Any chance my ex would be willing to try again?

[JL4011 0]

Any hope after 1 year and 2 months?

 

We were a LDR (4,200 miles). Was in NC for the first 6 months then my coach said I needed to have intermittent contact. So every month or so after I would send a message. It would be short, polite conversations but didn't go anywhere. 

About 2 months ago I just stopped trying and went back into no contact mostly out of frustration and loss of hope. 

Now, as I said before, we were long distance. We met while I was temporarily oversees. I was planning to move permanently before we got together, but at the time, my job was temporary. I ended up having to go back after we got together. 

After dealing with the Immigration Department since I was there in the first place and the Corona rules shortly after leaving; I have finally been able to move and just came back.

Super excited, love this country, and I have a once in a lifetime job. Just got here a week ago and couldn't be happier with my life/situation.

That said she is only an hour away. She has been watching my stories on Instagram but hasn't said anything. She follows over 1,000 people, but watches my stories really quick (as in a minute or two, don't know if that carries any weight though).  If she's still single, do you think there's any chance left?

I'll also mention that I have no idea if she's with anyone else now, but there are some questions about that. She disappeared off Tinder (she was on since we broke up until a couple weeks ago). We also still follow each other on Spotify and she made a new playlist called "✨ You and I ✨".... I am on the fence about whether or not that is an indication of someone new though. The first song is litterally "You and I" by LEON so it's also possible she just named it that because of the song🤷🏻‍♂️

Either way, I am ready to start dating again and have been on Tinder to at least get back into it even if I don't get a relationship on the app. If it means finding someone else, I am totally ready for that and, honestly, have been trying to meet someone else for quite some time now.

That said, we really did have something special and, if distance wasn't a factor, we would've definitely been really great together. If there's a chance, I am willing to put effort into it again because it would suck to lose that potential if there's a shot. If  there's no chance or she's with someone new, I'm pretty much over going through "what ifs" and just want to put it behind me with someone else.

Any thoughts on it? You think that playlist is for that "special someone"?  Any significance in her watching my stuff that quick?

Edited January 20 by JL4011
More info

[DancingFool 2,243]

I mean the only way to find out is to actually reach out and talk to her, right?

Don't try to read tea leaves, just be direct and ask for what you want. Rejection might sting, but as you admit yourself, you are at a point where you can accept the outcome either way because you don't want to keep sitting in limbo and uncertainty, forever wondering "what if". So grab the bull by the horns and just deal with it. Good answer or bad, it will free you from the torture of "what if". In short, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by simply talking to her.

[boltnrun 2,390]

Who is this "coach"?  Hopefully not a dating coach, those are a waste of money.

That being said, why not reach out?  Tell her you live an hour away and ask to meet up for a nice walk or an outdoor coffee and dessert.  Worst thing she can say is "no thanks" and you'll be no worse off than you are right now.

[JL4011 0]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Who is this "coach"?  Hopefully not a dating coach, those are a waste of money.

That being said, why not reach out?  Tell her you live an hour away and ask to meet up for a nice walk or an outdoor coffee and dessert.  Worst thing she can say is "no thanks" and you'll be no worse off than you are right now.

Should have worded it better. By coach, I meant lifestyle counselor. I do have alot going on professionally. I work in international sales for a medical equipment manufacturer right now. In addition to that, I do currency trading on the US and European markets and deal with several brokers..... Yeah, I have a lifestyle coach/counselor so I don't work myself to the grave😅 But since that is a stressor, we do talk about my ex sometimes.

Edited January 20 by JL4011
Messed up words

[Wiseman2 3,967]

Since you love your new location and job, start fresh. It seems this situation has expired.

[MissCanuck 1,639]

13 hours ago, JL4011 said:

Any thoughts on it? You think that playlist is for that "special someone"?  Any significance in her watching my stuff that quick?

You're going to get a mixed bag of responses, because none of us can say with any certainty if these things mean anything. 

The only way you're going to get a real answer is by reaching out to her. See if she's open to catching up. That will tell you what you need to know regarding her current relationship status. 

[lostandhurt 1,348]

What do you have to lose?  If you have her number call her.  You are back and only an hour away so call her and ask her out.

What is the worst thing that can happen?  She tells you no?  She has a bf?

The worst thing would to live with the what if's and the regrets of not being brave and hitting that button on your phone.

Don't be a chicken, DO IT TODAY!  Don't let the fear of what might happen stop you from finding out what will happen. 

  She is not a horrible person that will berate you or make you feel bad right?  If she is not interested she will let you down easy.  It might sting a little but you will be fine and then can go from there with no regrets.

  Let us know how it goes

  Lost 

[catfeeder 2,227]

You're asking strangers to read tea leaves about her online behavior rather than telling us how long you were together, how often you saw one another, and the reason she broke up with you.

If you  give some details, you might get better responses.

Good luck!

[Wiseman2 3,967]

LDRs especially this distance and cultural issues rarely work out.

Reflect on why you are avoiding more viable relationships..

[JL4011 0]

On 1/24/2021 at 3:55 AM, catfeeder said:

You're asking strangers to read tea leaves about her online behavior rather than telling us how long you were together, how often you saw one another, and the reason she broke up with you.

If you  give some details, you might get better responses.

Good luck!

Fair enough. Honestly, there's alot to type out so I didn't. I'll give some background and an update.

 

So we met in March of 2019. I was an American Marine and came here for part of a joint military training exercise with the military out here. I was about to be permanently stationed in Germany after my time here (different EU/EEA country) and was planning on staying in the military for a full career. My paperwork for reenlistment got messed up during the deployment (I was doing an interservice transfer to the Army's 10th SFG) so I had to get out, but I still wanted to move to the Schengen area. We had already been talking platonically since I had arrived, but after I told her it escalated. 

 

We were officially together from March to June 2019 until we broke up, but we still talked/dated after until July. I had to do a month long assignment outside of the EU and the night I got back we got into a fight and stopped talking. The day after the fight, I ran into her in town with one of my friends and we did the in person breakup thing. 

 

Fast forward to September 2019, I was about to go back to the US and it was my last weekend. She texted me asking if I was still moving and we had a casual conversation. Eventually though, a mutual friend said she had started dating someone but it wasn't serious because they had "just ***ed a few times." I texted her saying it wasn't heathy to talk and that I wasn't over it.

 

One week after that, I'm in the US again and she snaps me from the hospital. Apparently she got into a car accident and was messed up. I talked to her because regardless of the other dude, I loved her and wanted to make sure she was ok. A couple days after, the doctor called and said during their full body exam, they found a tumor on her ovary. At this time, a friend in the US had heard I was getting out and offered me a job at a PMC(Private Military Company) for a 6 month job in Afghanistan. I took the contract, more on that later...

 

Shortly after, she broke it off with the new guy and started planning a trip to NYC to spend a holiday with me. We kept talking and planning until the doctor came back and said it was a benign tumor. Since it wasn't cancer, I cancelled my Afghanistan contract because the only reason I took it was to help pay her cancer treatment. I told her that for the first time after and she was really emotional about it.

 

Since the contract was not a factor, I started looking for jobs and she was pushing for me to move to her town. After that didn't work, I started looking in the city about 45 minutes away from her. Magically, she starts saying she wanted to find a job and move as well.

 

At this point, I got an offer about 8 hours away in a different part of the country and we hadn't discussed our relationship officially again. I told her about the offer and asked what our future was because if we had one, I'd keep looking, but if not, I was taking the other one. She said "do what's best for you" and removed me from snap. This was November of 2019.

 

Since then, without going into the long convoluted story, coronavirus and the travel restrictions meant that I lost that job and had to take whatever I could to move to the country. Eventually I found a job here... In the original city 45 minutes away from her.

 

Currently, we haven't talked since November 7th 2020(outside of me reacting to her Instagram story last night). I moved a month ago on January 14th 2021 and she knows I did. She watches my stories very fast but hasn't texted me.

 

I have met/gone on dates with other women already, but none have any real chance of getting serious so far. I'm still looking and dating others, but I'm still open to another try with her before I find someone else. I do miss her, but I do have some grudges and resentment that makes it hard to make decisions on what to do(yes, I know I have to let it go if we do give it another try)

 

Really, as much as an *** thing it is to say, sex is probably the biggest issue. Even when we were talking here, the military made it impossible to see each other frequently. We were living on the same base(no, she's not military) for a week before we officially got together so I know it's a good match in person. The problem is that when we were official, we only saw eachother a few times and by the time she was ready, I was completely bogged down with military exercises until we broke up. In other words, no sex life.

 

The fact she was sleeping with that dude less than a month after we stopped talking pisses me off because of that, not going to lie. Same with the other people she's probably slept with from November 2019 until now.

 

It's a problem because obviously it will take time and work to get her back, but regardless of the emotional connection, I can't be ok with just not having any sex while I'm with her... AGAIN.

 

I love her alot and I know it wouldn't be like that if I was patient, but I assosiate her with lots of "frustration" in my head and resent the fact that I was neglected while others weren't.

 

With that, I'm torn. I love her and miss her alot, especially right now over the past couple days, but I also halfway just want to find someone new so I don't have to worry about those issues and dealing with them.

Edited February 11 by JL4011

[Rose Mosse 1,478]

Doesn't sound like she's on the same page as you nor does it read like she has any interest in pursuing a future together with you. You're barking up the wrong tree here. Time to back down slowly without breaking any bones and take a deep breath. This will pass. 

Often when dating some or most won't give you a clear sign that over is over. She's snapping or texting you because it may be a thing she does for attention. You've read it wrong. She's not interested in pursuing a future with you or turning this into anything real. 

There may have been an emotional connection at one point for the 3-4 months you were dating but it was short and brief. It reads more like a brief fling or romantic relationship where both or one of you viewed it as temporary. 

She's not being straight with you and  both of your lives are chaotic with different postings or assignments. I think it's best to take a big breath and tell yourself that this is not the end of the world. People will come and go throughout your life. This is a given and a constant. Let it be. 

Someone who wants to be with you will be there with you. You will not be guessing. 

[AutumnBorn 187]

JL, you resent her seeing other people after the break up? My advise is you should absolutely move on and consider her just another part of your past. What we do when we're not in a committed relationship is fair game and not up for debate. Besides, she can't undo anything and you've more or less said that the idea of her having been with someone else is too much for you.

 

I say this with both your and her interests in mind: It's likely your resentment would lead to contempt and the one thing that's absolutely impossible to overcome in a relationship is contempt, so getting back together and having a healthy relationship is a non-starter.

 

The thing I'm curious about is, have you not had sex with anyone since you split up?

[JL4011 0]

17 hours ago, AutumnBorn said:

JL, you resent her seeing other people after the break up? My advise is you should absolutely move on and consider her just another part of your past. What we do when we're not in a committed relationship is fair game and not up for debate. Besides, she can't undo anything and you've more or less said that the idea of her having been with someone else is too much for you.

 

I say this with both your and her interests in mind: It's likely your resentment would lead to contempt and the one thing that's absolutely impossible to overcome in a relationship is contempt, so getting back together and having a healthy relationship is a non-starter.

 

The thing I'm curious about is, have you not had sex with anyone since you split up?

It's not about seeing other people (I have as well). It's about the fact that during the relationship, I would do everything I could to see her, even though my schedule was litterally dictated by the military, but she wouldn't ever do anything inconvenient to her schedule. For example, before I left the EU for that assignment, I had 4 hours of free time before I had to be on a C130 to fly out and she said she wanted to see me before. She wasn't willing to come out to the town I was in though so I had to go to hers. I went out, got the train tickets, and traveled an hour to her town... Only for her to say she wasn't going to meet me because her parents were early coming home and she wanted to eat with them instead of in town with me. So I had to go all the way the *** back and burned my last 2 hours outside of a a ***ing warzone for the next month. Even though we were only an hour apart, it was like being long distance and we barely saw eachother and had no sex life whatsoever... Then, less than two months after we stopped talking, she met someone way further away than I was, started dating/seeing him, and did so enough to "*** a few times".

 

When you're not with someone, I get it's everyone's right to sleep with who they want, and I had a really bad period where I was rebounding. My resentment and problem is that during our relationship, I was neglected, all my attempts to see her were in vain, and the physical part of our relationship was non-existent; but the others all is fine and she's ***ing around like a goddamn rabbit.

 

But hey, happy Valentine's Day...

Edited February 14 by JL4011