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Is it time to leave or am i expecting too much


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Hi guys, need some outsider advice. I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. Before we moved in the romance and excitement was very much alive in our relationship however since we moved in ive somehow ended up doing everything for him. I cook for him, clean for him, the food shopping, look after our dog, wash and iron his clothes etc. 

When he comes home from work we always have dinner together however after dinner he will go to his 'games room' and play the playstation against his friends leaving me to wash the dishes, feed the dog and sit by myself. I cant remember the last time we even went to bed together because he stays up until 1 or 2am then leaves for work before i wake up. Theres no more romantic gestures or date nights.

This has caused alot of arguments so we agreed on a date night one night a week. This didnt happen because there was always some 'big game' he wanted to watch or a 'big night' with the guys on the playstation. 

Last night felt like the final straw. After alot of persuasion he agreed to have date night and i was so excited. I ordered pizza, bought snacks, candles, a movie, bottle of wine etc. After about 45minutes his friends started phoning him constantly, calling him 'whipped' and saying he was 'letting the bros down' which led to ANOTHER arguement and him going to play his playstation. I went to bed alone again. Ive had 45 minutes of his undivided time in the past 7 weeks. 

I live with this guy and i do everything for him and it feels like he thinks its a chore to spend time with me. I feel so alone and unwanted and taken for granted. I think its worse because i cant see any friends or family at the minute because where i live there is a 'lockdown' due to covid so ive been spending time alone and isolated every single night while he talks to the 'guys' on thr playstation microphone in his games room.

Ive tried speaking to him a million times, we argue constantly about it. He doesnt see my point of view and his friends are enabling his behavior by telling him im a 'nag' and that im the one thats being unreasonable. 

Is it time to walk away? Or am i expecting too much of him? I just want one night a week of his time...

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12 minutes ago, Channelle said:

Hi guys, need some outsider advice. I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. 

I cook for him, clean for him, the food shopping, look after our dog, wash and iron his clothes etc. 

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating before you moved in? Where did you live before? 

Move out asap.  Start severing all finances, accounts, etc. Stop acting like an unpaid housekeeper/mother immediately. 

Clearly he has no respect for you. Stop begging, negotiating, etc. Simply state it's not working out, pack your things and leave. 

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What was the purpose in moving in together? Why does it have to be a specific "date night?"  It seems forced to me.  And not what he thinks is fun.  Why can't you simply spend some time together every day - take a brisk walk, eat a meal together, watch a show together.  What do you have on your own that is fulfilling -do you talk to friends on the phone? Work out? Read?  Can you do volunteer work from home?  I spent 6 weeks in the spring calling a different senior citizen every week who lived alone and was potentially isolated because of covid.  I stopped when the program ended. It was really interesting and rewarding!

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33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating before you moved in? Where did you live before? 

Move out asap.  Start severing all finances, accounts, etc. Stop acting like an unpaid housekeeper/mother immediately. 

Clearly he has no respect for you. Stop begging, negotiating, etc. Simply state it's not working out, pack your things and leave. 

We were dating for about a year before we moved in together. I lived with my parents before and he lived alone which made me believe he would be alot more independent than he has turned out being. 

Honestly ive been considering leaving for a few months now. What's keeping me here is when we do actually spend time together its great, we are so close to eachother and i dont doubt he loves me. He just takes me for granted and doesnt think relationships need continued effort from both sides. We've both spent alot of money buying furniture for the house, so id be losing out on that (the house is rented and i couldnt afford to live there by myself so id have to leave, leaving the decor and furniture behind). Also the dog is legally his, but ive pretty much raised it and have more of a bond so id have to leave him behind as well. Its a messy situation!

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33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What was the purpose in moving in together? Why does it have to be a specific "date night?"  It seems forced to me.  And not what he thinks is fun.  Why can't you simply spend some time together every day - take a brisk walk, eat a meal together, watch a show together.  What do you have on your own that is fulfilling -do you talk to friends on the phone? Work out? Read?  Can you do volunteer work from home?  I spent 6 weeks in the spring calling a different senior citizen every week who lived alone and was potentially isolated because of covid.  I stopped when the program ended. It was really interesting and rewarding!

Thank you for the advice i really appreciate it 🙂

ive attempted to do things together but he says hes 'too tired' after work to go for walks so i walk the dog alone every night. He spends all of his time on the playstation which is the sole problem of our relationship. 

i work two jobs at the minute and read/watch netflix in my spare time but i miss the intimacy and closeness of having someone. Expecially when hes in another room and 'too busy' to spend time with me

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1 hour ago, Channelle said:

This has caused alot of arguments so we agreed on a date night one night a week.

I think you're missing the point a little if the resolution to your issues is Date Night! Why don't you agree on him splitting the chores with you?

1 hour ago, Channelle said:

I live with this guy and i do everything for him and it feels like he thinks its a chore to spend time with me.

That's because he's a child and you're his mom. Is this what you want in life? To constantly raise a husband in addition to raising whatever children you have? Haven't you heard women jokingly refer to their husbands as their second or third (or whatever) child? Is that how you see yourself in the future?

It's not going to go away if you don't make a hard stand and stick to it, like forever. And making a hard stand may actually cost you this relationship. Sometimes, you can't have both the guy and a good relationship.

I remember four years ago, I was taking these intense classes to help pass my licensing exams. For my profession, there were seven tests, they are 3-5 hours a piece, and you have to finish all of them within five years. So, there was a lot of pressure. I had to study literally every day, morning and night, for these exams.

My boyfriend took up the slack. He did the chores. He made me meals. He did everything he could to help me focus and pass my tests. My boyfriend is also a huge gamer and can literally sit in front of a game for 12 hours a day. But he never tunes me out.

One day, a girl in one of my classes said, "I can never find the time to study. My husband's been taking care of the kids while I'm at these classes, but to him that means gaming all day. You'd think he'd throw in a load of laundry or wash some dishes, but no. I'm going to get stuck doing everything when I get home.

I was about to open my mouth and say, "Wow, my boyfriend does everything to help me," but I shut my mouth. This poor girl was stuck with this guy. They had kids together and her husband basically just functioned as the oldest kid! I felt bad for her. 

That could happen to you. 

Edited by Jibralta
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1 hour ago, Channelle said:

Last night felt like the final straw. After alot of persuasion he agreed to have date night and i was so excited. I ordered pizza, bought snacks, candles, a movie, bottle of wine etc. After about 45minutes his friends started phoning him constantly, calling him 'whipped' and saying he was 'letting the bros down' which led to ANOTHER arguement and him going to play his playstation.

Why is he so desperate to prove himself to a bunch of dudes? He should be proving himself to his girlfriend.

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8 minutes ago, Channelle said:

 I lived with my parents before. ive been considering leaving for a few months now.

We've both spent alot of money buying furniture for the house, so id be losing out on that .

Split up the cost of the furniture, have him buy you out or put some in storage at your patents. There's no reason to live together.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Split up the cost of the furniture, have him buy you out or put some in storage at your patents. There's no reason to live together.

Man, I'd just leave the furniture. I'd pay to be out of this relationship!!

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9 minutes ago, Channelle said:

We were dating for about a year before we moved in together. I lived with my parents before and he lived alone which made me believe he would be alot more independent than he has turned out being. 

Honestly ive been considering leaving for a few months now. What's keeping me here is when we do actually spend time together its great, we are so close to eachother and i dont doubt he loves me. He just takes me for granted and doesnt think relationships need continued effort from both sides. We've both spent alot of money buying furniture for the house, so id be losing out on that (the house is rented and i couldnt afford to live there by myself so id have to leave, leaving the decor and furniture behind). Also the dog is legally his, but ive pretty much raised it and have more of a bond so id have to leave him behind as well. Its a messy situation!

So again why do you live together? Do you plan on marriage, engagement, some kind of forever commitment? is this because it was more convenient? It matters a lot because if  you have different goals that would explain partly why he is choosing to behave this way -if he doesn't see himself marrying you or having a family or commitment with you why should he make an effort to live like a married couple?  Please don't stay because of a pet - you know that's not a reason -I know it makes it harder and it's not a reason at all.  

You chose to mingle finances. When I cancelled my wedding I lost money.  I probably would have spent a lot more money getting a divorce.  People often lose money when they split up and you chose to live with someone and mingle finances and you're not married or engaged.  You knew the risks.  These are only material things.  You'll spend a lot more on therapy if you stay, you'll waste your precious single years if perhaps a family is something you want in the future. 

His actions tell me the following. Gaming is his priority.  He's happy with the status quo of you doing all the housework/cleaning, etc.  You are still doing it so even if you complain, your actions show that you are tolerating this imbalance.  

You do not have to cook for him.  You not have to do a thing with his things, clothes, etc.  I would stop having dinner with him.  He eats with you and then leaves and does his own thing.  So it's not enjoyable I'm sure as you know he's there to eat so he can then attend to what he really wants to do -gaming.  Stop playing little wifey.  You're just his girlfriend he shares physical space with and he's not showing he wants a future with you.  Prepare what you want to eat whether that's dinner food or awesome dinner food like cold cereal with milk and let him get his own food.  Put his dishes to the side and do yours.  

It sounds like you made this a sort of home with the furniture and decor as if you were married or getting married.  He went along with it but I bet it was mostly your idea.  He likes sharing physical space with you because you do his cleaning and you're fun to hang out with as an afterthought -after gaming.  I'm sorry.  I think you knew a lot of this before you moved in but you thought playing at being his wife and decorating a shared living space would make this something it is not. 

My husband and I have been married 12 years.  We didn't live together officially before marriage - we were in our 40s  We had our son three months after getting married.  We've never decorated a place together.  We bought a couch together after his grandmother's couch fell apart finally around 5 years ago -  which was fun! Took about an hour to choose it.  We have mismatched furniture - some new, some was mine, some family heirlooms, lots of family photos and artwork friends have made for us.  We don't have a table we all eat at at one time except rarely.  I never decorated a nursery. 

But -we have a home together -in the committed sense of the word.  We always have.  Because we're here because we want to be together as a married couple and even if we weren't married we'd be here because we were committed to forever -not just to share living space and have the outer trappings of being a couple.  You thought you could transform him into future husband material by doing the outer stuff and all the candles and dishwashing and cooking and dog care.  Doesn't work like that IMHO.  Get out now so you can find someone who loves how you decorate and also loves you.  He "loves" you but his feelings don't translate into the actions of a man who sees you as his forever person.  I'm sorry.

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Girl talk to him. Lay it out, tell him nothing worse than being taken for granted....that you are not there to be his mother and do all the chores nor to sit by while he games, when you two should be doing something together. If he gets defensive, move out. The above advice is spot on....don't ever do a mans dishes, do not cook for him or even do his laundry. If the house needs cleaning he can pay for a housekeeper or share the duties.

Edited by smackie9
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Why are you doing all of this:  "I cook for him, clean for him, the food shopping, look after our dog, wash and iron his clothes etc. "   You should never have been doing all of this. Why are you doing all of this?  You sound more like his mother.  

A relationship should be 50/50.   In addition  to you playing the maid, he treats you with complete disrespect.   Tell him to get lost, and don't ever allow someone to treat you like this.   And, chores should be shared!

Edited by Hollyj
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5 hours ago, Channelle said:

What's keeping me here is when we do actually spend time together its great, we are so close to eachother and i dont doubt he loves me.

So for 45 minutes a week it's "great"?

Please tell me this isn't enough to keep you holding on!  I mean, talk about a bare minimum!

BTW, he does this because you let him.  There is zero motivation for him to "change".

Edited by boltnrun
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Yes, it's time to walk away.  He's too immature and lacks emotional intelligence.  Google "emotional intelligence." 

No, you're not expecting too much of him.  He's still a boy in a man's body.  He never grew up mentally. 

You're wasting your time, energy and resources on him.  Never waste your youth on a man because you'll sorely regret it the longer you drag this relationship out.

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I agree with above.. He is NOT trying in the least 😞 

His behaviour & attitude is pathetic.. very insensitive.  With having you move in with him. now you two should be working together.

Of course is NOT too much to ask for or expect a date night.. plus he should be spending much more time with you.. and is expected of him to help a little more - but is using all excuses & is disrespectful!

Have a good talk with him and mean it!  Say that you will not be staying there if things don't change.. why bother?

He should be going to bed with you a lot more than this.  He should not be doing so much with his buddies.

He feels he's got it good.. you are there, so he's just laid back now. Doing NOTHING but thinking of himself.. and in order for you to stay there, things better change.

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On 1/17/2021 at 12:07 PM, Channelle said:

Is it time to walk away? Or am i expecting too much of him?

If you're tolerating this, I'd say you don't expect enough.

He's just not the right guy to give it to you.

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Personally I would be ending the relationship at this point! You've already tried talking to him many times and absolutely nothing has changed. Often when people move in with someone, they find out who that person really is because they can't hide the real them when you see them all the time. I think there are some serious red flags here. The first red flag is that he's taking advantage of you. He lived alone before so obviously he had to do all the chores and take care of the dog. Now that you live with him he does nothing. That means he's happy to just take advantage of his partner and thinks it's acceptable not to help around the house at all. If you had kids you would get no help from him because he already neglects the dog as it is.

The second red flag is he doesn't seem to care about you at all. Couples do need date nights and alone time. Otherwise what's the point to be in a relationship? If he just wants to only be with his friends all the time then he should just be single. The fact that he literally spends all his time gaming and can't spare even one evening to be with you is very selfish. Also there's a saying that people are like the company they keep or something. His friends are jerks! They knew he had a date night planned with his partner and they were so rude and forcing him to play video games! They're so self-absorbed and disrespectful but so if your boyfriend. He doesn't respect his plans with you at all. These are all very bad signs and now you can see his true colours.

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I sincerely sympathize with this situation.
I've been through the same situation and I know it really well.
And I want to advise you not to waste any more time..

My ex boyfriend falls asleep at 4 am and wakes up at 5 pm.
And he sits back at the computer. It's very automatic.
And start talking online with your friends and get into the game.
Yes, there is no time for me

I cook, do laundry, and I am alone.
I wasn't his mother and she thought she had no reason to live like this.
I even tried the games he plays.
That's because I thought I could have a common denominator, and if I talked about it, I could spend a little time with him.
But this was a stupid effort. I got more and more tired and annoyed with everything.

So I cooked only mine, washed only mine, and cleaned the space where I was sleeping side, Like a "roommate".
I think it's better to not live together.
But in the end, I decided not to be his mother and broke up. I don't regret it.

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