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My fiancée and i have been together for 5 years. Early on in the relationship the sex life was very good and very often. It has now got to the point where we have sex once a month. I have made comments to him and he will make comments that he is older and just not able to have a sex life like we used to (hes 41) Ive accepted that maybe his sex drive was just reduced and it wasn’t just me. Now i have mixed feelings, recently i found out that daily as soon as i leave for work he wakes up and watches porn. He doesn’t masterbate, but does this daily. My question is, i don't care if he watches porn, but is it normal to watch porn as soon as your significant other leave, not masterbate and then not have sex with me? I feel like this contradicts the low sex drive and makes me feel inadequate. 

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I honestly don't know of any men that watch porn for any reason other than masturbation..
He might have sex drive issues? Are there other problems in the relationship that would explain this behavior ?

 

IDK how things work at the stage, I'm very young, so take it with a grain of salt

 

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A couple things may contribute to this.

1) Yes, it can reduce between a couple over time - maybe a little less but once a week..?

2) Reduced sex drive for a reason.. low testosterone ( but not sure for one only beginning their 40's).

Does he have diabetes? or any other health issue's (mental or physical?)

As for watching porn.. as mentioned above, usually they watch it for that reason.

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No medical issues. Its odd I know, but he doesn’t masterbate. I guess that’s what makes it odder to me. One would think if you have that much interest in watching sexually pleasureful things you would want to be fulfilled, and if you don’t masterbate that would be with your significant other. The rest of the relationship is good, we get along well, never fight. 

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I'm assuming you're just taking his word for it that he doesn't pleasure himself daily with the porn. That would be the most logical reason he doesn't want to have sex with a real live woman as often as he used to. Read articles on porn addiction and you will see it actually changes the neurons of the brain. His go-to for arousal will be porn and a real woman doesn't do it for him as much anymore.

How many months or years was the amount satisfactory for you? Does he work? Is he exhausted from work, not work, or is his energy level fine after work? Do you have a few days off together or do your work schedules differ? Is he on antidepressants or diabetes medicine?

Why doesn't he care to please you when you're unhappy with once a month? Sounds like he only made an excuse and hasn't come to a consensus with you.

Sexual satisfaction should be a must-have for choosing a lifetime partner. Otherwise, as you can see, it will be a lifetime of frustration and dissatisfaction for you.

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He doesn't want to have sex with a real life woman but he watches porn every morning as soon as you leave for work???   The porn is the problem.  He has trained his brain/desires to only react to fantasy women.  No one can compete with fantasy.

Porn is pretty boring just to watch don't you think?   I am curious what kind/type of porn is he watching?

First off do not marry this man unless you want a totally sexless marriage.  Then sit down with him and have an open and frank discussion about his porn watching and how it has negatively affected YOUR sex life.  He will deny it has anything to do with his low libido but that is BS.  Suggest he gets a full physical including having his T levels checked.  At 41 it will be declining but I seriously doubt it is the culprit.   I am 56 and mine works just fine and if it didn't and my T levels were low I would do what ever it took to get them back up. 

  Does he work?  Why doesn't he get up with you in the morning?  Why doesn't he want you in the morning?   How do you know for sure he isn't rubbing one out each morning?    

 

Lost

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I'm very sorry. Feeling inadequate in a relationship is the lowest of the low. No good at all and he ought to know that it's having that effect on you. I don't think anyone in their right mind in a long term relationship would want to hurt you like that. If it is an addiction he should be open with you and willing to have it addressed as soon as possible with a professional. Don't brush this under the carpet.

See whether he's open to discussing this more with you. Hold off on any judgments and criticisms at the moment. If it's an addiction, you can make a decision as a couple about whether this is something that can be treated or whether the relationship goes any further than this. 

 

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He doesn’t know i know of his porn watching, i checked his phone, because i was actually concerned maybe he was being unfaithful but I really don’t think so. He watches Jerk mate, just women masterbating. I know he doesn’t masterbate because he says he hasn’t since he was a teen. Never enjoyed it. He has had a very active sex life his entire life and doesn’t enjoy masterbation. We have very similar work schedules so that is definitely not the problem. I leave pretty early, he lays asleep until i leave then he is right up. I guess i just need to have a talk with him. Maybe low T, who knows. 

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Hmmm

So he says he doesn't masturbate.... How many men have told that lie I wonder???

This may seem like a dumb question but if he isn't that interested in sex then why watch porn?  It's like telling everyone you hate football but secretly watch it when no one is around.  There is some truth in all of this but you are not getting all of it.  Time to call BS on his stories and if he sticks to them tell him he needs to go get a thorough physical to make sure there isn't something serious going on.

  So he never gets up early to kiss you goodbye?  Is he avoiding you in the morning?  Has it always been this way?

No matter his excuse it isn't you, it is him and unfortunately he seems perfectly fine with the way things are.  If a solution is not found are you willing to end the relationship?

  Lost

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19 hours ago, 607rst said:

My fiancée and i have been together for 5 years. Early on in the relationship the sex life was very good and very often.

he will make comments that he is older and just not able to have a sex life like we used to (hes 41) 

Sorry this is happening. When did it start tapering off? How long have you lived together?

Does he have health problems or drink heavily, use drugs/take medication? Is he depressed? Are there any other stressors/conflicts since this is happening? 

It seems the intimacy and communication as a whole is faltering. Once a month is quite a change from "very good and very often", no? 

Edited by Wiseman2
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