GF's living situation / kids killing the mood?

[HighSierra78]

I'm completely in my head right now about my personal situation, so I figured why not air it out here. So... my life is exceptionally complicated right now. I'm 42, the best shape of my life, fantastic but stressful career, and am going through what most would call an amicable divorce after 16 years. My wife cheated on me a few years ago with a much younger man. We tried to reconcile (talking, therapy, etc.) but it destroyed our marriage ultimately and as a casualty, my sexual confidence took a hit. We tried to get drunk and fumble through it, but neither of us were into it. Basically, other than personal "manipulation" over the past few years, my junk wasn't getting used and I was at the point where I would die a lonely, sexless hermit. Yay!

A few months ago, however, I met someone. She's 10 years younger than me (wasn't trying for that) and she is going through a similar situation - sexless, emotionless divorce where her husband cheated. She has 2 beautiful younger kids (I have 2 kids as well) and we just mesh so well. Emotionally, physically, etc. I have never met someone I'm so magnetically drawn to. It's awesome. Our relationship is SO much more than sex - but the sex is GREAT so let me lay out my issue...

Naturally, the first time we had sex - I was a nervous wreck. It's been literally over 2 years since I even had to use my gear properly, shes much younger and absolutely beautiful, and there was SO much emotion and expectation around the matter. We were also on a blanket in the back of my truck, but I digress... She has a difficult time getting into the proper headspace to have an orgasm so I spent a LOT of time going down on her to no success, and lost my erection (I'm a pleaser and want her to feel great too - so this killed my confidence). This threw me for a loop (my gear always worked) and my anxiety took over. We paused, talked, and got to making out again - and I was able to seal the deal (we did it!). From that point on, my sexual anxiety has been all over the ***ing place. I'm a naturally anxious person, so throw in a concern about my 42 year old junk not working, and it can be a recipe for disaster. Multiple amazing sexual interactions later, and I'm cured of my anxiety. Until now...

So, she was living with her family and I have been living with my soon to be ex and kids, and the only place we could hook up was the back of my truck (crude, but also hot!). About 2 months ago, she moved into her own place with her 2 kids. It's a very small 2 bdr apartment with little privacy, especially since her 4 yr old son has no boundaries with opening doors, etc. Since she moved, we have had some very risky sex (drunk, late night with kids asleep but kid wakes up after etc.) but it's starting to mess with my performance. Her 1 yr old sleeps in a crib in her bedroom and her 4 yr old son sleeps in the room over. Everyone hears everything and as soon as there is commotion, there's either a crying baby or a kid banging on the door. We are both very sexual people, and we'll start making out, etc and I'm fully erect - good to go - but as soon as we transition to sex, sometimes I lose my erection because I start overthinking and quite frankly feel weird trying to f*ck when kids are present. She gets frustrated, and I just feel absolutely gutted. I love her. I am absolutely turned on. But my brain and emotions get in the way and take over. This doesn't happen ALL the time - but it happens enough where it's really got me spooked. My *** is so confused! And now, because of this new pattern of anxiety, I'm stressed the heck out for the times where we actually DO have a free hour or two to really enjoy each other without kids. I know I'm not broken - my mind is just so stressed right now. She's open and understanding, but I don't know how to proceed with this. Heck, I even panicked a while back and got an online prescription to viagra just to take in case. But now I won't take it because I feel silly AND I feel like its sort of cheating her and I'm worried she'll take offense or something.

Conclusion: I feel like I have a LOT going on right now, and much of this is normal. I don't want to disappoint my GF and I love our sex life, but maybe we need to cool off until we can be in a better situation where we can be properly intimate with each other? Should I fight through it and take the pills to cut through the anxiety? I shouldn't be expected to always be hard and ready to go when there's kids running around - right? I'm in the most rewarding relationship of my life - and now I have to worry about friggin boners. Come on world, this is a joke, right? Help!

Sorry for the long post - but any guidance or personal experience would be really helpful. I feel like me and my *** are going crazy!

[bluecastle]

I read this and the first thing I want to say is: time to take a few thousand deep breaths. Like, for real. Give it a go. One, two, three...

Okay, that out of the way, I think you got to the nuts and bolts yourself in that, yes, this is normal. It's normal to be kind of jittery with a new person. Normal to be extra jittery when you're with your first new person after a long marriage. Normal to be extra extra jittery when you are still married, in the earliest stages of untangling that knot, and already trying to tie a new knot. Normal to be extra extra extra jittery when you're having sex with a toddler down the hall and an infant at the foot of the... 

I'm just going to stop there. 

Easy solution here? Well, I'd start with a cold shower, for both of you. You are grownups.  And while I get you've got all sorts of grownup needs that can reduce you to a feral adolescent state, what are you doing trying to do it (or anything) when her kids are around? Not cool, that. In fact, I'd say this is one of those rare cases where the head between your legs is trying to knock some sense (softly, if you get my drift) into the head above your shoulders.

So, moving forward: first the cold shower, where you establish some basic parameters of romance so the kids don't have a front row seat, literally and figuratively, to this rabid transitional moment in their parents' lives. Then, with those adult-only times carved out, go about the glorious, fumbling business of adulthood. I mean, here you just threw shade at a four year old for having iffy boundaries, while you're doing what what? 

And if you want to stir some Viagra into all that—no shame. If you want to just move a little slower—ditto. Certainly seems like the latter is a good place to start, as you're giving the impression of someone driving around with his foot pinned to the gas pedal, wondering why he keeps skidding out. 

My few cents, to spend how you see fit. 

 

[HighSierra78]

4 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I read this and the first thing I want to say is: time to take a few thousand deep breaths. Like, for real. Give it a go. One, two, three...

Okay, that out of the way, I think you got to the nuts and bolts yourself in that, yes, this is normal. It's normal to be kind of jittery with a new person. Normal to be extra jittery when you're with your first new person after a long marriage. Normal to be extra extra jittery when you are still married, in the earliest stages of untangling that knot, and already trying to tie a new knot. Normal to be extra extra extra jittery when you're having sex with a toddler down the hall and an infant at the foot of the... 

I'm just going to stop there. 

Easy solution here? Well, I'd start with a cold shower, for both of you. You are grownups.  And while I get you've got all sorts of grownup needs that can reduce you to a feral adolescent state, what are you doing trying to do it (or anything) when her kids are around? Not cool, that. In fact, I'd say this is one of those rare cases where the head between your legs is trying to knock some sense (softly, if you get my drift) into the head above your shoulders.

So, moving forward: first the cold shower, where you establish some basic parameters of romance so the kids don't have a front row seat, literally and figuratively, to this rabid transitional moment in their parents' lives. Then, with those adult-only times carved out, go about the glorious, fumbling business of adulthood. If you want to stir some Viagra into that—no shame. If you want to just move a little slower—ditto.

My few cents, to spend how you see fit. 

 

Sometimes we already know our best course of action. I think my fear up until now (thank you for telling me to breathe...) has been losing this person, since I just "lost" my wife. My GF definitely had a very rough upbringing, and I can tell she uses sex as part of her love language. Mix in the fact that neither one of us have had a good sex partner in forever, and it creates a recipe for us to basically act like we're 19 again. bluecastle I really appreciate the honest response and I think I need to sit down and talk with her about all of this. 

[bluecastle]

Sounds like a good plan. 

When I hear someone using the phrase "I can tell she uses sex as part of her love language," I can't help but hear someone who is in the delirium of romantic transition. This is not a permanent state, but, like grief or hurricanes, a temporary one. Try to remember that, so you can create some human space for you, for her, for whatever this thing that is you plus her to be...whatever it will be.

And if creating that space proves impossible, triggers more hyperventilating, or a stubbornness between the legs? Well, rather than see that as another 'loss," I'd see it as a gain. It's just the universe tapping you on the shoulder and reminding you that sometimes it's best to finish one thing (like a divorce) before starting up another.

Where are you going to live? What's the co-parenting arrangement look like? Financial arrangements? That's the stuff that should be kind of front and center on the mind right now. Not sexy, I know, but I think you'll be surprised how much sorting that out will translate to greater fluency in what, let's remember, is the "love language" we all speak.  

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, HighSierra78 said:

Sometimes we already know our best course of action. I think my fear up until now (thank you for telling me to breathe...) has been losing this person, since I just "lost" my wife. My GF definitely had a very rough upbringing, and I can tell she uses sex as part of her love language. Mix in the fact that neither one of us have had a good sex partner in forever, and it creates a recipe for us to basically act like we're 19 again. bluecastle I really appreciate the honest response and I think I need to sit down and talk with her about all of this. 

Sex as part of her love language. Please -for your own sake keep this to common sense basic stuff not fancy psychobabble love language stuff.  Someone you recently started dating who is still married as are you likes to have sex with you.  I think it's very smart of you to talk with her when you're sober and clothed and perhaps date properly when you are both single for a good amount of time instead of still married/separated.  Good luck!

[HighSierra78]

12 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sounds like a good plan. 

When I hear someone using the phrase "I can tell she uses sex as part of her love language," I can't help but hear someone who is in the delirium of romantic transition. This is not a permanent state, but, like grief or hurricanes, a temporary one. Try to remember that, so you can create some human space for you, for her, for whatever this thing that is you plus her to be...whatever it will be.

And if creating that space proves impossible, triggers more hyperventilating, or a stubbornness between the legs? Well, rather than see that as another 'loss," I'd see it as a gain. It's just the universe tapping you on the shoulder and reminding you that sometimes it's best to finish one thing (like a divorce) before starting up another.

Where are you going to live? What's the co-parenting arrangement look like? Financial arrangements? That's the stuff that should be kind of front and center on the mind right now. Not sexy, I know, but I think you'll be surprised how much sorting that out will translate to greater fluency in what, let's remember, is the "love language" we all speak.  

If you are a therapist - I'd gladly seek out your services... (seriously, PM me if you are) I feel like you are reading me so well its scary. My current wife (who is aware and accepting of my current relationship) and I are literally at the point of discussing these terms. The prospect of now managing multiple financial situations, kids leaving my everyday life (this kills me to no end), TELLING the kids about the divorce, me finding a new home and living on my own for the first time in 20 years, etc., etc. etc... I'm basically ignoring my current situation by getting lost in the new one. Being drunk with love is so blinding sometimes.

[Batya33]

Just now, HighSierra78 said:

If you are a therapist - I'd gladly seek out your services... (seriously, PM me if you are) I feel like you are reading me so well its scary. My current wife (who is aware and accepting of my current relationship) and I are literally at the point of discussing these terms. The prospect of now managing multiple financial situations, kids leaving my everyday life (this kills me to no end), TELLING the kids about the divorce, me finding a new home and living on my own for the first time in 20 years, etc., etc. etc... I'm basically ignoring my current situation by getting lost in the new one. Being drunk and in love is so blinding sometimes.

I really am sorry for your loss and this traumatic situation!

[HighSierra78]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sex as part of her love language. Please -for your own sake keep this to common sense basic stuff not fancy psychobabble love language stuff.  Someone you recently started dating who is still married as are you likes to have sex with you.  I think it's very smart of you to talk with her when you're sober and clothed and perhaps date properly when you are both single for a good amount of time instead of still married/separated.  Good luck!

Point well taken. I don't believe in that stuff anyway. I do believe in logic, and being open enough to have an adult conversation. Thanks for the feedback.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, HighSierra78 said:

Point well taken. I don't believe in that stuff anyway. I do believe in logic, and being open enough to have an adult conversation. Thanks for the feedback.

The other logical part is you two are risking making you a daddy again .....I'm so glad you're going to talk with her. 

[bluecastle]

24 minutes ago, HighSierra78 said:

The prospect of now managing multiple financial situations, kids leaving my everyday life (this kills me to no end), TELLING the kids about the divorce, me finding a new home and living on my own for the first time in 20 years, etc., etc. etc... I'm basically ignoring my current situation by getting lost in the new one. Being drunk with love is so blinding sometimes.

Yeah, you just outlined a lot of moments that are going to torque you emotionally, which is different than being torqued by the prospect of it all, as you are at present. No salve to all that torquing, sadly, no antidote or anesthetic.

That you yourself are observing that you may be trying to dodge that in this new relationship—well, I think you need to start being a bit more honest about that, which is to say that love may not be the only intoxicant working through your system right now. 

There is another side to all this, and it will be wonderful. But you've got to get there.  

[Andrina]

Have you ever heard this advice: that children shouldn't be meeting a significant other, and you're far from that, until it's established that you've been together long enough to decide the relationship is heading longterm? And that can't be known in the beginning honey moon stage. It usually takes going past the 10 month mark, or a year.

Because children don't need a revolving door of strangers entering and quickly exiting their lives.

You both are parents, and should both be getting your own children used to a new family dynamic of divorce rather than having your attention diverted elsewhere. Romance is an escape from the harsh reality. Even if your kids are teens or college age, they need your guidance and time more than anything right now. And her poor kids must be so mixed up, being uprooted and having a strange man in bed with their mom, totally confused because their dad was the one bunking with mom until a few months ago. 

Your head was turned by a pretty face and you never thought of what you really want, because you didn't give yourself a good year to know yourself as a single person, and have time to mourn the end of a marriage, even if you're not devastated about it.

I know I had age gap boundaries after my first marriage ended so that I wouldn't be stressing about a big age difference going in either direction. I also remember rejecting dating a guy who had a young son who he had every Wednesday and every weekend. I was about to have an empty nest and wanted a companion who was available to me a lot more than that. It's okay, and in your best interest, to have rules of who you will and won't date. 

I made many mistakes in the dating world--did some stuff wrong and did some stuff right. In the end I found a good man in my second husband so it all worked out in the end. I wish you good luck.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, some good points made above.

So many factors to look at here... you are BOTH coming out of harshful, broken, long term marriages? 😞  Kinda ick.

There are so many things to consider in all of this....  How new it is for both of you. (of course things are always (or usually great in the beginning)- that's the honeymoon phase. As mentioned, will last a food few months.

Then, reality hits... and this is where you'll come to realize IF you two are really compatible. (sex is usually good - but is so much more to a 'real relationship).

I agree, you need to be careful & sensible in this... you're kids/family seems much more ahead than hers.

She's got 2 kids under age 5.  I've been there, once.  Is was a real challenge...having a new man around & having to tend to my kids.

As for this 'love' bit.  it is not love.  It is 'lust'.  Love develops over time.. you guys are far from that right now.  You are just live in the excitement of something new & what you've been 'lacking' for the longest while.

So, I also suggest you TRY to sit back and put this into perspective... calm down some and think- with the right head!  Be careful with what is going on...

Have you heard of rebounding?  is when you move too quickly onto someone new when you are not yet over your last relationship, and where you are 'transitioning' from something you were fully into- but are still working through all of your feelings/thoughts/ issue's. ( some people turn to someone else emotionally or sexually way too soon because they are NOT used to being alone, etc.... BUT, as soon as that newness wears off, things fall apart as soon as they began and both are lost again and still hurt.  😞 .)

Best thing, when a relationship ends is to take a good year or more on your own, to heal, accept and get back to yourself again.

Have YOU done this at all?  Do you feel fine with all that has happened with your marriage break up?

How about her?  Has she recovered... or accepted & healed from her break up?

Tread carefully here.. If you are not rebounding, chances are that maybe she is?

[HighSierra78]

18 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, some good points made above.

So many factors to look at here... you are BOTH coming out of harshful, broken, long term marriages? 😞  Kinda ick.

There are so many things to consider in all of this....  How new it is for both of you. (of course things are always (or usually great in the beginning)- that's the honeymoon phase. As mentioned, will last a food few months.

Then, reality hits... and this is where you'll come to realize IF you two are really compatible. (sex is usually good - but is so much more to a 'real relationship).

I agree, you need to be careful & sensible in this... you're kids/family seems much more ahead than hers.

She's got 2 kids under age 5.  I've been there, once.  Is was a real challenge...having a new man around & having to tend to my kids.

As for this 'love' bit.  it is not love.  It is 'lust'.  Love develops over time.. you guys are far from that right now.  You are just live in the excitement of something new & what you've been 'lacking' for the longest while.

So, I also suggest you TRY to sit back and put this into perspective... calm down some and think- with the right head!  Be careful with what is going on...

Have you heard of rebounding?  is when you move too quickly onto someone new when you are not yet over your last relationship, and where you are 'transitioning' from something you were fully into- but are still working through all of your feelings/thoughts/ issue's. ( some people turn to someone else emotionally or sexually way too soon because they are NOT used to being alone, etc.... BUT, as soon as that newness wears off, things fall apart as soon as they began and both are lost again and still hurt.  😞 .)

Best thing, when a relationship ends is to take a good year or more on your own, to heal, accept and get back to yourself again.

Have YOU done this at all?  Do you feel fine with all that has happened with your marriage break up?

How about her?  Has she recovered... or accepted & healed from her break up?

Tread carefully here.. If you are not rebounding, chances are that maybe she is?

I know there is no formula to love life success - so your advice to tread lightly is well received, ty. With that said, my situation is far more mature and advanced than hers. My wife and I went through therapy and came to the peaceful conclusion that what we once had was never really based on compatibility. We loved each other, but felt forced into marriage by family and friends. We made it work ok for 14 years before we both knew it was over. We have respectfully decided to move on and have been living like that, as a "team" with our kids, for about 2 years. It was only a few months ago we decided to finally take the next step to a healthier and happier life with other people (divorce). We also had a move cross country thrown in - so that's what slowed down our process (trying to not throw a divorce on our kids at the same time of a relocation). As for my GF, her husband was unfaithful a year ago. They both agreed that they felt roped into marriage because they had a child together first and were forced into it out of obligation. I don't know how deeply they worked through that, if at all honestly. The challenge is that instead of staying to take care of his kids and work through the situation... he left and moved almost 10 hours away. She's been on her own and has had to take on the single mom role much faster than she thought. She also communicates well that she doesn't want a caretaker and needs to do this on her own. If anything, she's more respectful of our situation than I am.

A question: If we distance ourselves, lay down some boundaries, and create a healthy environment for our kids and for each of us to grow and heal on our own... is there a chance we can make it ? We met as casual friends. We discovered through talking that we were both hurting in the same way. And we have been fantastic supports for each other. That all came first. our friendship grew from that, and then we fell in love. I was not looking for any of it. The "lust" aspect is most recent and we could remove it completely if we had to (for now). I just don't agree with hurting this person just so I "have space". I know who I am and what I need. I also know I need more space to heal properly. But is it crazy to think we can't reset our relationship? I love this woman... 😞

[SooSad33]

27 minutes ago, HighSierra78 said:

We met as casual friends. We discovered through talking that we were both hurting in the same way.

 

27 minutes ago, HighSierra78 said:

I was not looking for any of it. The "lust" aspect is most recent and we could remove it completely if we had to (for now). I just don't agree with hurting this person just so I "have space". I know who I am and what I need. I also know I need more space to heal properly.

Thank you for explaining further....

But, what I highlighted above is what's concerning.  The fact that you are BOTH still hurting?

And also that YOU said, you know you need more space, to heal properly - so either are fully over your past relationships?

This can cause some issue's... so, if you can remove the physical aspect for now, why don't you do that?

Since, with reading your original post, is shows how much more YOU feel stressed over her place & living conditions.  Then don't go there.  Maybe just spend a bit of time 'hanging out'...

 

Then maybe, with that put aside for a while, you can see IF you two can keep it together and continue to work through your own issue's.  Work on trying to improve yourselves - of course is always nice to have a friend around and someone to lean on.

... Then you can see IF this will still be okay with her.  See if you two can move ahead, slower- paced and get through the mess from your pasts ( I guess especially her), and you NEED to have someone who IS somewhat 'stable' in order to feel okay yourself, with moving on to something healthy.

 Do you feel she is not quite okay with all she's been through- that she is still affected by all that? If so, yes, be careful, you do not get caught up in something - where it could be a rebound, from her end.

Like I said... someone who is stable. (mentally. emotionally, etc).  I've come to realize what things like this can do to someone.. It's terrible & can do some damage, for sure 😞 .

Anyways, I think you get it.... as to why I said.. be careful in this.  Tread carefully - for your own good.

[HighSierra78]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

 

Thank you for explaining further....

But, what I highlighted above is what's concerning.  The fact that you are BOTH still hurting?

And also that YOU said, you know you need more space, to heal properly - so either are fully over your past relationships?

This can cause some issue's... so, if you can remove the physical aspect for now, why don't you do that?

Since, with reading your original post, is shows how much more YOU feel stressed over her place & living conditions.  Then don't go there.  Maybe just spend a bit of time 'hanging out'...

 

Then maybe, with that put aside for a while, you can see IF you two can keep it together and continue to work through your own issue's.  Work on trying to improve yourselves - of course is always nice to have a friend around and someone to lean on.

... Then you can see IF this will still be okay with her.  See if you two can move ahead, slower- paced and get through the mess from your pasts ( I guess especially her), and you NEED to have someone who IS somewhat 'stable' in order to feel okay yourself, with moving on to something healthy.

 Do you feel she is not quite okay with all she's been through- that she is still affected by all that? If so, yes, be careful, you do not get caught up in something - where it could be a rebound, from her end.

Like I said... someone who is stable. (mentally. emotionally, etc).  I've come to realize what things like this can do to someone.. It's terrible & can do some damage, for sure 😞 .

Anyways, I think you get it.... as to why I said.. be careful in this.  Tread carefully - for your own good.

All good inputs again, thank you. I don't think she's hurting about her marriage anymore. She uses clear, focused statements about her marriage and next steps that tell me she's put some thought into it. She is also in the process of moving on and growing. I too am happy where I am and am ready to move on and grow. I think the key thing is that because of this forum (of all things) she and I have started a healthy discussion about where we are and what we want. I also have taken the appropriate steps and have lined up a relationship therapist to at least help guide me though all of this. I value this woman immensely and if I can land this "emotional plane" without too much damage, I think we could be amazing partners for each other. I'm not delusional though and realize anything can happen.

[SooSad33]

Okay, well if you feel fine, good.  Just hope she is also getting there & yes, take it easy.. that you don't get too caught up- if she isn't there yet.

Remember... with this all being very 'new' it's often great with something new & fresh.. you'll see, in time IF things will work out with her. Usually within the first 6 mos to a year.

 

[Batya33]

My strong sense is any relationship therapist will recognize at the starting gate that therapy is great when both people are single (both of you are still married whether emotionally, financially, legally, some combo etc), and when both people are available to date with the potential for the future.  That could be true about a year after your divorces are final but no therapy is going to fix the basic obstacles you two have to even establishing potential for a committed romantic relationship.

I ended an engagement many years ago.  Three weeks later I regretted it and asked him for a second chance.  He said "no, because we both know it would be romantic and exciting at first but then we'd have the same issues."  We moved on.  We got back together almost 8 years later.  Now we've been married 12 year happily.  I know for sure that if he had agreed to the second chance I asked for we wouldn't be together now -because we would have crashed and burned and had a lot more baggage and resentment and sadness about each other that time would not have healed.  If you insist on instant gratification now you're sacrificing the chance that in the future when you're both single and available that you can start building a healthy relationship.  And then sure if you need therapy, of course, go for it.  

[Wiseman2]

Strange. Seems almost like an affair sneaking around to have sex in cars because your wife's home.

Also strange to have sex when her kids are almost in the same room.

Obviously you know this relationship isn't going to last. It's two warm bodies in the throes of divorce seeking comfort anywhere they can get it.