Life’s Moving Fast! Relationship Getting Rocky 😔

[bluecastle]

40 minutes ago, Emilysworld said:

He’s stated many times that I am getting better. I just need to do things the way he needs it done and not the way I like to do it anymore...

What sort of "things" are you referring to here? I ask because I'm kind of confused as to how you're self-identifying as "controlling" while it seems that his needs are the axle around which the relationship spins, with you seeing how much yours, and your authentic nature, can bend to accommodate them.  

Along with MissCanuck, I'm also not quite seeing what, specifically, it is he'd like you to do differently, so he can feel a bit more calm and confident in your affection. If he can't be clear on that, but can be crystal clear on not feeling your love as he needs—well, that's where you get into a pretty turbulent spin zone where the target keeps moving.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Emilysworld said:

Thank you all for your help. We’re going to sit down later tonight and see what we can do. Well see if we can find a solution that works for both of us. As of right now things are fine.  Like I said we’re both fighters and we’ll try everything we can before letting go. 
 

if we can’t find something that both of us feel comfortable with, then I agree and I’m sure he will too, that it’s probably best we go our separate ways... 

 

so again thank you all for your help. And thank you to the ones who take ptsd seriously. Before him, I would’ve never thought it could be this tough. So I’m definitely learning from it as well. 

 

I wish you the best. Please do keep it simple.  Don’t get bogged down in psycho speak or business speak. Get down to simple basics.  The “I want to matter” ship has sailed.  It’s too broad and vague.  I’m not sure how you hold down a full time job and make hats all week.  Even if you weren’t in a relationship.  It sounds like a great business and you simply may have chosen to basically be married to your business right now.  And that’s ok. But given his mental health issues he needs more than perhaps you can give him right now. 

[1a1a]

When you have a chat ask him what his ideal relationship looks like, how much time do you spend together, how regular is sex, will there be kids, where will you live. Get an idea of what he’s seeking. Get an idea of what you are seeking. If what you want in a relationship looks very similar then you’re compatible, if it looks quite different, if there are mutually exclusive needs, then that is incompatibility. 
 

Good luck. It’s a hard realisation that love alone is not enough 

[SherrySher]

Or just simply write down your wants/needs/plans for the immediate future, and have him do the same.

Also write down what he feels problems are in his life and in the relationship and how he's like to solve them. You also write down the same.

Compare lists.

See if you can come to agreements or if it matches up at all in being able to work. 

If it's not going to work, it's best for you both to admit it and come to terms with the reality.

[Wiseman2]

It's very important not to make him or the relationship a project.

It's great he helps you. Do you pay him?

Does he do anything constructive or productive other than spend 3 hrs a day on youtube?

How does he support himself? Is he on disability or social services?

It may be best to spend less time together. If he's bored all day, suggest he pursue income producing work, get involved in sports, interests, friends, family, hobbies and more productive activity than being your assistant.

With respect, your opening post emphasized that your family is "well to do", and he's sort of down and out.

Make sure this isn't about going slumming for a while. Since now you're complaining that he's complaining.

[catfeeder]

On 1/15/2021 at 3:14 PM, Emilysworld said:

He feels like I’m neglecting him. He feels like he doesn’t matter in the relationship. He feels like I’m not compassionate enough about things that he is. Like other peoples feelings... 

 

This is too vague to work with. It's a generalization that means different things to different people. I'd ask BF to tell me what are the behaviors, specifically, that he would like for me to say and do that I'm not saying or doing--and, what behaviors I'm saying or doing that he wants me to stop saying or doing.

These questions force a person to move their focus outside of complaining mode into problem-solving mode, so use them whenever BF lays an abstraction on you. Don't fight about definitions, ASK him to clarify exactly what he wants at a given time.

From there, you'll have specific things you can negotiate. For instance, if he'd like for you to stay in bed with him longer on Sunday mornings, you can agree if he'll help you with x or y on Saturday nights, so you won't need to flee bed to accomplish those. If he'd like you to spend more time relaxing with him after dinner, you can trade off some lunch time or something to do that if he will help you with x.

Point is, negotiation and bribery are how successful couples navigate their wish lists instead of turning them into abstract problems that you can only feel lousy about. Schedule a half hour every week to discuss your bribe lists of things that you want from one another and do the work to negotiate solutions you both can live with. Ask the right questions to keep him SPECIFIC, because NObody can resolve generalizations.

[Jibralta]

I agree that even her clarifications are pretty vague. Maybe that's part of the problem that they are having, though: general discontent, inability to identify specific problems, and/or inability to clearly communicate their issues.

[East4]

Many men would feel emasculated when their female partners do well professionally/start a successful business. Consider this angle as well. Especially true for men with military background that promotes macho mentality-the man being the strong, protector, etc. stereotype. Of course, they will not admit it and may say that they support you in your business. But then man's actions may point to the opposite-pouting when you are busy and can't give attention, put downs, criticism.

Emily, it is interesting that you started off your initial post by pointing to the disparity in your respective backgrounds-you from a well-off family, he-not so eased background. It seems that you are aware this plays a role in the balance in a relationship, right? Else, why would you start your post with this?

Do some soul searching, why did you choose a boyfriend who is so different to your background? Do you see him like an improvement project? Do you need to feel needed, rather than loved? What are you trying to accomplish with this relationship-something long-term like marriage, or just fun and lust, or (as I said) you need an improvement project to make you feel better about yourself? 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I agree that even her clarifications are pretty vague. Maybe that's part of the problem that they are having, though: general discontent, inability to identify specific problems, and/or inability to clearly communicate their issues.

Exactly. 

I still don't get what exactly he is asking her for, and what she is not doing. 

You need to be a lot more specific, OP, or ask him to be. Does he want to eat dinner together every night? Go to bed at the same time? Spend some quality time together on weekends? Have a date night once a week? Put down your phone during dinner or while you're relaxing in bed? 

What?

[Wiseman2]

On 1/15/2021 at 4:58 PM, COCO said:

he’s pretty much free all day and helping me with my business. 
 

Mine is pretty much an all day thing. I make hats. So the time it takes to get my material, actually make products, setting up shop, marketing, delivering orders etc.

We do everything together tho so he’s always with me and pretty much tags along... 

How much are you paying him?

[tattoobunnie]

Of course he pulls this on you - all the "I should be the top priority" because you are eclipsing him.  I can tell you a mile away - it's not PSTD - it's because he likes feeling superior, hence why he's dating someone younger, thinking he can manipulate or "mold" you to his liking.

Anyone who tells me they have had an easy-breezy life, but choose to date or marry or "project" with enough baggage to fill up a trunk, have their own mega issues they deflect from by focusing on their partner's short-comings.

This guy already is showing you his true colors - sure he may help you with your business, but he does not support what you do. Instead, he makes you feel bad about what you're doing. 

And think about it - you need couple's counseling after dating for two years.  Eeek - you are young. Plenty of great fish in the sea. Or heck, your business is your baby!

[Andrina]

At 24, you're a year away of having a totally mature adult brain. That usually happens at about age 25 in the pre-frontal cortex--the decision making area of the brain. You should be thinking about a person's work ethic. I'd see a person having a job that only entails 2 or 3 hours a day as a person whose work ethic I wouldn't accept. Life is expensive. I don't mind being a breadwinner, because someone has to be, but I certainly require a partner with a good work ethic who pulls his weight for the household, financially.

It's fine to have empathy for a struggling person, but don't sacrifice your own life's happiness because you feel sorry for what someone has gone through. You shouldn't be a sacrificial lamb to make sure someone else is happy and disregard your own feelings.

If he has no life besides you, I'm surprised you don't feel totally suffocated by now. I couldn't imagine being with my partner all day long every day. I'm glad we don't work together, because I like missing him and we have interesting stories to tell each other at the end of the day. It's also unfair for him to expect for you to fulfill him in every way, where he could be getting some of his social needs filled by hanging out with guy friends and on hobbies or volunteer work. I have a feeling he expects too much from you.

Like the others have said, just saying he doesn't think you love him enough is vague and really off-putting. I would need concrete examples of what he wants from me, and if he couldn't give examples, I wouldn't want to live a life of feeling like I'm not doing my part and not knowing why--an impossible hoop I could never manage to jump through.

And are his requests of behavior change reasonable? Would they stress you out? Most people in happy relationships have a healthy balance of alone time, time with family and friends, on a career, and with a partner. What would this be like for you, and does your ideal clash with his?

You're young and are tucking away relationship experiences under your belt. Time to really consider who the ideal partner would be for you, as is, instead of molding yourself or a partner into various shapes, trying to conform to each other.

In every relationship, there will always be minor quirks to work on, but if the issues are major, that's a red flag. The right person won't have you feel like you're lacking in any way. There's a constructive way to argue, and it's avoiding blame, i.e., You always and You never. Stick to things like: I'd like it if we took turns planning a date night twice a month. I'd like it if we cooked together and eat without the t.v. on once a week. 

These are concrete things that a person can sink their teeth into and know they are achieving a goal when it happens and pleasing their partner.

Again though, I'd reconsider someone who is only interested in 2 or 3 hours of a failing business versus pulling his weight financially. Good luck and keep us updated.

[gamon]

42 minutes ago, Andrina said:

At 24, you're a year away of having a totally mature adult brain

I've run into a good number of people who never developed a totally mature adult brain they seem to be the ones that make a lot of Youtube videos.