My Girlfriend takes up all of my time.

[Soonerfan1005]

I work all around the country and I started dating a girl about 6 months ago. So I wake up and we talk on the phone for about an hour, then we text every few minutes all day at work until I get off then we talk on the phone or video chat every day until I sleep. If I have. Day off away from home we will talk for the entire day with the only time when we are not in the phone or in a video being when I use the bathroom, shower, or when I can convince her to go to sleep. Then I will stay up every night to relax and read or watch YouTube. When I am back home I spend every night at her apartment. It's like pulling teeth to get her to come stay at my house because of her dog who has already attacked my cat. I maybe stay one night at my house with her and her dog when I am home every time and I never get to give my cat any love cause I have to lock her in another room and bar it so her dog can't get to the cat. We talk about the future a lot but it is basically that I need to get rid of my cat, sell my house, quit my job, sell my vehicles, take a job near to her apartment at half the pay, and just live there. I feel like I can't make her happy and her future is so stifling... I want to be with her but I can't give anymore of myself without giving up everything I have worked for in my life. It was hard to buy a house and get there vehicles paid off and keep them up. Not to mention I do very well with my job....

[shellyf62]

OMG that sounds exhausting. How do you get any work done? Does she work?

I couldnt put up with that for the rest of my life, I would have to break up with her.She sounds very clingy & needy

 

[Soonerfan1005]

Idk. Im trying to give as much of myself as I can but I don't even got to my house when I'm home anymore cause she wants to spend all her time with me .... Something's got to give and I don't know if she will break up with me first because I can't make her happy even though I am always emotionally drained. I end up ignoring her sometimes during work and she works too. I usually have to give her in worries and platitudes because I can't talk at work. Data centers block most cell signal even... I'm just waiting for it to not be enough for her really cause I'm also scared to leave her because of all the anxiety and depression she is always going through...

[shellyf62]

Please dont try to "fix" her. She is the only one that can deal with her anxiety & depression, it isnt your job to deal with it for her.

How can you text her all day as you said in your opening post if your work blocks your cell signal?

Waiting around for her to dump you is not a good way to live your life. Are you happy with her or is life draining at the moment?

 

[Soonerfan1005]

Cause I have to walk outside to the vehicles and pick up tools and fiber, so I get service every 30 minutes or so, but it's a mess. My life is draining, but I am happy around her...

[Andrina]

I usually have to give her in worries and platitudes because I can't talk at work. Data centers block most cell signal even... I'm just waiting for it to not be enough for her really cause I'm also scared to leave her because of all the anxiety and depression she is always going through

So this is not about a joyous connection while communicating. It's giving in to someone who will pout or cry if her demand for attention isn't met, and also all the while knowing you could be fired for going against company policy.

So hasn't she been surviving her entire life with the depression and anxiety before you knew her 6 months ago? If she crumbles into a million pieces when a guy she's been with half a year leaves, she should have never entered a relationship to begin with. You're wanting her to be the one who leaves first so you're saved from all the drama that will ensue when you pull the plug. Sorry, but she's knows very few men in the world will be willing to be sucked into her black hole of neediness, so she'll keep clinging like a barnacle to her rock, who so far, hasn't gone anywhere.

How long are you gone for work and who cares for your cat when you're out of town? I'm more concerned about company for the cat who can't spend time with girlfriends like a grown woman could, and who can't take up pottery or other hobbies to have a healthy balance in life like your gf should (or hopefully soon to be ex).

Edited January 19 by Andrina

[SooSad33]

Sounds like you are obviously exhausting yourself between her & your job/life.

I dont feel any of this is good on YOU.  So, you need to act - for your own mentality.

Whatever's going on with her, is not on you.  She may have mental health issue's- which seems to now be affecting you.  Is often how it is  😞 .  But you can't let it be like this.

No matter what, thing's aren't good with her.

So, I think for your own good... you just need to do it.  Be honest, tell her the truth on what it's done (doing) to you.

You just can't live being this unhappy.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, take a breather. 6 mos is a good time to look at all this and see where you want it to go.

You need some time away from the text-tethering so that you can reflect in peace.

It seems like it's already getting old. This degree of oversaturation could eventually implode.

[1a1a]

Speaking long term, how much contact time with your partner would be the amount you actually want and thrive on?

[MissCanuck]

Does she have no social life at all, apart from you? 

Other friends to talk to?

[maritalbliss86]

13 hours ago, Soonerfan1005 said:

Cause I have to walk outside to the vehicles and pick up tools and fiber, so I get service every 30 minutes or so, but it's a mess. My life is draining, but I am happy around her...

LOL!!  

Can you just ask her to respect your boundary of not wanting to text while at work (unless it's an emergency or something like that)?

She may not like it, but hopefully she'd respect you enough to listen to your request, especially if you say it in a nice way, and then follow through... don't reply to her texts until you feel like you truly can (maybe a lunch break)?

If you love being around her overall, you can have some boundaries in place and see if that works.

[Hollyj]

Poor cat!    You should give the animal up if you are going to be away so much.  That's not fair to the animal.  It's cruel.  

I was exhausted just reading this.   Why have you allowed all of this, as you have NO life!   This woman sounds very demanding, selfish, and needy, and I wonder why you have continued with this!   It is not normal.  Are you allowed to see your family and friends?

 

You need to break up.  She will survive.   Get some backbone.

Edited January 19 by Hollyj

[Capricorn3]

I got exhausted just reading your post.  She is OTT demanding, needy and clingy.  All of which will suffocate any relationship.  What do you get out of a relationship like this?  You're drained and mentally exhausted by her.  What makes you stay in such a dysfunctional relationship?

[Soonerfan1005]

. I have a camera watching the cat and she is feed twice a day. I just don't get to see her in person as much as my friend does. She flipped one of her toys today. Wish I had caught it in camara. We had A long talk about how drained I felt. we are trying to talk my concerns through and see if we can make it work. We didn't call this morning or text while I was at work. We did have a three hour call this night to talk through the pet issues and how I refuse to give up my cat or house. Idk. I'm gonna try and work on it. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work but at least we are trying to work together. Starting to set some boundaries so I can have some time to recharge and relax. 

[Hollyj]

10 minutes ago, Soonerfan1005 said:

. I have a camera watching the cat and she is feed twice a day. I just don't get to see her in person as much as my friend does. She flipped one of her toys today. Wish I had caught it in camara. We had A long talk about how drained I felt. we are trying to talk my concerns through and see if we can make it work. We didn't call this morning or text while I was at work. We did have a three hour call this night to talk through the pet issues and how I refuse to give up my cat or house. Idk. I'm gonna try and work on it. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work but at least we are trying to work together. Starting to set some boundaries so I can have some time to recharge and relax. 

" I have a camera watching the cat and she is feed twice a day."   This is not how one raises a pet.  Find someone who will care for the poor animal properly.  That's selfish and cruel.   

Edited January 20 by Hollyj

[Wiseman2]

Ok, pets aside. Where do you see this going with her?

It seems like a patch for now more than something sustainable over time, no?

[poorlittlefish]

4 hours ago, Hollyj said:

" I have a camera watching the cat and she is feed twice a day."   This is not how one raises a pet.  Find someone who will care for the poor animal properly.  That's selfish and cruel.   

I agree, especially if you are in the States where most people keep cats as indoor pets.  If your cat was able to go out at least he/she would have some kind of stimulus but instead they're subjected to life in a lonely prison, with absolutely nothing to do.  As a sentient being, she needs and deserves better.  Find her a home where she'll be a member of the family and stop being so CRUEL.

[Andrina]

Cats are a bit more independent than dogs, but they still desire daily interaction with their human. My cat yowls whenever my husband so much as goes into the garage or outside to do yard work. Siamese are very vocal, but some breeds of cats aren't as vocal to let you know they are missing you, but they certainly are.

I don't let mine out because a hawk might get her, she might be run over by a car and get in fights with others, or would be more susceptible to feline leukemia. I suggest is you have a job and/or a gf where you can't give your cat the attention he/she deserves, it'd be best for the cat if your re-home him/her.

Good for you for having the discussion. Now you can have a wait-and-see attitude to see if your relationship becomes what you hoped for.

[limichelle]

Maybe she just needed to have the talk you guys had and will chill out a bit. 
 

I really honestly though don’t see this working out as far as her dog and your cat and her telling you to give up your job, location and cat. I get compromise but you having to bend more to her liking isn’t fair. 
 

I’m glad you told her about the neediness let’s just see if she can back off. Usually neediness just doesn’t go away just like that. It’s a character flaw the person has to work on. 
 

I think her co dependency isn’t going to help you guys either. That will only improve once she stops having her world revolve around you. She needs hobbies! 
 

So yes the problem is fixed for now but not for long term
 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/19/2021 at 11:44 PM, Soonerfan1005 said:

. I have a camera watching the cat and she is feed twice a day. 

It's not about the cat. You two are just incompatible on so many levels.

[catfeeder]

You describe most of this as 'we,' as though your own private decisions are somehow at the mercy of hers.

Decide what you want. If you want to keep up this pace, then here you are. If you want to schedule more 'me' time into your life, you're an adult, so do that and simply tell her that you will be doing it.

No grown person needs to 'always' be in accord with anyone else's choices.

So make your own.