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HELP...concerned about cheating cousin


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My cousin and her husband have been married about 7 years. Last year her husband got in to a terrible car accident and now has a head injury. My cousin hasnt been happy in her marriage a "long" time and she has been going out with another man for 2 years. I work with my cousin and she is spreading lies about her husband at our place of employment. Co workers have been telling me all kinds of stuff she has been saying/ doing and I am just disgusted by her actions. I think her husband deserves to know. My cousin and I have been arguing about this because we have different opinions. Apparently her counselor told her not to tell her husband about her infidelity because of his brain injury and it might cause him to commit suicide. I am miserable holding this secret in from him because he is a great person. Please tell me what I should do...Im about to break. Also our entire family knows shes cheating on this man. PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU HELP ME!!!

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1 hour ago, lizrr said:

. Apparently her counselor told her not to tell her husband about her infidelity because of his brain injury and it might cause him to commit suicide. 

It's best to stay out of it. Shut down any conversations with her or office hearsay and gossip.

No matter how angry you are with her, it's not your job to tell her husband. That's her job.

Don't make thier tragedy, poor marriage or thier personal problems your mission. Stay in your own lane. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's best to stay out of it. Shut down any conversations with her or office hearsay and gossip.

No matter how angry you are with her, it's not your job to tell her husband. That's her job.

Don't make thier tragedy, poor marriage or thier personal problems your mission. Stay in your own lane. 

I agree with Wiseman.  Also you just never know what on earth is truly going on.

A lot of TBI's (traumatic brain injuries) result in the person's personality dramatically changing... it's not uncommon for them to be abusive (verbally/emotionally and even physically).

Not that any of that excuses her having an affair, but you don't know what's really going on behind closed doors after something dramatic like that.

If I were in your shoes... I think I'd stay clear away from her and her gossip/slander etc.  Try to stay out of it 100% and just watch and wait for what will eventually happen.

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This sounds disturbing and I'm sorry.

I think you should seek counseling because the burden of this is too much for one person looking in to shoulder. Don't bottle this up. It's clear you're very bothered and very upset. Please don't bottle this up. Seek professional counselling or therapy for this so you have a safe place to talk and gain some insight into your own emotions and thoughts. 

It's just the first step but definitely don't bottle this. 

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Rather than getting involved in a "Don't shoot the messenger" situation, you're better off staying out of it.  In scenarios such as this, you have a chance of becoming the enemy, where the other person comes out smelling like a rose.

Another way to look at is, give her enough rope and she'll hang herself.

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I always thought in a situation like this it would be better to pressure the cheater to come clean. 
 

But now it occurs that if they’re cheating they already possess a degree of self involvement and selfishness and they may not oblige to do the reasonable thing of coming clean to their partner. 
 

But between reading comments on the chumplady’s site and my own experiences, I think the one being cheated on needs to know. They’re no longer able to give informed consent because they don’t know all the details of their partner’s sexual life and every day they spend committed to a lie is a day kind of wasted.  
 

Try appealing to your cousin’s better nature first and see if they’ll tell. If not find proof and bring this guy into the loop. (And yep shooting the messenger is both possible and probable. That’s why you need proof) 

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I have a cousin with major, insurmountable personal problems galore.  However, I stay out of it and steer clear of other people's lives.  Don't get involved.  It's not your problem and never entangle yourself so it becomes your problem!  Mind your own business.

Your cousin's marriage and whatever she needs to deal with is her life,  NOT yours.  Enforce healthy boundaries with others.  Never meddle.

When it comes to people, remember this:  "You've made your bed and now you must lie in it" as my mother used to say.  People are responsible for their choices, have to live with it and deal with their harsh consequences because that's life!

I had to learn this very harsh lesson the hard way.  Long ago, I was in hero mode.  I tried to help my cousin and her wretched marriage, tried to help my neighbor who was married to an alcoholic and even tried to help my sister who is married to a jerk; all to no avail.  It was nothing but efforts in futility.  I've since learned to only have compassion and prayers for people.  I care but I know my realistic limits.  They've made their choices and they need to take care of their own lives.  I've got nothing to do with it.  I no longer get roped into other people's personal lives.  I stay out of it for my own safety and protection!  Never get personal with people. 

I was gaslighted to death and regretted ever "helping" others.  Never again.  Live and learn. ☹️

Your intentions are good.  However, beware of disastrous results if you forget to remember your place.  Better safe than sorry.

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Thank you all you helped me so much. I decided I wasnt gonna say anything and I just told her that when this comes out hopefully it doesn't cause her husbands suicide...Also that I dont want to talk to her or hear any more about it. 

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On 1/22/2021 at 2:34 PM, lizrr said:

Thank you all you helped me so much. I decided I wasnt gonna say anything and I just told her that when this comes out hopefully it doesn't cause her husbands suicide...Also that I dont want to talk to her or hear any more about it. 

Good choice. I think you understand that the good folks here are not being cavalier or dismissive by saying that it's not your business. That doesn't have to mean that you don't care, but rather, it makes no sense to create 'unintended consequences' with your own reaction to rumors.

Best to tell people at work that discussion of your cousin is off limits.

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On 1/22/2021 at 11:34 AM, lizrr said:

Thank you all you helped me so much. I decided I wasn't gonna say anything and I just told her that when this comes out hopefully it doesn't cause her husbands suicide...Also that I don't want to talk to her or hear any more about it. 

Don't say anything.  Stay out of it and don't get involved.  You can't fix people.  People are responsible for their own lives. 

Never comment and if you need to, change the subject.  Eventually, she'll get the message that her personal life is just that ~ personal and should remain there. 

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The OP already said she's not going to say anything a week ago.  " I decided I wasnt gonna say anything and I just told her that when this comes out hopefully it doesn't cause her husbands suicide...Also that I dont want to talk to her or hear any more about it."

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