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I don’t trust my own judgment


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I’m currently talking to a man that I feel intensely drawn to, but also has some red flags. I’m not sure if I’m even right in thinking that or if I’m the issue myself. We’re in our late 20s. I’ve had a history of long term relationships with men that people around me would say weren’t good enough for me. But in these relationships, I’m always convinced by the male that I’m too sensitive or am wrong in how I feel. I’ve experienced different kinds of abuse and I always brushed things under the carpet and blamed myself. So I’m feeling like I don’t know when I’m being mistreated or not now, or if I’m genuinely just not doing something right. I’m quite sweet and loving towards men, and I’m often attracted to people that have a dark side. I want to give them love and maybe fix them which isn’t always good. I’ve been talking to someone that is a self described toxic person, but he tells me he wants to change. He’s very quick to tell me he loves me but also is quick to tell me I’m boring for not liking him saying racial slurs, he’s told me insults about what I look like and says they’re just jokes, he says I’m too sensitive and when he found out about a past suicidal time of my life he said I was childish. He doesn’t believe in mental health. He has very low tolerance for me being upset in any way yet he will be angry quickly. He will often say insults to me and then say they’re just jokes. I feel like I have no idea how to deal with this situation because I keep being told that I’m wrong. He will act really kind at times and then snaps back into saying things that catch me off guard. It’s like talking to two opposite people between the love and the nastiness. It’s confusing for me to know what to do and how to help him or myself. 

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What on earth do you see in this guy?  He's rude, he's a racist, he insults and demeans you.  Have you even met him?  Dump his ass, get yourself some therapy to develop some self esteem and find a decent man, which he is not.

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16 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

What on earth do you see in this guy?  He's rude, he's a racist, he insults and demeans you.  Have you even met him?  Dump his ass, get yourself some therapy to develop some self esteem and find a decent man, which he is not.

I think I maybe just needed some people to confirm with me that this is messed up. I’ve been made out like I’m crazy each time I say that some behaviour isn’t ok, it’s made me doubt myself because he’s so good at shutting down anything I have to say. You’re right I do need therapy honestly. I’m at an all time low and making bad decisions 

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This guy is grooming you.  Picks you up then puts you down, works on keeping you off guard all the time so you will never get your feet under you and take a stand.  He is right he is a toxic person.

Simple question:  Do you want to be in a relationship with a toxic racist?

  Do you think you can somehow teach him how not to be toxic or racist?

  You need to cut this guy off and to make sure he understands send him one message telling him it is over and you do not want to ever speak or hear from him ever again.  Then go total NC, block and delete him on everything.  If he finds a way to contact you ignore it, do not engage because he will suck you back in and you will have to start all over again.

If you are looking for people to agree with you that you should dump this guy we all vote YES!!!

  Lost

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1 hour ago, Missmars said:

 I’m often attracted to people that have a dark side. I want to give them love and maybe fix them .he’s told me insults about what I look like

Since it's a cyber-relationship, just delete and block this creep.

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It sounds like you are attracted to toxic, like a moth to a flame.  He has already told you he is toxic, yet you continue.  That makes no sense.  

You can't help others.  Look up codependence.  

HUGE, red flags which you are choosing to ignore.  Clearly this guy is abusive, and it is online, to boot.  

I suggest you block and delete this guy, then seek therapy and not date for at least a year.   You need to get the bottom of your self esteem issues, as this guy is a real POS!

Edited by Hollyj
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Take a time out for you and stop dating if you know you're making the wrong decisions. You already know in your gut that this isn't feeling good or right. Let it go. Lousy attention from the wrong people is not the kind of attention you want. 

I second the exploration on codependency and talking with a therapist. Hope you are okay today. Vent and chat if you need to talk on the forum. 

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Take a time out for you and stop dating if you know you're making the wrong decisions.

Yes, this. 

OP, this man is awful. But you already know this, I think. You need to get yourself emotionally-healthy before you can enjoy a truly loving relationship. Otherwise, you will continue to gravitate toward disturbed weirdos. 

Please, block this person. He's not someone you should even be talking to. 

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4 hours ago, Missmars said:

I’ve had a history of long term relationships with men that people around me would say weren’t good enough for me. But in these relationships, I’m always convinced by the male that I’m too sensitive or am wrong in how I feel. I’ve experienced different kinds of abuse and I always brushed things under the carpet and blamed myself. [...]  I’m often attracted to people that have a dark side. I want to give them love and maybe fix them which isn’t always good.

Unfortunately, it is standard human behaviour to make the same mistakes repeatedly, and that definitely includes relationships. This part of your post that I quoted tells me you need to think hard about why you are attracted to abusive people. I think you should maybe look into counselling to get out of that toxic loop. 

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5 hours ago, Missmars said:

I’m quite sweet and loving towards men, and I’m often attracted to people that have a dark side. I want to give them love and maybe fix them which isn’t always good.

- Nope.  You cannot 'fix' them.  Is how THEY are.  IF they want to improve, sometimes they need a professional.

 

5 hours ago, Missmars said:

toxic person, but he tells me he wants to change. He’s very quick to tell me he loves me but also is quick to tell me I’m boring for not liking him saying racial slurs, he’s told me insults about what I look like and says they’re just jokes, he says I’m too sensitive and when he found out about a past suicidal time of my life he said I was childish. He doesn’t believe in mental health.

- Note : Toxic ( Not good for you).

- You are 'currently talking to a man'- not actually involved? 

He does not 'love' you 😞  - Maybe himself though.. not sure.

- He does not believe in Mental health- wow!  Well, we have several levels of 'health'.. 

The Seven Dimensions of Wellness
  • Physical.
  • Emotional.
  • Intellectual.
  • Social.
  • Spiritual.
  • Environmental.
  • Occupational.
  • .............................................
  • And 3 forms of Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being

He is clearly negligent & stuck in his own world.. ( and you can guarantee he does have issue's of his own in this field.)

 

5 hours ago, Missmars said:

he will be angry quickly. He will often say insults to me and then say they’re just jokes.

- Ever hear of this saying? 'Behind every joke there is some Truth'.. ~> Most of the times when a person jokes about you he or she is actually expressing their true feelings about you intentionally or unintentionally.

 

5 hours ago, Missmars said:

It’s like talking to two opposite people between the love and the nastiness.

Yeah, I'd say.  He has issue's... for your own well-being, get away from someone like this.

Take some decent time on your own.. can you take a bit of time to work on your own mental health?  To aim at staying away from people like this and that 'need' of taking this crap from others- or a need to fix them?

To find someone out there, someday- of whom is decent, kind, respectful and cares more about you. ❤️ 

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5 hours ago, Missmars said:

I think I maybe just needed some people to confirm with me that this is messed up.

Yup, he is messed up!

Your judgment isn't that bad at all. 

Now, what you need to do, is LISTEN TO IT. 

That's the really hard part.

But here's your chance. Onward and upward!

And to help you on your way, here's a poem that I've found useful in times like this. I think you might be wandering around Chapter 3:

Autobiography in Five Chapters
by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1:
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I don't see it.
I fall in.
It isn't my fault.
It takes a long time to figure out how to get out of the hole.

Chapter 2:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3:
I walk down the same street with my eyes wide open.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it.
I fall in.
It's my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.

Edited by Jibralta
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