractions such as texting males when you supposedly have a great boyfriend already.  Disrespect is disloyalty, insincere behaviors and corresponding with males when your boyfriend is not enough for you. 

Disrespect is treating your boyfriend how you wouldn't appreciate being treated such as your boyfriend being addicted and craving females despite having you as his girlfriend.  How would that make you feel?  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

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38 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Disrespect is many things other than lying and denying your struggles.  Disrespect is also paying attention to distractions such as texting males when you supposedly have a great boyfriend already.  Disrespect is disloyalty, insincere behaviors and corresponding with males when your boyfriend is not enough for you. 

Disrespect is treating your boyfriend how you wouldn't appreciate being treated such as your boyfriend being addicted and craving females despite having you as his girlfriend.  How would that make you feel? 

  Exactly.

5 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I may have came off as an attention seeker initially but that’s not the person I am. I have no social media whatsoever. I’m kinda a reclusive. But I guess that’s why I like male attention

I think you have to get real about the fact that you are an attention seeker, and you behave the way that you do because you want to encourage people to pay attention to you. It has absolutely nothing to do with social media. 

12 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I constantly crave male attention

 

 

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5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

It's good that you're seeking professional help such as a therapist, counselor or psychologist. 

Do your underlying issues include not having a strong father figure in your life?  Do you need to seek approval and / or attention from men in order to fill your void?  

Disrespect is many things other than lying and denying your struggles.  Disrespect is also paying attention to distractions such as texting males when you supposedly have a great boyfriend already.  Disrespect is disloyalty, insincere behaviors and corresponding with males when your boyfriend is not enough for you. 

Disrespect is treating your boyfriend how you wouldn't appreciate being treated such as your boyfriend being addicted and craving females despite having you as his girlfriend.  How would that make you feel?  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

I think after going through the thread that it’s been established that it isn’t just about male attention as I initially though. That’s because it’s the most common attention I get. I would be just as happy if a female companion messaged me but it’s just not as common. I still wouldn’t call that attention seeking because I’m not going out of my way to get it. I just want good company at the end of the day. Or good friendship. 
 

@Jibralta @Hollyj I know my situation better than anyone here and I only used like 5 sentences to describe the full extent of a complex situation. It may seem like I’m disrespecting my partner but he’s super understanding about it and supportive. I’m also seeing a therapist about it, which has helped a lot. So I’ll stick to doing what my therapist says. I was here looking if this is something a lot of people struggle with. I got my answer... no. 

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12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

OK, but I don't give out my personal phone number to coworkers or classmates unless they are personal friends.

Disagree. Professionals need to network. Men and women. That network typically consists of classmates, co-workers, etc.

Isolating oneself because of a jealous controlling BF/GF, is a huge mistake 

Everyone knows it's who you know, when it comes to getting jobs. Often that starts in college/grad school.

In fact I would recommend she add all these people to her LinkedIn contacts as well as get rid of this undermining BF.

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I'm glad you are seeking therapy.  Attention-seeking behaviors are common and I am sure people can relate.  I don't think it's complex at all to make a choice to change your habit that is unhealthy.  I'd do that first- and delve into the potentially complicated reasons as to why you made these poor choices after - basically fake it till you make it. Just like someone who is disciplined about diet or exercise makes the healthful choice despite wanting to -or having strong urges to do -otherwise.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad you are seeking therapy.  Attention-seeking behaviors are common and I am sure people can relate.  I don't think it's complex at all to make a choice to change your habit that is unhealthy.  I'd do that first- and delve into the potentially complicated reasons as to why you made these poor choices after - basically fake it till you make it. Just like someone who is disciplined about diet or exercise makes the healthful choice despite wanting to -or having strong urges to do -otherwise.

I agree and it took me being honest with myself to even realize I was doing this. That in itself is a hard thing to do. But I’m taking steps to changing it and growing as a person from it. 

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How about this.

Instead of waiting for social interaction you initiate it?  Reach out to some of your female friends every once in a while.

It would seem these men contact you more often so that is what you feel as making you want it.  Nourishing other real friendships would be a good way to expand a healthy social circle.  These men are no more than acquaintances and coworkers/admirers. 

 Send a few "HI, how have you been" texts out today to some female friends and see what happens.

I imagine the pandemic may have exasperated these feelings you have so be mindful of that as well.

  Lost

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28 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

How about this.

Instead of waiting for social interaction you initiate it?  Reach out to some of your female friends every once in a while.

It would seem these men contact you more often so that is what you feel as making you want it.  Nourishing other real friendships would be a good way to expand a healthy social circle.  These men are no more than acquaintances and coworkers/admirers. 

 Send a few "HI, how have you been" texts out today to some female friends and see what happens.

I imagine the pandemic may have exasperated these feelings you have so be mindful of that as well.

  Lost

That’s a great idea! I should definitely do that today! Thank you. I also think the pandemic has had a huge impact on that as well. 

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11 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I think after going through the thread that it’s been established that it isn’t just about male attention as I initially though. That’s because it’s the most common attention I get. I would be just as happy if a female companion messaged me but it’s just not as common. I still wouldn’t call that attention seeking because I’m not going out of my way to get it. I just want good company at the end of the day. Or good friendship. 
 

@Jibralta @Hollyj I know my situation better than anyone here and I only used like 5 sentences to describe the full extent of a complex situation. It may seem like I’m disrespecting my partner but he’s super understanding about it and supportive. I’m also seeing a therapist about it, which has helped a lot. So I’ll stick to doing what my therapist says. I was here looking if this is something a lot of people struggle with. I got my answer... no. 

Since you'll be just as happy if a female companion messaged you, then initiate correspondence with female companions.  If you don't have any, you have to start somewhere such as beginning with acquaintances and build friendships from there. 

Even though your partner knows that you enjoy male attention from texting or messaging, think how you would feel if your partner enjoyed consistent and frequent female attention.  Will you feel so understanding and supportive toward him?  Would you like it?  Would you appreciate it? 

What does your professional therapist say? 

To answer your question, the reason why I do not need attention whether male or female is because I feel secure.  I feel secure with the life I have, my dear husband, great sons, economically stable, settled and set life in the suburbs.  All of my needs are met and there is no void to fill. 

Perhaps you enjoy the thrill of frequent correspondence and perhaps you are bored especially during this pandemic.  Nonetheless, think how you would feel if your partner needed attention from others especially females because you were not sufficient enough for him and despite him telling you what he is doing.  I highly doubt you'd feel 100% comfortable if he would make it "fair" and do this to you, too. 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Just wanted to say that, since posting this, reading all the comments, and speaking to a therapist, I have been able to not be dependent on male attention anymore. I don’t want it in the same way I did before. It’s nice to receive compliments but I don’t dwell. I don’t talk to any men anymore unless it’s for work or school and other than my partner.

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On 1/21/2021 at 6:54 PM, ForeverLearning said:

I’m also the complete opposite of your sister, I’d say. I don’t have any form of social media. I keep to myself except for very few select people. Maybe that’s why I find it difficult to make friends. I hate being the center of attention but I do enjoy good company. 

Not having social media and not being able to make friends are not related.  Many of us do not have social media.   I think you should address how you are coming across to people and how you are as a friend.

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1 minute ago, Hollyj said:

Not having social media and not being able to make friends are not related.  Many of us do not have social media.   I think you should address how you are coming across to people and how you are as a friend.

Read my post one up. Not really an issue anymore. 

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12 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I just hope that you are making female friends and meeting them in  person, not just via social media.  

Yep I have. It’s just extremely hard with the pandemic because not everyone is comfortable meeting in person. But I’ve joined in person group and exercises classes for women that keep my very busy now. I’m priorities are completely different.

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