He (27 M) destroyed me (28F) and I don't know what to do.

[LazyChipmunk]

I want to start by saying I plan to discuss this with my doctor but would love to ease my mind in some way.

Backstory: i grew up with a narcissistic father who controlled my mother and my siblings and me. I was homeschooled and had and have no friends still at 28. I was in 2 relationships beginning college and both ended up sexually assaulting me. 6 month relationships. I got therapy once a month for 3 years. 

To now: I met an amazing guy and opened my heart to him. I have trust issues because I do not want to be hurt. We were together for 6 years and I planned on marrying him and wanted to have a family with him.

This last year however has changed things. I was in an accident leaving me with injuries that will be with me for a lifetime. This trauma caused me to have worst PTSD and then relationship issues because with the accident I was hurt by my boyfriends family member who was driving. We argued for 2 months off and on and he kept his stance that it was an accident, and this hurt me deeply. I Felt he was chosing his family over me and this made me feel like I couldnt rely on him anymore as well as that he broke my trust. Ultimately he ended up blocking those family members but I still am to this day unable to trust him because of this. This event was traumatic as I almost could have died and I still have physical issues that remind me of it daily.

The accident was on an ATV. His cousin was driving it and I assumed she would drive safe and had her license. We were going to a blackberry patch taking trails and my ex and her father were following but on the road in a car. We had to go onto the road for about a mile. During this mile we hit a very sharp corner and she took it sharp by going into the other lane. It was so sharp we didn't see ahead of us nor could my ex see what happened despite being right behind. During this, she and I were involved in a head on collison with a truck coming at us at like 20 miles per hour. His cousin shifted left to hit the ditch but we hit the corner and were ejected onto the ground. Luckily we were wearing helmets. My ex ran to my side and his cousins father to his cousins side. They were on our sides until we got to the hospital. During then my ex was with me and again her father was with her. 

I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury, a level 2 tear in my knee muscle (im a runner and can't without pain any longer) a deviated septum, a quarter sized hole in my leg from scraping, bumps and bruises, and then PTSD/CPTSD (from the year of horrible things). At the hospital my ex was in my room the whole time and when I was released he rolled me into the room with his cousin. Her mom was there and she asked me for my wheelchair for my daughter and this was hurtful. And also, her father asked if I told my parents as if he was worried, which offended me. We went home and on the way her father bought me flowers. Then we got back, and at the house my ex got me into the room and set up me to take a shower. He helped undress me, waited in the bathroom to make sure I didnt fall, then helped me get dressed. We watched funny movies because he tried to take my mind off everything. . 

He dropped me off at my parents house and the next few days I heard nothing from his family only my ex. My father was furious and immediately wanting to pursue legal action as well as break up with my ex. Telling me he would never approve of us being together because my ex let me get onto the ATV. Fast forward a month and i brought up suing my exes grandparents because their the owners of the ATV. He got pissed and defensive, telling me they did nothing and its not right to sue them, that I should sue his uncle because it was his daughter. This hurt me that he got so defensive of them and not me when I was deeply pained.

Then is when we started arguing about possibility of his uncle and cousin coming to a wedding in tbe future. He would tell me that his uncle is the closest uncle he has amongst his other ones and that I should try to forgive them for him and his happiness if that day came. But I told him on our wedding day I want to be happy and if they come then I won't be happy because the pain they caused. We argued for about a month about this and then finally he blocked his family members and told them he is sticking up for me and that it was wrong not to reach out days after and such things. Further I asked my ex to apologize to my parents and he wrote them an apology letter but was scared to face them because I told him about my dads anger. My parents read this letter and basically dismissed it.

Like I told my ex, intentional or not, I was hurt because of their ACTIONS. If you genuinely care about someone your ACTIONS would not hurt someone else. I was hurt to the point of almost death in the accident, he took the test, he then fought me on topic of his family and my trauma, and then he further showed me with his actions during the pregnancy that he rejected me and made me feel worthless when he panicked and got selfish and worried about himself that night. I felt he didnt have hope for us, for himself and for me. Further his ACTIONS of all this hurt I connected him in my brain and it got to a point in which I couldn't seperate him from the painful memories I had of these events. He asked how he could deassociate those connections and I told him I may never, but time may help.

Fast forward a few months. I became unexpectedly pregnant. When I shared this with my boyfriend he had a panic attack because we both did not have jobs and we lived separately at the time. He apologized with a letter the next day telling me how happy he was, but this is the issue that deeply hurt me. In that moment of a panic attack I felt DEEP rejection. I went home that night and cried. I felt like he didnt want to have a family with me, that he didnt want me and that something was wrong with me as if I was not enough for him. Even after reading the letter I felt devastated still despite what he said because his actions showed panic. His actions in that moment broke my heart because he should have been happy and when he was not anything he said going forward I could not believe because he broke my trust.

I decided because of this to have an abortion because I felt vulnerable from the accident, and I felt I could not rely on him from the fighting that happened after the accident. So feeling that way (vulnerable)then having him panic caused me to decide that I do not feel we are meant to be together and that having a child with someone like him is something I could not do. I felt extreme rejection when I shared the news and this literally broke my heart.

He supported me with appointments and even the day of the abortion. He told me he wanted to get married and have a family in the future still despite this. But I couldn't feel this way again after this pain. When he would share those feelings it pushed me further away because I was not able to think like that and I would distant my from him. The abortion was traumatic for me because I wanted to keep my baby, but I felt so vulnerable and rejected that I could not and even parts of me blamed my boyfriend. I lost all trust in him because of this, I felt like I will never go through this again and I am not guranteed that he would not ever panic again if we got pregnant again. I was scared of that rejection happening again and could not trust him.

So that was traumatizing.

Then we had COVID. And further I started working a job that people talked behind my back at, this was my first full time job and I felt exhausted constantly. Finally my boyfriend was becoming needy as we were only spending 1-2 days a week together. I didn't share with him what was happening but in my mind I was worried with him, I felt everytime I thought of the accident or the abortion I pictured him and this hurt me. 

After 4 or so months of this only 2 days a week seeing each other we had our first ever blowout argument. During those 4 months atleast 2-3 times a month he would cry to me asking for more time and that he was willing to step up and put himself into the stuff in my life if it meant he was able to see me more. We took a walk and he surprised me by telling me he planned a trip for my birthday that we could go somewhere nice. But then I mentioned my families trip 2 weeks before this, and I forgot to mention my sisters husbands friend went. He began crying saying he wasn't even invited yet a friend to a husband got to go and he felt even more excluded. I blew up and told him I was pissed. He was crying most of the blowout because he felt excluded from my life and in my mind he was being needy. 

I got angry and told him we need a break. I told him he pissed me off because I just spent the last 5 days working and I wanted to relax this weekend. As well, with all the crying he has been doing since our abortion and being needy I told him that he is bringing such negativity into my life and he is bringing me down. 

We took a month break and halfway into it I couldn't take it any longer. I met with him and ended things. During this conversation I opened up to him and told him how I felt. I told him that I felt suicidal because of him and our relationship. I told him that I thought of ways I could leave the relationship and had suicidal thoughts to escape the negativity that I felt with him and the pain that he brought onto me from the accident and the arguments we had as well as the abortion and his panic attack. Then I told him how my heart was shattered into many pieces because of him and that I now felt like a shell of who I once was. He simply apologized for everything, crying, and continued to ask to work on things in some way. I told him I cannot because I connect him to these horrible things and I have no trust left for him. He was very sad and finally asked to be friends following our breakup. I agreed, but a week into and he was asking how I was doing and I told him I could not be friends any longer. That it was too hard for me and that I need a clean slate. I ended this by telling him maybe in a few years of healing we could be friends, and he told me he loved me, would pray for me and that I am strong and can overcome this, and hoped one day we could be together again. 

Since then I removed him from everything and I explained to him during that final conversation that I connect him to those traumatic events. When I think of him I think of bad memories. Further I told him about the abortion and how had he not panicked and made me feel the most rejected I had ever in my life and broke my heart by his actions that I likely would not have got an abortion. He seemed devastated by this and really hurt.

Like I told my ex, intentional or not, I was hurt because of their ACTIONS. If you genuinely care about someone your ACTIONS would not hurt someone else. I was hurt to the point of almost death in the accident, he took the test, he then fought me on topic of his family and my trauma, and then he further showed me with his actions during the pregnancy that he rejected me and made me feel worthless when he panicked and got selfish and worried about himself that night. I felt he didnt have hope for us, for himself and for me. Further his ACTIONS of all this hurt I connected him in my brain and it got to a point in which I couldn't seperate him from the painful memories I had of these events. He asked how he could deassociate those connections and I told him I may never, but time may help.

He told me how much he changed after we broke up within 2 weeks before I cut him out of my life. I believed he had hopes of getting me back. He started therapy with 2 therapists every week. He got onto antidepressants for his anxiety and depression He got 2 jobs. He was going out and exercising. He was doing all these great things that he SHOULD have been doing months before, but he told me he was still stuck in depression and the break up was a huge wake up call for him. But I simply said the damage has been done and its too little too late for all these changes. He pleaded that he would work on himself to never have another panic attack, but I simply told him that I cannot trust him anymore and I cannot trust he would never hurt me by rejecting me like that again. He cried and said hes trying to do what he can to repair things and I was not giving him a chance. He had his chances and hurt me. 

He asked if there was any chance we could be together in the future crying, and I told him "No, the pain is too deep, I dont want to marry you, I dont want to have a family with you, I dont even know but maybe theres another person out there that I would have children with, but I dont want to with you anymore, I dont think we are meant to be anymore." And he just sobbed and apologized.

I asked him for no contact so I can heal and we have been No Contact for 5 months. 

Regarding what happened.

How can I forgive him for breaking my trust, breaking my heart and hurting me so deeply? 

How should I move forward?

[boltnrun]

I remember your story. You posted this a couple of times before under different user names. 

Forgiveness will help you. Of course it's going to take some time. Are you in any kind of therapy to deal with trauma?

[LazyChipmunk]

45 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I remember your story. You posted this a couple of times before under different user names. 

Forgiveness will help you. Of course it's going to take some time. Are you in any kind of therapy to deal with trauma?

Yah i have been in therapy once a month because I am really busy with my masters and my job. I do want to forgive him and move on but I just hold all this hurt against him.

[reinventmyself]

The story of this accident is very familiar.  Did you post this previously under a different user name?

[boltnrun]

53 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

The story of this accident is very familiar.  Did you post this previously under a different user name?

Definitely posted before under a couple of other user names.

[SooSad33]

IMO, you have a LOT of pent up anger & pains going on.

Yes, a lot has happened between you & him.. BUT was never ALL on him.  Accidents happen.. and HE did not cause it, but he's had the brunt of EVERYTHING on his shoulders.

As it all traces back to your past.. you're easily hurt & affected- I suggest you get back into therapy to keep on with your PTSD.  I fully know what that's like.

Seems so much ended up coming between you two.. so it has damaged your relationship... 😞 .

In some ways, yes things or ways HE acted could have hurt you.. but is not like he is all to blame... it was his cousin driving that.. not him.

He tried.. to support you.  As for 'suing'?  That's just odd... yeah, IF the driver is guilty- it's on HER.

I feel just too much was going on.. and you two were unable to keep it together.

But, get back into therapy to work through your emotional pains.

I agree, is best you two just stop ALL interaction , in order to heal, accept & move on.

 

[1a1a]

Probably your best hope for working through this and reaching a place where you feel less stressed and sad and more happy is with a mental health professional. Do you have one on your team?

[reinventmyself]

We covered whether it was an accident or not in another thread under a different user name.. .in great length

The story has evolved into other areas.

Most of us might respond to the update if you would have the courtesy to go back and use your original thread.

Creating new ones under a different username goes against forum rules

[gamon]

This same person is posting multiple threads under different user names on a completely different forum and creating a lot of confusion.

 

[boltnrun]

Just now, gamon said:

This same person is posting multiple threads under different user names on a completely different forum and creating a lot of confusion.

 

I figured they were. They also posted from the point of view of the boyfriend. It is indeed perplexing.

OP, all I can recommend is continuing with therapy. And once a month probably isn't often enough. I see my psychologist every 10 days.

[maritalbliss86]

15 hours ago, LazyChipmunk said:

My father was furious and immediately wanting to pursue legal action as well as break up with my ex. Telling me he would never approve of us being together because my ex let me get onto the ATV. Fast forward a month and i brought up suing my exes grandparents because their the owners of the ATV. He got pissed and defensive, telling me they did nothing and its not right to sue them, that I should sue his uncle because it was his daughter.

I really don't think this was going to, "help," anything.  I think your dad had a gut-reaction (that makes sense with his narcissism) to go after them even though it was ALL just an ACCIDENT.

I understand you're very very hurt, traumatized, etc. ((Hugs)) But you did choose to get on the ATV.  You cannot just blame the cousin when you made this choice on your own.  She didn't force you.  You will heal (mentally/emotionally/spiritually) faster if you take responsibility for making a bad decision.

ATV's are notorious for accidents like this!  We lived out in the country, but my parents were so strict that they would never allow me to get on an ATV with a friend or anyone (even at other people's houses... it was never allowed for me).  Because of the risk of accidents.  If I had been in an accident, they would not have pursued the people who owned it, my parents would have (rightfully) been mad at me for getting on one when I knew the risks!

I'm so sorry you didn't realize how dangerous it was.  But you can't continue to try to punish these people for a choice you made to endanger yourself.

❤️ You have to focus on your own growth, and really make the choice to forgive them, whether you feel like it yet or not.  Making that choice to forgive will give you peace overtime and heal your wounds to a large degree.

[maritalbliss86]

15 hours ago, LazyChipmunk said:

But I told him on our wedding day I want to be happy and if they come then I won't be happy because the pain they caused. We argued for about a month about this and then finally he blocked his family members and told them he is sticking up for me and that it was wrong not to reach out days after and such things. Further I asked my ex to apologize to my parents and he wrote them an apology letter but was scared to face them because I told him about my dads anger. My parents read this letter and basically dismissed it.

I think letting things go, like the fact his family didn't reach out, is probably best if you wanted to keep family cohesion. 

Not everyone does the right thing in horrible times like that.  They may not have understood how to correctly treat you.

Not inviting them to wedding is a BIG ugly statement and looks fairly petty on you/your boyfriend's part (to outside people).  

I understand your pain and the immense anger/rage you feel at them ❤️, but trying to, "punish," them by not inviting them, or forcing your boyfriend to cut them off, etc. it just won't help in the long-run to have peace and happiness. 

I want to see you have peace over this (I've read your other threads or the boyfriends in the past... this is a huge deal for you and him).

If he and you married, years down the road, he may look back on all of this and wish you hadn't been so punishing to his family, then it's harder to recreate bonds (with say the uncle or cousin or other ones who were offended if you don't invite them all to the wedding) that were already bridges burned (thinking years down the road for you).  

You may not be able to fix things, is what I'm saying, if you continue to try to punish them.  They may end up getting really pissed off at you/him, and writing you both off together, which in the end, will cause more pain to you both.

I know this sounds awful, but I've personally found in my life it's best to let insults like that (not reaching out etc.) go unnoticed for the most part.  An ugly confrontation or making things dramatic over perceived insults is unwise (in the long-run) and it risks these people getting REALLY angry at you, or even trying to blame you, which would be more pain for you both.

Let things like that go.  It really isn't worth the drama.

15 hours ago, LazyChipmunk said:

I became unexpectedly pregnant. When I shared this with my boyfriend he had a panic attack because we both did not have jobs and we lived separately at the time. He apologized with a letter the next day telling me how happy he was, but this is the issue that deeply hurt me. In that moment of a panic attack I felt DEEP rejection. I went home that night and cried. I felt like he didnt want to have a family with me, that he didnt want me and that something was wrong with me as if I was not enough for him. Even after reading the letter I felt devastated still despite what he said because his actions showed panic. His actions in that moment broke my heart because he should have been happy and when he was not anything he said going forward I could not believe because he broke my trust.

❤️ !!!!  Ok, so reading this about your boyfriend's reaction and then your reaction to his reaction... it's OK he was freaked out.  It really is.

((Hugs)) !!!  I think because you come from a family with a narcissistic father, you might not be able to see that it's totally fine that your boyfriend freaked out and had a panic attack.  Only a narcissist would be super offended by that and I'm not trying to be mean, just pointing out the facts.  

Your boyfriend is allowed to feel freaked out, and yet still love you, work through that and still want to keep the baby ❤️ .  Again, a narcissist wouldn't allow another person to feel their feelings, or would take them too personally as an affront to their own self-esteem.  You were linking his feelings of panic unfairly with his desire to still love and support you both and the baby.  You were really unfair to him in this.  When you see that, you may want to apologize because you're giving in to the narcissistic example of your father in not letting other people have their own reactions/emotions.

You can feel hurt by his reaction, but he did try to help you see he was OK with keeping it and then made serious moves to make that happen for you! 

He did the right thing, honey ❤️ ((Hugs)) you seems to have a good man!  

***

Now with the abortion and everything, yes, that sounds ***horrible** and I get it that that on top of everything else, probably really clouds your judgment. 

BUT there's nothing you can do about that now.  You can't take that back.  It's done, finished.  Your firstborn child together is gone, forever.  Grieving that may take the rest of your lives in a way.  Even if you both go separate ways, this is something you'll have to grieve periodically overtime.  It was your firstborn.  That's serious and painful (not for all people though, some women don't care).

Can you move on from that?  I think so!  ❤️ But again, you'll have to choose to forgive him, and allow yourself to feel regret if needed over your decision and choice to abort.   

It's OK to feel regret over it ❤️ and learn from it and have more children if you want. ❤️ I think working through those emotions will take a LONG long time though.  So don't expect you'll be over it fast.  

Even after having more children, you may always wonder what that firstborn would have looked like/been like etc.  That's normal. If you read about women who have abortions, often they have other children and it still sometimes bothers them, sometimes not (depends on who they are and what bothers them in general).

But continuing to blame him, again, for a choice you made (your body, your choice) won't help at all. 

He didn't force you to abort your firstborn child... sure he didn't support you enough in the way you wanted, but you made this decision and what was he really supposed to do? 

He can't legally stop you... even if he'd expressed he wanted you to wait, that could be interpreted as interfering with your medical care (illegal!!!!).  He really couldn't have done much more than simply allow you to choose.  And you chose.  And it's done and over now.  You have to move on from it as best you can.

I think you can!!  Even with everything that's past, I'm sure you can get to the point of healing emotionally from all of this and find happiness and peace in life.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

 

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread is under review.