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When two people regularly confide in each other regarding personal, intimate and emotional details of their lives they are bonding on an intimate and emotional level.

This is the definition of emotional cheating.

It's not a one off moment where an innocent conversation took a turn.  This constant routine connection is inappropriate for someone in a relationship or married. 

It's inappropriate for you to continue and you know that or you wouldn't be here questioning his intentions.

Does he have the right to confide in someone? Absolutely. But it needs to be an appropriate choice.  A family member, a close make friend therapist. His wife.

But not single woman his wife isn't aware of.

You are both playing with fire

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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12 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

Not daily. Like every other day at most. Usually a few times a week. He’s a quiet person and he told me he’s doesn’t have many other people to talk to. I do like being there for him because it’s reciprocated.

Yeah, okay.. BUT do be careful.. fine to be a 'friend'..someone to confide in.. but do NOT let anything go too far.

Do not agree to anything sexual (even text), or meet up with him.

Whether you be opposite sex or same.. a friend to chat with is it. No more.

* Meaning, he'd be taking advantage of you - don't let any of this go that far!  

Take care of YOU in this - and with any 'friendship'.

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, okay.. BUT do be careful.. fine to be a 'friend'..someone to confide in.. but do NOT let anything go too far.

Do not agree to anything sexual (even text), or meet up with him.

Whether you be opposite sex or same.. a friend to chat with is it. No more.

* Meaning, he'd be taking advantage of you - don't let any of this go that far!  

Take care of YOU in this - and with any 'friendship'.

Thank you! I will take that to heart, especially considering he’s more than twice my age. 

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41 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

Thank you! I will take that to heart, especially considering he’s more than twice my age. 

The age and his mentorship have nothing to do with it.  What is happening is wrong. It is cheating. 
 

I don’t think you would like it if your partner were doing the  same. 

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8 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

The age and his mentorship have nothing to do with it.  What is happening is wrong. It is cheating. 
 

I don’t think you would like it if your partner were doing the  same. 

If my partner explained it to me and didn’t hide it from me, I might be okay with it. I’m just not sure if he’s told his wife. 

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10 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

If my partner explained it to me and didn’t hide it from me, I might be okay with it. I’m just not sure if he’s told his wife. 

I would ask him.  Does your wife know of me and that you confide in me about personal issues?

 

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37 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

If my partner explained it to me and didn’t hide it from me, I might be okay with it. I’m just not sure if he’s told his wife. 

If your partner were complaining to another woman about your relationship issues, you would be cool?  Why don;t you reach out to her and ask her in a three-way convo.

 

It does not seem like you want to hear us, as you continue to excuse.  You know that this is wrong and that is why you started this thread.  

Edited by Hollyj
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5 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

If your partner were complaining to another woman about your relationship issues, you would be cool?  Why don;t you reach out to her and ask her in a three-way convo.

 

It does not seem like you want to hear us, as you continue to excuse.

Nope I hear you. Though you haven’t read the texts or met him to know the full scope of the situation. So I’m taking advice with a grain of salt. I’m realizing that it does make me a bit uncomfortable so I still plan on distancing myself from him. 

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Then tell us what he says about his wife.  We can only go off what you offer.   I suggest you tell us what is the most inappropriate. 

Could you have the same convo if the wife were present?  

Edited by Hollyj
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5 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

Does it make any difference that he’s been a mentor to me? He gives me a lot of helpful career advice. 

In this way.  I personally think sometimes people are too trigger happy with what is emotional cheating . But in this situation - if he is a mentor to you then you tell him that you so appreciate his mentorship.  You would like to be able actually to return the favor -professionally I mean -meaning maybe in the future you can give him a good reference or give him information about a good professional opportunity. Tell him from now on you want to keep your conversations limited to mentoring and your jobs/profession/career advice.  And also tell him that you want to make sure his wife is comfortable with him mentoring you. Given his age and the context I don't think he would make an appropriate platonic friend.  I think it's fine for men and women to be platonic friends.  Not in this situation.

Edited by Batya33
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I'm not sure what you find attractive about a married man showing you that level of interest, AKA emotional cheating.   He's clearly demonstrating his disloyalty towards his wife, the woman he exchanged vows with.  What a catch!

In short, you have nothing to gain while remaining in this situation.  Time to think...

 

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1 hour ago, HeartGoesOn said:

I'm not sure what you find attractive about a married man showing you that level of interest, AKA emotional cheating.   He's clearly demonstrating his disloyalty towards his wife, the woman he exchanged vows with.  What a catch!

In short, you have nothing to gain while remaining in this situation.  Time to think...

 

I think you’re misinterpreting. I’m looking at him as a potential partner at all. I respect him as a person and he’s given me a lot of life advice (considering my father is absent). I just want to make sure he isn’t taking it the wrong way. 
 

But as others have already said (since you clearly haven’t read the thread) he probably has bad intentions so I’m distancing myself. 

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

In this way.  I personally think sometimes people are too trigger happy with what is emotional cheating . But in this situation - if he is a mentor to you then you tell him that you so appreciate his mentorship.  You would like to be able actually to return the favor -professionally I mean -meaning maybe in the future you can give him a good reference or give him information about a good professional opportunity. Tell him from now on you want to keep your conversations limited to mentoring and your jobs/profession/career advice.  And also tell him that you want to make sure his wife is comfortable with him mentoring you. Given his age and the context I don't think he would make an appropriate platonic friend.  I think it's fine for men and women to be platonic friends.  Not in this situation.

I agree with this. Thank you. Not sure why are people are bashing me for his actions... what do I know..

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3 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Then tell us what he says about his wife.  We can only go off what you offer.   I suggest you tell us what is the most inappropriate. 

Could you have the same convo if the wife were present?  

I asked him and he said his wife is aware of our conversations. I would say the same things if his wife were present. 

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8 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

Does it make any difference that he’s been a mentor to me? He gives me a lot of helpful career advice. 

I think you have to ask yourself what his motive is. Nothing is free. 

How many other older people have volunteered to mentor you?

 

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I'm married and I wouldn't appreciate if my husband confided to his colleague or ex-colleague about me and my sons.  I am the one who should be my husband's best friend and confidante; not anyone else.  I've earned my role through blood, sweat and tears.  I deserve that respect and status in my husband's life and our  marriage.  There's something sneaky about your ex colleague texting and dumping on you behind his wife's and kids' backs.  I wouldn't trust him if I were you.  He could be bad mouthing YOU behind your back.  Always consider it a red flag and alarm bells in your brain whenever you encounter a deceitful person because the next victim is YOU.  He reeks betrayal.  Beware. 

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45 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I asked him and he said his wife is aware of our conversations. I would say the same things if his wife were present. 

I think he is full of it.  No one would want that shared.  
 

can you give  examples? 

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3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm married and I wouldn't appreciate if my husband confided to his colleague or ex-colleague about me and my sons.  I am the one who should be my husband's best friend and confidante; not anyone else.  I've earned my role through blood, sweat and tears.  I deserve that respect and status in my husband's life and our  marriage.  There's something sneaky about your ex colleague texting and dumping on you behind his wife's and kids' backs.  I wouldn't trust him if I were you.  He could be bad mouthing YOU behind your back.  Always consider it a red flag and alarm bells in your brain whenever you encounter a deceitful person because the next victim is YOU.  He reeks betrayal.  Beware. 

I agree. Though I should’ve been more descriptive to start. It doesn’t really complain about her. He’ll never conversation about something going on with him wife, ever. There’s usually something going on in his life and I ask him how his family is coping and he tells how everyone is doing with it. 

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4 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I agree with this. Thank you. Not sure why are people are bashing me for his actions... what do I know..

Here is what you know:

Fact - he is married.

Fact - he is much older than you - I have friends who are older and younger but he is a married man and married men usually aren't close platonic friends with much younger women.

Fact - he is sharing very sensitive and personal information with you despite knowing you as a professional mentor - seems to be a bit of a disconnect there.

Fact - he has not mentioned you meeting his wife/coming over for dinner.

So if he is looking to cheat he is the one who would be cheating.  And you would be participating in helping him cheat on his wife.  So, you do know -a lot - of information so pretending you don't just doesn't make sense.

I think it's normal and fine for people to confide in their close friends about marital or family issues - husbands and wives should -I think -have very close relationships outside the marriage -the vows are not to have sex outside the marriage or - be in a situation where you're playing with fire like meeting someone you know is attracted to you at their home alone or at a romantic restaurant alone.  When people get married often the people who come to the wedding are asked to help support the couple in their marriage - meaning emotionally, as friends.  But this guy is just not an appropriate candidate for a platonic friendship with you -you don't know his wife, you haven't been invited to meet her, you haven't interacted with them as a couple.  

Edited by Batya33
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23 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

So I have a former coworker that I worked with for a few years. He’s a lot older than me. We became close friends and started texting. A couple months ago, I left that job and we started texting a lot more. Like everyday almost. We usually talk about my work now and advice about life in general. He talks about his family and stuff. But sometimes I feel weird about I because he’ll vent to me about his family issues. I love being the person he goes to but I feel like I know too much at times. I love talking to him but want to make sure I’m not doing anything wrong. Do you think he sees me as something more? 

He needs to remain loyal and respect to HIS WIFE and FAMILY.   

He's a lot older than you, his texting you is highly inappropriate and he lacks integrity.  He's sneaky and deceitful.  His character is not admirable and he's shady. 

If you feel weird about his texting you and it's too much for you, then listen to your intuition and gut instincts because they're always right on the mark.  If something doesn't add up about him, your weird feelings are telling you that it's time to end it with him.  You are the one who needs initiate cutting it off with him.   He IS weird!  Tell him that it's time to go your separate ways, wish him all the best and respectfully say 'good-bye.'  You do not need to explain further.  There is a classy way on your part to end correspondence with him.  If he's relentless, then ghost, block and delete him. 

Let him dump on someone else.  He needs to communicate with his wife and family.  That would be the best start. 

Edited by Cherylyn
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It seems like your intentions are fine, thinking of this as a mentor relationship.

However the fact that he talks about his marriage indicates he's trying to groom you to have an affair.

It would be best to back up from this. It's doubtful his wife knows about your chats. This is just one of many lines and lies he's telling you.

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Speaking only for myself, I'd be creeped out. I'd view him as disloyal to his wife, and that's not the kind of person I'd choose for a friend.

I'd consider him a dead end, and I'd walk away from any further convo.

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35 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'd view him as disloyal to his wife, and that's not the kind of person I'd choose for a friend.

Same. I nix that sht when it comes my way. 

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What do you think he wants from you?  Really.  A shoulder to cry on?  It's a great way to lure you in emotionally & eventually let your guard down.  I'm sorry to say, this looks like an authentic friendship to you.  You want his advice, he wants someone to feel sorry for him.

But in reality this is the covert technique MM use to start affairs.  They begin as friendships innocently enough as it appears.  

Why in heavens do you think MM look to get close to female friends!  To be just friends?  C'mon.  They should be telling their woes to their wives, like  most normal MM do.

It's a trap which you should get out of asap!  I've been in your exact situation.  

 

 

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