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Help for me and my son after break up


Momhelp

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Good Morning, I am new here and need all the help I can get. Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago ( no contact for last 12 days ) after 5 years together and 1 year of being engaged. He was perfect with my son from a previous marriage, great with my friends and family. I did complain alot cause I exspected more done house wise as he worked nights and i worked days. The month he left me, we had our second miscarriage. After the miscarriage I noticed he was acting different and something told me to check his phone. He was writing a friend ( girl ) on fb messenger that I didn't know. I confronted him right away and he said he wouldnt delete her and that they never talked about me or my son and that he didn't know what he wanted. He packed his stuff and moved out that day ( oct 26th ). He met up with me in Dec cause he bought my son numerous gifts for christmas and each time he met up with me I asked him to tell me to my face to go and he could never do it. however, each time he met up with me he would cry ,hold my hand, hug me tight and kiss my lips. ( Leading up to this i would also get text saying he took our pictures down from *** because he actually enjoyed our time together and it hurt him to look at them) I sent him a message on xmas eve and said I assume you want me and son to go, am I correct - He wrote back yes. He told me he loved us very much but he thought in the long run this would be best. Since that day I blocked him from my sons *** and mine. I have seen him on some dating sites but he hasnt added a ton of girls on *** or anything. Im hoping out hope as me and my son are both devastated and want him back. Am I crazy ? Do you think he really meant its over ?

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Yes, I would presume he meant what he said. I'm sure it was a difficult decision but his mind seems to be made up.

Be supportive of your son and encourage him to talk to you about how he feels. He may or may not open up right away but he should feel comfortable doing so if he chooses. Focus on your son and enjoy the relationship you have with him.

It will hurt for some time, of course. But acceptance will help you to recover from the hurt and disappointment. And lean on family and friends for support. Let them know you're going through a difficult time. Your friends and family can be a tremendous help.

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This is over. When a person walks out of your life, you hold the door open. 

He has made up his mind, as previously mentioned. The gifts to your son and that lingering relationship can remain if you feel that's appropriate as his mother but your relationship with this man is over. He didn't afford you a real explanation and took a coward's way out of it which was distracting himself with another woman and then leaving you to pick up the pieces. If you are not able to remove the rose-coloured lenses before, now is the time. Let him go to find his happiness. You find yours. 

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His actions and words show that this is over.   

I agree with Rose, he is a coward.   He has cheated on you and didn't have the decency to be honest and has been playing mind games with you.  Terrible!  

Reach out to your loved ones for support, and no more meet ups.  Get the financial stuff out of the way and cut him off for good.  

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3 hours ago, Momhelp said:

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago

He was perfect with my son from a previous marriage

he said he wouldnt delete her and that they never talked about me or my son and that he didn't know what he wanted. He packed his stuff and moved out that day

I sent him a message on xmas eve and said I assume you want me and son to go, am I correct - He wrote back yes. 

Sorry this happened. What was the breakup about? How is your co-parenting arrangement with your son's father? 

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@ wiseman2  Thank you.  He said that he has been unhappy , I know his unhappy comes from little natural fights that couples have - Help with chores,  hobbies over family time etc. However, I was his first REAL relationship and one with a child, I have lived more then he has.   I'm not trying to make excuses for him but I personally feel like he left because he's not a man that talks about feelings or emotions and having lost 2 children, dealing with 2 parents having cancer, building a home - all in one year, I believe he cracked when it all became real ! A real man would have stayed by myside and I get that, however for a person who cant express feelings or emotions, I can only imagine how he felt. I know how hard it was for me and it all still kills me inside.   My son's father ( ex husband) even said to me, wow he was just a great guy and good with our son after he heard of us splitting up.  His actions just don't add up with what he says in my eyes to believe its truly over.  I personally feel he's confused and truthfully not sure of what he wanted. I also believe that messaging that girl was just an " Escape "  for the two weeks ( He said after we split he didn't talk to her again ) so he didn't have to hear or feel the hurt about losing the babies . I don't know, I'm so confused

 

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16 minutes ago, Momhelp said:

@ wiseman2  Thank you.  He said that he has been unhappy , I know his unhappy comes from little natural fights that couples have - Help with chores,  hobbies over family time etc. However, I was his first REAL relationship and one with a child, I have lived more then he has.   I'm not trying to make excuses for him but I personally feel like he left because he's not a man that talks about feelings or emotions and having lost 2 children, dealing with 2 parents having cancer, building a home - all in one year, I believe he cracked when it all became real ! A real man would have stayed by myside and I get that, however for a person who cant express feelings or emotions, I can only imagine how he felt. I know how hard it was for me and it all still kills me inside.   My son's father ( ex husband) even said to me, wow he was just a great guy and good with our son after he heard of us splitting up.  His actions just don't add up with what he says in my eyes to believe its truly over.  I personally feel he's confused and truthfully not sure of what he wanted. I also believe that messaging that girl was just an " Escape "  for the two weeks ( He said after we split he didn't talk to her again ) so he didn't have to hear or feel the hurt about losing the babies . I don't know, I'm so confused

 

I'm sorry, but I think you are excusing his behavior.   I also would not trust what a cheater has to say-that he hasn't continued with this woman.  

I am curious why you choose someone who is so closed off?

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@ Hollyj ,  Maybe it is making an excuse or maybe its just I'm the type that tries to see each persons side as we all are different and not everyone handles situations the way someone else would.  In the 4 years we've been together he has expressed feelings but very hard on getting emotions out or if we were to argue, he would just sit there and look at you without saying anything, as if he didn't want to say the wrong thing - come to find out, his whole family is that way and they believe you should keep to yourself .  We never had any big fights threw out our relationship and if he was so unhappy, I feel he wouldn't have just proposed a year ago nor been trying to have children with me.

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4 hours ago, Momhelp said:

I sent him a message on xmas eve and said I assume you want me and son to go, am I correct - He wrote back yes. He told me he loved us very much but he thought in the long run this would be best. Since that day I blocked him from my sons *** and mine. I have seen him on some dating sites but he hasnt added a ton of girls on *** or anything.

And you feel he is 'confused'.. this isn't helping.. ( His actions).

He has pulled away, so you respectfully let him go.

Sounds like he HAS been through a lot of stress this past year... and yes, some do have a very hard time 'expressing' their emotions.

BUT, if he really wants to try and work through things with YOU, he better get his act together & try harder!

His behaviour is off & not acceptable, especially if he is emotionally cheating.. - what's this about him on dating sites?  How do you know this?  ( does not matter about 'adding girls' on there... but what are his intentions?

Yah, he;s got some stuff going on... but at this time, aim at taking care of YOU and your child. <3.

Leave him to do whatever he's doing.. If he feels lost/ overwhelmed & need time... leave him to it.

He NEEDS to realize his behaviour is not acceptable.

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He packed his stuff and moved out. Why do you believe you deserve so little? Are you afraid of restarting your life or being alone? Give yourself a good year or more to be single and recover from this break up. I think you're still in a state of shock and trying to find some normalcy and stability where it was just torn from under your feet. Even if he decides he wants back in into your life, you need to think long and hard about how you may want to approach that subject but let it be much later down the line. 

There is a lot of damage here.. more healing. Give yourself time and space to heal from all of this and come down from the extreme emotions. Don't keep ricocheting off the walls like this and reacting to a person who comes and goes as and when he likes. Right now he is determining when it's good for him to show up and maintain a relationship with your son. Start taking the reins and recovering that stability back in your life. He's not going to be the one to provide it. YOU have to do it. 

Take care.

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2 hours ago, Momhelp said:

His actions just don't add up with what he says in my eyes to believe its truly over.  I personally feel he's confused and truthfully not sure of what he wanted. I also believe that messaging that girl was just an " Escape "  for the two weeks ( He said after we split he didn't talk to her again ) so he didn't have to hear or feel the hurt about losing the babies . I don't know, I'm so confused

The (above) are simply excuses we go back and forth with in order to soften the blow, so to speak.  He knows exactly what he wanted, and rather than using confusion or the "escape" excuse, it was a conscious choice.

I'm sorry this happened, but the chances of remaining together after this betrayal are slim to none,(imo).

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