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Confused, does she still care


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Background: 

Been in a relationship for 2+ years and usually we are pretty good with this relationship stuff. I’m pretty vocal and I encourage communication but lately my girlfriend just seems off, but she doesn’t say anything. 
 

Issue:

I feel like I am an inconvenience at times and it seems like when I ask her to hang or do something I’m the only one who makes an effort to plan something. Now I know she doesn’t really care what we do and is fine if we just hang out and do nothing. I am an over thinker at times so I just feel like she’s fed up and over hanging out and rather hang out with our friends instead.

At times it seems like she wants to only hang out with me if our friends are there (but it probably isn’t like that). Sometimes I feel like I’m better off not bothering to ask to hang out anymore because I feel she will just die of boredom. 

I can’t tell if she actually cares anymore.  

She also rarely asks to come over anymore. Now I understand that we are in college, but she seems to have so much time for our friends, yet when it comes to hanging with me it seems like a hassle. 
 

Not sure what kind of help I’m looking for, but any feedback would help. You can bash me for being an over thinker or if you think my thoughts and behavior is toxic let me know. A lot of this probably comes from me being an over thinker.
 

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Is there someone else? She seems easy going, yet checked out.

Lack of quality time is pretty unengaging. Think of some more interesting stuff to do than "hanging out".

Do something one on one that encourages some kind of conversation. 

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Well I actually think if after two years your girlfriend has legitimately started to avoid hanging out with you then you're not over thinking. You're in a long-term relationship so it's not really normal that she doesn't want to spend time with you anymore. If nothing is wrong with her life otherwise and she's still the same person and socialising with others then something is up. I think you should talk to her about it directly and ask what's going on. You deserve to be with a girl who is invested in your relationship and wants to be with you and spend time with you. If she's drifting off from you then what's the point to continue the relationship? You need to be with someone who actually WANTS to be around you.

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4 hours ago, randomgrapes said:

At times it seems like she wants to only hang out with me if our friends are there (but it probably isn’t like that).

Well, that's a pretty hard thing to mistake. 

How does she respond when you suggest spending time alone together? Does she only really say yes when it's a group outing/meet-up? 

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On 1/19/2021 at 3:41 AM, randomgrapes said:

Sometimes I feel like I’m better off not bothering to ask to hang out anymore because I feel she will just die of boredom. 

Well, you might be too preemptive. By pulling back and allowing GF to show you her preferred pace, you'll learn whether that will be enough for you--and whether you've been leading too much and depriving yourself of this information.

Make yourself busy doing your own thing, and let GF do the inviting. That's how you'll answer your own questions.

Head high, and read my sig.

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Do you have any thoughts about why she may be more interested in hanging out with friends? What did both of you bond over when you first got together as a couple? 

What do you do outside of the relationship? I'm leaning more towards bumping up your priorities and interests and rediscovering what else makes you happy outside of a relationship. 

She may be losing interest and if that's the case... when someone wants to walk out of your life, I like to think it's best holding the door open for that person. It means that they don't value you enough to stick it out with you or see that your lows are worth your highs too. Neglect destroys trust in a relationship and she may not know that because she's too naive or too much of a coward to do anything about it or acknowledge it. Very often the easiest thing to do is to turn a blind eye and pretend we don't see what we don't want to see.

It is your life though and you can call a spade a spade. Ask her what's bothering her and let her know you're feeling a bit distant. Often these slight nuances in relationships, even in marriages, end in neglect overall and one party's lack of acknowledgement for any number of reasons (mental health issues too). 

You don't deserve to be with someone who can't see your worth. And you should feel better about yourself as a person without someone helping you downwards or feeling inadequate. Look at the whole situation and see whether there's anything else you can do. Once you've explored the options and possibilities, then make a decision about whether this relationship is helping you grow or holding you back.

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2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Well, you might be too preemptive. By pulling back and allowing GF to show you her preferred pace, you'll learn whether that will be enough for you--and whether you've been leading too much and depriving yourself of this information.

Make yourself busy doing your own thing, and let GF do the inviting. That's how you'll answer your own questions.

Head high, and read my sig.

I agree with this approach.  Her actions will make things clear.

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2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Well, you might be too preemptive. By pulling back and allowing GF to show you her preferred pace, you'll learn whether that will be enough for you--and whether you've been leading too much and depriving yourself of this information.

Make yourself busy doing your own thing, and let GF do the inviting. That's how you'll answer your own questions.

 

^ I second this.  Great post.

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