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Should I say something or just leave?


cake420

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Hi, I'm a 22 year old girl and my boyfriend is 29 years old. Our relationship started during the beginning of 2020 when things weren't on lockdown but then because things ended up being on lockdown, we spent so much time together because of that. At first it was a casual hook up thing that I didn't take too seriously about it because he would call me "bro" and dap me up a lot? But things became more exclusive and I started to notice he was the jealous type and would accuse me of being too secretive and suspicious. I'm naturally a private person and I never did anything intentionally spiteful to him. I have a lot of guy friends (locally) now because all my girl friends moved up north to go to school. 2020 has been puzzling and quite lonely but I was really glad I had him and we started dating officially in the summer. And that's when he started becoming more opening insecure/jealous/suspicious of me. Which made no sense to me because I'm usually at his house, or my house which he knows I'm there because he FaceTimes me frequently, and I usually never leave my house unless it's to see the same 3 friends I have every other week. But this isn't the problem, I can bare with the insecurities because I know I'm insecure too at times. He has a highly demanding job which he takes very seriously and usually he goes to work 6-7 days out of the week and spends 12 hours there. During the beginning of 2020 he didn't have to go to work as much and we spent so much time together, it felt really nice but since things opened back up he went back to work and as months came he's just been dedicating himself to it. That's not the problem at all though I'm really glad he's a highly motivated individual with his *** together but he promised me that things would go back to normal when the new year came around and it didn't, in fact he's working more now. I'm very lonely and just started BC and been feeling all types of stress with outside factors, I was in my car crying hysterically and he facetimes me and first calls me suspicious for being in my car for 30 minutes and when I reacted negatively towards it, we talk about what has me down for 5 minutes and immediately.... he starts talking about how he wants to do better at work. We do the same monotonous thing every week and that's just us going to his house to watch movies eat food and go to sleep. He talks about the same things, what he buys on Amazon, his job, his coworkers that he says he constantly dislikes. I'm really tired of the same thing every week, and he holds over my head that he spend $1k+ on me for christmas when I didn't ask for anything. He always holds money over my head and promises me that in the future he'll "buy me anything I want" but I really don't care. I have a dad that bought my affection my whole life, money is replaceable but my companionship and time is not. I'm not sure whether or not to say something to him about how I feel or just break up with him because if he wants to be fully invested in retiring at 32, I should let him focus on that and not pressure him with a relationship. He always thinks I'm weird for wanting new friends and experiencing new things but I'm literally in my 20s, I'm not financially established yet, and I would love to live life to how I want to without him feeling jealous or suspicious of it. I love him a lot I really do, but sometimes I feel like we're not on the same page in life and mentally. Any feedback helps!!!

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This guy sounds awful.  He is controlling, insecure, and manipulative.   "more opening insecure/jealous/suspicious of me."    This should be a big concern for you.

He is also trying to isolate you by not wanting you to have new friends.  .   His behavior is abusive.  Get out of this!

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15 minutes ago, cake420 said:

, I was in my car crying hysterically and he facetimes me and first calls me suspicious for being in my car for 30 minutes and when I reacted negatively towards it, we talk about what has me down for 5 minutes and immediately.... he starts talking about how he wants to do better at work. We do the same monotonous thing every week and that's just us going to his house to watch movies eat food and go to sleep. He talks about the same things, what he buys on Amazon, his job, his coworkers that he says he constantly dislikes. I'm really tired of the same thing every week, and he holds over my head that he spend $1k+ on me for christmas when I didn't ask for anything. He always holds money over my head and promises me that in the future he'll "buy me anything I want" but I really don't care. I have a dad that bought my affection my whole life, money is replaceable but my companionship and time is not. I'm not sure whether or not to say something to him about how I feel or just break up with him because if he wants to be fully invested in retiring at 32,

Ohh you two are way out of sorts.. sooo incompatible, he;s got issues!  And it is all about HIM.

His ways.. his life... it's awful 😞 . And to top it off.. he is controlling- full of assumptions.

He has never truly considered YOU.  Not trying to get along.. be thoughtful, considerate.. nothing!

You are only 22.. just getting going.. He is almost 30 now.  Let him go- carry on his own life.

Walk away.. stay away from him.

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51 minutes ago, cake420 said:

he starts talking about how he wants to do better at work.

He sounds like he's trying to prove himself to you financially.  He seems like he wants more than just a FWB situation and is frustrated you don't appreciate how hard he's working/how much money he enjoys spending on you.

52 minutes ago, cake420 said:

We do the same monotonous thing every week and that's just us going to his house to watch movies eat food and go to sleep. He talks about the same things, what he buys on Amazon, his job, his coworkers that he says he constantly dislikes.

A long-term relationship is monotonous and that's normal and people generally come to really appreciate the peace of it.  People usually do the same routines each week, talk about things that are somewhat boring etc. that's everyday life when you're an adult with responsibilities.  He can't be out partying all the time, or always meeting new people if he feels pressure to succeed or "do better," at work. 

It sounds like he's settling in to seeing you (in his mind he's thinking/hoping) as a long-term girlfriend maybe?  

I think you don't sound happy with how monotonous long term relationships usually become.  He's ready for commitment it sounds like, or trying to get close to it, and you sound like you want more new exciting experiences etc.

54 minutes ago, cake420 said:

He always holds money over my head and promises me that in the future he'll "buy me anything I want" but I really don't care. I have a dad that bought my affection my whole life, money is replaceable but my companionship and time is not. I'm not sure whether or not to say something to him about how I feel or just break up with him because if he wants to be fully invested in retiring at 32, I should let him focus on that and not pressure him with a relationship. He always thinks I'm weird for wanting new friends and experiencing new things but I'm literally in my 20s, I'm not financially established yet, and I would love to live life to how I want to without him feeling jealous or suspicious of it. I love him a lot I really do, but sometimes I feel like we're not on the same page in life and mentally.

I think he wants you to appreciate how hard he's working (and he's thinking he's doing it for both of you, for future plans, etc.).  He sounds frustrated you can't, "see," how hard he's pushing, how much money he wants to lavish you with, etc.

While you sound like you care more about exciting lifestyles (that I'm guessing he's given up?) and you want true companionship which he doesn't feel he can do at this time since he's trying to build a financial future (for both of you it sounds like).  

He may be making the mistake of putting way too much of himself into work, and not enough into being a companion to you and growing your relationship that way.  If you want to stay with him, you'd have to accept these things or try to get him to see you need more emotional connection (is that what you mean?).

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I have to say, it does sound like you both just aren't compatible at the moment.  He's way too focused on building his work and finances so he can retire at 32 (that's really admirable!  Most men his age can't achieve that due to getting distracted by life/women/etc.).  

You want exciting new experiences and aren't wanting to wait 3 more years like he's saying, so you can't, "see," the benefit he's trying to provide (it sounds like).

You're not wrong at all for feeling that way, if you don't want a monotonous life with him, if he's boring you too much, and you don't want to wait 3 more years to see if he can spend more time on the companion side of a relationship, you may want to break up and go after someone else.

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My ex husband did everything he could to pressure me into marrying him when I wasn't ready to marry ANYBODY.  I was 20 years old, FGS, and I barely knew who I was!

I made the poor choice to bow to his pressure and marry him.  14 years later we were divorced and had two kids who had to go through that.  All because I was too immature to say "I'm not ready" when he pressured me.

Be a 22 year old.  Why not?  And you can let him know you're not ready for what he's trying to push you into.

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He is 29 and wants to retire in 3 years???

He spent 1K on you for xmas and keeps holding it over your head

He is controlling

He is insecure

He is jealous

I think you love the thought of a good life with him but that isn't what you are going to get.  Do you think you are going to talk him into being not jealous? not controlling? Not so focused on money that he will actually put in the work a good relationship requires?

He sounds shallow and only focused on his wants and what he wants is lots of money and gf that stays home waiting for his call.

  This will not improve no matter what you say, time to end it.

I am sorry but this is what dating is for.  You spend time together and you get to see the real person, not the best behavior person they are in the beginning.   He has turned out not to be compatible with you. 

  Lost  

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6 hours ago, cake420 said:

He always holds money over my head and promises me that in the future he'll "buy me anything I want" but I really don't care.

What examples could you give of him holding money over your head?  

Also, what examples could you give of him being jealous or suspicious of you exactly?

Overall it just sounds like you both want very different things... just not compatible. 

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One time I told him I didn't think he really made an attempt to care for me emotionally and he said "what do you mean I just bought you $200 shoes" and one time he called me annoying and I didn't have my car so I was gonna Uber back home and he said "you can't even afford to Uber back home you don't have any money you're broke"  and he ended up driving me home. 
 

ive had a male best friend for 4+ years, he's practically my brother and in the beginning of the relationship he tried to convince me that my best friend wants to sleep with me and that ever male friend wants to sleep with their female friends. Any time I reply to someone on IG or Twitter that's a guy I get immediately interrogated on who the person is, where did I meet him, how long have I known him, etc. 

 

and 😞 I've tried to break up with him before. He ended up showing up at my house at 1 in the morning by jumping my gate (I live in a gated community) and he kept texting me and I just felt really bad. I thought I could make it work and things were going okay, but the recent incident of me crying in the car and him just talking about work put a bad taste in my mouth again 

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

What examples could you give of him holding money over your head?  

Also, what examples could you give of him being jealous or suspicious of you exactly?

Overall it just sounds like you both want very different things... just not compatible. 

 

One time I told him I didn't think he really made an attempt to care for me emotionally and he said "what do you mean I just bought you $200 shoes" and one time he called me annoying and I didn't have my car so I was gonna Uber back home and he said "you can't even afford to Uber back home you don't have any money you're broke"  and he ended up driving me home. 
 

ive had a male best friend for 4+ years, he's practically my brother and in the beginning of the relationship he tried to convince me that my best friend wants to sleep with me and that ever male friend wants to sleep with their female friends. Any time I reply to someone on IG or Twitter that's a guy I get immediately interrogated on who the person is, where did I meet him, how long have I known him, etc. 

 

and 😞 I've tried to break up with him before. He ended up showing up at my house at 1 in the morning by jumping my gate (I live in a gated community) and he kept texting me and I just felt really bad. I thought I could make it work and things were going okay, but the recent incident of me crying in the car and him just talking about work put a bad taste in my mouth again 

 

 
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11 hours ago, cake420 said:

One time I told him I didn't think he really made an attempt to care for me emotionally and he said "what do you mean I just bought you $200 shoes" and one time he called me annoying and I didn't have my car so I was gonna Uber back home and he said "you can't even afford to Uber back home you don't have any money you're broke"  and he ended up driving me home. 

I know you said that your dad was like that, buying you things, but not affectionate or having a relationship with you... it sounds like this guy is a little like your dad, right?

I think if it's true you really were, "broke," at that time and didn't have a car also, you're relying on him too much, almost like a parent.  It just doesn't sound like he enjoys it either... a parent may think their teenage child is, "annoying," when they act irresponsibly and are broke as an adult or don't have a car or money for an uber, and force them to have to transport them.  But he shouldn't be in that place of being your, "dad."  Unless he's like a "Sugar Daddy," relationship and you're using him for the money/gifts/transportation?  I know some women do that, but it's a very lopsided relationship, and the men don't tend to respect the women putting themselves in that strange position.

I wish you could, "see," you're choosing to put yourself in this weird position of being broke, carless, and having to rely on someone who doesn't respect you overall and thinks you're making bad choices.

If you're broke, and he makes tons of money and is planning a retirement in only 3 years, he may realistically be very disgusted with how you handle money and then that disgust comes across in the way he treats you.

You shouldn't stay with him, it is teetering on abusive and controlling and he has zero respect for you.  He needs someone more his equal that he respects financially that he wouldn't dare treat like that because he knows they'd walk out.  BUT he may have picked you because he didn't want someone his equal, and wanted someone somewhat dependent on him, but then he can't respect you.  Just very bad overall.

You can find something much better and work on your finances/life and get yourself set first.

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Never be with someone who treats you as if you've committed a crime when you haven't. And someone trespassing onto your property after a breakup is really unhinged. 

He'd be someone I wouldn't break up with in person. And I'd tell him that this time you won't be getting back together, under any circumstances. I'd warn your friends/family of the breakup so that they know if he starts badgering them for any reason. I'd probably stay elsewhere right after the breakup so he won't find you if he attempts to. If you do stay home, don't answer the door and call the police. Block his number from your phone.

Please be very, very careful, because sometimes with controlling people, if they can't have you, nobody will. Be aware of your surrounding after the breakup.

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Have you confided in any friends or family?

I have been with insecure, controlling men.  My ex husband held money over my head. These type of traits are abusive.  Not only do they not get better, they escalate. 

These relationships break you down and ultimately I needed therapy to find my way back.

Please tell people close to you what's going on.   This is wrong on so many levels.

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Wow

   For your own self esteem you need to get away from this man.   You broke up with him once before so the second time should be easier right?

  If you have any stuff at his house secretly take it home so there will be zero reason to ever speak to him after you break up with him.  Plan it out a little and get support from family so you will not feel alone and isolated.   Then do what you know you need to do.

  You are very young and have all kinds of options but first take some time to heal from all this, get your feet back under you and make a mental list of traits you simply will not tolerate in someone you are dating.  He has had all kinds of chances to change/improve but doesn't want to.

  Do you think you can break up with him?

  Lost

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I think she also needs to focus on her life and getting things in proper order.

When you're an adult who is broke and then also carless, it can put one in the position of being prey for certain kinds of men.

Being an adult, you have to take responsibility for your own choices in life.  Choices that lead to being broke.  Choices that lead to not being able to afford transportation (even if it's a city bus pass).  Choices that lead to getting with someone not your equal yet and who treats you badly.

When you see life as full of choices you make it gives you more power in feeling in control of your life.

Like if you're broke, figure out what is going wrong and why you're so broke.  If you can stay with your parents and figure all of this out for awhile, your parents may give you that opportunity to figure out how to get on your feet financially and get a car, etc.

Once you're truly an independent adult, you'll respect yourself more, and you won't ALLOW another person to disrespect you. 

It's a win win.

 

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Wow....a complete psycho condescended and claimed the OP is broke and we have posters jumping onto that bandwagon........ Yet at no point did the OP indicate that she is "broke".

If you take the time to read, she has a car, she wanted to call Uber because she wanted to leave an untenable situation and she didn't drive her car where they were. Good call on her part to refuse to accept verbal abuse and name calling and have the guts to leave. Sounds to me like she was able to. It's only that the control freak abuser jumper on her and took advantage of her youth to put her down and took control yet again by claiming she is too incapable without him. This is classic abuser brainwashing move - you cannot manage anything without me.

OP, if you are still reading, this is not what romance or caring looks like. A guy who will break into your community by climbing gates isn't being romantic or caring. He is a dangerous psycho and I do mean dangerous. Please dump him and don't do it in person. Texting will suffice. If he dares to pull a stunt like that again, do not talk to him, do not open your door, just call the cops right away and let them deal with him. He IS dangerous. You shouldn't feel sorry for him or flattered, you should be scared to death and taking every precaution necessary to protect yourself from him going forward.

Never ever confuse jealousy, control, abuse, put downs, etc for caring or love. This is not what love looks like.

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17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, HE called her "broke" as a put down, an insult and an attempt to maintain complete control over her.

Was thinking the same thing. 

Going just from what we've been given, it seems pretty clear that the person who does not have their proverbial sh*t together is this man. He makes enough money to spent a grand during Christmas? Big whoop. Him and plenty of others.

Where he's different is that he has next to no genuine self-confidence, and so he he cuts down those closest to him (i.e. you OP) for a little boost. Yawn. Insecurity is kind of like coronavirus: very contagious, in ways no one really understands, and so it's very important to stay away from it when you're exposed to this level. Bad for your health, as I think your inner spirit—your confident self—is trying to tell you.

 

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36 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Yet at no point did the OP indicate that she is "broke"

I'd like to see what she says.  She implies she had zero money to afford transportation.  She shouldn't be in a relationship with this man, he disrespects her.

And if she's allowing that, she's not respecting herself.

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11 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Where he's different is that he has next to no genuine self-confidence

I that could be true.  He's picked her out because he likes this unequal dynamic they have going on.  Insecure men who tend toward being abusive seek women like this out for a reason, because an equal partner who respects herself, has her life together etc. doesn't put up with it.

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