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Early stage dating and then an ex?


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Hi all,

Would love your opinion about this new dating experience I'm having. I've been dating a new girl for around 3 months. She asked me not to be seeing anyone else by around month 2, which I agreed too. We've been dating once per week during this time.

Over Christmas break, I traveled home for vacation (I live/work in a foreign country - her country). I was away over 3 weeks. When I got back we had a date night. On the date she told me an ex who she dated in spring for a few months reached out to her. She said that she met him a few times to talk, and let him know she wasn't interested. She said she was worried about telling me this, as she was scared to lose me. She said she had asked many of her friends about telling me this before she did.
 
I told her that I appreciated her telling me and that loyalty is very important to me. So then we got on with the date, and then had fun later. We set up a following date.
 
Do you think there's anything to this? I'm scratching my head.
 
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Well to be honest I find it kind of weird that she met up with her ex a few times just to say she's not interested. Especially considering she's been dating you exclusively for at least a month and overall dating three months. So especially as she's not single then why is she meeting her ex? I think she could have told him she's not interested by text or phone. And even if she thought it's kinder to do it in person then it wasn't necessary to meet him more than once. Why does she need a few meetings just to say she's not interested?

I'm guessing maybe she still had some feelings for her ex and she needed to meet him to resolve it. I'm not sure if she considered getting back together with him or not and that's why she met up with him a few times. I guess the good news is she chose you over him. Because if he was pursuing her and wanted her back and in the end she said she wasn't interested. So it means she wants to be with you over him. And I guess she told you the truth about meeting him and she was honest and didn't hide it. So it's up to you how you feel about all that I guess!

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I think it is strange that she had to meet him, and on more than one occasion.  All of it could have been done through text.   

Maybe she was scared that you guys were getting close (jitters) and wanted to be certain there were no residual feelings.   My bother's partner did this and then recognized my brother was what he wanted.  The were together for 15 years, before he passed on.  

Will they remain in contact?

Edited by Hollyj
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How do you feel about all this? What's your gut response? That's really the important question.

I can totally understand being thrown by this, in your shoes, as it inevitably triggers some questions, maybe some doubts and insecurities. I can also understand her position, as people don't arrive on the threshold of our lives in neatly wrapped packages, often have some loose threads that need to be handled in the early months, and can be a bit clumsy in the handling. 

My generous read would be something like: her ex poked at her, and she felt like she owed it to him and herself to meet up and hear each other out, to close the door. Very human, that. Yeah, it would have been nice if she'd been more forthcoming about it, but I think her telling you is a good sign. Means she doesn't want secrets and would rather you proceed with her—or not—with all this information.  

So, in your shoes, assuming I had a good feeling about her and her general character prior to this, I'd give it an understanding pass. Have a little chat about wanting to be more forthcoming in the future, along with what kind of boundaries you'd like with this ex and exes in general, and then continue to enjoy and observe, seeing how it all settles. 

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Enjoy your time together but be aware that they have a lot of unfinished business and are still talking. Proceed with caution and make sure you're not part of their triangle. He just happened to reach out while you were away?

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This could go either way.  She could be as Blue mentioned or she could have told you because she wanted to get it out there just in case someone saw them and it got back to you which of course is now all explained and perfectly innocent right?

  If you have questions then ask them and ask them right away.  Depending on what boundaries you are comfortable with those should be talked out then as well.  If she gets defensive then I would be more suspicious but if she is open and happy to explain the WHY and you feel okay about it then let it go.

Of course if you were just wondering what others thought and are really okay even if she wasn't sure how she still felt about the guy and wanted to close that door permanently then let it go and enjoy the new relationship.  BUT you should have the boundary talk anyways.

  Lost

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3 hours ago, Bosing said:

She said that she met him a few times to talk, and let him know she wasn't interested. She said she was worried about telling me this, as she was scared to lose me. She said she had asked many of her friends about telling me this before she did.

I may be off base, but if she was worried about losing you why did she meet up with him not only once, but twice?   If you read between the lines, it appears there's more questions than there are answers, (imo).

In short, I'd proceed with caution while keeping my eyes open...

 

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They only dated for a couple of months and she had to go see him twice??? She is lyinggggggggg to you. While you were gone he reached out and she went on a couple of dates with him is what happened. Hell with that buddy, that's a dealbreaker. She be cheaten.

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4 hours ago, Bosing said:

On the date she told me an ex who she dated in spring for a few months reached out to her. She said that she met him a few times to talk, and let him know she wasn't interested. She said she was worried about telling me this, as she was scared to lose me.

1) Could have been a point where she would not have told you about this...

2) As others mentioned.. WHY did they meet a few times, at all?

If I am done with an ex.. we remain done.  We don't meet up.  We don't do anything together. ( although, some people are fine & acceptable with being 'friends' with their ex- as long as no bad feelings...)

IMO, either he isn't done with her, or she isn't done with her past  - possibly?   .... AND, for sake of your relationship now, she really should NOT have been meeting up with him at all.

As mentioned, I would bring up respect & boundaries.  That IF she is truly interested in YOU, there need not be HIM still in the picture.

Is decent, at least that she told you all of this.... just hope that this doesn't re-occur.

Do YOU feel you trust her enough?  Is rocky sometimes in the beginning months, as a couple is still learning about each other and whether this is something they really want/ feel comfortable with...

Edited by SooSad33
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Some people remain friendly with exes or have had lives entwined for some time. If you want some answers I'm afraid the only person you'll get it from is her. I'd hold off on any assumptions or accusations for now and proceed with caution as mentioned above. 

She asked you for exclusivity and took some consideration debating whether or not to tell you. She told you and she was honest with you. However you choose to handle this will also make or break her trust in you so I wouldn't overreact. At the most this has been going on for 3-4 months so make your peace with it or let her go. 

Is this ultimately a long distance relationship? How often are you both able to meet? 

The LDR nature might be playing tricks on your mind as the distance also puts a strain or doubts into your mind about what she may be up to while you are away. 

I'd take the whole thing into consideration and see whether this is a viable long term dating scenario at all. If it isn't, don't blame it all on her ties to her ex. It's just not working for you.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Why did she tell you? Did she think you'd find out? If she saw him platonically seems to me it was none of your business and she did it just to create drama.  I also find it odd that she had to ask you not to date anyone else -did she just beat you to it or were you about to suggest the same? If not, why not?

My layperson read on it -she rushed things to tell herself -if I lock myself down I'll stop thinking about Ex.  Then you left for your trip and she thought about Ex.  Perhaps he reached out first but who cares -she agreed to meet him more than once because there is unfinished business.  Totally believable that nothing actually happened but she played with fire a bit.

Different story if while you were gone ex asked if he could meet up to give her some items she'd left at his place and perhaps a second time to give her a holiday gift or something in the way of making amends - quick meet ups with a purpose. I met up with my ex at least once after my husband and  I became exclusive -one time it was to have him transfer tons of music files onto my device. Difference is I told my boyfriend about it beforehand and ex knew I was serious with boyfriend and was completely appropriate.

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I'd have another discussion and ask: Just wondering who called who, and if he said he was interested in getting back together, why did you have to meet in person rather than telling him your answer on the phone?

I'm sure she wouldn't have remained as calm if you'd done something like that with an ex.

I'd be concerned if she was gauging if you're someone who will put up with her remaining in touch with exes if that's her style. 

If you think she's worth continuing on with while finding out more about her as a person, I'd have a discussion and make your boundaries crystal clear with her. Make sure she shares the same boundaries, because if not, the relationship is doomed. Be concrete and detailed to make sure there is no room for false assumptions.

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Thank you all. This is definitely a curve ball in the early dating game for me.

Because of a past rocky relationship I tend to lean conservative (aka @smackie9), but I'll have a chat first, get some more info on what went on, and let her know my boundaries if we're to continue seeing each other. She seems like a nice girl but if I had a dime for every time I heard that...:)

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Good plan

If you just tried to ignore that voice in your head it would just cause problems.  Best to clear the air right away and then decide what you want to do.

She could be a nice girl but have way different ideas on boundaries...

  Let us know how it goes

  Good luck!

   Lost

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I actually broke this off. Took time to bottom line her actions and decide that I'd not feel comfortable pursuing it.

She did take it well, and has been in touch trying to clarify the situation, (she met up twice not 3-4) as well as share other details. She's open to questioning which is good. And then followed up with, wants to prove she's trustworthy, give us time etc. I've a gut feeling nothing really went on, as that previous thing ended abruptly.

Anyway, going to take time to think it over, as I've left the door slightly open. Thank you all for discussing!

 

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I really don't see that it was a big deal. It's very early in your relationship. She wasn't unfaithful. She told you about it. She continues to remain transparent. But your comfort level is ultimately what you have to respect. 

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