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Boyfriend secretly talking to his ex


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I’ve been with him for 3 years, we live together and he’s been a really good bf to me (although he isn’t always expressing his feelings like I need) 

I recently found out that he has been SECRETLY talking to his ex for the majority of our relationship together. Him and I started dating 2 months after their breakup. He’s been talking to her secretly for over 2 years (I only found out by total accident when my phone broke and he gave me his old phone until I buy another) 

They’re flirting, exchanging sexy pictures, reminiscing about their past, talking past problems through (like him explaining why he did something during their relationship and how he’s sorry etc) talking about meeting, joking together, phone calls, etc and they talk about me. In one of the texts he said something like “we will try to meet when we can until I tell her, I’ll have to make a choice” 

and his ex was like “tell her what!?” So it doesn’t sound like they’ve a plan or whatever. 

Also so many of the texts and phone calls are at night time (after I’ve slept) or when he goes to walk the dog alone, or times when I’m not at home. When he spends 2 hours in the bathroom.
 

none of the texts talk about them getting back together or any talk of love, besides his occasional “you still mean so much to me” etc 

 

I'm in utter shock, he never even mentions her to me and I had no idea at all that they’re talking! I really have no idea what’s going on, he talks about the future with me, he’s sweet and helpful with me, so I’m lost. 
 

Is he still in love with her? Is it just sex? Is it both? I don’t know where to go from here. I’m devastated. 
 

please help 

Edited by Heyhale
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58 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

Is he still in love with her? Is it just sex? Is it both? I don’t know where to go from here. I’m devastated. 

This. 

I'm really sorry, OP. I would not continue the relationship with someone who's been carrying on an inappropriate emotional affair with his ex ever since you've known him. He's not invested in you, and never really has been. 

He's also apparently quite skilled at concealing who he really is. I can imagine it's quite a shock, but this was life tapping you on the shoulder to hand you the evidence that this guy is not a good person. 

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4 hours ago, Heyhale said:

he’s been a really good bf to me

If he has been secretly talking to his ex for the majority of this relationship, then he's been a really bad bf to you. The worst.

You can't trust this guy. Don't give him the time of day.

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Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you'll need to move out.

He simply can't be trusted and was leading a double life the entire time.

Do not try to work this out. Cut your losses. Staying would mean you'll be blindsided one day, if not because of her, because of the next one .

 

 

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

If he has been secretly talking to his ex for the majority of this relationship, then he's been a really bad bf to you. The worst.

Yeah, precisely. 

He's not truly a good boyfriend at all, OP. You've only just found that out. 

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I'm sorry this happened to you.  that he is doing this to you.  It's really quite selfish and very telling of who you are dealing with.  Mainly, a man that will do what is best for himself and will only be sorry he got caught. 

As hurtful as what he is doing is, I hope you are able to see how low this is. how when it comes to a life partner, anything less than someone who has your back when he's alone, out walking the dog, you're not home, etc is way more important than what he is to your face. You might as well move out and find your future because you've been living a lie. 

And I'm sorry.  it sucks. 

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6 hours ago, Heyhale said:

I’ve been with him for 3 years, we live together and he’s been a really good bf to me (although he isn’t always expressing his feelings like I need) 

I recently found out that he has been SECRETLY talking to his ex for the majority of our relationship together. Him and I started dating 2 months after their breakup. He’s been talking to her secretly for over 2 years (I only found out by total accident when my phone broke and he gave me his old phone until I buy another) 

They’re flirting, exchanging sexy pictures, reminiscing about their past, talking past problems through (like him explaining why he did something during their relationship and how he’s sorry etc) talking about meeting, joking together, phone calls, etc and they talk about me. In one of the texts he said something like “we will try to meet when we can until I tell her, I’ll have to make a choice” 

and his ex was like “tell her what!?” So it doesn’t sound like they’ve a plan or whatever. 

Also so many of the texts and phone calls are at night time (after I’ve slept) or when he goes to walk the dog alone, or times when I’m not at home. When he spends 2 hours in the bathroom.
 

none of the texts talk about them getting back together or any talk of love, besides his occasional “you still mean so much to me” etc 

 

I'm in utter shock, he never even mentions her to me and I had no idea at all that they’re talking! I really have no idea what’s going on, he talks about the future with me, he’s sweet and helpful with me, so I’m lost. 
 

Is he still in love with her? Is it just sex? Is it both? I don’t know where to go from here. I’m devastated. 
 

please help 

Well he is not loyal at all I’d not trust his ex’s are ex’s for a reason , I think it’s so disrespectful for him to be talking to his ex or any other girl like that , how it makes you feel is horrible don’t knock your self though Cos of the way he thinks it’s ok to treat you , sometimes it’s not what you want to do get rid but he’s totally making you look stupid to this girl she probably got rid for same reason and probably is the reason there not back now 

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8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

If he has been secretly talking to his ex for the majority of this relationship, then he's been a really bad bf to you. The worst.

You can't trust this guy. Don't give him the time of day.

You’re right, and I’m talking about who I thought he is! Like there’s never been any signs that he was a bad bf, if you ask anyone who knows him and knows us they’d say he’s so in love with me and so so devoted 

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11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This. 

I'm really sorry, OP. I would not continue the relationship with someone who's been carrying on an inappropriate emotional affair with his ex ever since you've known him. He's not invested in you, and never really has been. 

He's also apparently quite skilled at concealing who he really is. I can imagine it's quite a shock, but this was life tapping you on the shoulder to hand you the evidence that this guy is not a good person. 

Is he unhappy with me? Do you think he loves me? Because I don’t really know why he’s still with me if he isn’t 

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Just now, Heyhale said:

Like there’s never been any signs that he was a bad bf, if you ask anyone who knows him and knows us they’d say he’s so in love with me and so so devoted 

He's got his game down, is all. 

2 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

Do you think he loves me? Because I don’t really know why he’s still with me if he isn’t 

Does it matter? I mean, let's say he does love you. This is how he loves people: He betrays them the whole time. Is this the kind of love that you want? You know, there's better love out there.

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He never stopped loving his ex..unfortunately he's been emotionally cheating on you. You always noticed he was emotionally unavailable to you....well duh, he's sharing it with his ex. We don't know if he loves you or not, only he can answer that....but TBH that is the last thing you should worry about....you need to dump his ass and move out.

Why he stays with me? maybe it helps to share rent and the bills. Maybe he likes having more than one GF....who knows! Who cares, get out of there.

Edited by smackie9
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I'm sorry, but he is still in love with her, and has been cheating emotionally the entire time.   This guy does not love or respect you.   

 

Dump him and throw him out!

Edited by Hollyj
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18 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

Is he unhappy with me? Do you think he loves me? Because I don’t really know why he’s still with me if he isn’t 

He doesn't love you.  He is with you as it is convenient.   

Does any of it matter.  He has been cheating on you.  You don't want this.  He is a deceitful creep.

Edited by Hollyj
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18 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

He's got his game down, is all. 

Does it matter? I mean, let's say he does love you. This is how he loves people: He betrays them the whole time. Is this the kind of love that you want? You know, there's better love out there.

No it doesn’t matter, I agree, but I just really wanted to know, an explanation for the last 3 years! 

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14 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I'm sorry, but he is still in love with her, and has been cheating emotionally the entire time.   This guy does not love or respect you.   

 

Dump him and throw him out!

Yeah, I mean I can’t picture still being in love with an ex 3 years later but maybe he can, even though he’s seemingly invested in me

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16 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

I just really wanted to know, an explanation for the last 3 years! 

Totally understandable. But unfortunately, you may never get one. So, don't hold your breath!

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13 hours ago, Heyhale said:

They’re flirting, exchanging sexy pictures, reminiscing about their past, talking past problems through (like him explaining why he did something during their relationship and how he’s sorry etc) talking about meeting, joking together, phone calls, etc and they talk about me. In one of the texts he said something like “we will try to meet when we can until I tell her, I’ll have to make a choice” 

and his ex was like “tell her what!?” So it doesn’t sound like they’ve a plan or whatever. 

Also so many of the texts and phone calls are at night time (after I’ve slept) or when he goes to walk the dog alone, or times when I’m not at home. When he spends 2 hours in the bathroom.
 

He's emotionally cheating - with his EX.  To know all of this affects EVERYTHING between you, right??

This kind of crap I would not tolerate.

Simple.  He moved on way too fast, onto you.  Is all messed up!  😞  . You don't deserve this!

You don't know where to go from here?  Out.

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32 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

Yeah, I mean I can’t picture still being in love with an ex 3 years later but maybe he can, even though he’s seemingly invested in me

This thinking is probably petty normal considering you are processing a lot and it's a stark difference from what you thought he was. 

Try not to put too much stock in the old "everyone says they can see he so crazy in love with me and so in loyal" This isn't about what others think or appearances.  it's about you and him and the huge deception that's been going on for 3 years. 

He could still love her because he's never really left her.. the pics, flirting, talk of dumping you.... this is very painful stuff. and I am sorry to say,  you're probably still together because the ex isn't taking him back. 

That's usually what these things are... he is showing her he is moving on but not. the door is open.  

If you stay with him, you're basically saying all of this ok with you.  And he can have you both. until maybe she decides she wants him and then you are out. 

The trust is gone. And it can never be brought back. 

Edited by Lambert
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2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

This thinking is probably petty normal considering you are processing a lot and it's a stark difference from what you thought he was. 

Try not to put too much stock in the old "everyone's he so crazy in love with me and so in loyal" This isn't v about what others think or appearances.  it's about you and him and the huge deception that's been going on for 3 years. 

He could still love her because he's never really left her.. the pics, flirting, talk of dumping you.... this is very painful stuff. and I am sorry to say,  you're probably still together because the ex isn't taking him back. 

That's usually what these things are... he is showing her he is moving on but not. the door is open.  

If you stay with him, you're basically saying all of this ok with you.  And he can have you both. until maybe she decides she wants him and then you are out. 

The trust is gone. And it can never be brought back. 

You’re right. It’s still sinking in. They’ve talked so so much that I could barely read it all, it’s like they were rebuilding what they had while he’s with me. Talks of them meeting and how he could take days off work to go see her. In one text he said I could see being 70 and still sleeping with you! 
 

I haven’t confronted him yet, he’s been down with a cold right as I’m seeing all of this, he still has no idea I know anything. Now I’m realizing that whenever he’s alone in the room scrolling down his social media’s he’s watching hers. The whole thing is making me absolutely sick. I can’t even look at him. 
 

also it was my idea to seriously date when we first met, and it was my idea to move in together, he always said yes to anything i said so I thought he’s just as serious as me 

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7 minutes ago, Heyhale said:

You’re right. It’s still sinking in. They’ve talked so so much that I could barely read it all, it’s like they were rebuilding what they had while he’s with me. Talks of them meeting and how he could take days off work to go see her. In one text he said I could see being 70 and still sleeping with you! 
 

I haven’t confronted him yet, he’s been down with a cold right as I’m seeing all of this, he still has no idea I know anything. Now I’m realizing that whenever he’s alone in the room scrolling down his social media’s he’s watching hers. The whole thing is making me absolutely sick. I can’t even look at him. 
 

also it was my idea to seriously date when we first met, and it was my idea to move in together, he always said yes to anything i said so I thought he’s just as serious as me 

Ugh... this guy!

For the time being, I would not say anything. I would quietly get my ducks in a row to move out or throw him out.

I had an old boss and she used to say all the time- always have "your eff you" money ready. How are you going to get yourself out of this? 

Are you both on the lease? how much longer is it? 

Edited by Lambert
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If he was as serious as you HE would have suggested seriously dating and moving in together.  Instead, he probably tells himself you were the one who pushed everything, not him, so it's on you.

Also, he probably thinks he's a big stud with two women crazy about him.  Plus, I presume you help pay the bills (please don't tell us you pay all the rent!!) so that's more money for him.

I would be packed and ready to go if you insist on "confronting" him.  He's going to deny, yell at you for snooping or otherwise deflect responsibility.  You will feel guilty for snooping and try to convince yourself YOU were wrong.  If you want to hold onto this relationship badly enough you will accept all the blame and pretend what you saw wasn't that bad.  Then you'll get the pleasure of constantly being anxious and on edge, wondering what he's doing every time he's not right in front of you.  You will become a detective, sneaking looks on his phone and his computer and stalking his other girlfriend's social media.  I can't believe you would willingly sign up for this kind of life; I hope you don't.

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3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Ugh... this guy!

For the time being, I would not say anything. I would quietly get my ducks in a row to move out or throw him out.

I had an old boss and she used to say all the time- always have "your eff you" money ready. How are you going to get yourself out of this? 

Are you both on the lease? how much longer is it? 

It’s his place and he owns it, I just pay with him mortgage and bills for 2.5 years now. I could move out and move in with a friend until I get my own place. 

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If he was as serious as you HE would have suggested seriously dating and moving in together.  Instead, he probably tells himself you were the one who pushed everything, not him, so it's on you.

Also, he probably thinks he's a big stud with two women crazy about him.  Plus, I presume you help pay the bills (please don't tell us you pay all the rent!!) so that's more money for him.

I would be packed and ready to go if you insist on "confronting" him.  He's going to deny, yell at you for snooping or otherwise deflect responsibility.  You will feel guilty for snooping and try to convince yourself YOU were wrong.  If you want to hold onto this relationship badly enough you will accept all the blame and pretend what you saw wasn't that bad.  Then you'll get the pleasure of constantly being anxious and on edge, wondering what he's doing every time he's not right in front of you.  You will become a detective, sneaking looks on his phone and his computer and stalking his other girlfriend's social media.  I can't believe you would willingly sign up for this kind of life; I hope you don't.

No I’m definitely not the person to stay, also it sounds like it’s more than just sex between them right? I think some women can forgive the sex part but not if he’s deeply in love with an ex. It’s not like it’s him talking to many different women. I saw his texts to an older ex and he was very short and cold in his answers, it’s particularly his very last ex. 

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1 minute ago, Heyhale said:

It’s his place and he owns it, I just pay with him mortgage and bills for 2.5 years now. I could move out and move in with a friend until I get my own place. 

Don't say a word to him yet.....not until you leave.

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