Boyfriend secretly talking to his ex

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

No I’m definitely not the person to stay, also it sounds like it’s more than just sex between them right? I think some women can forgive the sex part but not if he’s deeply in love with an ex. It’s not like it’s him talking to many different women. I saw his texts to an older ex and he was very short and cold in his answers, it’s particularly his very last ex. 

It's been going on for 2 years.  And you said yourself it's not clear they actually met up.  Most men would not continue with just messages for that long if it was just about getting some sex on the side.

Are you trying to convince yourself to stay?  Because I've lived that cheated on life and it's a horrible way to live.

[Heyhale]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's been going on for 2 years.  And you said yourself it's not clear they actually met up.  Most men would not continue with just messages for that long if it was just about getting some sex on the side.

Are you trying to convince yourself to stay?  Because I've lived that cheated on life and it's a horrible way to live.

Not at all, sorry which part conveyed that to you, that I’m convincing myself to stay? It couldn’t be further from the truth. All I’m doing is talking my thoughts and reasoning through with you all, that’s it. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

Not at all, sorry which part conveyed that to you, that I’m conceiving myself to stay? It couldn’t be further from the truth. All I’m doing is talking my thoughts and reasoning through with you all, that’s it. 

That's good!  I'm glad you're looking out for yourself.

There are so many men out there who are honest and committed.  They will want to be with you and only you.  Once you ditch this cheater and give yourself some time, you will be free to meet one of them.

[Lambert]

4 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

Not at all, sorry which part conveyed that to you, that I’m conceiving myself to stay? It couldn’t be further from the truth. All I’m doing is talking my thoughts and reasoning through with you all, that’s it. 

And you're doing good!  A calculated, well thought out plan is the way to go. If you get all emotional and storm out, he may gaslight you. 

If you quietly get it together and leave, he will poop. And listen gf, you will be leaving with your head held high!

Does he leave to go to work etc so you can leave while he's gone? 

[Hollyj]

2 hours ago, Heyhale said:

No I’m definitely not the person to stay, also it sounds like it’s more than just sex between them right? I think some women can forgive the sex part but not if he’s deeply in love with an ex. It’s not like it’s him talking to many different women. I saw his texts to an older ex and he was very short and cold in his answers, it’s particularly his very last ex. 

No.  It sounds like he is in love with her.   

One of the big problems was that he never had a chance to process the end of his relationship, as he jumped right in with you.  Unfortunately, as you can see you have been a rebound all along.   He never got over her.   I would bet money that they reconcile after you split.  

In the future, never put yourself in this position.  Depending on the length of the relationship, there should be time to work through the pain of an ending.   

Bottom line, the guy is a sleaze bag and never got over her. Good on you for planning to leave this creep!

[Heyhale]

4 hours ago, Hollyj said:

No.  It sounds like he is in love with her.   

One of the big problems was that he never had a chance to process the end of his relationship, as he jumped right in with you.  Unfortunately, as you can see you have been a rebound all along.   He never got over her.   I would bet money that they reconcile after you split.  

In the future, never put yourself in this position.  Depending on the length of the relationship, there should be time to work through the pain of an ending.   

Bottom line, the guy is a sleaze bag and never got over her. Good on you for planning to leave this creep!

Thank you. He is being a sleaze bag

 

what do you guys think I should do about the ex? Should I send her or confront her? I know she doesn’t owe me any loyalty but maybe I should confront her and maybe this will break up anything that’s going on between them? 
 

like it’s over for me but why does it just have to be me that suffers while they suffer no consequences? Do you think he’ll even feel sorry deep down? 

[Hollyj]

14 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

Thank you. He is being a sleaze bag

 

what do you guys think I should do about the ex? Should I send her or confront her? I know she doesn’t owe me any loyalty but maybe I should confront her and maybe this will break up anything that’s going on between them? 
 

like it’s over for me but why does it just have to be me that suffers while they suffer no consequences? Do you think he’ll even feel sorry deep down? 

No.  Don't confront her, as she isn't worth it and won't care.   She already knows about you, and so it would not affect their relationship.

Considering that he has been cheating the entire time, I highly doubt he will be sorry.  You need to focus on you and your own needs.

 I think that the best revenge would be not to say a word, then move out while he is at work.  Block him and never speak to him again.  He will never  know why you left.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Heyhale said:

It’s his place and he owns it, I just pay with him mortgage and bills for 2.5 years now. I could move out and move in with a friend until I get my own place. 

Excellent. Start planning that asap. Why enrich his equity while he cheats?

Sorry this happened. But as sickening as it is, it's good you found out. Surely in retrospect a lot of puzzle pieces are falling into place .

[Heyhale]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Start planning that asap. Why enrich his equity while he cheats?

Sorry this happened. But as sickening as it is, it's good you found out. Surely in retrospect a lot of puzzle pieces are falling into place .

It is. The fact that I’ve felt he was being distant a lot, him never posting any pictures of us on his social media (all of his friends and family knows me and met me so I wasn’t sure why not, his last pic on Instagram is from the time they were together although she’s not in the pic) also he never smiles in any of our couple pics, but I found her sending him pics of them together and he’s smiling from ear to ear. 
 

also we’ve talked about marriage and he always says he thinks this where we are heading, but so far there’s been zero proof that this is what he wanted. 
 

Would he even have ever proposed if I didn’t find out? I’m not so sure 

 

we are both in our mid 30s, this isn’t some 17 year old boy 

[Hollyj]

You are lucky you found out.   Now you can find  a decent guy.

[MissCanuck]

Confronting her is pointless as it won’t break them up, so to speak.

She already knows he’s with you, and she’s doing this anyway. She doesn’t care. And neither does he. They will probably get back together, and good riddance to them. They’re both shady people. 

Find somewhere else you can stay, and get the heck away from him. 

[boltnrun]

I'm sure he would love it if the two of you fought over him. Don't give him that pleasure.

Pack up while he's at work, stay with friends or family and don't tell him where you are. Settle any financial things you might need to and then put him in your past permanently. 

You can do better than this lying cheater.

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, Heyhale said:

what do you guys think I should do about the ex? Should I send her or confront her? I know she doesn’t owe me any loyalty but maybe I should confront her and maybe this will break up anything that’s going on between them? 

I agree that confronting her is pointless. Right now, she's just a rotten person. If you confront her, you will make a rotten person your enemy--two rotten people (him). Why do that to yourself. Just snip them neatly out of your life and move along.

Look at the 'prize' she's winning: 

7 hours ago, Heyhale said:

The fact that I’ve felt he was being distant a lot, him never posting any pictures of us on his social media (all of his friends and family knows me and met me so I wasn’t sure why not, his last pic on Instagram is from the time they were together although she’s not in the pic) also he never smiles in any of our couple pics, but I found her sending him pics of them together and he’s smiling from ear to ear. 

Yuck. 

Three years is way to long to spend with this winner.

I hope you sneak all of your stuff out quietly while he is not home! Block, delete, and leave no trace! That would be funny.

[Lambert]

Definitely no confrontation or conversing with her. All it will do is make you their common crazy enemy and give them more to talk about. 

Remain a mystery.  A strong, no-bs woman that once she knows the truth walks away with her head high no f's given.

He caused all of this. you did nothing wrong.  Just keep it that way. 

Grab your crap,  trash his place and leave.  lol. 

ps... by trash I mean just make a mess-  dump the garbage, pull all the sheets off the bed, throw all the food away... just to be an inconvenience... no real damage.  let him clean up. take the toilet paper and his tooth brush. just random things that will piss him off.

[praisechange]

i would say if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't worry because if he really liked her that much, he would have broken up with you long time ago to be with her(begging her to come back).  Obviously neither of you are his true love, that's why he is acting this way, contemplating one against the other.

but if i were in his ex's shoes, I am actually glad that sometimes women can have so much power on a man.  That even a relationship is lost, she can still have strong influence.  This definitely is good news to those who consider reconciliation.

[Heyhale]

17 minutes ago, praisechange said:

i would say if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't worry because if he really liked her that much, he would have broken up with you long time ago to be with her(begging her to come back).  Obviously neither of you are his true love, that's why he is acting this way, contemplating one against the other.

but if i were in his ex's shoes, I am actually glad that sometimes women can have so much power on a man.  That even a relationship is lost, she can still have strong influence.  This definitely is good news to those who consider reconciliation.

So I shouldn’t worry about what I found out? 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Heyhale said:

So I shouldn’t worry about what I found out? 

Are you hoping to stay with him?

I asked that before and you responded that you didn't know where I got that from, but it seems like you are trying to find a way to stay.

Are you truly, 100% OK with the fact that he's been communicating with his alleged ex for 2 years and hiding it from you?

[Heyhale]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you hoping to stay with him?

I asked that before and you responded that you didn't know where I got that from, but it seems like you are trying to find a way to stay.

Are you truly, 100% OK with the fact that he's been communicating with his alleged ex for 2 years and hiding it from you?

Did you read the above reply? I’m just finding it strange that someone left that reply so I’m asking if they mean it. 
 

are you wanting me to stay? Cause you keep repeating that. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Heyhale said:

It is. The fact that I’ve felt he was being distant a lot, him never posting any pictures of us on his social media (all of his friends and family knows me and met me so I wasn’t sure why not, his last pic on Instagram is from the time they were together although she’s not in the pic) also he never smiles in any of our couple pics, but I found her sending him pics of them together and he’s smiling from ear to ear. 
 

also we’ve talked about marriage and he always says he thinks this where we are heading, but so far there’s been zero proof that this is what he wanted. 
 

Would he even have ever proposed if I didn’t find out? I’m not so sure 

 

we are both in our mid 30s, this isn’t some 17 year old boy 

This will take time to digest. You'll make the right choice in the end.

[Heyhale]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This will take time to digest. You'll make the right choice in the end.

I really don’t like it when someone thinks they just know what I’ll do, it doesn’t come off that kind to me. I said I’m leaving and I am, I’ve no reason to lie to a bunch of strangers. 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Heyhale said:

Did you read the above reply? I’m just finding it strange that someone left that reply so I’m asking if they mean it. 
 

are you wanting me to stay? Cause you keep repeating that. 

I don't "want" anything because it's your life.  But I've lived that life where I was constantly playing amateur detective and wondering and worrying about where he was and what he was doing whenever I wasn't around.  If I can at least try to help someone avoid that life I would like to do so.

I'm glad you clarified what you meant, however.  I certainly am glad to read you have decided to leave.

[shellyf62]

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

If it was me, I would have had my bags packed & I would have been gone the minute I found the messages 😠

[catfeeder]

On 1/17/2021 at 3:30 AM, Heyhale said:

I only found out by total accident when my phone broke and he gave me his old phone until I buy another

Well, when you're ready, here's your 'in' to discuss this with him. It's not as though you snooped--he gave you direct access to those messages. So either ask the guy who can answer your questions or settle for a bunch of strangers' speculations.

My heart goes out to you. I can appreciate your shock. You'll need to decide whether a two-faced guy is good enough for you.

PS: I agree with the good folks above who advise NOT to take this to HER. She's not your problem, HE is. You'll get nothing from her but an insult added to your injury.

[Heyhale]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I don't "want" anything because it's your life.  But I've lived that life where I was constantly playing amateur detective and wondering and worrying about where he was and what he was doing whenever I wasn't around.  If I can at least try to help someone avoid that life I would like to do so.

I'm glad you clarified what you meant, however.  I certainly am glad to read you have decided to leave.

I’m sorry you had to go through something similar where you couldn’t find answers. Please remember I just found all of this out 2 days ago with zero evidence before (when I say he fooled me I really mean he fooled everyone around us too, cause he was such a great actor) I can’t explain my shock to you. It feels unreal. 

so I actually told him, I know so many said just leave but I can’t do that without telling him I know. Why make it easier for them? Maybe he’ll hate himself a little, lose some self respect? 
 

he looked so embarrassed and ashamed, he kept apologizing and tell me she’s just his friend and he didn’t really mean anything he said, it’s just childish hornyness,

etc he told me she moved away and it’s not like she lives down the street where he can just meet her. He doesn’t want to cut her out of his life, obviously. Like if he could I’m sure he’d keep her in his life forever is the feeling I’m getting. He’s not with her bec he can’t, not by choice. 
 

so basically what he means is if she was closer, he’d pick her over me? Cause that’s really what it sounded to me. There were plenty of “getting you pregnant” jokes in those texts, there’s just no redeeming this guy. I’m done. I’m staying at my brothers. 

[boltnrun]

Yeah, he doesn't deserve you.

"Childish hornyness"? Um, if he's horny why not have some fun with you? 

I'm glad you left.

Now, be prepared.  She isn't immediately available to him. So he'll be feeling sorry for himself now that he doesn't have access to sex and in person companionship. He will try to lure you back. He will try several different tactics, most likely minimizing what he did, using self pity and accusing you of being "mean" or of jumping to incorrect conclusions. He may even cry or send flowers.

Do not fall for it. Remember,  if you hadn't found the messages he would have continued to cheat forever. He probably would have found a way to meet up with her.

You are well rid of this lying cheater.