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What should I do? to message her or not to message her...


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Hi all, I'll try keep this brief.

Me (21F) and this girl (23F) have kinda had an unspoken attraction towards each other for a while now. First time we met she told me she liked me, but I wasn't really ready for anything and it was quite unexpected.

Since then we've seen each other every now and then in group settings but nothing has happened. However, in November we were at a party (I live in a COVID free country thank god), and she finally made a move on me and I showed her that I was attracted to her too, but she was too drunk and I was sober so nothing happened. Afterwards I messaged her to ask her what she was thinking about everything and we both said we really liked each other but not only do we live in different cities now, but also she said she was in a weird place mentally atm and not ready for anything serious. I understood and agreed, and we both said we would see each other when we were next in the same city. We talked over a few days after that conversation but we haven't spoken in about a month.

I'm not sure what to do now. I would love to talk to her and I still have feelings for her, but I'm not sure if I should also just give her space so she can figure her stuff out. We will potentially be in the same city at the end of Feb/beginning of March but only if I message her to ask her plans probably. I don't want to be overbearing, but I still like her, and I don't know what she's thinking about everything.

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All of the space. Even better mentally write her off for now. She’s not in the right headspace to date which means she can’t date at the moment. Maybe she’ll be back in a year or so and seek you out and something will blossom but the best thing you can do for now is live your life as though that won’t happen.

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12 minutes ago, LucyMac said:

not sure if I should also just give her space so she can figure her stuff out

Yup, do this.  She has admitted her instablity ( you met up with her- her drunk).  Hope that's not part of the problem 😞 

Either way, just leave her be for a while.  Glad she came out with you & was honest.

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I appreciate both of your thoughts on this. It's just so hard to get over her. Especially as I know she gets in her head about this stuff and I heard from another friend that she said she thinks I'm out of her league (which is bs in my opinion). I feel like we could be great together and I know we both really like each other (this is whole thing is like two years in the making). And if we said that we would see each other when we are in the same city again I know she wants to.... and the thing in Feb is my birthday which I was thinking about asking if she wanted to come up for. (our birthdays are also only a few days apart :/)

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Well I actually think that it's OK to message her and see if she's coming to your city end of February and see if she wants to catch up. But I think you should keep your messages just friendly and casual and not come across as pushy or anything. She said it's not really good timing for her so I think if you come on too strong it may push her away. Maybe just message her and ask how she is and try to start a conversation. Ask her if she would like to meet when she's in your city for a coffee/walk/dinner, whatever it might be. But maybe try not to have high expectations because you don't live in the same place now and nothing has really happened between you before. So even if you kiss it might be not what you expected. At this stage you've never dated her at all so you don't actually know if you're right for each other. And if she goes away after her visit then you won't see her again. So maybe try not to get too attached or think too much of this.

 

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4 minutes ago, LucyMac said:

I appreciate both of your thoughts on this. It's just so hard to get over her. Especially as I know she gets in her head about this stuff and I heard from another friend that she said she thinks I'm out of her league (which is bs in my opinion). I feel like we could be great together and I know we both really like each other (this is whole thing is like two years in the making). And if we said that we would see each other when we are in the same city again I know she wants to.... and the thing in Feb is my birthday which I was thinking about asking if she wanted to come up for. (our birthdays are also only a few days apart :/)

But don't you think if nothing happened after two years then maybe there's a reason for that? Like is this girl interested in you for real or maybe she just finds you a bit cute? I often think people are kinda cute but I wouldn't actually want to date them. I think there's a difference between actually having real feelings for someone and wanting a relationship and just having a bit of a crush on someone.

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Well pretty much the whole time we have known each other we haven't lived in the same city, but we both visit each city fairly regularly as I'm originally from the city she lives in and vice versa (also we live in New Zealand so travel isn't far and is very easy). And to be fair I never really made a move either even though we both knew we liked each other, we are both quite shy and not forward. 

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5 hours ago, LucyMac said:

Well pretty much the whole time we have known each other we haven't lived in the same city, but we both visit each city fairly regularly as I'm originally from the city she lives in and vice versa (also we live in New Zealand so travel isn't far and is very easy). And to be fair I never really made a move either even though we both knew we liked each other, we are both quite shy and not forward. 

Well I think after two years maybe you should finally make a move and see what happens! You can message her and ask her to go on a date when she comes to your city. Then see how it goes and try to kiss her. But as I mentioned don't get your hopes up because you've never been on any dates at all and never kissed or done anything romantic. I think before getting invested you really should just take it slow and see how it goes. Just because you think each other is cute doesn't always mean it'll eventuate. But I think you should give it a go and in the very least see if you should pursue it or if you should just move on. Good luck with this girl but if it doesn't work out you could try using the HER dating app. It's an app just for women who are romantically into women. I've used it and it's pretty good.

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6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I actually think that it's OK to message her and see if she's coming to your city end of February and see if she wants to catch up. But I think you should keep your messages just friendly and casual 

Yes, I agree. I don't see the harm in dropping her a line, just to take her proverbial temperature and see how she responds. 

I would not recommending inviting her to your city to spend your birthday(s) together, though. That's too much and raises the expectations too high when you haven't even been on a date with her yet. 

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