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I don't know if I'm being mental or not...


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Any advice would be appreciated!

I'm sure lockdown isn't really helping what's going on in my head (I'm sure this is the same for a lot of people!).

Anyway...

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. He officially made me his girlfriend after 8 months because he has "rules" about how long he sees someone before making it "official". Throughout our relationship we have discussed going to Australia together to live (we've both been separately). I told him I loved him in October. He told me he didn't feel the same as his scale of love is apparently much higher than most peoples - he is fond of me though (his words).

I currently rent a flat and his lease was up, so he moved in, at the end of December this was mainly discussed due to the Australia plan (you need to have lived together for at least a year for a visa). 

Anyway, he has never complimented me. And recently our sex life has gone down the pan a bit, so I asked him about what was going on. He said that he still thinks I'm attractive but he has no lustful feelings towards me - where as I do still with him.

I understand that the lustful, ripping clothes off part reduces the longer you are together, but after a year I would have thought he would still look at me and want me! He just says it's the stage we're in and women get more attracted to men the longer they are with them, while it's the opposite for men- depressing! 

I've been in longterm relationships before but with guys that were much more soppy, so they were always all over me. This guy is totally the opposite. He could go all day without touching me, and I'll have to walk to him and try and give him a kiss or a cuddle.

 

Man this message is long. 

I just don't know if I'm expecting too much!

It's also quite hard being in love with someone that doesn't love you back! 

 

 

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I'm sorry you're going through this.

And I understand with lockdown its not easy either.

How do you feel when he says these things?

And

what do you think its happening ?

And how do you feel about him? Australia aside ?

I'm not qualified but I would like to help.

To me with only knowing this part, It sounds a bit odd. I don't think the other guys you have dated are soppy, their just comfortable in expressing emotions. But I get what you mean.

It just sounds like its all very serious. If someone said those things to me I'd think they were sucking the fun out of a potential relationship.

What would you like to happen?

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You seem willing to be loving, intimate and are showing long term commitment. You’re not expecting too much to want to be treated like you’re wanted. Guys tend to be on their best behaviour while they’re chasing you and if this is the best he has, will it be enough long term? Sometimes men can have insecurities within themselves that cause them to be hesitant to raise up their partner. You could be the most perfect woman in every way but if he isn’t self aware and willing to learn how to be a better partner that’s willing to love you, moving to Australia with him might be a big mistake as you’ll be even more reliant on him in a new country. He moved in at a convenient time for him and is hesitant with decisions about your relationship. I know you might want to prove you’re enough to someone like that, especially if you’re sick of guys being all over you you might be going for the opposite of your exes. But maybe a bit too far opposite. It doesn’t sound like he’s someone that would be good to move to a new country with since you need someone that you are fully confident in with a move like that. Hope you find happiness and get someone that has no problem lifting you up and loving you

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So here's the thing -why are you tolerating someone who is dicatorial -he dictates when you two are exclusive, his standard of "love" is what rules over everything and he somehow is a unique snowflake you are so lucky to be with - do you find it exciting to constantly be on your toes trying to please him -do you feel like you won some sort of huge prize when he "made you" official?  Now he's actually speaking plainly.  He is not into you anymore.  He doesn't want you sexually, you don't meet his standards of what he wants to feel.  Again - does this kind of feel safer for you - you know this isn't forever, you know he regards you as beneath him and that he's settling for you - so you actually don't have to feel or be vulnerable with him -you get to put him on some sort of pedestal while you continuously try to win him over -is that exciting for you?

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8 hours ago, Tulula1988 said:

I understand that the lustful, ripping clothes off part reduces the longer you are together, but after a year I would have thought he would still look at me and want me!

This above^^ it's totally false!  

No, the lustful passion in a relationship should not diminish with the years carrying on.  We've known each other since 2005, been married since 2007 and we're still as crazy passionate as we were at the beginning.  It has never, "diminished," in all these years. 

If anything it may be increasing slightly....  I think you made a mistake moving in with him when he wasn't passionate about you.  

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8 hours ago, Tulula1988 said:

It's also quite hard being in love with someone that doesn't love you back! 

 

 

This one sentence you wrote is the key here don't you think? 

 You are not combatable emotionally or physically.  He seems cold and business like with his emotions and has "Rules" instead of allowing emotions and feelings to flow naturally.  Kind of robotic I guess...

 Do you see this getting better?  I sure don't.

Oh and you are certainly not being mental.  You are right to question this "relationship" because it is all one sided.

Time to take a step back and look at this as if your sister or best friend were in this situation.  What would you tell them to do?  My guess would be dump him!

  This is not the guy for you and you are surely not the girl for him.  He needs a girl that is okay with no show of love, no passion, no desire, no contact and no true connection.  

  I know it is easy for strangers to tell you to dump him but really what options do you have here?  Are you going to teach him how to love? Get him to desire you sexually? Be passionate?  Seriously you need to have the talk with him and let him know he needs to find his own place asap.

 Lost

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13 hours ago, Tulula1988 said:

 

He just says it's the stage we're in and women get more attracted to men the longer they are with them,This guy is totally the opposite. He could go all day without touching me, and I'll have to walk to him and try and give him a kiss or a cuddle. I just don't know if I'm expecting too much! It's also quite hard being in love with someone that doesn't love you back! 

 

 

You are not expecting enough.

You listed his theories and time lines. Insert an eye roll here when he's the authority on how women work.  But from where I sit he just seemed to move the goal posts every time you thought you were getting closer.

This guys intentions didn't ever appear to be in the right place.  He just dangled a carrot and kept your hopes up.  To be honest, he also didn't have to work very hard at keeping you hooked.

Next time believe you deserve better and you should never have to work this hard to get someone to love you back.

Throw this one back.

Edited by reinventmyself
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I walked away and had to come back and point out his contradiction.  

If in the beginning 8 months wasn't long enough for him to develop feelings. And then in the end you missed the window of opportunity because women develop deeper feelings as time goes on and men don't?

When exactly was he supposed to be all in?   

I call bs on this guy.  Sorry, but true.  I get the sense he just toyed with you.  But you did allow it.  

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13 hours ago, Tulula1988 said:

recently our sex life has gone down the pan a bit, so I asked him about what was going on. He said that he still thinks I'm attractive but he has no lustful feelings towards me - where as I do still with him.

- Women get more atttracted than men, over time?  News to me....

- Your sex life went down a bit.. but not all?  It is normal for things to 'calm down' some after the honeymoon phase wears off... But to admit,, 'no lustful feelings'?  Wow 😞 

He doesn't sound too promising, after just one year... ya think?

I remember a saying... 'If they don't love you within a certain time, they never will'.

He sounds off.  And odd.

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If anyone ever said these things to me, he'd be out of my life so fast, his GPS would be spinning.

Decide what kind of relationship with what kind of lover you want.

Then hold every guy up to THAT standard. If he doesn't meet it, it doesn't make him a villain, but he's not your match, and he's not worth your time.

So 'next' him, take the time you need to get over him, and you will thank yourself later.

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9 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If anyone ever said these things to me, he'd be out of my life so fast, his GPS would be spinning.

Decide what kind of relationship with what kind of lover you want.

Then hold every guy up to THAT standard. If he doesn't meet it, it doesn't make him a villain, but he's not your match, and he's not worth your time.

So 'next' him, take the time you need to get over him, and you will thank yourself later.

I totally agree with this! To be honest he sounds pretty "meh" about you. You said you loved him and his words were "I'm fond of you". Fond is not really used to describe feelings for a partner. Fond is something people would say about a friend, colleague or relative. It's almost a platonic word. It just means you like that person and care about them. If after a year he doesn't love you, then I'm not sure he ever will. And after a year sexual attraction doesn't just disappear because a year isn't that long! If he barely even wants to have sex with you he's probably just not that into you. He's just comfortable because he moved in with you and probably thinks now is not a good time to move out or try to meet anyone else due to the pandemic. He doesn't sound very enthusiastic about you sorry.

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10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If anyone ever said these things to me, he'd be out of my life so fast, his GPS would be spinning.

So 'next' him, take the time you need to get over him, and you will thank yourself later.

^ I second the above.

[quote]It's also quite hard being in love with someone that doesn't love you back![/quote]

OP, you really should question yourself here and ask yourself WHY you remain in a loveless "relationship" with a jerk?  What do you get out of it?  Serious question.

 

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