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I have a woman that I really really care about but this is the situation..


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I would like everyone's opinion (everyone willing to help anyways).. I am a guy who has known the woman I am 
attracted to for over 3 years. We met during morning commutes, details on the commuting don't really matter, 
but it was nearly an hour EVERY morning and we got relatively close. We got along wonderfully right off the bat. 
But she wasn't single, so no matter how much I liked her I considered her off limits. I am a good person and 
would NEVER place myself in between a woman and her man (Whether I like HIM or not ive been cheated on and it 
friggin hurts).
So time went by, story after story about how horrible her BF actually was. Like ignoring her on her first 
mother's day, but mentioning that he had to “think of a gift for his ex/other sons mother, etc”.. He did 
everything but beat her. He was just a worthless boyfriend. This resulted eventually in her leaving him as he 
deserved. It has been quite a while since they broke up - and recently we have been talking. I decided to break 
that piece of ice and remove it from between us and I tried to explain to her how much she means to me, and 
inquired if she could ever see me as more than a friend. This was a HUGE step for me, because I have been single 
and COMPLETELY alone for nearly 8 years. I am a decent looking guy, I have also been married, I have dated very 
beautiful women before (I mention this ONLY to get the point across that I am not inexperienced with women, at 
least I didn't think so).. Again this was a huge step because for some reason I get woobly and shaken around her, 
nervous I suppose you could say. She is very beautiful, but even more importantly she is an amazing person, so 
smart, and funny, and very fun to be around. Also as I said we have always gotten along great. SHE ANSWERED with 
saying that the thought has definitely crossed her mind about her and I together, even early on, before she left 
her EX, but she couldn't entertain the thought because she isn't a cheater(same views as me). Apparently the driver 
for our commute had seen through my wall and knew I had feelings for her. I never realized that, AND SHE never 
noticed that I liked her either lol. But the driver would crack on her about how she should leave her loser and 
be with me, when I wasn't in the vehicle I guess..

Now don't worry I am getting close to the question on hand lol.. Well being around her literally warms me and makes my day complete, I get that whole fluttering sensation and when she smiles it makes me so happy to see it. When she is in pain I want to help her anyway I can and
want to scoop her up and hold her. I wish she could see herself through my eyes, because I feel like that would 
be the only way for her to truly comprehend how much I care. She made it clear that YES she could see me as more 
than a friend. But that CURRENTLY SHE ISN'T LOOKING FOR ANYTHING as she works through a couple issues (And yes 
she really is working on this stuff, it was not just an excuse). HOWEVER ever since I brought it up we've been 
talking more and more. I think she may be on the fence about whether or not she wants to give it a shot. But she 
is working through some issues, with herself and her son's father. I don't want to "get in the middle" and end up 
having the opposite effect I am trying to achieve. I don't want to push her away, but rather have a pulling effect.

What would you all say I CAN DO to reinforce my feelings and let her know exactly how much she means to me without 
being clingy, weird, or overbearing??? I can really picture us being happy together ONCE SHE IS READY. I want to 
stay as close to her, as she is comfortable with until then, and IF THAT is what fate has in store only then would 
I press further (further then I can now)..

Any ideas? Gifts, poetry, ANY IDEA NO MATTER HOW “OUT THERE” it may be, I would do darn near anything for her. I 
just don't want to loose the chance. 
 

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Unfortunately she's not ready to date. It's great she was forthcoming about that.

However, it puts you in an awkward position to continue to be her confidant.

It's best not to fantasize about grand gestures changing her mind. Especially if you have to continue to commute together.

Step way back from this. Especially, stop listening to her BF problems like a male-girlfriend.

Edited by Wiseman2
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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately she's not ready to date. It's great she was forthcoming about that.

However, it puts you in an awkward position to continue to be her confidant.

It's best not to fantasize about grand gestures changing her mind. Especially if you have to continue to commute together.

Step way back from this. Especially, stop listening to her BF problems like a male-girlfriend.

Wiseman is right.  you are in danger of being friends zoned, if you become the steady Eddie, that brings flowers and acts all romantic with grand gestures when she flat out said she is not ready. 

The best thing you can do is pull completely back. let her see what it's like without you.  I'm not saying be rude or announce this.  Just focus on yourself.  Let her deal with her growth and problems.  

Play the long game.... 

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9 hours ago, acursedloneliness said:

What would you all say I CAN DO to reinforce my feelings and let her know exactly how much she means to me without 
being clingy, weird, or overbearing??? I can really picture us being happy together ONCE SHE IS READY. I want to 
stay as close to her, as she is comfortable with until then, and IF THAT is what fate has in store only then would 
I press further (further then I can now)..

Any ideas? Gifts, poetry, ANY IDEA NO MATTER HOW “OUT THERE” it may be, I would do darn near anything for her. I 
just don't want to loose the chance. 

- Nothing!  She is mentally UNable to be involved with you- so just stop it.

Sure, YOU have been single a good while.. She has not.

Give the girl a break-  At least just be there as a 'friend' (if possible).

If you keep at her too much, as she is trying to 'deal with her issue's', you can very well mess this up.

Stop thinking about yourself for a while... 😞 

This women is working herself thru a break up.  Leave her to it.  Give her some space & respect man.

YOU may have gotten emotionally invested & lost over her- but she is FAR from that...

If she were to lean your way, at this time.. things would most likely fall apart after a couple of months because SHE just can't do it ...

(btw- as for her ex and him having to deal with his kids mother- yah, parents tend to do that - my kids have fathers and yes, I have helped them get something for 'dad'... his is their father). .. and look at another thing with her.. you said 'is working through some issues, with herself and her son's father.

Yup- too much going on... back off.  Don't expect much.  She can't 'give'.

 

 

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I think it's all super romantic.  I think staying a good friend to her, WILL probaly open up the potential for you two to date when she's ready.  

Not sure about sending poems or whatnot... if she's not really that into you, that kind of thing will turn her off.  BUT if she does have an attraction to you (if you think there's real sexual chemistry) you can actually make her fall more in love with you by sending things like that.

I know.  LOL So helpful right?

Women are nuts!  I think what it really comes down to is if there's a real sexual chemistry, otherwise she only sees you as a male "girlfriend," as Wiseman said.

PS - My husband won me over after I had just broken up and wanted to be single, by sending me songs (basically poems if you think about it) and it made me fall SO HARD for him over the course of only a few weeks.  BUT we had serious sexual chemistry never acted upon.  If he'd just been a man I was not attracted to, the songs would have been a turn off.

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If I told a man that I wasn't ready and not interested in a relationship at this time and he in turn started pressing by sending poetry and such I'd probably end the friendship.

As a friend, and that's where you stand right now, it's imparitive that you respect what she's asking for.  Dismissing that and pursuing her is a bad idea.

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1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

If I told a man that I wasn't ready and not interested in a relationship at this time and he in turn started pressing by sending poetry and such I'd probably end the friendship.

As a friend, and that's where you stand right now, it's imparitive that you respect what she's asking for.  Dismissing that and pursuing her is a bad idea.

this is a really good point... she's not playing a game with you.  telling you she's not interested, right now, to get you to step up the chase. 

Doing anything in a romantic sense would rather show you don't understand her situation, that you are more focused on what you want than her as an actual person and not an object to be owned. 

And this isn't nutty. she is letting you know straight out in exact terms she is not capable. 

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2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

And this isn't nutty. she is letting you know straight out in exact terms she is not capable. 

It's just not that simple though. 

She also let him know that she, "could," see him as a future romantic partner.  That's confusing in a way, to be told that you'd have to wait for someone to be ready, and then wait for how long exactly?

He doesn't have to wait and could pursue other women, but she definitely sees him in a romantic way if she was forward enough to tell him that.  

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 Reading between the lines, seeing encouragement where it might not be creates confusion.

We make things complicated because we don't like of the obviousness of the situation. 

I don't believe anyone should wait on anyone. 

There are plenty of fish in the sea.  someone may be a great catch, but if the timing is off, then throw them back. Things may change in the future but by then you might not care.  You cannot miss what's meant for you. have faith. 

Edited by Lambert
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How about giving her some space and taking a different route to work some mornings? That way you get to distance yourself from this situation (you get to work on yourself) whilst maintaining the connection, but she also gets to miss you. Great that she was being honest with you about not being able to date. But she also needs to see through actions that whilst you are there for her, you aren't waiting for her and you aren't her therapist either. If she wants the full package, she will eventually need to step up (when she's ready).

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4 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

She also let him know that she, "could," see him as a future romantic partner.  That's confusing in a way, to be told that you'd have to wait for someone to be ready, and then wait for how long exactly?

He doesn't have to wait and could pursue other women, but she definitely sees him in a romantic way if she was forward enough to tell him that.  

Eh, not necessarily. 

Some women have a very hard time being honest and saying, "no, sorry, I don't see you that way." So they dance around it and try to avoid hurting the guy's feelings and use all kinds of tentative, flowery language to soften the underlying message. That was me, before I grew up a bit and learned to respectfully decline a guy's interest by being honest that it wasn't mutual for me. 

OP, I would not send her flowers or poetry. That's too much when she's kindly told you she isn't on the same page as you at this time. I would instead follow greendot's suggestion and take some healthy space for yourself here. Give her the room to sort though whatever she is going through. You will know soon enough if she actually has a deeper interest in you, or if she's too timid to be straight up that she just sees you as a friend. 

 

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3 hours ago, greendots said:

How about giving her some space and taking a different route to work some mornings? That way you get to distance yourself from this situation (you get to work on yourself) whilst maintaining the connection, but she also gets to miss you. Great that she was being honest with you about not being able to date. But she also needs to see through actions that whilst you are there for her, you aren't waiting for her and you aren't her therapist either. If she wants the full package, she will eventually need to step up (when she's ready).

I was thinking this too...to be more desirable is to be less available. Don't give her more, back off, be a little aloof but not cold. As they say distance makes the heart grow fonder. AND women in these positions of a crappy exBF do go back to them more often than not, so you definitely don't want to be a rebound/get friend zoned. Backing off means you value yourself, and that shows strength/confidence..... she has to put forth effort on her own.

Just to add...stop with the deep conversations....keep it light and simple.

Edited by smackie9
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When she said "not right now" she didn't mean "send me gifts".

Those gestures work when the woman IS interested and has not told you "I'm not ready right now". 

Do you feel this woman is worth being patient for the time being? Or do you need her to be with you RIGHT NOW?

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Never try to pressure someone who's newly broken up from a long term relationship into 'rebounding' with you. (Look up the term, and research it carefully--the outcome is not good.)

Even if you win, you'd lose, because people who have not taken the time to stabilize solo are poor decision makers. 

At some point, they recognize this.

And guess who gets the speech about what a fabulous human being you are, but I really should have take the time to 'find myself' before leapfrogging into another relationship?

You get to decide whether you want to strategize long-range, or whether you're in such a desperate hurry that you'll try to influence someone who isn't ready. 

One of those choices is a big mistake. HUGE.

Think. And read my sig.

Edited by catfeeder
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