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Girlfriend is very unempathetic.


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I try and try to make my girl happy.  She lives in Chicago and has a different outlook on life I feel.  I cannot afford to take her out all the time and as much as I love her I feel all alone.  
 

We have dated for almost 2 years but after the covid lockdowns she has been totally different.  She is a very sweet person and very good with my daughter ( who adores her ) but she gets mad at me because of my daughters mother who I have no control of.  
 

she lost her father in Feb from cancer and she seems to get really sad at times but never really talks about him to me and I really don't want to push the issue. On NYE I brought up to her about a close friends fathef being in hospice and she said to me "I don't care about him! "I lost my father" and think I want to hear about your friends father?   I was shocked by this and really just kept quiet. I don't know what to do at this point but I feel alone and a lot these days as she rarely comes here to see me and never invites me there. 

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I try to call her but she won't answer. She is so clingy with her family and she only talks about drinking and going out to dinner.  All of her friends and family live at home and no jobs.  I don't understand how they have money to pay for anything?

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1 minute ago, ynguns251 said:

I try to call her but she won't answer. She is so clingy with her family and she only talks about drinking and going out to dinner.  All of her friends and family live at home and no jobs.  I don't understand how they have money to pay for anything?

Sorry this is happening. Give her some space to grieve. Keep your ex/co-parenting issues under control. Confide more to friends and family about your battles with that.

Unfortunately it seems to be unraveling. 

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18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Give her some space to grieve. Keep your ex/co-parenting issues under control. Confide more to friends and family about your battles with that.

Unfortunately it seems to be unraveling. 

I agree.  I cannot do anything about her father passing away last year.  I cannot change my parenting situation and if she is bored I also cannot change this as I don't make rules in the city where she lives.  I feel bad for my daughter because she really adores her. 

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Sounds like she is grieving.. each person reacts differently.. Some will pull away - go distant.  You just have to let her.  I'm sure she knows you are there for her, if/when she comes around/ reaches out again.

For now, you need to respect her & let her be, to let this runs it's course... Loss is very hard 😞 

Not sure how often you two talk?  But you can maybe, nicely suggest she reach out for some prof help?  Therapist/ grief counselling? ( If she's feeling really low for a long while.. feeling so broken & lost, sometimes this help is needed- to work through her loss & emotions).

Hopefully, in time, she will start to come around your way again.

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I did suggest seeing a couples therapist and she agreed to do so.  This is not only about the loss of her father but more so as I think she is bored due to so many restriction in the city where she lives.  I live in Indiana and she resides in Chicago (30 minutes away from me) and my state is open and hers is struggling to survive.  She had gaken a new position at her work kast year and constantly compkains about it and I hate to say it to her but "I told you so" and tokd her be careful what you wish for especially when she was content in her previous position.  She seems to only like to go out to est and drink and I think this lifestyle is not for me.  I cannot afford to pay for everything as I have bills and also a daughter. 
 

I pray for the best but if it doesn’t work st least I know I have tried everything possible👍🏻

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What are your ages?

Does she ever come visit you or are you always the one traveling?

Do you feel like it is your job to entertain her? Make her happy?

I was in a similar situation with my ex wife.  She had no close friends, not a happy person, pretty selfish and not very apathetic.  I spent 20 years trying to MAKE her happy which was a fools errand.  I loved her so I didn't see things like they really were and I kept on trying.  Don't be like me, take the love goggles off and see her with clear vision.  I don't see this as any where near a healthy relationship.

  Lost  

Edited by lostandhurt
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Your girlfriend is arrogant.  Her dad died a year ago, and yes, grieving is an individual journey, but how does that mean, you still have to walk on egg shells around her when trying to talk about your friend?

And don't feel bad for your kid - having kids myself, they like anyone who spends quality time with them, and gets them gifts - they are easily wooed. 

I would leave her be. She takes you for granted.  She's not a keeper.

You do not have to marry every person your kid likes.

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8 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

What are your ages?

Does she ever come visit you or are you always the one traveling?

Do you feel like it is your job to entertain her? Make her happy?

I was in a similar situation with my ex wife.  She had no close friends, not a happy person, pretty selfish and not very apathetic.  I spent 20 years trying to MAKE her happy which was a fools errand.  I loved her so I didn't see things like they really were and I kept on trying.  Don't be like me, take the love goggles off and see her with clear vision.  I don't see this as any where near a healthy relationship.

  Lost  

I am 43 and she is 46.  She thinks she is in her early 20's sometimes and so do her friends when all I hear is about how much fun it is to go out and drink and eat.  
 

i notice that almost all of her friends live with their parents and so does a lot of her family.  I think they have a different outlook on life then I do (which is fine) but I have to realize this.  

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6 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Your girlfriend is arrogant.  Her dad died a year ago, and yes, grieving is an individual journey, but how does that mean, you still have to walk on egg shells around her when trying to talk about your friend?

And don't feel bad for your kid - having kids myself, they like anyone who spends quality time with them, and gets them gifts - they are easily wooed. 

I would leave her be. She takes you for granted.  She's not a keeper.

You do not have to marry every person your kid likes.

Thank you.  My mother says the same thing as you.   I am a firefighter and the guys here say that she is too moody at times  

 

 

 

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She's having midlife fun. It doesn't matter what her friends do or where they live. It doesn't matter that she enjoys drinking dining out etc.

What matters is that this seems to make you quite incompatible as you don't approve of her lifestyle and it seems like a stark contrast to being a struggling single parent.

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Wait what?

She lives with her parents at 46 years old?  Explain please???   Was there some horrible financial trouble?  Is she a widow and her husbands extended illness bankrupted her?

So she lives rent free, she doesn't work and she goes silent on you and will not answer when you call.

Tell us all again what you see in her?

  Lost

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16 hours ago, ynguns251 said:

Thank you.  My mother says the same thing as you.   I am a firefighter and the guys here say that she is too moody at times  

 

 

 

But that is based on your version, correct?  Do they know her personally?

I am not going to defend your lady, but your title of your post is about her being unempathetic.  Empathy is about understanding how the other person feels.   Do you know how she feels?  Is she surrounding herself with family and people and going out as a means to sooth her pain.  Are they supportive of what she's going through?  Just curious.

You say she doesn't talk about the loss of her father, but I am wondering do you provide her the opportunity?  The fact that got very bristley about your mention of someone else's father is very telling.  It's indicative about how much pain she might still be experiencing.  Instead of taking her tone personally, you might wonder what it going on for her.

Your comment about "i told you so' about her job isn't very empathetic.  I don't suppose she can go get another one easily right about now.

The pandemic is creating a variety of challenges for relationships.  This is the time for empathetic on both sides.  She doesn't seem very happy, at least by what you describe.  Do you have any understanding of that?  Or is she just *moody.

I just wanted to add another view on this.  I may be off, but there are two sides.

Ultimately, you two may be on entirely two different pages. But I'll assume it wasn't always this way.

Edited by reinventmyself
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You call her and she won't answer. It means she's stonewalling you or has shut you out. This is manipulative. 

It's your cue to step back and take a good look at whether you're putting more into the relationship than she is AND whether you want to do anything about it (ie. end it and move on). It sounds like the only thing keeping you there is that she's good with your daughter. What does that mean? Does your daughter have a relationship with her mother? 

I'm all for making relationships work but this isn't working and she's not working with you. If she continues to stonewall you, making excuses for her behaviour is only going to hurt you in the long run. It's one thing to disagree and another to completely shut someone out. There's resentment building on both sides and neither of you are communicating about it nor do you live close enough where you can visit each other easily. 

 

 

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On 1/21/2021 at 10:26 AM, lostandhurt said:

Wait what?

She lives with her parents at 46 years old?  Explain please???   Was there some horrible financial trouble?  Is she a widow and her husbands extended illness bankrupted her?

So she lives rent free, she doesn't work and she goes silent on you and will not answer when you call.

Tell us all again what you see in her?

  Lost

She lives on her own but pays for her mothers bills as her brother is unemployed and has been for years living at her moms ( rent free ) and his 18y/o son does nothing to help my girlfriends mother.  I went there in the summer and trimmed all her moms bushes and painted her fence and I watched as myself my gf and ber mom picked up all the debris and her brother and his son said "Looks good".  I was a little upset but said nothing. 

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On 1/21/2021 at 10:44 AM, reinventmyself said:

But that is based on your version, correct?  Do they know her personally?

I am not going to defend your lady, but your title of your post is about her being unempathetic.  Empathy is about understanding how the other person feels.   Do you know how she feels?  Is she surrounding herself with family and people and going out as a means to sooth her pain.  Are they supportive of what she's going through?  Just curious.

You say she doesn't talk about the loss of her father, but I am wondering do you provide her the opportunity?  The fact that got very bristley about your mention of someone else's father is very telling.  It's indicative about how much pain she might still be experiencing.  Instead of taking her tone personally, you might wonder what it going on for her.

Your comment about "i told you so' about her job isn't very empathetic.  I don't suppose she can go get another one easily right about now.

The pandemic is creating a variety of challenges for relationships.  This is the time for empathetic on both sides.  She doesn't seem very happy, at least by what you describe.  Do you have any understanding of that?  Or is she just *moody.

I just wanted to add another view on this.  I may be off, but there are two sides.

Ultimately, you two may be on entirely two different pages. But I'll assume it wasn't always this way.

I ask her about her father all the time.  I am sorry he died but I cannot change this.  I feel if she wants to talk about it she would  bring him up but when I do she kind of changes the subject.  I don't want to pry on her emotions and I understand it is hard but she needs to communicate with ne when upset.  

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8 hours ago, ynguns251 said:

I ask her about her father all the time. 

Don't do that. She doesn't have to talk to you about her father.

However this isn't about that. This is about not approving of her friends and family.

You may have to pull the plug as much as you may not want to. It's just not working out.

 

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8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't do that. She doesn't have to talk to you about her father.

However this isn't about that. This is about not approving of her friends and family.

You may have to pull the plug as much as you may not want to. It's just not working out.

 

I may for sure.  I get yelled at by her because she says I don't ask her about her father but then when I ask her she gets emotional then pissed off.  I see a therapist and he says that I should just stay clear of asking her and if she gets upset to tell her "I don't want to upset you as I have noticed before while asking"  and then leave it at this.   
 

She has a lot to deal with as her family does nothing to help her out with anything.  I try my best but I sure cannot change her circumstances.  

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On 1/21/2021 at 2:07 PM, Rose Mosse said:

You call her and she won't answer. It means she's stonewalling you or has shut you out. This is manipulative. 

It's your cue to step back and take a good look at whether you're putting more into the relationship than she is AND whether you want to do anything about it (ie. end it and move on). It sounds like the only thing keeping you there is that she's good with your daughter. What does that mean? Does your daughter have a relationship with her mother? 

I'm all for making relationships work but this isn't working and she's not working with you. If she continues to stonewall you, making excuses for her behaviour is only going to hurt you in the long run. It's one thing to disagree and another to completely shut someone out. There's resentment building on both sides and neither of you are communicating about it nor do you live close enough where you can visit each other easily. 

 

 

Thank you😊

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She lost her father, she's hitting menopause possibly, she's almost 50, midlife crisis....I can see it. Sometimes a relationship runs it's course because life changes us, making us go our separate ways. Letting go might be the best option here.

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I honestly think her hormones are off.  I am. Ot a doctor but I have many female friends who have told me this may be the issue.  I understand it is tough to go through but I can't be the punching bag. 

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