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Guy and I started dating for 3 months, everything was perfect and we were just right for each other. Then covid hit and I was stranded in a different city for 5 months. Over those five months we texted every single day, and grew really close. He texted me things like I really like you, I miss you, and he was a genuine guy. He offered to help me move when I got back, etc.

we met a few times after I got back, after our last date I noticed a drop in texting, where we couldn’t go a day without texting, now 3 days would go by without a peep from him. I would initiate but the conversation would die down in 3-4 texts. I knew he was busy, but he was still meeting friends and volunteering. And meeting his parents who stayed 10 mins away from me. I asked if everything is okay and he said he was just busy with exams. 3 weeks went by without him initiating a meet-up. (I initiated once but he was busy)

i grew really insecure and on a drunken weekend texted him that I want to break up. (I know, really toxic behaviour on my part) he asked if I don’t wanna hang out anymore? I said I don’t know, text me if you want to hang out or meet. 

The next day I texted him apologising profusely, no response. The day after, I apologized explaining to him that I had been alone in quarantine for 3 weeks and got really anxious and didn’t mean it. No reply. Finally, in the evening I texted him again and we talked, told him I’d felt forgotten about, and that we used to talk so much now I feel like things have been distant. He said sorry that he’s kept me out of the loop but he was super busy with a lot of things and didn’t realize it. I said sorry about my behaviour, and the next day he asked if I want to go hiking that weekend. I said of course.

then silence for 2 days. Then he texts me that he still has feelings for his ex, and they have resurfaced. And broke it off. After about a week I saw thT they were back together.

 

i am so full with guilt about how I acted, and that my text was the reason he realized how good it was with his ex and went back to her, “the girl he wanted to marry”

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No, he was already back peddling.   His dialing back spiked your insecurity.

Your insecurity didn't drive him back to her.

Sorry this happened.  One can assume he hadn't been single very long.  Try avoiding men fresh out of relationships.

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43 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

No, he was already back peddling.   His dialing back spiked your insecurity.

Your insecurity didn't drive him back to her.

Sorry this happened.  One can assume he hadn't been single very long.  Try avoiding men fresh out of relationships.

Thanks for your response. I did ask him if he was still thinking about her the last time we met, he said no, and that it happened “Tuesday”, which was the day he asked me to go hiking that weekend (and the last we spoke before the breakup), which is why I also think my text played a part in his feelings for his ex. 

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10 minutes ago, Yankeenoodle said:

I did ask him if he was still thinking about her the last time we met, he said no, and that it happened “Tuesday”, which was the day he asked me to go hiking that weekend (and the last we spoke before the breakup), which is why I also think my text played a part in his feelings for his ex. 

He lied. 

He also lied about this:

1 hour ago, Yankeenoodle said:

He texted me things like I really like you, I miss you, and he was a genuine guy. He offered to help me move when I got back, etc.

He didn't want to feel like a douchebag, so he let you overstep yourself and then pinned the blame on you for being crazy.

Meanwhile, he basically gaslit you by telling you he was busy when he was able to make time for everyone else on the planet (another lie!). Of course you felt and acted crazy.

You believed a liar. You didn't know he was lying. You did nothing wrong. 

Edited by Jibralta
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5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

He lied. 

He also lied about this:

He didn't want to feel like a douchebag, so he let you overstep yourself and then pinned the blame on you for being crazy.

Meanwhile, he basically gaslit you by telling you he was busy when he was able to make time for everyone else on the planet (another lie!). Of course you felt and acted crazy.

You believed a liar. You didn't know he was lying. You did nothing wrong. 

Thank you SO much for this. 8 months of being with me and can’t believe he was lying to me the entire time. I would like to believe he was truly trying to move on from his ex, idk why I still have him on a pedestal. 

But the fact that I sent the text - it keeps making me wonder that my behaviour was deranged, he probably thought I was a liar, controlling, manipulative person. I mean I know I was wrong and I’m actively seeking therapy for my insecure attachment but I’m none of those things. 

 

Thank you for this. It helps put my mind at peace.

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Yeah, but put it in perspective. You didn't injure anybody! You didn't assault him or his girlfriend, slash their tires, smash their windows. You sent an awkward text. Big deal. 

The only thing you did wrong was wait so long to draw the line. 

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Yeah, but put it in perspective. You didn't injure anybody! You didn't assault him or his girlfriend, slash their tires, smash their windows. You sent an awkward text. Big deal. 

The only thing you did wrong was wait so long to draw the line. 

I should also mention though - I forgot to write it in my original post - He did once (over the course of those 3 weeks ask me if I wanted to join him with his parents for an afternoon. I said I wasn't ready yet. That made me feel that he was being serious. And he said he understood.

Edited by Yankeenoodle
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10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just put it behind you. It wasn't working and on some level you knew that. 

Just move forward. Best to stop communicating with him or dragging anything out.

I'm trying my best, it's just that the guilt of having sent that text makes me wonder if I really hurt him.

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As we said in your last thread - you were the very definition of a rebound.

Your one text didn't didn't change the outcome. He wasn't over her when he met you (even if he wanted to be, and thought he was) and likely realized this whenever they started talking again. 

He was going to get back with her regardless of whether you sent that text or not. He was already emotionally leaving the stadium when that occurred; he simply recognized that he needed to tell you that. 

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5 hours ago, Yankeenoodle said:

I'm trying my best, it's just that the guilt of having sent that text makes me wonder if I really hurt him.

That would be ridiculous. 

This is an actual man, right? An adult?

It's very, very, VERRRRRY unlikely that he was wounded by your text in any way.

He wasn't talking to you for three weeks before you ever sent the text.

The text just spurred him into action, is all.

He's not curled into a fetal position somewhere, sobbing over that text. Believe me. 

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Sorry you had to endure this crap 😞  Rebounds hurt!

It's awful when someone does this to someone else!  IF you  are still stuck on someone (ex) Do NOT go using someone else 'trying' to get over it.  Does not work- meanwhile you've hurt someone else!

Ugh  😞 

Give it some time...  heal from this... you will meet someone again who IS all into you.

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In these painful moments it's sometimes normal to blame yourself.  As if if you could take that moment back would it change the outcome.

Emotions are high and when things settle, you'll see that your gut was telling you something wasn't right.  Even with that you exhibited some patience and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

When things began to prove your suspicions, you called him out.  

You don't have some mysterious insecurity flaw that drove him away.  He was already leaving.  He wasn't honest and fed you just enough to keep you hooked while he was working on monkey branching and reconciling with his ex.  That makes him selfish and a liar.

Don't be hard on yourself and give yourself some much due credit that you were listening to your intuition and acted on it.

Hang in there.

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55 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Even with that you exhibited some patience and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

When things began to prove your suspicions, you called him out.  

.... give yourself some much due credit that you were listening to your intuition and acted on it.

Exactly. Don't forget or minimize the fact that you were extremely patient with him.

Edited by Jibralta
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No, your text didn't make his ex look more attractive.  She always was "attractive" to him.  He just didn't let on that he was hoping they would get back together.

Blaming yourself might feel comforting for a while, but then you have to realize it wasn't anything you did or didn't do.  He wanted her back.  No reflection on you, the same thing would have happened if he'd chosen a different woman to rebound with.

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23 hours ago, Yankeenoodle said:

I'm trying my best, it's just that the guilt of having sent that text makes me wonder if I really hurt him.

He'll get over it. Now it's your turn to get over it 😉

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Why would you feel guilty when your intuition was right?

The guy was ghosting you. Instead of just ghosting him back, you spoke your mind. He jerked you around by playing dumb, then he finally told you the real reason.

So are you saying you believe that if you'd kept your mouth shut he would somehow NOT have gone back to his ex?

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On 1/17/2021 at 6:08 PM, catfeeder said:

Why would you feel guilty when your intuition was right?

The guy was ghosting you. Instead of just ghosting him back, you spoke your mind. He jerked you around by playing dumb, then he finally told you the real reason.

So are you saying you believe that if you'd kept your mouth shut he would somehow NOT have gone back to his ex?

I feel like my ex was the trigger that sent him back to his ex. I feel like if i hadnt sent him that text, he would try to make it work with me. But that text was what brought up unresolved feelings and he thought - instead of dealing with issues between us, he would rather try to win his ex back. And he did.

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On 1/16/2021 at 6:34 PM, Yankeenoodle said:

I'm trying my best, it's just that the guilt of having sent that text makes me wonder if I really hurt him.

You didn't hurt him.  Nothing to feel guilty about.  He lost interest quite some time before and was probably already seeing his ex during that time. (Sorry).  You were a rebound.  

You can do a lot better than this guy.  Time to let go and leave it be. 

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1 hour ago, Yankeenoodle said:

I feel like if i hadnt sent him that text, he would try to make it work with me.

When you sent that text, he was in the midst of passively letting your relationship die. People who are interested in making a relationship work do not behave the way that he did.

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3 hours ago, Yankeenoodle said:

 I feel like if i hadnt sent him that text, he would try to make it work with me.

No, he was already closing the door on your relationship by then. 

I guarantee you he was already in contact with her in the weeks or days leading up to you finally asking him what was going on. Whether or not you sent that text, your relationship with him wasn't going to continue. 

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5 hours ago, Yankeenoodle said:

I feel like my ex was the trigger that sent him back to his ex

Unfortunately, none of this was ever in your control.

What two people decide about thier on/off relationship is between them.

You'll have to accept that they made thier decision to reconcile regardless of you or anything you did.

Just move forward. No regrets. You dodged a bullet.

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If you hadn't sent that text he would have strung you along until he was able to confirm his reconciliation with his previous girlfriend. Then he would have either ghosted you or sent you a "you're a great girl, but..." text. Would that have made you feel better? Or worse?

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you hadn't sent that text he would have strung you along until he was able to confirm his reconciliation with his previous girlfriend. Then he would have either ghosted you or sent you a "you're a great girl, but..." text. Would that have made you feel better? Or worse?

It would have felt the same, probably with more questions thinking what I did wrong.

I suppose I am minimizing how I felt in those 3 weeks leading up to my text, because more dramatic things have happened and I'm stuck in the rut of feeling guilty about sending that text. 

But yeah, if he was truly over his ex, that text would have made him want to work on that conflict with me. The fact that he is back with his ex clearly means he wasn't over her at all.

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