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Boyfriend secretly talking to his ex


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1 minute ago, Lambert said:

oops.. sorry.. I'm not the OP. 

I'm sure she'll see your message and respond.  I was commenting about this forum and why someone might post and appreciate the brutal honesty. 

Ah sorry I'm new to this 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

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I’m sorry you had to go through something similar where you couldn’t find answers. Please remember I just found all of this out 2 days ago with zero evidence before (when I say he fooled me I really m

I've just read this and it breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I have had the same and not much we say will be able to comfort you. Sometimes people do bad things. You MU

No. Just no.  This is not what "caring" looks like, whatsoever. A man who truly cares about you and loves you does not behave like this. That goes for both OP's boyfriend and your own, as evidenc

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

In my experience, when a person is in love, they don't behave this way and carry on an emotional affair with someone else. They exclude other options and temptations because their relationship is too important to jeopardize, and really, they aren't usually even interested in other people in the first place. 

Exactly. When people love you, they honor you and respect you. End of story. 

This guy's giving you bullsht love. Fool's gold. All that glitters isn't gold. 

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3 hours ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

 

I don't think it will benefit he to tell her that he doesn't love and care about her. 

And if he does, it also has nothing to do with he fact that she deserves more and that I have outlined that its foolish and horrible behaviour and very selfish on his part.

Most people come onto this page when they have no one to talk to. Or need help. People will do what they want to do. By no way am I condoning any behaviour. I think what has been said has been taken through wrong way

I agree with Miss Canuck.  Clearly his actions show that he didn't!   How does it benefit her by suggesting something which is not true.

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4 hours ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

I've just read this and it breaks my heart.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I have had the same and not much we say will be able to comfort you.

Sometimes people do bad things. You MUST remember this has nothing to do with you.

You sound like a very committed person. When you ask if he doesn't love you it seems like you're very hurt and I truly understand.

The thing is, we put ourselves out there in the dating world. If people aren't ready and haven't tied up loose ends then its quite selfish to bring someone else into the mix. Some people are here to teach us to love ourselves.

I think he has feelings for you. He cares about you and possibly loves you. But the need to love himself more caused him to act foolish.

It could be an ego boost for him to know she can be a side piece. He has no respect for this woman as he's winding a lovely story. For you, I think he's taking advantage of you. But you have to make a choice now. Can you do this for the rest of your life, looking over your shoulder. Or do you want to relax be happy and have possibly something amazing waiting round the corner in the future.

And I'm willing to bet you my universal credit....that he will try his luck messaging you when he gets with the next girl . And will try to put you in her position.

I really hope this finds you in time. Remember who you were before he met you. Best of luck xxxx

Thank you so much for being so kind and trying to soothe my pain, I really do appreciate that so much; and it’s not giving me any false hope or anything so don’t worry! I’m still done with him and nothing will change that. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced something similar, from the bottom of my heart I’m sorry and I really hope we both get to heal eventually when all the dust has settled. Thank you! 

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4 hours ago, Lambert said:

The whole "love but not in love" gets under my skin. That is a convenient statement to help with the sting of the "he's not in love with you part. "Little phrases and statements we learn along the way to excuse things so our egos are ok. But we must feel things, see them for what they are, to let them go,, to heal ourselves and become better for someone better. 

Trying to break that poetic yet empty statement down, I come up with nothing. It would not comfort me and its an insult to somehow make what he did into something a normal person would do. 

Someone not in love but still cares for you,  ok loves you (sounds so silly) leaves you, breaks things off, because they know they cannot give you what you deserve. They don't move you into their house, take mortgage payments, and then have feelings for another woman. no. they do not do that. 

Why do you think he has no friends? everything with your friends and family, I would bet was just part of the act he was putting on.  Having two lives. Enjoying what he had with you and using that to placate the longing and desire he feels for the other woman.  Love, friendship, companionship, help with expenses, sex, comfort all helped him deal with not being with that other woman. 

Sucks big time. I'm sorry. 

Thank you. I do think he was maybe going through heartbreak and I was a chance and an outlet to let it heal. He’s never alone, we are always going out and traveling (pre COVID) 

he gets my love, attention, sex, my friends being his and in his mind “what happens happens” 

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35 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

Thank you so much for being so kind and trying to soothe my pain, I really do appreciate that so much; and it’s not giving me any false hope or anything so don’t worry! I’m still done with him and nothing will change that. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced something similar, from the bottom of my heart I’m sorry and I really hope we both get to heal eventually when all the dust has settled. Thank you! 

I think its very strong and respectful of yourself to make that decision. I know it hurts, and things feel a little unsteady but I promise they will get better ❤

Its a very long time for someone to keep that behaviour up.especially when it shouldn't be happening at all. And you deserve the best. Not ever second best.

Wishing you all the best in becoming free from this xxx

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1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

I agree with Miss Canuck.  Clearly his actions show that he didn't!   How does it benefit her by suggesting something which is not true.

I understand. I would never say that he definitely did or didn't because I'm never going to know.

Don't get me wrong cheating is wrong with a capital W and I've personally been cheated on too. But this world is fully with areas of shaded grey. And no one has a right to do this to anyone.

I said maybe he does...but what I meant was that It wasn't relevant when he's destroyed her trust respect and loyalty. I did say that she's deserved more and shouldn't have to be dealing with it.

 

To me, this is more about recognising the awful situation she is in. Recognising she has found the strength and respecting that she respects her self and this journey to becoming free from this crap

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3 hours ago, Heyhale said:

Thank you. I do think he was maybe going through heartbreak and I was a chance and an outlet to let it heal. He’s never alone, we are always going out and traveling (pre COVID) 

he gets my love, attention, sex, my friends being his and in his mind “what happens happens” 

I have experienced similar, being a rebound, which is such a hurtful word.  But it took me awhile to realize that you and me and the other so called rebounds are actually the alchemists in all this...

we take their pain and turn it in to our love.  which is a beautiful thing.  Yes. you are hurting but always remember this- the love you feel is because of you  It is inside you. you created it with your kindness, openess, trustfulness... not his. 

Not his. It's you and you can get over this and be better, find better and he may never... because its not in him. 

Love finds a way and sometimes we go through these things because we need to learn to love ourselves more.  

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He texted me this morning because I had kept asking him why!? Why? And he said everything he says seems to just make it worse. He apologized and said well maybe what I did is a sign that this relationship wasn’t working out, that if it was he wouldn’t have cheated and that it is totally his fault. He said he meant everything he said in the start when we met but eventually over time he wasn’t so sure about the relationship anymore. That he just couldn’t take this relationship any further than this. 
 

it wasn’t really a feel good text, I don’t think anything he can say or will ever say will feel good so I deleted it and I didn’t reply. 

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That was the right thing to do.  Keeping that text would have been an unnecessary source of pain.

You're taking all the right steps.  Go ahead and block his number if you fear he will continue to contact you and/or you won't be able to resist responding or contacting him.

I too am staying temporarily with my brother (for different reasons).  It's so great to have family support when things get tough.

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Typical ... now he's saying the relationship was wrong.  reminds of the customers that complain about a meal after they ate every last crumb.

Good for you deleting and not responding. Onward and upward! 

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13 hours ago, Heyhale said:

it wasn’t really a feel good text, I don’t think anything he can say or will ever say will feel good so I deleted it and I didn’t reply. 

Good for you.

Frankly, I don't think anything he says can make up for what he did. Nobody held a gun to his head. Every day, every minute, he had another opportunity to tell you what was on his mind, and he never did. 

Make no mistake: he enjoyed putting you in this position. He kept on doing it until he couldn't do it anymore.

Now that he got caught, he tried to pin it on your relationship. Everything is about making him feel good about himself at the expense of others. 

Some people can only feel good about themselves that way.

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15 hours ago, Heyhale said:

I don’t think anything he can say or will ever say will feel good so I deleted it and I didn’t reply. 

Good for you. 

And you're right, there is nothing he can say that will make this feel any better. Nothing that will make it more understandable. 

He did a bad thing, and it speaks volumes about who he really is. 

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4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

He did a bad thing

Not only did he do a bad thing, he did a bad thing every waking and sleeping moment for three years!! That's a special kind of awful.

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My ex didn't love me. He just wanted to keep me around so he wouldn't have to be alone and do without sex and companionship. Every time I wasn't right there with him he was either with someone else or trying to be with someone else. Including his so called ex. I saw the messages. One in particular stands out in my mind..."Wish I was there with you, I'm nothing without you". Sent the night before I stayed overnight with him.

And this went on for 4 years. So no, the number of years they stay "with" you isn't an indicator they love you. Especially since this alleged ex isn't nearby and readily available to him.

He's selfish. He doesn't care that he hurt you. 

Which means, you are well rid of him. He wasn't ever going to be a good partner. You are now free to find a man who will be totally devoted to you. Once you're ready you'll be able to find him.

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It's time to leave. Save your precious energy for moving forwards. You're still in shock and I'm sorry this is happening. One day you'll look back and be reminded of the bullet you dodged. In the aftermath, you'll have lots of time to recover your self-worth and don't beat yourself up over the actions of someone else. 

Those questions "Why?!" won't have answers that come from him. A person so disillusioned to think that his behaviour was at all okay or acceptable is already a lost soul. No answers will come from him. 

There's a very good chance his ex knows what he is and doesn't care about the bridges he burns because he's that worthless to her overall. Unfortunately she used him to stroke her own ego. She couldn't care less what happens to him as a person. He dug his own grave and is left with someone who cares very little about his overall wellbeing. Through all that hurt and sadness, I hope you'll be able to see this in the end. 

Onwards and forwards. 

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5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My ex didn't love me. He just wanted to keep me around so he wouldn't have to be alone and do without sex and companionship. Every time I wasn't right there with him he was either with someone else or trying to be with someone else. Including his so called ex. I saw the messages. One in particular stands out in my mind..."Wish I was there with you, I'm nothing without you". Sent the night before I stayed overnight with him.

And this went on for 4 years. So no, the number of years they stay "with" you isn't an indicator they love you. Especially since this alleged ex isn't nearby and readily available to him.

He's selfish. He doesn't care that he hurt you. 

Which means, you are well rid of him. He wasn't ever going to be a good partner. You are now free to find a man who will be totally devoted to you. Once you're ready you'll be able to find him.

Omg this reminded me of another text I completely forgot about since I was scrolling up YEARS back 

one of the texts his ex said “maybe you’re lucky I’m far away now” and he was like “I don’t know if I’m lucky or if I’m cursed...” and she was like “your town (insert town name) is so lucky to have you though!” And he said “no bec you aren’t here!”

that was one of the worst ones to read that I blocked it out, because that text more than anything else proves he’s still in love with her??? 

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12 hours ago, Heyhale said:

That was one of the worst ones to read that I blocked it out, because that text more than anything else proves he’s still in love with her??? 

Unfortunately, as I mentioned the horrible puzzle pieces will all come out. 

In a way it simultaneously feels like a punch to the gut, but confirms a lot. Most of all it underscores your decision to end it without listening to his lying drivel.

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13 hours ago, Heyhale said:

that was one of the worst ones to read that I blocked it out, because that text more than anything else proves he’s still in love with her??? 

Well, yes, but all of it collectively over the past few years proves that he's still in love with her. 

He's never stopped wanting to be with her, sadly. He was so very wrong to have continued a relationship with you. 

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