Jump to content

How? Young & sexless in the 21st century


Recommended Posts

I'm male, 20y. In college, arranging to get a job -

I have timid nature, very skinny and small frame - and look ~~4y+ young than my actual age

Some might say that latter statement is a advantage, I suppose it will turn into it, but probably 10y from now.

Actually, teenage girls are the ones to show interest - some of which are off-limits and don't get my attention

 

    From this, U might already guess that women my age (and slightly below too..) don't quite show interest. I've had a couple of opportunities here and there throughout my life, but never took it further than some make-out sessions. 


 My options seem online dating (which does not turn well as well, bc they are very looks-based) and maybe trying my hand at clubs, bars approaching women and trying to meet new people. 

 

How do I take it from here?

Anybody has a similar history, can relate, suggestions, I'll take it with a open mind.

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well I'm not sure if my response will be helpful because I'm a 36-year-old woman and I had my first boyfriend and did some sexual stuff when I was 16 and pretty sure I had sex when I was about 17-18. But honestly just because some people have sex or date when they're younger doesn't mean that there's something wrong if you haven't done it. My ex fiance lost his virginity at 20 and some other male friends I have said they lost it in their early 20's as well. You are still young so it's not like you're a "40 year old virgin" like in that movie with Steve Carrell lol 

I know it's hard to be shy as a male because women just always expect guys to do all the chasing. I think online dating can be fine because not all apps are only looks based. I would suggest not using Tinder because Tinder is actually quite shallow. I think OK Cupid is good and from my experience there are people of all types and shapes and sizes there. It doesn't seem like people are that shallow there or anything. Besides not every girl is a supermodel either, there are plenty of girls and women who are average. In fact most people are average so you don't need to worry about your looks. Trust me looking younger will be an advantage. I'm 36 and I would love to look younger lol

I think you should start putting yourself out there and going to as many social events and parties as possible. You're in college so surely there are plenty of opportunities to socialise? Don't worry if you don't hook up or have sex. Just enjoy socialising with girls and building your confidence. I guarantee you will get a girl sooner rather than later. Don't worry if you get rejected, it happens to everyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think just using this time (7-10 years probably) to really work on yourself and develop yourself, socially, physically (working out, building muscle etc) and your career goals would probably be the best idea.

Men's attractiveness, unless they don't take care of themselves, actually goes up with age, so you're probably going to be a lot more sexually attracted to a wider range of (adult aged) women in 7-10, even 15 years from now.  

There's no rush.  At all!!!  

Just focus on developing your overall life and happiness on your own, figure out your hobbies that fulfill you, etc. and believe me, all of that will increase your attractiveness overtime as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think just using this time (7-10 years probably) to really work on yourself and develop yourself, socially, physically (working out, building muscle etc) and your career goals would probably be the best idea.

Men's attractiveness, unless they don't take care of themselves, actually goes up with age, so you're probably going to be a lot more sexually attracted to a wider range of (adult aged) women in 7-10, even 15 years from now.  

There's no rush.  At all!!!  

Just focus on developing your overall life and happiness on your own, figure out your hobbies that fulfill you, etc. and believe me, all of that will increase your attractiveness overtime as well.

Yes, personally I'm a desperate 36-year-old single woman so if you were my age you'd be a total catch to me 😂

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's crazy how men's attractiveness can really go up with age (to a point I think).  

There was a man I know who was much like the OP described when younger, but then as he got older, even into his 40's even his own wife was like, "you're even more attractive than when we first met (in their 20's)!" and it's true.

My husband also, I married him very young (he was 23), and he's gotten more attractive with age, to other women as well (it's objectively more attractive, not just me seeing it).

He should work on his own life in these years, really try to round himself out and figure out things he loves to do on his own.  Learn to be happy being single.  

Then he'll become the kind of man who attracts a high quality woman naturally.

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think just using this time (7-10 years probably) to really work on yourself and develop yourself, socially, physically (working out, building muscle etc) and your career goals would probably be the best idea.

Men's attractiveness, unless they don't take care of themselves, actually goes up with age, so you're probably going to be a lot more sexually attracted to a wider range of (adult aged) women in 7-10, even 15 years from now.  

There's no rush.  At all!!!  

Just focus on developing your overall life and happiness on your own, figure out your hobbies that fulfill you, etc. and believe me, all of that will increase your attractiveness overtime as well.

I see. Well, this is my plan as of now, just focus on myself
I've got career plans, hobbies, read lot, have what to talk about. Ik I'm a interesting person and able to talk w people despite being shy. Once I get involved people usually talk about stuff they don't trust other people to hear.

Issue revolves around getting to know new people
And secondly, women that'd see me sexually

 

I just don't feel like neglecting that part of my life for so long, I Could - and did - a while ago, but now its just way stronger necessity than it ever was

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, maritalbliss86 said:

It's crazy how men's attractiveness can really go up with age (to a point I think).  

There was a man I know who was much like the OP described when younger, but then as he got older, even into his 40's even his own wife was like, "you're even more attractive than when we first met (in their 20's)!" and it's true.

My husband also, I married him very young (he was 23), and he's gotten more attractive with age, to other women as well (it's objectively more attractive, not just me seeing it).

He should work on his own life in these years, really try to round himself out and figure out things he loves to do on his own.  Learn to be happy being single.  

Then he'll become the kind of man who attracts a high quality woman naturally.

guess that's why they say men age like wine ay

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I'm not sure if my response will be helpful because I'm a 36-year-old woman and I had my first boyfriend and did some sexual stuff when I was 16 and pretty sure I had sex when I was about 17-18. But honestly just because some people have sex or date when they're younger doesn't mean that there's something wrong if you haven't done it. My ex fiance lost his virginity at 20 and some other male friends I have said they lost it in their early 20's as well. You are still young so it's not like you're a "40 year old virgin" like in that movie with Steve Carrell lol 

I know it's hard to be shy as a male because women just always expect guys to do all the chasing. I think online dating can be fine because not all apps are only looks based. I would suggest not using Tinder because Tinder is actually quite shallow. I think OK Cupid is good and from my experience there are people of all types and shapes and sizes there. It doesn't seem like people are that shallow there or anything. Besides not every girl is a supermodel either, there are plenty of girls and women who are average. In fact most people are average so you don't need to worry about your looks. Trust me looking younger will be an advantage. I'm 36 and I would love to look younger lol

I think you should start putting yourself out there and going to as many social events and parties as possible. You're in college so surely there are plenty of opportunities to socialise? Don't worry if you don't hook up or have sex. Just enjoy socialising with girls and building your confidence. I guarantee you will get a girl sooner rather than later. Don't worry if you get rejected, it happens to everyone.

I agree, its okay to start late and all. IT just recently has become something that hurts to neglect

"I know it's hard to be shy as a male because women just always expect guys to do all the chasing" -- well, I'm willing to change a little to get it, won't act out of myself, but definitely will have to be bolder

"I'm 36 and I would love to look younger lol"
This is where our differences come in.. Women look for older partners on average, and my age specifically, women aren't necessarily looking for partners yet, rather studying and having fun, so am not of much value for them

 

Also, men's and women's priorities in dating are not only different, but also change throughout life..
Feel like for us men it's way more physical, speaking strictly about sex, we see younger women as simply more attractive
Now when it comes to more serious stuff, that's where her personality, if she has any interests or passion she pursues & how good of a mother she'd be comes into play.

"I think you should start putting yourself out there and going to as many social events and parties as possible. You're in college so surely there are plenty of opportunities to socialise? Don't worry if you don't hook up or have sex. Just enjoy socialising with girls and building your confidence. I guarantee you will get a girl sooner rather than later. Don't worry if you get rejected, it happens to everyone."
There were (as of now online classes), made lots of friends - but my college its just a bunch of dudes bc its STEM only

Regardless, I will

Link to post
Share on other sites
15 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

It's crazy how men's attractiveness can really go up with age (to a point I think).  

There was a man I know who was much like the OP described when younger, but then as he got older, even into his 40's even his own wife was like, "you're even more attractive than when we first met (in their 20's)!" and it's true.

My husband also, I married him very young (he was 23), and he's gotten more attractive with age, to other women as well (it's objectively more attractive, not just me seeing it).

He should work on his own life in these years, really try to round himself out and figure out things he loves to do on his own.  Learn to be happy being single.  

Then he'll become the kind of man who attracts a high quality woman naturally.

I love doing a lot of things on my own, its of my nature

It's just at my age, sex (and companionship ofc) feels like a need. Not being appreciated in this manner takes a toll on my mental health. I rather not spend time thinking about it, and just doing my ***, but can't ignore it.

And paradoxically, the more you need it - the harder u try - the less u get, bc it turns u into a needy person which ofc is very unattractive.
Trying not to get feelings for any girl is a hassle lol


mind you, on avg men have 3x the sex drive of women

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, b1x009 said:

I agree, its okay to start late and all. IT just recently has become something that hurts to neglect

"I know it's hard to be shy as a male because women just always expect guys to do all the chasing" -- well, I'm willing to change a little to get it, won't act out of myself, but definitely will have to be bolder

"I'm 36 and I would love to look younger lol"
This is where our differences come in.. Women look for older partners on average, and my age specifically, women aren't necessarily looking for partners yet, rather studying and having fun, so am not of much value for them

 

Also, men's and women's priorities in dating are not only different, but also change throughout life..
Feel like for us men it's way more physical, speaking strictly about sex, we see younger women as simply more attractive
Now when it comes to more serious stuff, that's where her personality, if she has any interests or passion she pursues & how good of a mother she'd be comes into play.

"I think you should start putting yourself out there and going to as many social events and parties as possible. You're in college so surely there are plenty of opportunities to socialise? Don't worry if you don't hook up or have sex. Just enjoy socialising with girls and building your confidence. I guarantee you will get a girl sooner rather than later. Don't worry if you get rejected, it happens to everyone."
There were (as of now online classes), made lots of friends - but my college its just a bunch of dudes bc its STEM only

Regardless, I will

Well do the dudes have any sisters or female friends? Do they throw any parties or go to any events with female friends? I think you need to network more! Most of my friends are female as well but I still met guys through them. One ex of two years was actually my friend's son because my friend was a 60-year-old woman (I was 23). She was my classmate at university. Yes, super weird but just shows you can meet people anywhere. Another ex, one of my female acquaintances set me up with him. 

Basically the rule of thumb to meet the opposite sex is to really put yourself out there. This might sound crazy but you could also join some hobby groups or classes that are predominantly made of girls. Like a book club, art class, cooking class. One of my female friends did woodwork and she was the only girl in the class with all these guys! Sometimes girls will give you more attention if you're the only guy there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, b1x009 said:

I love doing a lot of things on my own, its of my nature

It's just at my age, sex (and companionship ofc) feels like a need. Not being appreciated in this manner takes a toll on my mental health. I rather not spend time thinking about it, and just doing my ***, but can't ignore it.

And paradoxically, the more you need it - the harder u try - the less u get, bc it turns u into a needy person which ofc is very unattractive.
Trying not to get feelings for any girl is a hassle lol


mind you, on avg men have 3x the sex drive of women

Well I still think you'll get more of a result actually trying than not trying at all.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Well do the dudes have any sisters or female friends? Do they throw any parties or go to any events with female friends? I think you need to network more! Most of my friends are female as well but I still met guys through them. One ex of two years was actually my friend's son because my friend was a 60-year-old woman (I was 23). She was my classmate at university. Yes, super weird but just shows you can meet people anywhere. Another ex, one of my female acquaintances set me up with him. 

Basically the rule of thumb to meet the opposite sex is to really put yourself out there. This might sound crazy but you could also join some hobby groups or classes that are predominantly made of girls. Like a book club, art class, cooking class. One of my female friends did woodwork and she was the only girl in the class with all these guys! Sometimes girls will give you more attention if you're the only guy there.

I see

I will!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP....you are barely 20..... so you have some choices to make right now. You can wrap this "I'm shy and skinny and no girl wants me" blanket around you and live in increasingly bitter misery....OR....you can shred it and live the kind of life you want to live.

You want to defeat shyness? Take some drama classes, public speaking classes, debate classes. No better cure for shyness than having to get up and make a fool out of yourself on purpose. Learn to laugh at yourself, be goofy and life will become so much easier for you. Being social is learned behavior.

As for being skinny or baby faced.... The skinny part is ye olde "there is a lid for every pot". I've never liked beefy guys and have always been attracted to skinny guys....like the more of a stick the better. My point is that I'm not the only woman or unique like that. Different women have different tastes. Also, there is a study floating out there that women in their 20's actually prefer baby faced guys. So you aren't exactly at a disadvantage there and as you rightly realize, the older you get, the more of an advantage that will be.

There is only one universal turn off for all women - lack of self assurance and confidence in yourself. I may love a stick built guy, but the moment he opens his mouth and dumps his insecurities about that on me....I'm out. At the end of the day, there is nothing sexier or more appealing than a person who is genuinely comfortable in their own skin - work on that and the rest will fall in place.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you aren't getting all the attention at that age, I'd consider it a compliment. Take it in stride. It means that you have time to work on yourself and become the man that you want to be without the wrong types of attention or distractions.

Men like you grow irresistibly and age like fine wine. Keep working on your college education and your career. 

Everything in good time. When the time comes you'll know you've reached your destination and have lots more to accomplish and achieve. You won't have to worry about women. As long as you remain true to yourself and your ideals or what you want out of life, everything will fall into place. 

Good for you for continuing to meet people in general. I think it opens us up to new perspectives on the world, blunts our selfish natures and creates so much more inclusivity and solidarity. Create friendships. Romance will come all on its very own. Don't you worry about that.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, b1x009 said:

And secondly, women that'd see me sexually

 

I think the issue is what you stated in your original post... that only under-aged girls see you sexually right now.

That will change if you become (overtime probably) a more objectively attractive man.  Trust me.  I've seen it many times over.

Link to post
Share on other sites

if you want older women to notice then dress more mature/sharper. If you dress the part, you get more confidence from how you look. College kid, backpack and running shoes ain't gonna cut it. Dress for success.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think this is my first post here in over a year... Anyways, here goes...

Based on what you described, you are short, skinny and look younger than you are. If you add spotty and Chinese to that list, that's basically me about a decade ago. I wasn't quite a virgin at that point, but I didn't have much success with girls. As for the future, I got good news and bad news.

The bad news is that we're not the type of guy girls just can't resist jumping on for a holiday fling or rebound sex, so casual sex is pretty much off the table. You can also more or less forget about Tinder-type dating apps too, they are horrible for men unless you are top 10%-20%. Your "dry spell" might last for quite a while longer. Mine lasted most of my 20s, though I did sort of get depressed and give up on dating for a few years.  

The good news is that (generally speaking) women are less shallow than men when it comes to physical appearance. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to keep on top of your grooming and wardrobe. Dressing sharp, working out and taking care of your hygiene won't do your chances any harm. Also your metabolism will probably slow down soon-ish to enable you to build some bulk. But by far the best thing you can do is to make something of yourself as a man. Women love winners, go-getters, guys with drive, intelligence, energy, vision, ideals, knowledge and of course, money. Humans are social animals, start climbing towards the top of a social hierarchy, any hierarchy, and women will flock to you regardless of height, build or your jawline. It gets even better, you don't even necessarily need to succeed for high quality women to give you a chance. You just need to be earnest and demonstrate that you are an interesting person to be with and will be a capable provider and guardian for your potential family. 

In my late teens and early 20s, I was really insecure about how I looked and whether I'd ever find somebody. By my mid-20s I had sunk into depression and despair (not just cos of my non-existent love life). But as I started to turn my life around in my late 20s, getting dates and meeting women has come quite naturally. I'm 32 now and far from successful (and the pandemic has really thrown a spanner in my plans), but I've dated women who I would have thought impossible when I was 20, including my current girlfriend. 


TLDR; Don't worry about girls in the short term. Make yourself a healthy, capable, successful, knowlegeable and interesting man, and you'll be amazed what life can bring. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...