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Boyfriend secretly talking to his ex


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22 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

I’m sorry you had to go through something similar where you couldn’t find answers. Please remember I just found all of this out 2 days ago with zero evidence before (when I say he fooled me I really mean he fooled everyone around us too, cause he was such a great actor) I can’t explain my shock to you. It feels unreal. 

so I actually told him, I know so many said just leave but I can’t do that without telling him I know. Why make it easier for them? Maybe he’ll hate himself a little, lose some self respect? 
 

he looked so embarrassed and ashamed, he kept apologizing and tell me she’s just his friend and he didn’t really mean anything he said, it’s just childish hornyness,

etc he told me she moved away and it’s not like she lives down the street where he can just meet her. He doesn’t want to cut her out of his life, obviously. Like if he could I’m sure he’d keep her in his life forever is the feeling I’m getting. He’s not with her bec he can’t, not by choice. 
 

so basically what he means is if she was closer, he’d pick her over me? Cause that’s really what it sounded to me. There were plenty of “getting you pregnant” jokes in those texts, there’s just no redeeming this guy. I’m done. I’m staying at my brothers. 

I'm sorry. I know this is painful on a lot of levels for you. But for what it's worth,  good for you leaving. You are worth so much more and deserve so much better. 

He is not a good man. 

his childish horniness comment is insulting. not just to you as the live in gf, like why is he so horny? but also to blame it on something that is what? supposed to be a normal thing? It's an insult to the horny! (smile)

hugs to you. this too shall pass.

 

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I’m sorry you had to go through something similar where you couldn’t find answers. Please remember I just found all of this out 2 days ago with zero evidence before (when I say he fooled me I really m

I've just read this and it breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I have had the same and not much we say will be able to comfort you. Sometimes people do bad things. You MU

No. Just no.  This is not what "caring" looks like, whatsoever. A man who truly cares about you and loves you does not behave like this. That goes for both OP's boyfriend and your own, as evidenc

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, he doesn't deserve you.

"Childish hornyness"? Um, if he's horny why not have some fun with you? 

I'm glad you left.

Now, be prepared.  She isn't immediately available to him. So he'll be feeling sorry for himself now that he doesn't have access to sex and in person companionship. He will try to lure you back. He will try several different tactics, most likely minimizing what he did, using self pity and accusing you of being "mean" or of jumping to incorrect conclusions. He may even cry or send flowers.

Do not fall for it. Remember,  if you hadn't found the messages he would have continued to cheat forever. He probably would have found a way to meet up with her.

You are well rid of this lying cheater.

I think I need to be honest here and it’s not defending him at all, but I haven’t been into sex for most of our relationship. I just haven’t had the need or libido for it for a long time now, he asks nicely and hasn’t gotten angry or anything and I have felt really bad about it, but it’s just not something that I’m into now bec I’m doing my masters and working at the same time and I really haven’t wanted it for a while. 
 

he said he understood, but I don’t believe him now. 

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If he had a problem with lack of sex the right thing to do would be to tell you and end the relationship.  Not cheat.

That being said, I'm sure you know that sex is an integral part of most love relationships. Maybe explore why you aren't interested.  I mean, I was a single mother working two jobs and I was (and am still) VERY into sex. But if you just don't enjoy or need it, you should be able to find a man who feels the same way you do. And hopefully the next one will be honest instead of lying and cheating and deceiving you.

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3 hours ago, Heyhale said:

I’m sorry you had to go through something similar where you couldn’t find answers. Please remember I just found all of this out 2 days ago with zero evidence before (when I say he fooled me I really mean he fooled everyone around us too, cause he was such a great actor) I can’t explain my shock to you. It feels unreal. 

so I actually told him, I know so many said just leave but I can’t do that without telling him I know. Why make it easier for them? Maybe he’ll hate himself a little, lose some self respect? 
 

he looked so embarrassed and ashamed, he kept apologizing and tell me she’s just his friend and he didn’t really mean anything he said, it’s just childish hornyness,

etc he told me she moved away and it’s not like she lives down the street where he can just meet her. He doesn’t want to cut her out of his life, obviously. Like if he could I’m sure he’d keep her in his life forever is the feeling I’m getting. He’s not with her bec he can’t, not by choice. 
 

so basically what he means is if she was closer, he’d pick her over me? Cause that’s really what it sounded to me. There were plenty of “getting you pregnant” jokes in those texts, there’s just no redeeming this guy. I’m done. I’m staying at my brothers. 

Nothing “childish!”  He has been having an emotional affair the entire time.  This guy is a real azzhole!  He will not hate himself because he doesn’t care.  
 

honestly,  I think that he hoped you would find those messages.  Don’t you think it’s odd that he did not delete them? 

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I don't think he's just horny or it's because you haven't been having sex with him as much. I mean, it's been going on for more than two years. It's definitely not just a recent development where he only recently began messaging her because you're really busy and not into sex.

I actually don't think he wants his ex just for sex either because he was contacting her CONSTANTLY. It's not like there are just some messages occasionally which are only sexual. Besides, does it really matter why he was messaging her for two years behind your back? Whether it's only for sex or he loved her, he was cheating on you. He lied to you for over two years. She is not just a friend, that is absolute bs! If she was just a friend he would have told you himself that he sometimes talks to her and the messages would be platonic/just friendly. And he wouldn't be messaging her really constantly.

It also seems weird to me that he gave you his phone to use and he didn't even factory reset the phone or delete any of the messages. It's like he actually wanted you to find out and get caught...? I think he's obsessed with his ex and a part of him wanted to tell you, but he was too cowardly. So he gave you his phone so you would actually see the messages and find out. He can't be that dumb that he just left all the messages still on the phone.

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15 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Nothing “childish!”  He has been having an emotional affair the entire time.  This guy is a real azzhole!  He will not hate himself because he doesn’t care.  
 

honestly,  I think that he hoped you would find those messages.  Don’t you think it’s odd that he did not delete them? 

I actually only just saw your comment but I said the same thing!

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4 hours ago, Heyhale said:

basically what he means is if she was closer, he’d pick her over me? Cause that’s really what it sounded to me. There were plenty of “getting you pregnant” jokes in those texts, there’s just no redeeming this guy. I’m done. I’m staying at my brothers. 

Yes, that's exactly what it means. 

And jokes about getting her pregnant? This guy is horrible. He wants to have sex with her, badly. 

I think you're seeing that did have a problem with the lack of sex, and handled it in the worst way imaginable. He should have done the right thing and let you go if he felt your sex drives were this incompatible.

This guy is not in love with you, and I don't think he ever has been. It's a good thing you left because this was not going to end well, regardless. If it hadn't been his ex, it likely would have eventually been someone else. His explanations (childish horniness? please) make it even worse. Be glad you finally found out who this person really is. 

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16 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Nothing “childish!”  He has been having an emotional affair the entire time.  This guy is a real azzhole!  He will not hate himself because he doesn’t care.  
 

honestly,  I think that he hoped you would find those messages.  Don’t you think it’s odd that he did not delete them? 

I don’t think he wanted me to find it, it was this secret texting app (the one you just use a username for? Not your actual number?) and he hid it within another folder. So it wasn’t his regular texting app or WhatsApp app or anything. I only found it cause I’ve never used android and was fumbling with the phone! 

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16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, that's exactly what it means. 

And jokes about getting her pregnant? This guy is horrible. He wants to have sex with her, badly. 

I think you're seeing that did have a problem with the lack of sex, and handled it in the worst way imaginable. He should have done the right thing and let you go if he felt your sex drives were this incompatible.

This guy is not in love with you, and I don't think he ever has been. It's a good thing you left because this was not going to end well, regardless. If it hadn't been his ex, it likely would have eventually been someone else. His explanations (childish horniness? please) make it even worse. Be glad you finally found out who this person really is. 

What makes you say that he was never in love with me? I’m not disagreeing and it definitely hurts but I can’t wrap my head around how he’d stay with me for 3 years and not feel any love for me? Like my ego is taking it hard 

I really appreciate the honesty. I need to hear all of this now. 

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On 1/18/2021 at 8:19 AM, Heyhale said:

 Because I don’t really know why he’s still with me if he isn’t 

Because he's having his cake and eating it too.  He's got the best of both worlds. Two women. And you help pay off his mortgage.   I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Don't say a word to him at this stage. Get all your ducks in a row, find a new place to live, share with a friend, or family etc. Then leave.  You have all the proof necessary which gives you more than enough reason to dump his sorry a$$.  

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3 hours ago, Heyhale said:

What makes you say that he was never in love with me? I’m not disagreeing and it definitely hurts but I can’t wrap my head around how he’d stay with me for 3 years and not feel any love for me? Like my ego is taking it hard 

I really appreciate the honesty. I need to hear all of this now. 

Only he knows for sure, but convenience seems like a probable reason. When you think about what love really is and what it is not, I think you might find the answer for yourself. 

I know when I love someone, in a romantic way, I don't entertain other guys. I'm loyal to their face as I am to their back. I act in a respectful way that anything I do or say could be played back to them as if on a tape. Never doing anything to embarass or put then down or compare them to another. Never even risking it over one or two texts or a brief misunderstanding... let alone 3 years of day in, day out two timing.

Don't be confused. The niceties and acts can be expressions of love but that's not the actual love.  

It hurts now. And I think everyone that responded to you, feels for you.  It's super tough to get through. but one day you will experience real love from someone and you'll see it clear as day. 

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5 hours ago, Heyhale said:

I don’t think he wanted me to find it, it was this secret texting app (the one you just use a username for? Not your actual number?) and he hid it within another folder. So it wasn’t his regular texting app or WhatsApp app or anything. I only found it cause I’ve never used android and was fumbling with the phone! 

I think that most people would have gotten rid of it.  It was not something he had used in the the past and infrequently, he used it the entire relationship.. 

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5 hours ago, Heyhale said:

What makes you say that he was never in love with me? I’m not disagreeing and it definitely hurts but I can’t wrap my head around how he’d stay with me for 3 years and not feel any love for me? Like my ego is taking it hard 

I really appreciate the honesty. I need to hear all of this now. 

The fact that he communicated the entire time.  If he had ever loved you, he would not have been in contact with her.  

OP, if one of your friends or family members came to you with the identical issue, what would you think?

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2 hours ago, Hollyj said:

The fact that he communicated the entire time.  If he had ever loved you, he would not have been in contact with her.  

OP, if one of your friends or family members came to you with the identical issue, what would you think?

Honestly I’d be like “he loves you but he isn’t in love with you, he’s just with you bec it’s convenient and he’s comfortable, he doesn’t want to disrupt his life that’s all”

when I met him he didn’t have that many friends or a big social circle, he’s not that close with his parents, my friends and my mom embraced him. All of my friends became his friends and he had a social life for once, like without me he’d have nobody. 

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9 hours ago, Heyhale said:

What makes you say that he was never in love with me?

Because he's been doing this essentially throughout the entire duration of your relationship. 

He started dating you too soon after that relationship ended. You were, unfortunately, a rebound that he let continue way too long. 

In my experience, when a person is in love, they don't behave this way and carry on an emotional affair with someone else. They exclude other options and temptations because their relationship is too important to jeopardize, and really, they aren't usually even interested in other people in the first place. 

This relationship needed to end. It is sad that you found out this way, but at least now you will be free to someone meet a guy who wouldn't dream of risking your entire relationship. 

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It sounds like you have a lot to offer someone in a relationship.

This guy was not that someone. He squandered the relationship by having his head still up his ex's butt.

Fascinating that he went to some lengths to hide it. It indicates that he knew how wrong it was and that he'd lose you.

This is all on him. You dodged a bullet.

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I've just read this and it breaks my heart.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I have had the same and not much we say will be able to comfort you.

Sometimes people do bad things. You MUST remember this has nothing to do with you.

You sound like a very committed person. When you ask if he doesn't love you it seems like you're very hurt and I truly understand.

The thing is, we put ourselves out there in the dating world. If people aren't ready and haven't tied up loose ends then its quite selfish to bring someone else into the mix. Some people are here to teach us to love ourselves.

I think he has feelings for you. He cares about you and possibly loves you. But the need to love himself more caused him to act foolish.

It could be an ego boost for him to know she can be a side piece. He has no respect for this woman as he's winding a lovely story. For you, I think he's taking advantage of you. But you have to make a choice now. Can you do this for the rest of your life, looking over your shoulder. Or do you want to relax be happy and have possibly something amazing waiting round the corner in the future.

And I'm willing to bet you my universal credit....that he will try his luck messaging you when he gets with the next girl . And will try to put you in her position.

I really hope this finds you in time. Remember who you were before he met you. Best of luck xxxx

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6 minutes ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

I think he has feelings for you. He cares about you and possibly loves you. But the need to love himself more caused him to act foolish.

No. Just no. 

This is not what "caring" looks like, whatsoever. A man who truly cares about you and loves you does not behave like this. That goes for both OP's boyfriend and your own, as evidenced by the problems outlined in your own thread. 

We ladies need to stop revising the definition of "care" - and overlooking bad behaviour - to avoid confronting the painful truth that sometimes crappy partners really don't care. 

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8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No. Just no. 

This is not what "caring" looks like, whatsoever. A man who truly cares about you and loves you does not behave like this. That goes for both OP's boyfriend and your own, as evidenced by the problems outlined in your own thread. 

We ladies need to stop revising the definition of "care" - and overlooking bad behaviour - to avoid confronting the painful truth that sometimes crappy partners really don't care. 

 

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No. Just no. 

This is not what "caring" looks like, whatsoever. A man who truly cares about you and loves you does not behave like this. That goes for both OP's boyfriend and your own, as evidenced by the problems outlined in your own thread. 

We ladies need to stop revising the definition of "care" - and overlooking bad behaviour - to avoid confronting the painful truth that sometimes crappy partners really don't care. 

I don't think it will benefit he to tell her that he doesn't love and care about her. 

And if he does, it also has nothing to do with he fact that she deserves more and that I have outlined that its foolish and horrible behaviour and very selfish on his part.

Most people come onto this page when they have no one to talk to. Or need help. People will do what they want to do. By no way am I condoning any behaviour. I think what has been said has been taken through wrong way

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1 minute ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

I don't think it will benefit he to tell her that he doesn't love and care about her. 

By the same token, I don't feel it benefits her in any way to claim that he does

Women excuse far too much crap and often delude themselves into accepting it, believing that this it's love. I am not suggesting OP or you are delusional, but it's not a good idea to enable toxicity by labeling this as a caring or loving person. 

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6 hours ago, Heyhale said:

Honestly I’d be like “he loves you but he isn’t in love with you, he’s just with you bec it’s convenient and he’s comfortable, he doesn’t want to disrupt his life that’s all”

when I met him he didn’t have that many friends or a big social circle, he’s not that close with his parents, my friends and my mom embraced him. All of my friends became his friends and he had a social life for once, like without me he’d have nobody. 

The whole "love but not in love" gets under my skin. That is a convenient statement to help with the sting of the "he's not in love with you part. "Little phrases and statements we learn along the way to excuse things so our egos are ok. But we must feel things, see them for what they are, to let them go,, to heal ourselves and become better for someone better. 

Trying to break that poetic yet empty statement down, I come up with nothing. It would not comfort me and its an insult to somehow make what he did into something a normal person would do. 

Someone not in love but still cares for you,  ok loves you (sounds so silly) leaves you, breaks things off, because they know they cannot give you what you deserve. They don't move you into their house, take mortgage payments, and then have feelings for another woman. no. they do not do that. 

Why do you think he has no friends? everything with your friends and family, I would bet was just part of the act he was putting on.  Having two lives. Enjoying what he had with you and using that to placate the longing and desire he feels for the other woman.  Love, friendship, companionship, help with expenses, sex, comfort all helped him deal with not being with that other woman. 

Sucks big time. I'm sorry. 

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7 minutes ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

 

I don't think it will benefit he to tell her that he doesn't love and care about her. 

And if he does, it also has nothing to do with he fact that she deserves more and that I have outlined that its foolish and horrible behaviour and very selfish on his part.

Most people come onto this page when they have no one to talk to. Or need help. People will do what they want to do. By no way am I condoning any behaviour. I think what has been said has been taken through wrong way

I think people also come here for honest opinions.  Friends and family will give her the soft "but he loved you, we saw it" and while that may comfort someone, it is also a little patronizing. 

Just going off of the facts based on what she said, are what people are responding about... 

for what it's worth. I thought what you wrote was very compassionate.

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1 minute ago, Lambert said:

I think people also come here for honest opinions.  Friends and family will give her the soft "but he loved you, we saw it" and while that may comfort someone, it is also a little patronizing. 

Just going off of the facts based on what she said, are what people are responding about... 

for what it's worth. I thought what you wrote was very compassionate.

Thank you and I'm sorry if it made you feel that way. 

Personally I do believe that to a degree that someone can have love for someone but its way down on their list of priorities. They put their own selfish needs first.

Respect and loyalty. when someone has broken those things then love doesn't matter.

I'm sorry if this hasn't helped you. But I do hope you feel betterxx

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16 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

By the same token, I don't feel it benefits her in any way to claim that he does

Women excuse far too much crap and often delude themselves into accepting it, believing that this it's love. I am not suggesting OP or you are delusional, but it's not a good idea to enable toxicity by labeling this as a caring or loving person. 

Yeah I agree with what you're saying.

I was just being honest. I don't think she should excuse anything. And I would urge her to move on.

I honestly don't belive he feels nothing for her. I was just tying to say it doesn't matter because she asked if this was because he didn't love her and when loyalty and respect get abused thats what matters.

I appreciate your opinion on this x

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2 minutes ago, Rachaeljay27 said:

Thank you and I'm sorry if it made you feel that way. 

Personally I do believe that to a degree that someone can have love for someone but its way down on their list of priorities. They put their own selfish needs first.

Respect and loyalty. when someone has broken those things then love doesn't matter.

I'm sorry if this hasn't helped you. But I do hope you feel betterxx

oops.. sorry.. I'm not the OP. 

I'm sure she'll see your message and respond.  I was commenting about this forum and why someone might post and appreciate the brutal honesty. 

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