Cherylyn Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 11 hours ago, odangdude said: Yeah that's fine, and she has the same reasoning, and could probably help me be more organized. But I said I was willing to keep my stuff off the counter and in one drawer and the only way she was willing to compromise on that was to let me have my deoderant and shaving cream together, but the comb and hair gel had to stay with the hair stuff. I am not losing sleep over this bathroom thing.. the point is if she needs this much control over where i put my comb, how is she going to act when we disagree on more serious matters? She leaves her hair brush, contact case/solution, straightener, and sometimes make up bag on the counter every day. When she gets out of the shower she drops the towel on the carpet and leaves it there. We have two separate desks and she tried to make a big fit about me keeping stuff on top of MY desk, she wanted me to get paper organizers and crap. And now, HER desk is cluttered with stuff all over the top. If you're incessantly arguing over this with your wife, seek professional marriage counseling and / or a psychologist. Hopefully, you'll be able to settle this discord peacefully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 You have to give the marriage counseling time to work. Has he/she given homework or suggested couples communication books to read? If not, a good book is Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Take turns reading a chapter a day aloud to each other. Please be real with your wife to show her the seriousness of the matter and that's it's not just a little tiff that will blow over. Tell her that you love her and that you want that to last forever. But that you fear her behavior and reactions are going to gradually kill any love that exists, and you don't want it to get to that point. Yes, her expectations are unreasonable such as the cuddling all night. I'd reiterate how your needs are important too, and you two are not the same person so might have different views, and that she needs to respects your views. It's always good to have a discussion about how important something is on a scale of 1 to 10, but everything can't be a 10 to her. If it doesn't change and it's always about what she wants 100 percent of the time with no regards to your wants, you might consider that you've made a mistake in marrying someone like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maritalbliss86 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 15 hours ago, Cherylyn said: My husband and sons' toiletries are in organized open bins underneath the bathroom sink or in section trays in drawers. The only thing on top of the bathroom counter is a soap pump bottle. When it's time to clean the bathroom, it's a lot easier to clean countertops without a lot of junk on top of it. It also looks better when everything is neat and organized. Yes, I organize our bathrooms the exact same way! I LOVE little bins... but I'm a neat-freak and maybe a tad OCD... we're also minimalists LOL... But there are ways to do be like that, that also honor and respect your husband and his wishes. He loves how I organize, but I also do my part and never make him feel like he's having to really, "compromise," too much at all. He loves keeping ALL his items in one little bin (that makes it easier to clean around for me and look better, etc). I would NEVER insist his comb had to go with my comb etc. She needs (imo) to be more respectful in the way she does this stuff, or he's going to feel disrespected and unheard. 15 hours ago, Cherylyn said: Believe me, 'there is bigger fish to fry' meaning you'll have intense disagreements in the future such as perhaps finances, health, relationships (friendships / relationships with in-laws & friends) scary tumult and more serious matters. Don't quibble and sweat the small stuff. Life is too short. Yes! I agree with this overall. There will MOST definitely be bigger fish to fry... things you can't even imagine now will come up and if you guys can't sail through the little things like this, it's going to be a lot harder when the real stuff comes up and you both need to be adults and be respectful, fight fairly with each other etc. All of that can be learnt in counseling ❤️ I hope she's receptive to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 16 hours ago, Cherylyn said: I don't think your wife is selfish. She is merely maintaining a neat, orderly, organized home. I do the same. Yes, you are prideful. Swallow your pride and grow up. Peace is better than fighting any day. Be smart. If you have read through the thread she is organizing, he just wants his stuff separate...nothing about leaving it out on the counter..., but he did say that SHE will leave her own clutter on the bathroom counter. So for her "don't as I do, but what I tell you to do". She's a controlling B^%$#. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: If you have read through the thread she is organizing, he just wants his stuff separate...nothing about leaving it out on the counter..., but he did say that SHE will leave her own clutter on the bathroom counter. So for her "don't as I do, but what I tell you to do". She's a controlling B^%$#. I agree. I didn't read that he wants to create clutter but rather than he would like a "my drawer" and a "your drawer". But SHE wants to dictate how the drawers are organized. It's nit picky for sure. But in light of all the other things she insists must be done her way, it seems she expects him to give in but she doesn't think she should have to. Compromise goes both ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: If you have read through the thread she is organizing, he just wants his stuff separate...nothing about leaving it out on the counter..., but he did say that SHE will leave her own clutter on the bathroom counter. So for her "don't as I do, but what I tell you to do". She's a controlling B^%$#. If they're already arguing over this petty stuff at 4 months, their marriage doesn't look good in the future. Is it worth fighting? Pick your battles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 27 minutes ago, Cherylyn said: Is it worth fighting? Pick your battles. Seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 9 hours ago, Cherylyn said: If you're incessantly arguing over this with your wife, seek professional marriage counseling and / or a psychologist. Hopefully, you'll be able to settle this discord peacefully. They are presently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 38 minutes ago, Cherylyn said: If they're already arguing over this petty stuff at 4 months, their marriage doesn't look good in the future. Is it worth fighting? Pick your battles. And yes I did say that. BUT she's the one that argues over everything, not him. She's a bully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 2 minutes ago, smackie9 said: And yes I did say that. BUT she's the one that argues over everything, not him. She's a bully. Hopefully, a professional marriage counselor, therapist or psychologist can help them both. I remember when I was married at 4 months. My husband and I knew how to live harmoniously and peacefully. I hope it works out for them with whatever they decide to do in order to have a blissfully happy marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 3 minutes ago, smackie9 said: And yes I did say that. BUT she's the one that argues over everything, not him. She's a bully. Yeah, the whole "You must cuddle me the entire night even though you it means you can't sleep well!" and "You must put your comb in the same drawer as my hair brushes!" doesn't sound much like compromise to me. I'm one of those who cannot sleep when someone's all over me. I don't mind them sleeping close but can't tolerate them hugging or throwing a leg over me. I can't even let my cat sleep on my stomach lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said: Hopefully, a professional marriage counselor, therapist or psychologist can help them both. I remember when I was married at 4 months. My husband and I knew how to live harmoniously and peacefully. I hope it works out for them with whatever they decide to do in order to have a blissfully happy marriage. They saw one before they were married and one now.....the reason it's not working because he wasn't honest about how things really happened and how he really is being treated...he just sat there and apologized and took all the blame. He's afraid of her wrath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: They saw one before they were married and one now.....the reason it's not working because he wasn't honest about how things really happened and how he really is being treated...he just sat there and apologized and took all the blame. He's afraid of her wrath. After 4 months of marriage, they're not on solid footing which is unfortunate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 Well now that the OP knows he needs to grow a spine and stand up for himself....hopefully with therapy she will realize how he actually feels and acknowledges she and him both need to change how they treat each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 Why is this an 'either/or' question? It's not about, "I win OR she wins," as in one is ALWAYS right or wrong. If a partner moved my personal items while cleaning, I'd say, "I'll try out your method, but if it doesn't work for me, I'll get my own bin and put myself stuff in it--and out of your way." If she wants to argue about that, I'd gently remind her that I said that I'm willing to try it her way. In return, is she willing to try x or y for me? Negotiate. Sure, that requires a backbone, and it also requires offering a partner something of value to her in exchange for doing something of value to you. Suggest to wife--during a time that you are NOT arguing--that you love her and want for you both to be able to view one another as 'on the same side' rather than as adversaries. Ask wife to make up a 'bribe' list of things that she wants from you that you're not currently saying or doing, and also of list of things you say or do that she'd like you to stop doing. Make up a list of your own. Bring those lists to your counselor and ask him/her to teach the two of you how to negotiate exchanges of those things in order to both get some things that you want. You don't need some arbitrary generalized verdict on who is ALWAYS right. You're either invested in working together in partnership, or you're not. If not, decide whether you want to get out or stay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 I say good luck to you as you have married an immature bully. You cant spend your life cuddling at night, it hurts the body to not move in like 8 hours. The whole bathroom rearranging shows incredible immaturity on her part. You want your stuff in one spot, put it there! A marriage is built on compromise not someone taking over like you are a child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 The "my way or else" mentality doesn't make for a successful marriage. And both parties must compromise, not just one. This will be a short, miserable marriage if the both of you can't learn to bend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 33 minutes ago, catfeeder said: Why is this an 'either/or' question? It's not about, "I win OR she wins," as in one is ALWAYS right or wrong. Exactly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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