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His girl mate is ruining my mental health


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Hi, I was wondering if I couldn't get some advice on this situation. Its taking over my life.

My partner and I have been together for a year. For the most part has been pretty well 

I had first feeling of being uncomfortable going round her house. She was wearing his t-shirt whilst tidying I didn't know how to deal with this so I made a joke and said she wore it better.

She then would do things like turn up our flat unannounced, shouting at the door "baby where are you?" And she walked through the door looking for my partner. Or shouts for her "papa" She then interrupted our story about how we had planned Amsterdam for my birthday and said we should do a joint one as her and my partner have always done in the past.

She has a 12 year old and keeps calling my partner the baby dads name and jokes to me that he's been around as much as him and thats why.

She calls him drunk while on holiday and when he answers she's says "baby, i miss you so much!" 

I first mentioned it to him in a joking way. Like "it just makes me cringe a bit"

His response was "this literally happens in every relationship I get into, I'm just going to get rid of the friendship" 

I feel awful so I say it doesn't matter if you're friends with her I just need to be able to talk about it to you.

Fast forward a month and we find out we are pregnant. She keeps messaging me asking what happened at our scan. I'm emotional and I haven't told my parents yet. She then keeps sending messages and apparently calls my partner to yell at him for not letting her know. 

I told him things are getting ridiculous now. But I don't know what to do. He loses his temper, goes round to her house to explain how we both feel and comes back really drunk a few hours later. He has told her not to message me. So ...she messages me, trouble is when she knows hes going to see she's overtly uber nice. Like hey beautiful lovely baby girl we need get this out and have a walk. But I can she she's messaged him saying..."baby is it wrong that I'm questioning Rachel? (Me)

I reply to her and say I'm very stressed out and I need to make sure I'm ok for this baby. She replies and says ooh yeah I get it. But if I'm honest I just don't want to change my behaviour.

He tells me he's not speak to her again. I said bit harsh  ut that's your decision I won't control who you see. He let's out that he called her to wish her merry Xmas and she says "oh are you allowed to speak to me now then?

This upset me so I messaged her detailing exactly what I'm not comfortable with and I want to be friends. She then replies saying I have no idea how much she loves him and that there's nothing wrong she then proceeds to call me selfish, says I'm a ***ty person.

She then messages my partner to say she's taking a step back.

Fast forward 3 weeks and I have the worst appointment of my life. 12 week scan and I've been told I'm going to have a miscarriage. It had undoubted been the most horrifc pain I have experienced. Yesterday I get a missed call from this girl...then my partner, 

She then sends messages through saying "are you going to let some girl dictate to you? Cheers for our 15 year friendship I mean nothing to you" she then says we have both been c**ts and good luck with me and the baby.

My partner let's her know not to message me as I'm having a miscarriage and that we should all meet up. She tells him that she's done with me and I need to make the effort to come to her and apologise.

I cannot deal with this situation anymore. Me and my partner are fighting because I feel vulnerable and like he hasn't defended my honour. He seems more like he wants to end our relationship. Whatd do I do?

 

Edited by Rachaeljay27
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Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? 

They are acting like a couple. She's a lot more than a friend.

Your BF is the issue, not her. He wants and fosters this.

You need to delete and block her. Is it your or his place? Get a security system with a door video. Do not let her in.

You need to reconsider the relationship. Not because of her, because your BF has zero respect for you.

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We live together.

And she's messaged me this morning saying that she was drunk when she called me.

I said for her to leave me to deal with my situation. 

She has since said that I have ruined her friendship and he seems to have an issue with the girls he chooses.

Can you explain when you say he wants and fosters this?

Thank you for replying xx

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6 minutes ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

Can you explain when you say he wants and fosters this?

Unfortunately, they are treating you as a third wheel and he is a united front with her against you.

You need to delete and block her asap and have a serious discussion about your relationship boundaries.

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Ok I agree that I should.

I'm just a bit worried. Hes stressed about a lot of things and says he just doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

Things seem calm and I feel like I was to start talking about it then it won't strengthen our relationship 

I'm sorry to put this on you. Just feel a bit alone 

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He should have cut her off ages ago. These two don't sound like they're just friends, I'm afraid to say. 

She is a disrespectful ass. She is rude, intrusive, selfish and completely inappropriate. 

And if he doesn't see the problem and won't tell her to kick rocks, then it's him you need to get rid of.

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She and he are not platonic friends.  She wants him, badly, and he knows it and continues to cross boundaries with her -spending time with her at her home, getting drunk, etc.  Even if he doesn't want to be with her she wants to be with him and makes it obvious so his interactions with her are inappropriate.  If you choose to tolerate this that's fine just understand that you and he are no longer an exclusive couple and you are both free to pursue others to date.  If you want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship you two can have platonic friends of course but not play with fire.

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3 hours ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

His response was "this literally happens in every relationship I get into, I'm just going to get rid of the friendship" 

I'm so sorry about all this. 

I've highlighted the above because I find it telling. I mean, of course "this" happens in every relationship he gets into. When you are friends with people like this—selfish, mean, disrespectful, as toxic as Chernobyl—you will find it very hard to sustain relationships. That he has not been able to do that math—well, I'm sorry, but that's kind of reflective of what seems to be the real issue here: not her, but him, and his severe lack of emotional intelligence, his prioritizing corrosive attention at the expense of anything like depth.  

I understand that you're in a whirl of emotion right now, given everything you've just gone through, but I have to ask: If you take a deep breath, and get really honest, are you sincerely capable of respecting your boyfriend knowing that maintaining this "friendship" is so important to him? I'd give that question some real thought, as approaching from that angle might be more empowering than trying to analyze a set of behaviors that really don't merit it. 

Just as he makes the choice, every day, to reward this woman's behavior by making her a huge part of his life, you can make the choice to reward him by continuing to make him a huge part of yours—or not. While I'd imagine the thought of ending it is painful, as it always is, in this case it's very hard to see how staying with him would result in anything but a greater pain. 

 

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She sounds exactly like one of my husband's aunts, minus the romantic feelings part.  But controlling, toxic people that wedge their way into your relationship... I know it's awful!

The only way to end her drama is to cut her out of his/your life, unfortunately.  I wish it didn't have to be that way, but some people are just incredibly nutty and immature.

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9 hours ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

I cannot deal with this situation anymore. Me and my partner are fighting because I feel vulnerable and like he hasn't defended my honour. He seems more like he wants to end our relationship. Whatd do I do?

 

I think you should let him end the relationship with you if he can't or won't get rid of this crazy woman friend.

I hate things like that, where there seems to be no compromise, but you can't compromise with crazy.  Sad.

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26 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

She sounds exactly like one of my husband's aunts, minus the romantic feelings part.  But controlling, toxic people that wedge their way into your relationship... I know it's awful!

The only way to end her drama is to cut her out of his/your life, unfortunately.  I wish it didn't have to be that way, but some people are just incredibly nutty and immature.

I appreciate you can relate and makes me sad that it sounds familiar to you.

I don't really have the greatest self esteem right now. I know i have to be strong.

I know they both to blame. I just feel like she's become a bit of an expert at it. She'll be so super nice sickly sweet to him then when he's not around she can be vile In what she says.

Shes message me today. Because she got drunk and called us both. I message her to ask why and she said she was drunk and upset about it. 

I told her I was confused because last we had heard from her she said she was taking a step back from being around us

And to leave me in peace, to greive for my baby. 

Shes told me I've ruined their friendship. And she's not the problem, its me and the women he picks apparently.

We have both blocked her now and trying to move forward.

I really appreciate your help and advice. It means a lot in this time xxx

Edited by Rachaeljay27
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6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

She and he are not platonic friends.  She wants him, badly, and he knows it and continues to cross boundaries with her -spending time with her at her home, getting drunk, etc.  Even if he doesn't want to be with her she wants to be with him and makes it obvious so his interactions with her are inappropriate.  If you choose to tolerate this that's fine just understand that you and he are no longer an exclusive couple and you are both free to pursue others to date.  If you want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship you two can have platonic friends of course but not play with fire.

Yeah I agree. I think he's finally to realise by what she has messaged me. Call me old fashioned buy when you know your guy friend is coming round with his Mrs, Dont wear his t shirt round the house...or call him baby, papa etc 

Hes realised from the drunk calls that he feels like she's treating herself like his ex. Weird behaviour  thank you for your reply, its definitely helped me xxx

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6 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I'm so sorry about all this. 

I've highlighted the above because I find it telling. I mean, of course "this" happens in every relationship he gets into. When you are friends with people like this—selfish, mean, disrespectful, as toxic as Chernobyl—you will find it very hard to sustain relationships. That he has not been able to do that math—well, I'm sorry, but that's kind of reflective of what seems to be the real issue here: not her, but him, and his severe lack of emotional intelligence, his prioritizing corrosive attention at the expense of anything like depth.  

I understand that you're in a whirl of emotion right now, given everything you've just gone through, but I have to ask: If you take a deep breath, and get really honest, are you sincerely capable of respecting your boyfriend knowing that maintaining this "friendship" is so important to him? I'd give that question some real thought, as approaching from that angle might be more empowering than trying to analyze a set of behaviors that really don't merit it. 

Just as he makes the choice, every day, to reward this woman's behavior by making her a huge part of his life, you can make the choice to reward him by continuing to make him a huge part of yours—or not. While I'd imagine the thought of ending it is painful, as it always is, in this case it's very hard to see how staying with him would result in anything but a greater pain. 

 

These are really good points.

Infact we had a discussion earlier and I used these points.

She was sending angry messages this morning. And when I told her to leave me alone she then messaged him lots. Talking about how long they've been friends and she's done.

He has now said thats weird as hell and he feels like he's talking about her as an ex girlfriend.

We've both made the conscious decision to not have her either of our lives. We just have a lot of mutual friends so its not the last I've heard of her I expect.

Thank you so much for understanding my feelings. I needed this xx

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38 minutes ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

Hes realised from the drunk calls that he feels like she's treating herself like his ex. 

Is that in fact what she is? 

I wonder how honest he's been with you about their history together. It seems like quite an intense and strange dynamic for two people with absolutely no romantic or sexual history at all. 

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38 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Is that in fact what she is? 

I wonder how honest he's been with you about their history together. It seems like quite an intense and strange dynamic for two people with absolutely no romantic or sexual history at all. 

I understand how it can seem like that. But me and him were friends for 3 years before we got together and he told me then that there's never been history. Shes got a 12 year old with one of his friends. 

I'm trying to be understanding from all angles here. Its his fault I know. I think however he is quite niave and not realising her manipulative ways. She goads him and saying things like "you allowed to speak to me now"

"Are you throwing away 15 years of friendship for some girl" 

Its teasing him into thinking hes making the wrong choices. Hes had relationships and and gone back to these people with his tail between his legs. But I understand that I shouldn't be in this position and its not fair on me. It should have been sorted the first time it happened and he should have stuck up for me.

I just feel like questioning their past and kicking off at him is not going to give me what I want. If she's playing the game right thats exactly what she wants to happen. 

He understands now and wants nothing to do with her. He even blames the stress that she's caused is why we lost the baby. But he also blames himself. 

I just don't want this hell anymore so hopefully its dealt with now xxx

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I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. As for your man, basically, it's best to put things in the right mindset. That other woman doesn't owe you anything, but your bf does. He's accountable to you. If he's allowing you to become stressed because "a friend" is acting like she's claiming him as her territory and isn't a champion of you and him as a couple as a real friend would be, then it's on him for keeping her in his life.

He saw that she was the reason for the demise of his past relationships. If he was serious about having a happy, lifelong relationship, he would've ended his friendship with her. He values whatever he's getting from her presence over a potential serious romance. Ego boost? Sex?

He must be okay with short term stuff and is okay with a significant other walking away when she's had enough. Otherwise, he would've put a stop to this nonsense before he even met you.

I would strongly suggest you use birth control at the moment, because you don't want to be tied to a man before he has proved himself, and for at least an entire year. Have a wait and see attitude. If it were me, there would be zero more chances. One time unblocking her, one time going over to her place, and that would be the end for me. Because when you're regularly stressed in a relationship, it means it's the wrong relationship. This would be a dealbreaker to any woman with a healthy self esteem.

Work on building your self esteem so you will never accept anyone again who is not worthy of you. There are other attractive men in the world who don't have inappropriate relationships with other women like this. When you get some time and distance away from this toxicity, you will likely shake your head at how long you stayed. Take care.

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2 hours ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

I think he's finally to realise by what she has messaged me.

Glad to hear it.

Their friendship was pretty inappropriate. Frankly, you should have nixed this friendship from the very beginning, but I know you probably didn't realize what you were dealing with.

I had a similar situation with my boyfriend, except there were two girls--both exes 😅😅 

Actually, there were three exes sniffing around, but one really wasn't a problem. Two were a pain in the ass. One of these two (Beth) was a particular pain in the ass--portraying herself as the friend, always calling for stupid reasons, like "I was supposed to bake a lasagna and I forgot. Tee-hee. Hey, check out my seats at this football game....etc."

I didn't really care about Beth when my boyfriend and I weren't officially bf and gf. But after we were official, I started to get annoyed with her. I did not like how she used their "friendship" as an excuse to call him whenever she wanted, like on a Friday or Saturday night, when he and I were together. 

My boyfriend made excuses for Beth, as if she didn't know any better. I did try to respect that, but ultimately I found it too ridiculous to respect. She was a grown woman, not a child. We were in our 30s!

Within two months, I drew a line. And it was a real fight. I think we fought about it for a week, maybe two weeks. I thought we might even break up. But I resolved myself to that because I didn't want to drag stupid Beth around in my relationship.

He ultimately decided to sever the friendship. That wasn't exactly what I'd asked for--I just wanted her to tone it down, really. Stop texting or calling every time she buys a cup of coffee. But looking back, I think my boyfriend realized that Beth would never tone it down. It was all or nothing with her.

Even though he told me that he knew it was the right thing to do, he was pretty upset about it. I didn't bring it up for a long time after that. I didn't want to dredge up old pain.

Then, about a year or two ago, he got a text from Beth while we were both sitting on the couch watching TV! He didn't recognize the number, but he figured out who it was. She said, "I just want to make sure that you are happy, I only ever wanted the best for you." He said, "I'm doing really well. Please don't contact me again." 

We talked about it a little bit after that, and I realized that the cloud that had hung over him about the whole thing was totally gone, and had been gone for some time.

I hope that your boyfriend cuts this girl off. And I hope that you stand firm about it. This is important.

 

 

 

Edited by Jibralta
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OP....I really hope that you find a way to reframe this in your mind as relationship boundaries instead of telling the guy who he can and cannot be friends with.

Your relationship boundaries exclude these types of "friendships" and either that's acceptable to him and he is on the same page as you, or it's not acceptable to him and you need to part ways. Yes, it's that important and you need to learn to stand tall and firm and clear on this topic whether it's with this guy or with any future relationship of yours. Having a spine matters and being clear about your values and your boundaries, about what you are and aren't willing to tolerate matters.

As for him being naive......you are making excuses for his lack of character. I know you don't see it and probably aren't in place to see it now, but I hope that as things cool down for you that you do at some point think about this long and hard and do take a hard look at who it is you are dating. He is a grown man and this isn't the first relationship this "friendship" has destroyed. He is not naive or oblivious to that at all. He is a guy who likes a cat fight between two women over his greatness...... so beware. Even if she goes....at some point there may well be a new "friend" you are being triangulated with. As another poster said, please please take extreme care not to get pregnant again. Sit back and watch carefully for a long long time. Do not get lost in the initial high of she lost, you won, he is sorry and trying to please you....wait until all that fades out and see how he is when the shine from this drama wears off.

What I really personally think is that after everything he's put you through, you should be running away from him screaming. Is any of this really acceptable to you?.....It shouldn't be. I hope that at some point you do think long and hard on that.

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19 hours ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

She was sending angry messages this morning. And when I told her to leave me alone she then messaged him lots. Talking about how long they've been friends and she's done.

That's normal for this type of thing.  Tons of angry text messages or emails.  I think this is normal for this type of person's reaction (and it's abusive).

 

19 hours ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

Shes message me today. Because she got drunk and called us both. I message her to ask why and she said she was drunk and upset about it. 

I told her I was confused because last we had heard from her she said she was taking a step back from being around us

And to leave me in peace, to greive for my baby. 

Shes told me I've ruined their friendship. And she's not the problem, its me and the women he picks apparently.

We have both blocked her now and trying to move forward.

You can't reason with a crazy person. 

No, she doesn't care you lost the baby.  

17 hours ago, Andrina said:

If it were me, there would be zero more chances. One time unblocking her, one time going over to her place, and that would be the end for me. Because when you're regularly stressed in a relationship, it means it's the wrong relationship. This would be a dealbreaker to any woman with a healthy self esteem.

I like this piece of advice.  IF he goes back to her house (!!) or unblocks her etc. that's a huge sign that you're not his priority at all, and he's ok with this crazy lady causing drama. 

If he crosses this boundary with a crazy (possibly unsafe) person again, you'll need to break up and find someone with better sense.

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16 hours ago, DancingFool said:

He is not naive or oblivious to that at all. He is a guy who likes a cat fight between two women over his greatness...... so beware.

I don't agree he's necessarily that bad/evil.  It's possible he's just immature and can learn from this finally.

16 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Sit back and watch carefully for a long long time. Do not get lost in the initial high of she lost, you won, he is sorry and trying to please you....wait until all that fades out and see how he is when the shine from this drama wears off.

I agree with this though.  The only way to tell if he's, "learned," from it and matured about this now, is to watch his actions moving forward.  If he crosses that boundary and you find out he's contacted her, or gone to her house, or anything, I think that'd be the time to leave and repair yourself without him in your life at all.

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17 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I had a similar situation with my boyfriend, except there were two girls--both exes 😅😅 

Wow!!!  

My husband had one lovesick crazy lady who actually wrote me a hate letter (this was in our mid-20's after we'd been married almost 5 years!!!!). LOL  He never even dated this woman, but I knew she had had a huge crush on him, as did others, and she was so angry he'd married me.

Sometimes I wonder how much of the population has issues like this?  Seems to be fairly high.

17 hours ago, Jibralta said:

She said, "I just want to make sure that you are happy, I only ever wanted the best for you." He said, "I'm doing really well. Please don't contact me again." 

We talked about it a little bit after that, and I realized that the cloud that had hung over him about the whole thing was totally gone, and had been gone for some time.

LOL... the sick excuse to contact him again.  Wow!

Edited by maritalbliss86
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18 hours ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

He understands now and wants nothing to do with her. He even blames the stress that she's caused is why we lost the baby. But he also blames himself. 

I just don't want this hell anymore so hopefully its dealt with now xxx

 Think very carefully if you want a family with someone who brings this much crisis, chaos and conflict into your life. "Blames her"? He is the root of the problem.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I am very sorry about the baby. 

Why didn't you block this woman a long time ago?  

Your partner is the problem.  He has allowed this nonsense to go on for way too long- he seems to enjoy this, at your expense..  He has disrespected you again and again, by continuing with this woman.  She has always taken priority over you.  I would be done with this guy!

Edited by Hollyj
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Rachael,  You gave some sound advice to HeyHale. I think that you need to apply the same to your situation.

How would you advise a sibling or friend in the same situation?

Edited by Hollyj
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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

My husband had one lovesick crazy lady who actually wrote me a hate letter (this was in our mid-20's after we'd been married almost 5 years!!!!).

In my case, the second girl, who was actually less of a problem than Beth, actually used to show up at his apartment unannounced and try to entice him to get back together with him. Apparently she actually cried a few times. I think she was easier to for him to deal with because she was so overt. Beth's methods and motives were much more subtle. 

The third one, he hung out with once, while we were first starting to see each other. He told me all about it as the situation unfolded. She was his ex from many years back. She was now married with kids. She'd found him on facebook, and had contacted him to catch up. My bf was happy to get together with her for that purpose. But while they were hanging out, he got the impression that she was hitting on him. He didn't encourage her and she faded away pretty easily.

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