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Question for the group. I am 47 and have had an affair with a woman 10 years older than me. My marriage basically feels like it's over and was before the affair. I really would like to be with this woman. I feel somewhat reluctant to get super involved with her because of the age difference and where we are in life. 

I'll go ahead and head off the low lying fruit. I have a post in Infidelity going over the affair and I feel pretty crappy all in all but i am considering my options as it were.

Here is the seemingly shallow stuff. First we have a lot in common and have genuine feelings for one another. She is smoking hot and neither looks nor acts her age. 

As I said, she is 57. Here is what I am thinking about and where my hang ups come in to play. She would be retiring in the next 10 years, she would likely begin to have health issues and of course sex could fall by the wayside. I've been married 27 years...this is not as big of a problem as it sounds but still. She is likely to pass away before me unless you consider the average lifespan of American men and women, which has about a 7-10 year age gap with the woman outliving the man. 

I know people who are older than me that have not been aging well going into their late 60s / early 70s and i feel like one should be with who they are going to spend the rest of their life with by my age and CERTAINLY  by hers so these would already be a given and understood that extra care will be needed later in life. 

My questions are:

Is anyone (men in particular) in a relationship or has begun a relationship with someone so much older than them and did you start it in your late 40s/early 50s?

Am I over thinking or under thinking this?

And also is there anyone (particularly women) in a relationship with someone about 10 years younger at this stage in life?

Advice, stories, answers appreciated. 

Negative comments about my affair are a waste of both of our time and won't be dignified with a full reading of your post nor a response.

Thank you in advance

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3 hours ago, jaywalk said:

Am I over thinking or under thinking this?

I think you're probably overthinking this. You bring up valid points about age, but people do it all the time.

Most of the time, the woman is the younger party. An age gap of 7 years or more is not uncommon.

And when you think about it, women tend to live longer than men. The age gap means widowhood for a significant period of time, but they're still not flinching.

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To be honest, most relationships that start off due to cheating, don't work.

Have you considered staying single for now to figure out what went wrong in your marriage and why you choose to cheat? Why not get divorced first and then date?

Either way, you have a lot of pitfalls against you concerning this relationship. 

Edited by SherrySher
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Who cares, and just live in the moment. If things start to fall off, then you can decide to leave and meet someone new if you feel like it. I don't get why people worry about stuff like this and over think it so much...relationships do come and go, it's just part of life...how they end varies, and no one is obligated to stay in a relaiotnship for whatever the reason may be. Follow your happiness.

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Agree that you’re overthinking things. 

To nimbly skirt the specifics here, I think this is the kind of headspace a person drifts toward when he or she is leaping from one long relationship and into another and, as such, has yet to live firmly where we all actually live: in the present tense.

I mean, you’re already thinking about being a widower for five years thirty years from now? That’s a bit extreme, no? Romantic as the idea is to “grow old and die” together, outside of suicide pacts people tend to die when they die, and they do it alone. Just something to remember.

My personal observation has been that the happiest couples, regardless of the nitty gritty of their back story, are those who don’t really care about where it’s all going because they’re on the same page and enjoying the process of writing more together. What that story amounts to only time knows.

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Sorry, if you say your marriage is over, then end it and not on whether you want to be with this 57 year old woman. Distance yourself from her while you either work out your marriage or leave your marriage and with the mistress not in sight, you can be honest instead of monkey branching between women. 

If you have deep doubts about being with an older woman - after you are properly divorced and take time to figure out who you are -- then don't pursue her for the long term - though if she is willing to be with a married man, be prepared she may not be faithful in the long run or you may lose your shine to her after you are legally available and can date her out in the open for all family to see.

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7 hours ago, jaywalk said:

She would be retiring in the next 10 years, she would likely begin to have health issues and of course sex could fall by the wayside. I've been married 27 years...this is not as big of a problem as it sounds but still. She is likely to pass away before me unless you consider the average lifespan of American men and women, which has about a 7-10 year age gap with the woman outliving the man. 

An age gap is more an issue when much younger.. by this time not as much.  You're in your 40's.. she is in her 50's no big deal.

what concerns me is your actions.. messing around, when married??

How long have you had this fling with this other woman?  My issue is also if you are not emotionally removed from that of you marriage (wife), you could very well be just in it for a thrill/change- and rebounding.

What if you're just hitting a mid-life crisis and be pulling away from this one as well, when the honeymoon phase ends?  

And how well do you know her?

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"

what concerns me is your actions.. messing around, when married??

How long have you had this fling with this other woman?  My issue is also if you are not emotionally removed from that of you marriage (wife), you could very well be just in it for a thrill/change- and rebounding.

What if you're just hitting a mid-life crisis and be pulling away from this one as well, when the honeymoon phase ends?  

And how well do you know her?"

I've known her for 5 years and our affair was on and off over 3 of it. We were coworkers and good friends. It started simply enough, common interests and such. We got to know each other pretty well(I think) and we both were against the idea if a relationship until the one time it went too far. While not an excuse, alcohol was involved at a party.

Let me say this....I have known my wife for 33 years. High school sweethearts, married at 19 and 20(6 month age gap) happily married for 13 years, never considered another person in all that time. For 14 years I have been trying to make the marriage better for us as we hit a MAJOR snag in 06. Still, the desire to stay NEVER entered my mind. 

My emotional detachment began to deteriorate not long after the death of an in law in 2013. Lots of family drama, both at home and with her family. In 2015, I had taken a long term project out of town and when I came home to visit, with plenty of advance notice, my wife was hardly at home or if she was, she was sleeping. A bit of a workaholic perhaps. This work schedule had been in place for some time and, granted, I may have been expecting too much as I had believed(hoped) the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder" was true.

I did everything except fly home, pack her bags and escort her back to the city I was working in...she never came to see me in all the time I was working away from home. I came to her, always. 

After a while, my emotional detachment was more about loyalty and duty to my wife. I had vowed to love, honor and cherish her till I died. I promised to cate for her and take care of her no matter what. We both made these vows. I began to feel as if I was the only one who cared and after awhile, i began to realize it was an exercise in futility. 

This was before I had even met the other woman. 

Even after, I stayed true to her and to myself. While I am not an overly proud man, I do have a sense of decency and an acute awareness of what cheating does to a person nevermind the family as a whole. 

I have given so much th ought to the whole mid life crisis thing and even had the conversation regarding my leaving my wife for her. I asked her point blank how she could trust me to be faithful if I had cheated on my wife with her. How could she believe I would be faithful to her. I know that in light of things, it seems disingenuous to say that I would not cheat on her. I believe I would remain faithful but as a cheater, who could believe me? 

There are indeed many pitfalls ahead for me and the likelihood of a successful second relationship is not good. According to my reading, many divorcees find their problems follow them to their next relationship because they don't realize their part in the failure of the previous one. I believe I realize my part in the failure of our relationship. I also know I've tried like crazy to make it right. 

I've considered staying single and only dating. The idea of remarrying doesn't appeal to me, not for fear of committing, but simply because I would need time to come to terms with such a life change. My dad was battled cancer for 5 years knowing it would kill him. Even knowing that and saying all that needed to be said, saying goodbye to him didn't prepare me for his passing and I am still grieving that 3 years later. But i digress. 

Really confused about a lot of this. I tend to not only look before I leap, I test wind speed, temperature and barometric pressure. This is why I think I am overthinking.  

Thanks for the insights

 

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If she ended the affair, there's no need to deliberate on her vs your wife's age, their relative longevity and abilities to take care of you as you age.

Perhaps this is all just sour grapes because she ended things?

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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7 hours ago, jaywalk said:

many divorcees find their problems follow them to their next relationship because they don't realize their part in the failure of the previous one.

That's a definite concern.

It's very, very easy to say "I realize my part in the failure." Unfortunately, it's probably not true. I say that because "trying like crazy" hasn't worked. If you were aiming at the right things, it probably would have worked.

Don't forget that your wife was there while you were "trying like crazy." Your efforts fell short because there is probably more to her side of things that you're not aware of.

Have you tried counselling? It think it would be a good idea to enlist a therapist to help you and your wife tie up the loose ends of the marriage before you depart from it. And really work at tying things up, even if every session is just a series of apologies. That way, your failed efforts have less of a chance of following you into your future.

Edited by Jibralta
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She would be retiring in the next 10 years, she would likely begin to have health issues and of course sex could fall by the wayside.

If she knew you were thinking of this, do you think she'd want to risk continuing on with you? I'd probably do her a favor and let her go.

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11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she ended the affair, there's no need to deliberate on her vs your wife's age, their relative longevity and abilities to take care of you as you age.

Perhaps this is all just sour grapes because she ended things?

 

I think she went ahead and ended it because I was at home and not with her. Geographically. We live in separate states. Truthfully, I am living in the same home I grew up in. I have a nice spread here. Not extravagant but I like it. Space and privacy...great place to escape to. I LOVE the area she lives in. My hang up is/was leaving all I'd ever known. I was afraid I'd lose my home in the divorce(overthinking and awfulizing) I believe she saw that as I'd never leave my wife. 

I've slowly but surely become apathetic to the whole thing and if I lose the house l, i lose the house. I love where she lives and moving wouldn't be so bad I guess.

I'm not mad that she ended things, I'm just thinking I could've left and been with her sooner. Mad at myself for overthinking and taking too long to act

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2 hours ago, Andrina said:

She would be retiring in the next 10 years, she would likely begin to have health issues and of course sex could fall by the wayside.

If she knew you were thinking of this, do you think she'd want to risk continuing on with you? I'd probably do her a favor and let her go.

I think she would be hurt by the idea I was thinking about this and not focusing more on how we feel for one another. I would be complicating something so seemingly simple. 

I think you're right though. Probably just better to let her go and let it lie.whatever happens will happen and there's no need to go chasing after her if she has made up her mind to end things.

She knew I was married, she knew the complications, she knew the risks. I don't think she considered my attachment to my home, geographically speaking. 

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So this is all hypothetical? She ended the affair?

If you want someone who will give you lots of sex for many more years and who won't age before you do, wouldn't either working things out with your wife or divorcing her and dating women closer to your age make more sense?

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