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Is my wife selfish? Or am I prideful?


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think im starting to recognize situations where my wife blamed me for being inconsiderate when it's really her own insecurity.. and I don't know what to do.

When we were engaged and we were living separately, my roommate asked if his female friend could stay at my house because she was getting kicked out of her house. I met her once before and said yes. my now wife, said that crossed her boundary and I should have talked to her about it first.

Two weeks ago I made a youtube video and was proud of it. I told her I posted it and she was upset that I didn't let her see if first before posting it. 

The two months before our wedding we spent EVERY DAY together planning, cooking dinner together, and just spending time together, and then she got upset because I didn't take her on enough dates and that I wasn't "intentional" about spending time with her.

The first few nights we slept together I cuddled her all night, and we both kind of said that we want to sleep like this every night. I started to realize I was getting s*** sleep because I kept waking up whenever my side hurt or when she needed to move, so I said I can't cuddle all night anymore, Im not getting enough sleep. She was upset about that because she wanted to cuddle all night, and i gave her some false impression that i was going to do that for the rest of my life...

When we were dating/engaged, she called me every day, and we would talk for HOURS. Then one day she complained how I didn't call her enough and how she's always the one calling me first. But on my end its like just because you called me first, doesn't mean I wasn't going to call you!! you didn't give me a chance to call you!!

When we moved in together, she reorganized our entire bathroom. We have a double sink vanity with 3 drawers in the middle. I like to have my stuff in one little spot because it's like 4 things, and i usually like to just keep it up on the counter and not in a drawer. She likes to have everything organized in little bins. So when I was at work she organized everything, putting all our deoderants in one bin, my comb with her brushes, my toothbrush with the toothbrushes, etc. Then when I get home I say, I will compromise on not keeping my stuff on the counter, and would like to keep my stuff in one spot in this drawer. Then she says im the one who doesn't like change and needs things to be my way and am unwilling to compromise, and how we are married now and are sharing a bathroom so we need to make it work for both of us. Since we've gotten married, she leaves her s*** on the counter every day!! 

Im losing my mind...

I've been very codependent my whole life and I've apologized for things that I don't think i should have apologized for. Im done with holding myself responsible for her emotions

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Sorry to hear this. You seem miserable. Was this a forced/arranged marriage? How long were you dating before you married? 

Are you both working full time outside the home? Are there financial stressors? Are either of you having affairs?

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I'm on your side on this. In a healthy happy marriage there has to be compromise, but also have to be considerate of each other and with feelings. Your excuses were legitimate. She's being a bully...it's her way or she says you are being unfair to her. That's abuse/mental manipulation. This marriage isn't going to last at this rate. You both should of had premarital counseling...get into couples counseling NOW.

Edited by smackie9
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3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I'm on your side on this. In a healthy happy marriage there has to be compromise, but also have to be considerate of each other and with feelings. Your excuses were legitimate. She's being a bully...it's her way or she says you are being unfair to her. That's abuse/mental manipulation. This marriage isn't going to last at this rate. You both should of had per-marital counseling...get into couples counseling NOW.

Yeah we're in marriage couseling right now. We did pre-marital counseling; I just didn't realize how easily I was taking blame for things that aren't even wrong. 

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9 minutes ago, odangdude said:

Yeah we're in marriage couseling right now. We did pre-marital counseling; I just didn't realize how easily I was taking blame for things that aren't even wrong. 

And the counselor didn't pick up on this?? Find a new counselor. Maybe you should try some therapy but alone. I don't think you are codependent, you are just a people pleaser, a push over/doormat. You are an avoider.

Edited by smackie9
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15 minutes ago, odangdude said:

Yeah we're in marriage couseling right now. We did pre-marital counseling; I just didn't realize how easily I was taking blame for things that aren't even wrong. 

You're not alone, a lot of men do that because they truly want to keep their wife/girlfriend happy.  

Some of things I read made me LOL... A lot of it comes down to immaturity really... she can grow out of this I would think, unless there's an underlying personality disorder or something (that a therapist would have to diagnose).  

An easy fix for you would simply to stand up for yourself more, in a polite way.  No need to have a fight over it, but when she crosses or invades a personal boundary (like rearranging all your stuff in the bathroom), you an confront her (in a polite way even) and let her know you don't like that, that she's not helping you.

If she makes a big fight about it, stand firm and hold to your boundaries.  Keep your stuff the way you want it and let her know she's not letting you be an adult and being controlling.

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1 hour ago, odangdude said:

think im starting to recognize situations where my wife blamed me for being inconsiderate when it's really her own insecurity.. and I don't know what to do.

 

I'm guessing you're looking into the past and finally, "seeing," how she was immature?  

If it's too far gone in the past, it really won't help you now to rehash things with her about the little things that happened.  

With things that are bothering you now (like cuddling I'm guessing?) just stand firm and hold onto your boundaries of what you will or will not do.  

Overtime she'll either grow to respect you for that, or hate you.  You can't choose her response unfortunately, BUT you CAN stand up for yourself and make your own decisions on these things.

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26 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I'm guessing you're looking into the past and finally, "seeing," how she was immature?  

If it's too far gone in the past, it really won't help you now to rehash things with her about the little things that happened.  

With things that are bothering you now (like cuddling I'm guessing?) just stand firm and hold onto your boundaries of what you will or will not do.  

Overtime she'll either grow to respect you for that, or hate you.  You can't choose her response unfortunately, BUT you CAN stand up for yourself and make your own decisions on these things.

Yeah i don't want to rehash all of these things, but yeah that's what im going to try to do, to set boundaries now and be firm in standing up for myself. 

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2 hours ago, odangdude said:

I've apologized for things that I don't think i should have apologized for.

I couldn't help but find the above sentence compelling, following both your threads. 

Here, I assume you're expressing a frustration for apologizing about things to your wife you don't think you should have apologizing for. In your other thread, meanwhile, you are documenting a dilemma that revolves, in part, around your desire to apologize for something that your wife and every poster here, myself included, finds somewhat questionable. Shooting in the dark a bit, I would say there may be a link between whatever it is inside you that feels roiling shame for what seems a pretty innocent moment in childhood and whatever it is that has bonded you with your wife. 

Something maybe worth untangling, or not, as you see fit. 

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2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I couldn't help but find the above sentence compelling, following both your threads. 

Here, I assume you're expressing a frustration for apologizing about things to your wife you don't think you should have apologizing for. In your other thread, meanwhile, you are documenting a dilemma that revolves, in part, around your desire to apologize for something that your wife and every poster here, myself included, finds somewhat questionable. Shooting in the dark a bit, I would say there may be a link between whatever it is inside you that feels roiling shame for what seems a pretty innocent moment in childhood and whatever it is that has bonded you with your wife. 

Something maybe worth untangling, or not, as you see fit. 

No, the dilemma isn't whether or not I should apologize to this girl, in fact I do agree with everyone here that I don't need to apologize. And my wife's concern isn't whether or not I should apologize, her concern is that I'll be manipulated and she doesn't trust I won't cheat on her, so she wants to be in the phone call. 

When I let my roommates female friend (who goes to church with him, and who ive met before) stay in our house because she got kicked out of her own house, my (fiance at the time) said it crossed her boundary. And she said it's not smart to let a woman stay because it could lead to me having sex with her. So she got all upset that I let her sleep in my house. I went over to her apartment to talk about it, when I was on my way she told me she was in a zoom behavioral health call (she was working with kids, so confidentiality stuff) So when I got to her apartment, I didn't go into her room because I thought she was still in the call so I didn't want to breach her client's confidentiality, so I waited and was talking to her roommate. Then she storms out of the room because she had been waiting for me to come in to see if I cared about her or not. So she knew I was there, and was testing me. Is that not manipulation?? 

I think the link is that I've taken responsibility for her feelings that come from her insecurities and not from me doing anything wrong, and im finally starting to realize it

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4 months and you're already fighting about bathroom clutter?  Is it worth the fight?  Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  Happy wife equals happy life.  Get with the program.

It won't kill you to have your clutter contained, neat and organized.  It's easier to keep a clean house or bathroom without clutter on countertops.  Get ready.  Marriage is about compromise, mister. 

Don't argue about this petty stuff.  Pick your battles.  

 

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7 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

4 months and you're already fighting about bathroom clutter?  Is it worth the fight?  Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  Happy wife equals happy life.  Get with the program.

It won't kill you to have your clutter contained, neat and organized.  It's easier to keep a clean house or bathroom without clutter on countertops.  Get ready.  Marriage is about compromise, mister. 

Don't argue about this petty stuff.  Pick your battles.  

 

It's the principle of it that matters. Why does where I keep my stuff affect her? I was willing to compromise and keep my stuff in one little bin in one HALF of the drawer, and she still objected to it because it didn't make sense for MY comb that she doesn't even use to not be with her hair brushes. I would understand if my stuff was taking up all the room and I wasn't giving her space for her stuff, but I was literally just asking to keep my shaving cream, razor, deoderant, nail clippers, and comb in like a 4x6" plastic bin, and she accused me of not liking change and not being willing to compromise. The point is I see signs of control and it's affecting other things. I don't care about the bathroom, I just want to be respected and trusted as an individual.

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She sounds a lot like my last ex.  Just to give a quick example, I am an artist and my ex was/is a leather worker.  I listed a painting for sale online when I was dating him.  This is what I do.  I list paintings online pretty often.  But he got really mad at me and told me I was selfish and inconsiderate for listing a painting when I know his credit card bill is due that week.  This became a huge argument that didn't end until I took the listing down (and even then it wasn't really over because he threw it in my face several times after that.)  He just kept insisting that I was trying to take business away from him and that I didn't care about his financial obligations, etc.  I just couldn't even believe I was having this argument with a grown man in his 30s.  It was so asinine. 

In the situations you described it sounds like she isn't pleased by much of anything.  Like cuddling all night...  It is really hard to get a good restful sleep while cuddling.  My girlfriend and I live together but have separate bedrooms.  We only sleep together about once a week because we are both really picky about sleep and used to sleeping alone.  Your wife chose to spend the rest of her life with you.  She should have enough respect to care about your needs. 

It is pointless trying to please an unpleasable person.  You can keep trying but eventually you will likely break and not care anymore. 

Edited by Cynder
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1 minute ago, Cynder said:

She sounds a lot like my last ex.  Just to give a quick example, I am an artist and my ex was/is a leather worker.  I listed a painting for sale online when I was dating him.  This is what I do.  I list paintings online pretty often.  But he got really mad at me and told me I was selfish and inconsiderate for listing a painting when I know his credit card bill is due that week.  This became a huge argument that didn't end until I took the listing down (and even then it wasn't really over because he threw it in my face several times after that.)  He just kept insisting that I was trying to take business away from him and that I didn't care about his financial obligations, etc.  I just couldn't even believe I was having this argument with a grown man in his 30s.  It was so asinine. 

In the situations you described it sounds like she isn't pleased by much of anything.  Like cuddling all night...  It is really hard to get a good restful sleep while cuddling.  My girlfriend and I live together but have separate bedrooms.  We only sleep together about once a week because we are both really picky about sleep and used to sleeping alone.  Your wife chose to spend the rest of her life with you.  She should have enough respect to care about your needs. 

It is pointless trying to please an unpleasable person.  You can keep trying but eventually you will likely break and not care anymore. 

Yeah it is and im not going to try to please her. I love her a lot and want to be with her, so if me being my authentic self doesn't meet her needs, she can decide to walk. I just need to keep setting boundaries and holding to them. 

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My husband used to let me run the show while we were dating and engaged. Then once we were married he started taking charge more and making some decisions where previously he'd always deferred to me. Did I like it when he started making some decisions? No, not at first. But I sure respected him more. I found him more attractive when he wasn't lying down like a doormat letting me decide everything.

I agree with setting boundaries and holding firm. That's not saying you should challenge her on every little thing. But on things that are important to you? Yes, discuss a reasonable compromise or, if necessary, stand your ground.

 

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1 hour ago, odangdude said:

Yeah it is and im not going to try to please her. I love her a lot and want to be with her, so if me being my authentic self doesn't meet her needs, she can decide to walk. I just need to keep setting boundaries and holding to them. 

I think she just needs to be told how her behavior towards you really affects you. Not all at once but when an incident arises, talk about right in the moment. Be calm not combative, and make it about the both of you coming together and really talking it out...big or small.

I know so many henpecked men that would rather just say "yes dear" to make it go away. But it only creates silent resentment which obviously has brought you here.

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3 hours ago, odangdude said:

I didn't go into her room because I thought she was still in the call so I didn't want to breach her client's confidentiality, so I waited and was talking to her roommate. Then she storms out of the room because she had been waiting for me to come in to see if I cared about her or not. So she knew I was there, and was testing me. Is that not manipulation?? 

Yes... In things like that, you'll have to remain calm and confront them at that time, don't let it go and just stew over it.  Try to confront things at the proper time when they happen, so that you both can have a better chance of working on it together.

When she storms out after something like that... 

Let her know you're glad to see she was off the phone/video call.  If she acts upset and, "storms," around, try to ignore her, "tantrum," behavior.  It basically is a tantrum and totally unnecessary.  

If she outright says she was waiting for you to come, "see if she was ok/alright," keep repeating like a broken record if you need to, that you were waiting for her to come out after her video call/phone call.  

If she makes every little thing into a fight or issue, gets irrationally angry over these perceived slights, there may be something deeper wrong with her.  But she'd need to see a therapist with you both there together (so you can explain what's happening on your end).  

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7 hours ago, odangdude said:

I started to realize I was getting s*** sleep because I kept waking up whenever my side hurt or when she needed to move, so I said I can't cuddle all night anymore, Im not getting enough sleep. She was upset about that because she wanted to cuddle all night, and i gave her some false impression that i was going to do that for the rest of my life...

Boy, she likes to complain a lot ... and does not seem 'able' to accept the choice of others. ( your bathroom).

She should be willing to compromise, for sure.. but fps, let you keep your stuff together.

Why don't you just move your stuff back to where you want it?  See IF she reacts?  Then tell her to get over it!

 

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3 hours ago, odangdude said:

It's the principle of it that matters. Why does where I keep my stuff affect her? I was willing to compromise and keep my stuff in one little bin in one HALF of the drawer, and she still objected to it because it didn't make sense for MY comb that she doesn't even use to not be with her hair brushes. I would understand if my stuff was taking up all the room and I wasn't giving her space for her stuff, but I was literally just asking to keep my shaving cream, razor, deoderant, nail clippers, and comb in like a 4x6" plastic bin, and she accused me of not liking change and not being willing to compromise. The point is I see signs of control and it's affecting other things. I don't care about the bathroom, I just want to be respected and trusted as an individual.

Because that's marriage.  In my home and bathrooms, I prefer clutter to be out of sight.  My husband and sons' toiletries are in organized open bins underneath the bathroom sink or in section trays in drawers.  The only thing on top of the bathroom counter is a soap pump bottle.  When it's time to clean the bathroom, it's a lot easier to clean countertops without a lot of junk on top of it.  It also looks better when everything is neat and organized. 

Don't make a big deal out of this.  You've only been married 4 months!  Believe me, 'there is bigger fish to fry' meaning you'll have intense disagreements in the future such as perhaps finances, health, relationships (friendships / relationships with in-laws & friends) scary tumult and more serious matters.  Don't quibble and sweat the small stuff.  Life is too short.  So what if your deodorant, shaving cream, comb and nail clippers are with alike categories?  Is it worth the discord in the household?  Is it worth losing sleep over this?  Can we trade problems?  

Trust is a big word.  You will learn the word "trust" which will take years.  You are young.  Let time and life's experiences teach you what real trust is.  Love each other, remain loyal, kind, acquiesce to keep the peace and all is well.  Don't fight.  Be happy. 

I don't like everything my husband does nor does he agree with everything I do yet we maintain a peaceful marriage, family life and household.  Be selfless, yield and don't complain about petty stuff.  Be grateful.  Look at your marriage and home life through a different lens.  Take the higher road and create harmony.  Transform 4 months into 4 years and 40 years. 

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I don't think your wife is selfish.  She is merely maintaining a neat, orderly, organized home.  I do the same.  Yes, you are prideful.  Swallow your pride and grow up.  Peace is better than fighting any day.  Be smart. 

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38 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Because that's marriage.  In my home and bathrooms, I prefer clutter to be out of sight.  My husband and sons' toiletries are in organized open bins underneath the bathroom sink or in section trays in drawers.  The only thing on top of the bathroom counter is a soap pump bottle.  When it's time to clean the bathroom, it's a lot easier to clean countertops without a lot of junk on top of it.  It also looks better when everything is neat and organized. 

Don't make a big deal out of this.  You've only been married 4 months!  Believe me, 'there is bigger fish to fry' meaning you'll have intense disagreements in the future such as perhaps finances, health, relationships (friendships / relationships with in-laws & friends) scary tumult and more serious matters.  Don't quibble and sweat the small stuff.  Life is too short.  So what if your deodorant, shaving cream, comb and nail clippers are with alike categories?  Is it worth the discord in the household?  Is it worth losing sleep over this?  Can we trade problems?  

Trust is a big word.  You will learn the word "trust" which will take years.  You are young.  Let time and life's experiences teach you what real trust is.  Love each other, remain loyal, kind, acquiesce to keep the peace and all is well.  Don't fight.  Be happy. 

I don't like everything my husband does nor does he agree with everything I do yet we maintain a peaceful marriage, family life and household.  Be selfless, yield and don't complain about petty stuff.  Be grateful.  Look at your marriage and home life through a different lens.  Take the higher road and create harmony.  Transform 4 months into 4 years and 40 years. 

Yeah that's fine, and she has the same reasoning, and could probably help me be more organized. But I said I was willing to keep my stuff off the counter and in one drawer and the only way she was willing to compromise on that was to let me have my deoderant and shaving cream together, but the comb and hair gel had to stay with the hair stuff. I am not losing sleep over this bathroom thing.. the point is if she needs this much control over where i put my comb, how is she going to act when we disagree on more serious matters? 

10 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I don't think your wife is selfish.  She is merely maintaining a neat, orderly, organized home.  I do the same.  Yes, you are prideful.  Swallow your pride and grow up.  Peace is better than fighting any day.  Be smart. 

She leaves her hair brush, contact case/solution, straightener, and sometimes make up bag on the counter every day. When she gets out of the shower she drops the towel on the carpet and leaves it there. We have two separate desks and she tried to make a big fit about me keeping stuff on top of MY desk, she wanted me to get paper organizers and crap. And now, HER desk is cluttered with stuff all over the top. 

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