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1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

When you're young and think you're really open to anything, it sounds like a good idea, but nope, it is so not a good idea.

It will ruin things, if not now, then definitely down the line.

There are all sorts of reasons. It's just a bad idea.

Why do you think it's not a good idea down the line - does that mean in the aftermath?

Definintely. I don't think he would leave me for another woman. But I can not be sure, no one can. Seeing him with another woman could be hurtful - although I am interested in women, too.

Edited by laralu
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1 hour ago, laralu said:

Yeah, I think he will absolutely fine with not living it. He would never expect me to do anything I don't want. That's why I was really understanding because of his wish. His motives matter most to me. I hope he tells me the truth about this only wanting if i want. And that it's not because of: "If only the other woman wants it, and my girl doesn't I don't want to, because i want 2 girls."

So I was wondering if his motivation is "special" and really caring for me, and not because of egoism. And that is really, really hard to differ.

Is that somehow understandable?

"So I was wondering if his motivation is "special" and really caring for me,"     I would never construe this as caring, this is about him and his desires.  He only said that to make it attractive to you.   

Edited by Hollyj
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6 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

"So I was wondering if his motivation is "special" and really caring for me,"     I would never construe this as caring, this only about him and his desires.  He only said that to make it attractive to you.   

This might also be true. But he has made crazy explanations for this point.

Like: "If I was with you and another girl and the girl would want a threesome. I would refuse to. If I was with you and another girl and YOU would say yes, I would go for it."

And he told me: I would not want to sleep with another girl, I would want to sleep with you with another girl. So that means WE would want her, so that's not my lust, only shared lust. So you see, I don't want to sleep with other women.

Right now my head is spinning from his explanations..

Edited by laralu
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My sense is that you are overthinking this, perhaps to avoid what all this makes you think and feel on a deeper level. 

Threesome? It's actually pretty simple. You do it if you want to do it, like any sexual experimentation. Your motivations can be personal curiosity, a desire to please a partner, or, ideally, some combination therein. It really shouldn't be all that heady. If it is super heady? Best to not proceed. 

So, why is this heady? 

Seems you're trying to figure out what this "means" in terms of how your boyfriend feels about you‚ÄĒhow deep his feelings are, how deep his monogamous commitment is. Not a good road to spend a long time on, that one, especially when it's set off by your boyfriend wanting to have sex with someone who isn't you. "I kind of worried about how serious he/she was about me until he/she explained why¬†we should have a threesome," said no one ever.¬†¬†

I say all that with nothing against threesomes‚ÄĒor, really, any sexual act between consenting adults. But all in all I don't really think that sexual preferences, be it a certain position or inviting a third party into the bedroom, are ever reflections of anything but what someone is into sexually. Once someone has shared a preference, it's on us to be honest about whether it jibes or doesn't with our own desires.¬†

 

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31 minutes ago, laralu said:

This might also be true. But he has made crazy explanations for this point.

Like: "If I was with you and another girl and the girl would want a threesome. I would refuse to. If I was with you and another girl and YOU would say yes, I would go for it."

And he told me: I would not want to sleep with another girl, I would want to sleep with you with another girl. So that means WE would want her, so that's not my lust, only shared lust. So you see, I don't want to sleep with other women.

Right now my head is spinning from his explanations..

This is a bunch of crap!  Personally, I would be offended if someone wanted to bring a third person in.  I guarantee that this will be the demise of your relationship, and he will want more threesomes.  

You should only do what you are comfortable with.

Edited by Hollyj
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20 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

My sense is that you are overthinking this, perhaps to avoid what all this makes you think and feel on a deeper level. 

Threesome? It's actually pretty simple. You do it if you want to do it, like any sexual experimentation. Your motivations can be personal curiosity, a desire to please a partner, or, ideally, some combination therein. It really shouldn't be all that heady. If it is super heady? Best to not proceed. 

So, why is this heady? 

Seems you're trying to figure out what this "means" in terms of how your boyfriend feels about you‚ÄĒhow deep his feelings are, how deep his monogamous commitment is. Not a good road to spend a long time on, that one, especially when it's set off by your boyfriend wanting to have sex with someone who isn't you. "I kind of worried about how serious he/she was about me until he/she explained why¬†we should have a threesome," said no one ever.¬†¬†

I say all that with nothing against threesomes‚ÄĒor, really, any sexual act between consenting adults. But all in all I don't really think that sexual preferences, be it a certain position or inviting a third party into the bedroom, are ever reflections of anything but what someone is into sexually. Once someone has shared a preference, it's on us to be honest about whether it jibes or doesn't with our own desires.¬†

 

That's a great explanation, and it really gets an understanding of my inner world right now. That's an inspiration to me to watch what I feel instead. It became heady because I thought once I understood his motivation, it would not bother me that he would like to sleep with another woman.

The sentence with the "seriousness" was absolutely on point.

But I also asked him if I could sleep with another woman alone, for once. Does that also mean I am not serious about him?

And I agree on you with the reflection of wishes, they just show our preferences but I think they can reflect how serious the monogamous commitment is.

 

Edited by laralu
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5 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

This is a bunch of crap!  Personally, I would be offended if someone wanted to bring a third person in.  I guarantee that this will be the demise of your relationship, and he will want more threesomes.  

This could possibly happen.. so maybe it's best for me not to proceed thinking this threesome into being "right" "out of motives" because in the end there will always be another person - between us.

He was kind of angry, when I said he is sexually interested in other woman.

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1 hour ago, laralu said:

This could possibly happen.. so maybe it's best for me not to proceed thinking this threesome into being "right" "out of motives" because in the end there will always be another person - between us.

He was kind of angry, when I said he is sexually interested in other woman.

He responded with anger because it was true.   Why else would he want to bring another person into the mix.   

Edited by Hollyj
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2 hours ago, laralu said:

Yeah, I think he will absolutely fine with not living it. He would never expect me to do anything I don't want. That's why I was really understanding because of his wish. His motives matter most to me. I hope he tells me the truth about this only wanting if i want. And that it's not because of: "If only the other woman wants it, and my girl doesn't I don't want to, because i want 2 girls."

So I was wondering if his motivation is "special" and really caring for me, and not because of egoism. And that is really, really hard to differ.

Is that somehow understandable?

I understand you're trying to feel better about telling you what he wishes you wanted.  His motivation is irrelevant because he was motivated to tell you he doesn't want to be monogamous with you -that would be his preference if you wanted it too.  I wouldn't read into it more and the reason it is "really, really hard to differ" is because you're trying to tell yourself you're ok with him telling you he wants to have sex with someone else and wants you to as well.  Rationalizing is really really hard to do.

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Not matter how you word it, he wants to sleep with another woman. He wouldn't have suggested it if that weren't the case. 

It doesn't particularly matter why, or if he only wants to proceed if you do.  It's a common fantasy, and for some couples, it's a shared fantasy. For others, the idea is unthinkable. There is no universal "right" or "wrong" - only how you feel. 

Your first reaction was not enthusiastic. That's perfectly okay. Again, having had this experience more than once in my life, I can tell you this: listen to that first instinct. You will not enjoy it all otherwise, and risk doing irreparable damage to your relationship. 

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If it's causing this much issue between the both of you, be honest it's not for you and drop the matter right there. If he wants to break up you are fine with him walking out of your life but there are no third parties. There is too much insecurity here to support a third person. 

You need to figure out whether being with another woman is something you can forget also. 

It takes two to tango and you are a part of this discussion and wondering what it's like to be with someone else. 

My advice is to keep things simple for now because neither of you are ready for this and the relationship is not solid. 

I also want to mention that someone who joins in will find the drama unappealing. If she is green and inexperienced she may be enticed by a new experience but ultimately find the stress being between two confused individuals too much in the long run. Someone who HAS experienced this before will be able to sniff your relationship problems out and won't agree to sleep with either of you if you can't see eye to eye. Either way, don't bring another person into this as it's not fair to both of you as a couple or the other person involved. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Thank you for those last posts also. Any advice is so much appreciated.

one thing I have to clarify to keep it fair: My bf never requested a threesome.

i came up to him and asked him, hey is it that you like threesomes, like Many guys? He was like yes i had the Fantasy before and i think i would like it but i would Never do it if it would damage our relationship.

i don‚Äôt Know if¬†That‚Äės a difference now.

Edited by laralu
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Threesomes are fun.  This is coming from someone who's had them.  But I've never seen a serious relationship survive after having one.  So if you aren't that serious with this guy and don't mind it ending, have at it.  If you want to keep your relationship in tact, don't.

Thankfully I've never had them with anyone I was serious about. 

Edited by Cynder
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On 1/15/2021 at 4:39 PM, laralu said:

He told me, something he'd like to experience once is a threesome. He says he'd only want to fulfill this fantasy if I was turned on by this in the situation.

But that's what you posted first w- why leave out this context? And why ask him if you weren't into having one?

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It sounds like it's just talk then. I wouldn't overthink this and leave the matter on the shelf where it belongs. It sounds like you were curious and also stereotyping him at the same time. Don't look for trouble where there isn't any or trap him into questions and answers that end up in circular arguments or discussions that don't go anywhere. 

If you want to spice up your sex life there are other things both of you can play around with. 

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Dear both I am so sorry, I thought up until now that it is absolutely no difference because the wish is inside him.

Actually he was pretty clear about wanting to live it at least once. is it such a difference when asked or when he asks?

Sorry for the confusion!

I asked because of my stupid curiousity and all my girl friends got requested a threesome at this time..

Edited by laralu
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I don't think you're stupid. Please never tell yourself that. And your curiosity is not stupid but you can let go of that thought and always choose. You can choose what comes and goes into your life and you do not have to agree to something that you have doubts about. Him having an opinion doesn't mean that you have to agree with him. You can draw your limits and be clear about that. 

It sounds more like he's curious about it but he would not hurt you in the process. This is a very ordinary response, in my opinion. It doesn't necessarily mean he has a burning desire to go out and have an orgy. Please don't hurt yourself over this. Come back together as a couple and learn to agree to disagree or agree on what works for both of you going forward. 

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Okay, well to get into specifics...what are you going to do if these situations come up?

1.) He is far more attracted to this girl than he thought he was going to be and she is to him too.

2.) He wants to make love to her badly and she wants him to. 

3.) During the threesomes, they start paying more attention to each other and not you.

4.) You notice during your threesomes that they are enjoying one another far more than they are you.

5.) He no longer is satisfied with just you, he needs/wants this other girl and sex with you in now boring without her.

6.) You were sure you'd never be jealous but realize that you are finding it much harder to see them touching each other or wanting each other and they don't want to stop just because you want them to.

7.) You don't like it like you thought you would but neither of them want to stop.

8.) They begin an affair behind your back.

The situations above, happens quite a lot in threesomes and it either breaks up relationships or ends marriages.

Be careful what you're asking for.

Edited by SherrySher
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3 hours ago, Cynder said:

Threesomes are fun.  This is coming from someone who's had them.  But I've never seen a serious relationship survive after having one.  So if you aren't that serious with this guy and don't mind it ending, have at it.  If you want to keep your relationship in tact, don't.

Thankfully I've never had them with anyone I was serious about. 

That's the only time threesomes work, when it involves 3 people who are not dating and are not wanting anything serious with one another.

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