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Hello,

So i am 24, my brother is 22 and we have a little sister from a different relationship who is 6. We all live at home with my mother and before you may wonder why i do still live at home at 24, my mother suffers with regular seizures. As much as i desire to move out i worry about the well being of my mother and also my little sister. The guilt of moving on with my life weighs on me terribly.

Firstly, our father hasn't been in our lives for over 10 years. Me being the oldest i witnessed a lot of what happened (my father was abusive) and i tried my very best to shield my brother from what was going on. I've noticed i also do same with my little sister, shielding her from any money issues my mother may have. 

From as early as i can remember i have supported my mother. As a child witnessing her in her abusive relationships, i would intervene and try my best to even physically protect her. As an adult i have taken out many loans to ensure there is food in the fridge, debts are cleared and so my little sister is able to keep a roof over her head. I really love my mum so much, there is literally nothing i wouldn't do for her, this is especially heightened now as she is getting older and is  visually unwell.

Out of all family members, including my brother, i have been the only person to have her back through every situation. In spite of all of this, my mother and i's relationship is very toxic. I've tried to sit down and make sense of it, but i cannot think of a reason as to why she dislikes me so much as we have never had a falling out and i have never been against her, ever.

My mother will start a fight with me whenever she gets an opportunity and as soon as i try to defend myself, she plays the victim. Once i walk away from the argument and no longer entertain it, i will often hear her poisoning the situation and retelling it to not only my brother but also my little sister who is only 6. I have a normal, loving relationship with my brother and my sister but i cant help but feel as though our relationships are also being effected by what she is telling them.

When we fight/ argue, although voices on both sides get raised, i NEVER insult her physically, threaten her or get personal with insults however my mother does every time. She will often dismiss anything i have to say to defend myself, speaks/ shouts over me so I'm not heard and will consistently mention my appearance and my weight (which she knows i have suffered with depression because of), she even gets in to my face and threatens me physically, although it has never happened.

Over the past year i have been working on myself heavily, both mentally and physically. I have been focusing on loving myself and dieting so that i fall in love with my body again (which is working!) and I've also been blessed enough to get a new job in the last week after being made redundant due to Covid in June. I genuinely have felt so much happier in myself and i cant help but think this is my mothers trigger. When she insults me in arguments she will mention things she knows brings or once brought me a lot of pain, as if shes trying to bring me back to the hurt i once felt. I dont understand why she does she? It is as though i cannot do anything right for her, no matter what extent i go to.

I think i have over compensated over the years with my mother because i genuinely have only ever wanted her to love me the way i see she loves my brother and my sister, but no matter how much of an olive branch i offer or how much money or gifts i give her, it will never be enough, she just hates me. When she is not seeking an argument i have asked her why her relationship with me is different to the others but she dismisses this and tells me its in my head but we both know its not.

I guess i need to get my head around moving out and away from the toxic environment but i would never forgive myself if something happened to my mum and i wasn't around to help her.

Thank you 🙂

 

 

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Sometimes if we bond with people through trauma like I did with my mom you become heavily interdependent and boundaries become non existent and abuse can rebound especially if both people have had no therapy for their past abuse. 
 

Is there anyway you can get therapy for yourself ? 

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5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Sometimes if we bond with people through trauma like I did with my mom you become heavily interdependent and boundaries become non existent and abuse can rebound especially if both people have had no therapy for their past abuse. 
 

Is there anyway you can get therapy for yourself ? 

Hey and thank you for your reply!

this is super interesting to me because i can definitely see how we would have a trauma bond. I personally have started therapy over the last couple of months which seems to be helping as i find communicating a lot easier, however my mother has never and doesn't have any plans to do so x

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My guess is she also doesn’t hate you she is just turning her extreme anger at your father on you. She is not differentiating between people. She is just so enraged it bubbles out. But she is destroying herself with that. 

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You are doing a great deal for your family, that's commendable! 🙂

I understand wanting to please your mum, but at the end of the day - either our parents accept us for who we are or they don't (as much as it really hurts us). Sometimes parents behave a certain way because of the way they were brought up, their past, or their circumstances, etc. That doesn't make the behaviour okay but it gives us a bit of clarity as to why they are who they are.

So whilst you love her even if she doesn't show appreciation, you don't have to tolerate her behaviour. Leave the room if she starts to put you down / start a fight. And please remember that you are courageous and beautiful, regardless of what your mum says.

Would you be able to move out, but still help them out financially? That way you wouldn't have to deal with all that drama.

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  • 2 months later...

Your mother sounds narcissistic who’s pegged you as the black sheep. I would leave that toxic situation for your own sanity. Narcissistic people make you feel guilty for not doing enough for them or for caring for yourself by setting boundaries. She’s not as helpless as you think and may even resent your involvement. Put yourself first and leave. She won’t die without you. You’re acting like her parent, which is very damaging. 

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My situation is pretty much identical. (If you look on my threads I've made a bunch about it)

 

I don't have any solid resolution for why my mother treated me the way she did so I don't know why your mother did the same... 

 

My only advice: (this may not be "great" advice but its self preservation) if you could learn how to be "numb" about it (like not sitting there dwelling on it and making yourself feel bad) you can survive it. Just get to a numb place where it doesn't bother you and then stay there (stay numb) so you can eventually move forward. There is something terribly wrong with parents that do this. There's something mentally ill about your mother that makes her treat you like this. (My mother is the same way) and I gave up on her a while ago, tolerate your mother until you move out but for your survival you need to create distance between you two. She knows what she is doing is wrong. Mothers aren't stupid. Mothers can see pain on their childs face. Psychologists have been trying to understand this phenomenon for decades and there's no definite reason parents do this. My mothers actions placed her in a distant place in my mind; my relationship with her will always be distant because that's what's best for my happiness. 

 

One day you'll be a parent and you'll be able to dodge her mistakes. 

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Also... I'd like to emphasize this again: she is mentally ill and it's too late to "fix" the situation. Chances are she won't be responsive about it and may even get offended. You are dealing with someone who is soo mentally ill and probably soo use to having you as the black sheep/mistreating you that she's probably not even self aware enough to fix the issue. 

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