Is it worth saving

[Silversprings78]

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to read and give your perspective here.  My GF and I are having a rough patch right now and I'm not sure whether we should keep working or just go our separate ways.  Here is the story.  

She works in healthcare which has been a lot more hectic since the start of the pandemic.  Her typical work week was 3-12 hour days and 4 days off so with my 5 day work week we would just about always be guaranteed at least 1 or 2 days off together.  For about the last 2-3 months she has started staying later which sometimes can't be helped and picking up extra shifts so we were having less and less time together.  When we were together she has grown very distant, always on her phone or computer, not showing the same affection for me she once did.  Shortly after Christmas I notices some suspicious facebook messages between her and another woman.  No we have talked very openly and honestly about sex and sexuality in our relationship and even from the very beginning she has always been firm that she has no sexual attraction to other women.  Granted, that could always change but it would be very out of character for this person I've been with for 5 years.  I confronted her about the message and asked for an explanation, she at first tried to blow it off as nothing but eventually admitted she said some things in the messages she shouldn't have and was sorry.  This other woman is someone she met through work and given the messages I saw I asked her to keep their contact strictly at work to which she agreed.  Come to find out that she edited this person's contact info in her phone so she could stay in contact and not arouse my suspicions.  We just returned from a mini-vacation on Wednesday morning and she told me that she need to take her daughter shopping but actually I found out she went to this woman's house, at least she claims her daughter was with her but that is still in doubt.  In full disclosure, early on in our relationship I did some things that damaged us, when we got together we were both with other people, her a husband and me a long-term live-in girlfriend.  I told her I had broken things off with the former girlfriend when in fact I hadn't and I was basically living a double life.  I was caught, apologized and did what I could to repair that damage.  She has told me she has forgiven me and it felt for a long time like she had but now when I confront her on her recent mistakes she is throwing my old mistakes back up at me that I thought we had long put behind us.  We've pretty much been fighting since Christmas about this issue and haven't been able to come to a resolution, every time I try to talk about it she shuts down and just says she needs to think about it and process.  Other than this issue our typical arguments have always been relatively minor and short lived, nothing this serious.  I love this woman to the ends of the earth and I'm willing to continue to work to make our relationship better but I can't get her to open up to me and I feel like she has checked out.  She is much more communitive over texts and in fact her recent texts have acknowledged that she screwed up badly, needs to get her head back in our relationship and wants us to be together but I'm just not sure how much more I'm willing to take of being shut down and shut out.  Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated.  Thanks all.  

[SooSad33]

Well, yah.. trust is a number 1 - sounds like that's a challenge. As is communication.

But, sounds like you feel things are failing.

Unless she steps up ( I wonder if she is just overwhelmed by a lot & tired?).  And IF you keep at her- when either nothing is going on.. or these 'arguments' over a woman - her friend keep on, yes, will cause too much tension & she can very well pull away from you..

SO, In my opinion.. this either gets sorted out, or things are going down.

IF you cannot/ do not trust her.. or if she is not being truthful, I would consider ending things,

As I said.. trust & communication as a must for success...  If you can't do this together, is nothing but stress & hurt.

[Silversprings78]

Thanks for the reply SooSad, that's the thing, I don't want these arguments to keep up.  She forgave me for a huge betrayal at the start of our relationship and I'm telling her I'm willing to forgive and work through this whatever it is but I'm just not feeling that I'm getting the full story.  

[Wiseman2]

How did you come across her private FB messages? Is she bisexual? If not why would she suddenly be sending "inappropriate messages" to tis woman?

[Silversprings78]

she left her computer open when she went to a dentist appointment.  Our anniversary is coming up and her computer is very old and she has been hinting at a new computer.  I was looking at the specs of what she has vs one I was looking at getting for her when I saw her messenger screen open.  I don't believe she is bisexual or at least she wasn't.  I've had a very diverse sexual history which is something we talked about extensively when we first got together, discussing threesomes and things like that.  From the very beginning 5 years ago she was very firm that she had no interest in women in a sexual or romantic nature and she has no past experience with women.

[smackie9]

No she doesn't NEED to get her head back into the relationship...she wants to move on but is afraid to tell you...when people do things in secret they shouldn't be doing it. She hid it after being confronted which means she is saying no to you, that she will continue with this woman. She's been lying to you this whole time...just because she claimed she had no interest in other women...that was a bold face lie. And how do you KNOW that she had not had sexual encounters with women. You are only going by what she tells you.

The only thing to do is sit down with her, and tell her you are giving her the opportunity to be very honest, and to let her end things (if she wished to)

[Silversprings78]

Thanks Smackie.  I'm thinking the same thing for the most part.  I do believe she never had any other interests in women, before this I've never had any reason to mistrust or doubt her so on that one I'm pretty confident.  But clearly she is intent on continuing regardless of what my feelings are so that should tell me something.

[Jibralta]

I can't tell from your description whether she was involved with this woman romantically or not. But this is worrisome:

8 hours ago, Silversprings78 said:

Come to find out that she edited this person's contact info in her phone so she could stay in contact and not arouse my suspicions. 

How did you find out that she altered her contacts? And how did you find out that she visited the woman?

[Silversprings78]

That's my issue too.  I can't tell either, at the very least there is some emotional entanglement that she is unwilling to break free from.

[Silversprings78]

I pressed her on it because I could tell she was still holding back and she finally told me what she did. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Silversprings78 said:

That's my issue too.  I can't tell either, at the very least there is some emotional entanglement that she is unwilling to break free from.

It seems like your sexual past and proclivities are seriously skewing your view of this.

You also come across a bit paranoid, snooping and seemingly pulling evidence of same-sex cheating out of thin air.

Start by improving your communication and trust. Stop monitoring her private communication.

It seems like she is creating boundaries and possibly seeking help to extricate herself from the relationship.

[Jibralta]

12 hours ago, Silversprings78 said:

That's my issue too.  I can't tell either, at the very least there is some emotional entanglement that she is unwilling to break free from.

12 hours ago, Silversprings78 said:

I pressed her on it because I could tell she was still holding back and she finally told me what she did. 

It sounds like there is a terrible lack of trust, and a lot of suspicion, on both sides of this relationship. How can you two go on like this? 

 

[MissCanuck]

Your relationship was built on shaky, dishonest foundations to begin with - and apparently that's exactly where you two are again. 

It sounds like she's been having an affair with this woman, if the messages you found were inappropriate and she's been hiding her communication and visits with her. It doesn't really even matter if she's never been attracted to women before. She's attracted to this one, now, in the present. 

My impression is that your relationship has run its course for her. 

[catfeeder]

On 1/16/2021 at 9:50 AM, Silversprings78 said:

I was basically living a double life.  I was caught, apologized and did what I could to repair that damage.  She has told me she has forgiven me

She probably did, or tried, but whether she realizes it or not, she also likely put this in her pocket as license to do whatever she wants at some point.

Nobody here can tell you whether this is worth saving. You can try riding it out to learn whether she will ever be done with this or not. That's up to you.

[poorlittlefish]

You both entered the relationship as cheaters and liars, which rarely bodes well. As your girlfriend was capable of cheating on her husband with you, she is just as capable of cheating on you with someone else. Whoever this woman is to her, she is being deceitful to you and she knows it. 

She is not someone you can trust, so learn from your mistakes and leave her to her own devices while you get on with life without her. 

[Andrina]

Even besides the other woman, your relationship was regressing rather than progressing beyond the honeymoon stage of the relationship. That's the reality and not the fantasyland of a blissful beginning. Too much bitterness, mistrust and emotional disconnection for this to have much chance of success.