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Help! Husband and I can't see eye to eye on this


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Hello everyone! I am new to the forum. After a argument/discussion last night with my husband I really needed to seek advice. I can't discuss this with anyone in my social circle as they would be bias towards my perspective on the martial issue which I will do my best to explain. 

So my husband and I have been married for almost four years. These past two years we moved from the big city into a small town about an hour outside give or take traffic consideration and driving conditions. His family all lives where we live currently and he has a job that he enjoys and makes decent enough money. I however am struggling big time finding any type of work that isn't retail or something else that I despise and on top of all that the working conditions (stuck working overnight hours) is physically and mentally taking a real toll on me.. I find I am getting so run down and my mental health has completely collapsed.. Currently we don't have any children, just a couple pets. Intially when we decided to sell our house in the city I always felt like my husband was the one who was way more excited and wanting this. He convinced me that moving to this small town would do us a lot of good and being the people pleaser and more passive person I reluctantly agreed. Looking back I never felt completely at ease about it but I saw such a positive change in my husband that I thought maybe living in a small town will be good. Now here is the kicker all my family and friends (I have quite a few friends) lived back in the city. My husband only has like one or two friends compared to me who is more social butterfly. To top that off I have no drivers license (I am working towards it) but I have anxiety disorder and it's just not working out for me.. So I am completely dependent on him for rides into the city to visit family and friends from my side. When I ask him to take me into the city half the time he complains or says he is to tired (his work makes him exhausted after, that I don't blame him for and am very understanding) so I usually end up canceling or post ponning my social plans. People come to visit me sometimes but suddenly they aren't as willing to make the hour trip or can't due to reasons of not having their own transportation available to them. So the combination of being unhappy with my job and the lack of opportunity for myself and for the work conditions I deal with (night time shift work) for the sake of better money (again something he doesn't seem to want me to "give up" because going to daytime will cut my hours which means less pay) as well as my family and friends living in the city away from me I am getting to a bad place mentally, emotionally which he brought to my attention last night. He doesn't like seeing me miserable but yet there is no willingness on his end to move back to the city in the near future even though when I agreed to move to the small town I stated "if I am very unhappy and it just doesn't work out can we move back to the city or somewhere else" she said he would be open to it and doesn't know if this will be where we lay down roots. Well I guess that changed for him once he fell in love with his job here. He isn't that open to it anymore at all which I got upset and said "so I guess either way one of us will be unhappy and be giving up living in the same place as our families" I suggested that I just grit my teeth and face my fears of highway driving and he strongly reacted that he doesn't want me to drive highways as he would worry to death about me driving them back and forth from seeing my loved ones or possibly an actual job I like but I need to do the commute. 

I am just really worried that "settling" and silently mentally suffering due to missing out on seeing my parents, siblings, friends regularly will break me to the point of no return. He doesn't seem to understand how important social gatherings and connection's are to me because we are opposite in that way, I can't seem to break it through to him. We have talked about it and I have even cried still nothing seems to change on this, he is very hell bent on living here now.

I am sorry that was so long.. I am not the best writer(out of practise) 

Any advice, help or questions are welcome 💓

 

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Sorry this is happening. You seem miserable and homesick and isolated. Stop confiding in your husband. He's selfishly happy and doesn't care.

Instead talk to trusted friends and family. Also see a doctor about the depression/anxiety. Your husband can not help you with that. 

How is the marriage overall? Are you happy otherwise?  You can make the best of it or you can consider leaving. He has his heels dug in. 

Stay with friends/family for a while. Take some sick leave or quit. Look for work in your former location.

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I suggested that I just grit my teeth and face my fears of highway driving and he strongly reacted that he doesn't want me to drive highways as he would worry to death about me driving them back and forth from seeing my loved ones or possibly an actual job I like but I need to do the commute. 

When I ask him to take me into the city half the time he complains or says he is to tired (his work makes him exhausted after,

Just reading this, it sounds like he likes keeping you isolated. He shouldn't be feeding in to your fears. He should be supporting your desire to become independent on him for transportation. Did he ever complain of you being a social butterfly when you lived by family and friends?

There are many possibilities here. Is there a town halfway between the city and town you're living in where you could both reside and have just a 30 minute commute, very doable, if your husband wants to remain in his job and you want to work in the city?

Can you go to marriage counseling, where an impartial professional could help you both understand one another better and to come to some sort of resolution?

Could you imagine a life without your husband if you two can't come up with a resolution that involves happiness for the both of you?

Acknowledge your part in the problem, that being a people pleaser becomes disastrous for yourself. That allowing your anxiety robs you of your independence as far as driving goes. When overcoming phobias, usually psychologists have their patients taking baby steps toward that goal. You might work with one to get you into the driver's seat.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

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Even if it means taking a driving lesson each day, take them.  You agreed to move there, and it's unfair you won't give it some time.  It normally takes 3 years to feel a little better wherever you move.  You both moved there for a reason, so stick it out a little longer...after you get your license.  Make some friends there whether volunteering, or going to events, classes, etc.

Your husband deserves some happiness too.  So even though you are too terrified to drive, seek a therapist, and stick to lessons no matter how scary it is.  Just like making a life with your husband in a new place, it takes time.

Edited by tattoobunnie
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I moved from the big city to a smaller city where everyone drives.  I did get my license -at age 49- but I still do not drive and am afraid to in my city.  But I can get around via walking and public transport.  I do not depend on my husband for lifts and pre covid he did drive my son certain places but just like any other parent would do.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  I moved for my husband's job, I knew this would happen way in advance so I had time to adjust.  But my question is - can you take a bus or train at least part way into the city and then maybe take uber or lyft?  I feel for you and agree with Andrina.

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1 hour ago, Mistygirl778 said:

I always felt like my husband was the one who was way more excited and wanting this. He convinced me that moving to this small town would do us a lot of good and being the people pleaser and more passive person I reluctantly agreed

What you experienced was a huge change on you. A transition often is.

You know that saying - Can take the girl from the city, but can't take the city from the girl'.

You are a city girl.. you agreed to move - more to please him?  But you didn't fancy it much.

Do you feel you have given it enough time?  It does take time to 'adjust'.. country can be very nice - quieter/calmer.

As for your license, is good to keep at that!  My son got his within a year. he was signed up, paid, did lessons & passed okay, just 4 months ago.

I am just wondering, if YOU can keep trying - many people have moved about & managed & accepted....

So, you are saying your mental health depleted since you moved?  Are your friends/family ever able to go there to see you?  Not always dependant on your hubby.

It does take TWO, yes.  Compromise from both sides. ( maybe if you are not working.. or are you?)

If not, why dont you go visit the city more.. & stay longer?

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I should also share. I grew up in New York, born and raised here, but moved down south for school, and made a life there.  Moved back to New York, and cried hysterically for 4 months.  And over time, made a life for myself, and wouldn't consider moving ever again.  I get that you miss your friends, and are hating on everything about it.  But you need to actually give it a chance.  If you hate your job that much, let him know that you need time to find something, or take a class that helps you get a job in this industry.  Or have him take you on exploring trips in surrounding towns, or go hiking, biking, local fun events.  Have him take you out for dinners in town.  Go for walks - get a DOG!  Adjusting can feel so overwhelming for a while, so just take a deep breath, and think of any positives.  If you cannot find any positives, they go find some around you.

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I see this as you trying to eat a sandwich all in one huge bite.

Can you break this down into smaller problems and then see if there is a compromise in there somewhere?

First off the driving thing. For me where I live not driving is so alien I find it hard to comprehend but I know in other places people go their whole lives without ever driving.  So if you could face your fears of driving and learn to enjoy the solitude while commuting would you be willing to commute an hour each way to work in the city?  If so then I would say getting your drivers license is your number one on your list.

Your husband would just have to accept your commuting as part of the compromise for living in the small town.

Where do you think your anxiety comes from?  How much driving have you actually done with an instructor?

In the end being miserable and just trying to survive is not healthy and will ultimately ruin the marriage.  Having a license, your own car, insurance and freedom may be the solution or may not if you trade being miserable for being terrified every time you leave for work. 

Do you think driving will be impossible for you?

  Lost     

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Take driving lessons if you need them.  Have you thought of starting your own business, perhaps online?  I've been self employed with a totally online biz for many years and would not have it any other way.

You haven't given your new home a fair chance if it's only been a year.  You need to get yourself out there, make a couple of friends.  Volunteer somewhere.

I'm from the city too and hated it, moved to the country years ago, would never live in a city.  You need to give it time.

Invite your friends and family to visit you.  Meet them half way.

 

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He does seem rather selfish. Especially the part about not wanting to forego the pay differential on the night shift. But he's not the one that has to do it. 

That would really make me mad.  It does take time to adjust to a move. And I wouldn't like feeling like I was trapped, miserable while he is so happy. I mean how can he be so happy while he watches you struggle? and offers no suggestions to help, no compromise, no concessions? must be nice to be him. 

Are there anythings about the place/situation you do like? What about him, is he worth this? serious question. 

Edited by Lambert
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My heart goes out to you. If it's any comfort, NObody is doing much socializing during this pandemic. We're doing it by phone and teleconferencing. The up side to that is, if you have a nice porch or deck, which most people in the city do NOT, you can hang out in the fresh air and have great convos with the people you love.

Also, most companies, including those in the cities, are hiring online for telecommuting work. Every new hire I've on-boarded since last February has never seen our office, and their 'commuting' location has become irrelevant. 

What is your occupation?

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